Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - November

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November 1

Faith and Reason

DeSaint-Exupery said, It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. Thousands have given their lives for what they believe. A person who accepts martyrdom rather than deny the God in whom he believes has no trouble denying that two plus two equals four if this will save his life. While proven facts are important, they rarely inspire people the way belief does. Faith is an internal knowledge, a kind of intuition, wisdom of the heart that is in some way superior to the wisdom of the brain. More people have been inspired to sobriety by faith than by scientific fact.

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November 2

Don't Fight Success

Sobriety is not a philosophical concept. An attorney related how his first experiences with AA resulted in repeated relapses. He asked a seasoned veteran what he was doing wrong, and was told that his error was trying to understand the program. Just listen and do as you're told. I elected to experiment by listening and following instructions for just a short period of time, and here I am, 25 years sober. It has been wisely said, Let no one be deluded that a knowledge of the path can substitute for putting one foot in front of the other. Sobriety is achieved by doing, not by thinking.

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November 3

Learn From Your Mistakes

God created humans, but humans continue to create themselves. The writer Oscar Wilde said, It is not what one does that is wrong, but what one becomes as a consequence of it. The changes that our actions make in ourselves are not cast in stone and can be undone. This is why amends work and why they are necessary. Unless we make amends, we allow the effects a wrong act had on our personality to remain. Making amends is a cleansing process. Whatever we were created is the raw material of which we are made. With our actions we fashion ourselves into the ultimate object.

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November 4

We Are Alike But Not the Same

One pitfall in recovery is the idea I'm different. If we think principles in recovery apply only to others, this is guaranteed to result in relapse. As far as our addiction is concerned, we are all alike, and the rules of recovery apply equally to everyone. But, as far as our mission in life is concerned, we are unique. I turn my life over to the will of God, because whatever He wishes me to do is my personal assignment. In that way I am extraordinary, and no one else can do that which I am supposed to do. Being unique is a responsibility to be zealously guarded.

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November 5

Get Sober: You Deserve It

Recovery must be for ourselves. Self-esteem is pivotal in recovery. Not only will people with self-confidence have no need to escape from reality, but they will also endure any discomforts of abstinence for their own sake -- just as many people are ready to do for the sake of others. One of the reasons sobriety for others' sake does not work is that others parents, children, friends -- are not always around. In absence of the stimulus for abstinence, relapse may occur. The self, however, is always there, and recovery for oneself can be permanent.

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November 6

Keep it Simple

People who have difficulty with the Twelve Step program are unusual indeed. What could be more obvious than: Don't drink and don't die. What could be simpler? We can only analyze something complex, because something absolutely simple doesn't have any components. A compound can be broken down into its elements, but an element cannot be analyzed. Imagine, then, the frustration we experience in trying to analyze the recovery program, one of whose axioms is 'Keep it simple!' The beauty of the Twelve Step program is its utter simplicity. Only an unusual mind would try to analyze it.

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November 7

Miracles Can Happen

Higher Power awareness can occur in different ways. A recovering biologist said, I was looking through a microscope at a fertilized ovum, and it struck me that within this single tiny cell lies the capacity of thought and feeling and creativity: to compose a great symphony, to write a masterpiece of literature, or to discover a life-saving procedure. Strange, this never occurred to me all the years that I drank. Miracles occur all around us. Sobriety cleanses the mind and allows it to perceive the truth. Once we recognize the miracle of sobriety, it is much easier to see miracles everywhere.

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November 8

Putting God in Charge

For people with inflated egos -- who consider asking for help to be an admission of weakness -- reality consists either of the impossible or that which they can do themselves. As a result, they either give up on things that could be accomplished with help or foolishly tackle things alone that are beyond their capacity. Enlisting the help of a Higher Power puts reality back into proper perspective. This is an essential ingredient of recovery. Of course, when we accept this and relinquish the fantasy that we are our own highest power, the concept of God as I understand Him becomes feasible.

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November 9

From Mirage to Reality

Addiction is a mirage; sobriety is real. The person who sets out toward sobriety may not see the goal, but the goal is real nevertheless. A veteran recovering addict described first steps in recovery as someone waiting to cross a river and told to start rowing. But there is no boat, he protests. Never mind! he is told. Just begin rowing. The boat will appear. When scores of people assure us that as we begin to row the boat will appear and we can safely cross the river-and when such assurance is based on abundant personal experience, we gather the courage to begin rowing. The sobriety boat indeed appears.

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November 10

Keep Your Mind Open

The mind is the essence of a person. Whereas we must remember our mistakes in order to rectify them, once we have taken adequate corrective action, the incident should be put out of mind. Ruminating on it constitutes reliving the experience. The mind cannot operate at optimum efficiency if it is encumbered by baggage of the past. Unpleasant events that linger have a negative influence on the function of the mind. A refusal to let go of the past impedes working with the present and toward the future. If past actions have injured someone, we must indeed make amends, but then we must let go.

