Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2014

[bluidkiti]

January 6

Quote of the Week

"The only thing an alcoholic does in moderation is work the steps."

Whenever I hear this quote in a meeting, it brings the house down with a chorus of identifying laughter. We certainly know how to go to any lengths when it comes to relationships, a new hobby or project, going to the gym, avoiding the gym, even work or our careers sometimes, but when it comes to something that may restore us to sanity - we wouldn't want to rush into anything...

And boy can this get us into trouble. Just this week I worked myself into a frenzy with my business, and then I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to complete all the parts of the second volume of these quotes until I reached a breaking point, making myself and all those around me crazy. Completely spun out, I went to my Friday night meeting, and a friend suggested I might be into self-will. And that's when I surrendered.

I'm so grateful to have other people in my life who understand the obsessiveness of this disease and can remind me to let go and let God. While I may not obsessively pursue recovery (and I'm not sure that would be such a good idea anyway), whenever I do work my program, it works on me by restoring balance, perspective and sanity to my life.

Working my steps may be the only thing I do in moderation, but thank God I do it consistently enough to keep me sober and to keep me coming back.

[bluidkiti]

January 13

Quote of the Week

"I don't react to the present the way I reacted to the past."

Last week I had a God shot that revealed the miracle of recovery in my life. An emotionally charged situation came up that used to trigger a wounded, withdrawn and resentful reaction, but as it unfolded I noticed something wonderful happening inside me - I was aware that I could choose a different, healthy way of responding. What a change that was!

Before recovery, I was a literal slave to the old, hurtful wounds of my past. I was like Pavlov's dogs - as soon as a stimulus was presented, I reacted automatically, and my reactions almost always made the situation worse. Not only was I not aware that I had a choice, I also had no idea there might be a better, more appropriate way of responding. And that's what the miracle of recovery has given me.

Through years of working the program, running my thinking and ideas by my sponsor before I took action, and praying for an intuitive idea or the right action and then waiting for inspiration, I have developed the space to consider my options and then choose the most appropriate way of responding. This new way of reacting has freed me, and allowed me to live a happier, healthier and more fulfilled life.

Today, I don't react to the present the way I reacted to the past.

[bluidkiti]

January 20

Quote of the Week

"My definition of balance is being able to obsess equally in all areas of my life!"

As an alcoholic I completely understand all or nothing thinking. When I was in my disease, I used to obsessively plan out my drinking and using, always making sure I had the right amount of drugs on me, and I would even drink before meeting friends at the bar just so I could pretend to drink like them. In the end, my obsession consumed me and drove me into the rooms.

Once I started working the steps, I began obsessing on other things. For a while I was consumed with dying, sure I had done irreparable damage to myself during my years of using. Next I became obsessed with the fear of financial insecurity, this time convinced I had ruined my professional future. And then I got into a relationship and that obsession nearly drove me to drink. During my sixth step I realized that I had to surrender my obsessive thinking if I wanted to stay sober.

For me surrendering my obsessive thinking came down to a question of faith - did I or didn't I trust that my Higher Power would take care of me? As I began to obsess on that, my sponsor told me that faith wasn't a thought but rather an action. He suggested I begin letting go and letting God, and each time I did my life got a little better.

Today I know that obsessing isn't the answer, turning it over is.

[bluidkiti]

January 27

Quote of the Week

"My mind is like a bad neighborhood - I don't go in it alone."

One of the dangers of being alone for me is that I start thinking. Now for a normal person that may be OK, but for an alcoholic like me that almost always means trouble. Colored by the disease of alcoholism, my mind seeks problems and reasons why nothing will work out. Even my so-called "good ideas" soon get me into trouble.

If I dwell in the bad neighborhood of my mind I can also get pretty depressed. I once heard that alcoholism wants me dead but will settle for drunk. If I get lost down its streets, soon I'm cut off from you and the light of my Higher Power and I start believing its dark thoughts. Depressed and alone, my disease has seemingly won - until I reach out.

Today I've learned to share my thoughts with others and to let them into my thought process. I'm no longer comfortable going into the neighborhood of my mind alone and find over and over that things always work out best when I take company. Today when I'm feeling anxious or depressed, I ask myself if I'm in the dark neighborhood of my mind alone. And if so, I call you.