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November 11

Living a Lie

Lying is as impractical as it is immoral. Falsehoods have no existence in reality, and must be retained in memory. A faulty memory will soon expose the false nature of a statement. Retention of falsehoods will diminish the brain's capacity to store useful information. Excuses, cover-ups, and frank distortion of fact characterize addiction. Many recovering people have expressed a sense of relief that they no longer need to tax their memories. Some have said that the euphoria of early sobriety comes from casting off the burden of living a falsehood. To live a lie is not only unethical, but also stupid.

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November 12

Grasp One Small Thing at a Time

One day at a time is not an AA brainchild. The Talmud said, If you grasp a small amount, you will have it. If you grasp too much, you will have nothing. Our eyes are often bigger than our stomach, and we take much more than we can possibly digest. The only proper approach to reality is to take bite-size portions. Then we do not take more than we can handle, nor are we frightened away from attempting to achieve. Sobriety is just one of many challenges to be taken in bite-size pieces. The proper amount for the average individual, regardless of the challenge, is one day at a time.

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November 13

Think Before You Make Your Move

How often do we wish more situations were changeable! A rabbi who had difficulty impressing a person with the gravity of his behavior invited him to a game of chess. Several times the rabbi asked to retract a move. Finally, the latter's patience was exhausted and he said. Once you have taken your hand off the piece, the move is final and irrevocable. The rabbi said. If a move in a mere game is irrevocable, how much more so are moves in life? If what we are about to do may become unchangeable, how much thought have we given it before doing it?

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November 14

Do We Know Our Destination?

We cannot know where we are unless we know where we should be. God asked man, "Where are you?" -- Genesis 3:9. The question has meaning only if we have a goal in life. Then it means "Are you a bit closer to the goal than yesterday, or farther away?" Or "Are you on the path altogether?" The problem is not that we may have chosen the wrong goal, but that too often we have given no thought to any goal. We only consider the how of life, and not the why. In addiction we had the wrong answer to How? In all likelihood, the question Why? had never even arisen.

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November 15

Solitude or Fellowship?

In addiction and recovery, we discuss the Steps and pertinent issues in recovery, we find a sponsor, exchange numbers, and broaden contacts with sober people. But above these, recovery meetings have a value by virtue of their being a gathering. Religious leaders have always known there is strength in group activity. When people pray together they reinforce one another's belief. A guest speaker said, There is nothing I could do without you, and there is nothing I cannot do when I have you. The you is the fellowship everywhere -- an incomparable source of strength. We share this strength at meetings.*

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November 16

Flattery Can Be Dangerous

Insincere flattery is unbecoming, but when we praise someone who behaves improperly, it is dangerous because it reinforces that behavior. When others see a wrongdoer receiving praise, they wonder why they should deprive themselves of things that can be obtained illicitly when dishonest behavior is rewarded? Even if a person knows we are fawning, he eventually believes his own lies. We are then doubly disappointed: to have compromised our integrity and to have received nothing in return. Rigorous honesty is an essential component of recovery, and is most beneficial in the long run.

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November 17

When in Doubt, Listen

Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. The Talmud says, All my years I grew up among the wise, and I found nothing more beneficial than silence. - Ethics of the Fathers 1:17. Absolute silence is not virtuous, because refraining from saying the proper thing can be wrong. But virtuous speech is much closer to the extreme of silence than to babbling. We regret things we have said much more than the things we did not say. Furthermore, when we are talking we cannot listen. We hardly learn anything by talking, but we can learn much by listening. Silence may indeed be most beneficial.

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November 18

Marriage Can Flourish in Recovery

While addiction can inflict much suffering on a family many marriages not only survive but even thrive in recovery. The principle for a harmonious recovering marriage is no different from that for a nonaddiction relationship: respect for the partner's individuality. Some of the most idyllic relationships are between two unlike people. During addiction the addict does not tolerate dissenting opinion, while the spouse can see only wrong in the addict's ideas. As we develop humility, we can respect the other's opinions. Tolerance of difference, as appreciated in recovery, permits intimacy and love to grow.

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November 19

Consider the Future

The key to recovery is consideration of the future. We leave our belongings to future generations, but we gather them primarily for ourselves. A recovering person in his sixties began buying savings bonds for his new grandchild as his wedding gift to her, a wedding he knew he was unlikely to attend. He had turned the corner to sobriety. In active addiction there is no consideration for the future. Our future is grossly sacrificed in favor of momentary gratification. Rather than mere abstinence, one of the signs of sobriety is beginning to do things for the future-for our children or community.

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November 20

Turning Destructive Energy into a Positive Force

In recovery we transform negatives into positives. The energy, cunning, and determination that were perfected in addiction can be powerful forces for good when properly channeled. When I commented to a recovering individual on how he going to an extraordinary degree to assist others in early recovery, he replied, I'll only go as far to help somebody as I would have gone for a drink or a fix, and that's a helluva long way. Nothing stands in the way of an addict who wants a chemical. When this determination is applied to positive goals, no obstacle is too great.