[willbe275]

Wow! this was posted on my birthday, and I can so ID with it..
I'm going to start reading more of these threads, I was so stuck on
reading only the daily recover page, but now I'm going to really
check out everything this site has to offer.
I have not made a donation in a while but will
be making one soon.

Wayne (aka willbe275):170:

[MajestyJo]

Whenever I bought a daily meditation book, I read the reading for my birthday and my dry date. It was like looking in a mirror.

Belated http://www.animated-gifs.eu/birthdays-uk/0012.gif

[bluidkiti]

February 3

Quote of the Week

"If you're looking for an easier, softer way, there are no directions."

Before recovery there was only one way to do things - my way. I was convinced I had the answers, knew the way, and thought that life would be easy, and that I would be happy, if I just got my way. After years of bullying my way through my affairs and manipulating others to get what I wanted, I was finally brought to my knees and admitted defeat.

When I began working my program, I was told it was the easier, softer way, but it sure didn't feel like it at first. There were steps, and commitments, and honest inventories, and lots of feelings, and new ways of acting and interacting with others. In the beginning I rebelled mightily against this new way of life and often longed to - and sometimes did - revert back to old ways of thinking and acting. And each time I did, my life became unmanageable once again.

As I persevered and worked my steps, something miraculous happened - I changed. And as I changed, this new way of life actually began working for me, and after a while the steps and the principles of the program became the life manual I had always wanted and had been unsuccessfully trying to write for myself.

One day I realized that I had found the easier, softer way, and now I had the directions I had always longed for.

[bluidkiti]

February 10

Quote of the Week

"I don't believe in miracles, I depend on them!"

If you had asked me before recovery if I believed in miracles, I would have laughed in your face. "Look at my life!" I would have said. "There are certainly no miracles happening here." On hindsight I wasn't aware of how miraculous it was I hadn't killed myself or anybody else yet, or how the miracle of recovery was about to happen for me.

During the first few years of recovery, the occurrence of miracles was subtle at first, and I sometimes missed them. My physical sobriety was something I struggled with and then eventually took for granted, but it was surely my first miracle. Later, the miracles of emotional recovery and the emerging awareness of and appreciation for my spiritual self were also examples of the miracles taking place in my life. And, of course, I was always surrounded by the many miracles happening in the lives of those in the rooms around me.

These days I've come to rely on the existence of miracles even though they may not always look like I expect them to. Today I realize it's enough to just believe in them, to show up and be of service, and to let God do the rest. Then I just sit back and let the miracles happen.

Today, I believe in miracles.

[willbe275]

A big time Amen to that, I can truly
identify with every word you said.
It is still so easy at times to fall into
complacency, that is why I will always
need God, the rooms and brothers and
sisters like you always in my life.
Know matter what, I must always remember
first thing first.


W.O.W:170:

[bluidkiti]

February 17

Quote of the Week

"Getting stuck means you are in between surrenders."

Before recovery I felt stuck in many areas of my life. I was stuck in a job I hated, stuck in unhealthy relationships I didn't know how to get out of, and stuck in an endless cycle of drinking and using. With no tools to help me, my life continued to spin out of control. Once I reached my bottom though, I finally surrendered and my recovery began.

When I started the steps I was introduced to a whole new life. I learned new ways of thinking, new ways of acting, and I also learned new ways to be stuck. Because of my old ideas and my resistance, I soon became stuck on the third step, and it was a long time before I surrendered to God's will. Then I was stuck on the fourth step, and once again it took a while to surrender to the process of an inventory. Oddly, even though the tool of surrender always worked, I usually insisted on being stuck for a while before I would use it.

Today I'm much quicker to recognize when I'm stuck and to do something about it. Today my tolerance for pain is small, and whenever I'm feeling uncomfortable, I immediately ask myself what I'm afraid of or what I'm resisting. As soon as I'm clear on what it is, I surrender and ask for God's will and direction. As always, this restores me to sanity and to the serenity I've come to cherish in my life.

Today I know that when I'm stuck, it just means I'm in between surrenders.