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November 21

There is No Logic to Addiction

A woman who was in coma following drug use, spent a month in intensive care, and narrowly escaped death requested admission to a treatment center. This may sound crazy, but although I know I was on the verge of death, I think I can still use again. This is a person who wishes to live, who has no doubt that drugs are lethal, and yet she has an irrational drive to use again. Temptation can blind a person to inevitable consequences. The young woman is fortunate because she can enlist the help of countless people in recovery. Recovering people say, Don't try applying logic. Use what works.

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November 22

The Bigger the Boast, the Smaller the Self-Esteem

If we know we are great, we do not have to prove it. We see people who are name-droppers, or who otherwise try to impress people with their importance. We think, What an inflated ego that person has. Actually, that person feels terribly depleted and acts in desperation to convince others of his or her importance. Instead of being annoyed with the pomp and arrogance of the person who behaves egotistically, can we not find enough compassion to feel for someone who feels so unworthy that he or she takes such desperate measures?

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November 23

God Understands Our Pain

While we must learn to accept unpleasant things with serenity, this does not preclude feeling angry when we feel treated unfairly by God. During severe suffering, it is unrealistic to be serene. When pain is intense, we have only one desire: to be relieved of the pain. Since God is all powerful and can relieve the pain, we are angry with Him for not doing so. The anger we have at the time of the pain need not be considered sinful, because we can relate to God as He understands us. When the pain is a matter of history, faith should become operative, and serenity will prevail.

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November 24

Giving Thanks

A recovering woman wrote: This Thanksgiving is special. I am sober and clean, and I am thankful. I can't help but remember past holidays and how I hated them. I felt I had nothing to be thankful for, and unfortunately, I know this attitude caused my family and friends to dread what should have been a pleasant holiday. I am grateful for God's hand leading me to help, and to all those who shared their experiences, strength, hope, and courage, which enabled me to start in a new life. When someone who is experiencing sincere gratitude shares it with us, we are drawn into sharing the freshness of the feeling.

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November 25

Humility Is Essential

As a rule, people in recovery express gratitude for their sobriety, for having been given a second chance, for the recovery of loved ones and salvation of families, and support of fellowship. Active addiction is often characterized as an ego gone wild. So recovery requires not only abstinence but also elimination of character defects. This is why there are frequent expressions of thankfulness at Twelve Step meetings. People whose egos stand in the way of expressing gratitude are not too likely to be at these meetings, because their inflated ego has not let them admit their powerlessness.

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November 26

Giving Thanks for Sobriety

If anyone would have told me I would be grateful for the intervention done on me, I would have said they were mad. Yes, I took a few drinks at night, an occasional pill. I was not bothering anyone. What right did anyone have to interfere with my life? I did not realize I could not fully enjoy my grandchildren whom I loved. But my daughters never asked me to baby sit. Today alcohol and pills are no longer my companions. I baby sit, and when my daughters leave for vacation, they entrust their children to me. I love them, and I love the feeling that I can be trusted. I am grateful for sobriety.

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November 27

Only We Can Develop Will Power

A bright medical resident said, I knew drugs could ruin my career and destroy me and my family's future. When I got the urge to use I would take out the picture of my wife and baby and say, 'You won't do this to them.' Sometimes I would cry over the picture for fifteen minutes, then shoot up. If that is not a disease of the will, what is? It is wise to take the will of a Higher Power, whether it be a deity or a group of recovering people whose collective will is functional. Accepting a kidney transplant is not ego deflating; neither should be a will transplant.

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November 28

An Unhealthy Escape

Escaping from ourselves is destructive. An executive who rejected help with his drinking problem said, I never drink at the office, so I will take work home and keep myself busy. Although he was not planning to substitute another chemical for alcohol, his escape into work was nevertheless unhealthy. It would ultimately either fail or result in a stress-related disease. We cannot escape from ourselves over the long haul, nor should we need to do so. When this man's workaholism failed, he returned to alcohol and eventually entered recovery. Since doing so, he has begun to enjoy himself and his family.

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November 29

Some Tolerance Can Be Deadly

A body becomes tolerant of increasing doses, and allows us to function until effects of the chemical result in dysfunction. Codependence often mimics addiction. The family puts up with addictive behavior and develops a tolerance, so it remains functional until a rock-bottom event brings the family to its senses. Recovery for the family is similar to that for the addict, beginning with accepting powerlessness over the life of the addict. Finally, just as the addict must find a goal in life other than use of the chemical, the family must find a goal other than accommodating the addict.

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November 30

Recognizing Distortion

Many obstacles exist in our mind rather than in reality, but when we deal with them as though they were real, we stumble. We may defensively approach someone who is not an aggressor, or overreact to trivia as though they were catastrophes. An innocent remark can be perceived as an insult, and our angry reply can convert a friend into an enemy. A simple inquiry, What did you mean by that? can clarify a comment. Or we can ask objective observers for their interpretation. We need all our energy to deal with real difficulties in life. We can ill afford to squander strength on nonexistent obstacles.