[bluidkiti]

February 24

Quote of the Week

"If you stay in the middle of this program, it's hard to fall off the edge."

I don't know about you, but I see them. People who come to meetings late, sit near the door, smoke outside during the meeting, jet out the door right after the meeting. These people scare me because they seem to be half in the program and half out. One foot out the door as they say. That's a scary and dangerous place to be.

When people who have gone out come back in (those who make it back in, that is), they all tell a familiar story: "I drifted away. First I stopped working with a sponsor, then I stopped taking commitments, then I went to less and less meetings. Before I knew it, I had a cold beer (or glass of wine) in my hand." And their stories all go downhill from there.

I was taught early on in my recovery that I needed to stay in the middle of the pack. The lion called alcoholism picks off the outside stragglers, but I'm safe if I stay in the middle. Today I still arrive early to meetings and speak to newcomers. I sit at the very front of meetings so I'm not distracted, and I take on commitments so I'm forced to show up even when I think I don't need to. Because of this I feel I'm in the middle, and I feel much better there than on the edge. I hope you do, too.

[bluidkiti]

March 3

Quote of the Week

"I would love to, but I need to talk to my sponsor first."

Before recovery I listened to my own best thinking, and you can imagine where that got me. Time and time again I'd follow one "good idea" with another until I was in so much trouble I didn't know what to do. And that's when I'd think of the best idea ever, and I'd act on it. After a while, the only thing worse than my problems where the solutions I would think up for them!

When I entered the program, my sponsor constantly asked me if I had any good ideas left. Plenty, I told him. "Make sure and run your thinking by me first then," he said. When I objected to this he reminded me that my best thinking was what had gotten me into the rooms. As I followed his direction, and as he walked me through the inevitable consequences of my thinking, I began to see the wisdom of his advice.

What's so interesting to me now is that even with years in recovery, my thinking remains much the same. It is still driven by the disease of addiction and automatically defaults to self will and self seeking. Because of this, I've found that the same advice I was given in the beginning remains true for me today -

I should still run my thinking by my sponsor first.

[bluidkiti]

March 10

Quote of the Week

"Don't count the days, make the days count."

Can you remember counting the days in early recovery? I sure can. I remember how difficult it sometimes was to make it through the weekend or even the evening, and I can still feel how grateful I was to have made it through another day. Those 30 day, 60 day and 90 day chips were a BIG deal to me, and with each chip I felt a growing relief, as if I had escaped from prison and was still free.

As the months turned into years, my focus shifted and I began to wonder what I wanted to do with my life. This was a new thought for me and it was difficult at first to overcome years of self-loathing and low self esteem. But after a while I began to dream of what I might become and what my Higher Power had in store for me, and once I settled on a direction I began living my life with purpose.

Today my days are filled with the joy of living. My focus is off survival and thoughts of myself, and instead I focus on what I can pack into the stream of life. I no longer wake up and say, "Oh, God, not another day!" But rather, "Thank God, I have another day!" I'm grateful that I no longer count the days, but rather, I look for ways to make the days count.

[bluidkiti]

March 17

Quote of the Week

There are some days when I say, "What program?" "God who?"

Last week my business website was hacked, my site was taken down, and my account was suspended. For hours, while I lost revenue and customers, I pleaded, begged and threatened my hosting company's technical support. For the most part I was polite and professional, but I was cursing under my breath, anxious and pissed off. After it was all over, I was a wreck. Later that evening I wondered why I hadn't brought God into it and why I hadn't worked my program.

What I realized is that fear is still the chief activator of my character defects, and prime among them is fear of losing something I have or of not getting what I demand. As I furiously instant messaged and emailed their support, I saw eight years of work go down the drain, felt the pain of starting over and grew increasingly resentful. Thankfully everything was resolved in a few hours, but for a while I was alone and spiritually vulnerable.

As I reflect back on the experience, I'm amazed by how quickly I can abandon my program when I'm in fear. I completely understand when I hear of people who pick up a drink after 20 years and can't explain why. I know that alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful, and I'm constantly reminded that I must remain vigilant.

Because even after all my time in recovery, there are some days when I say, "What program?" "God who?"

[bluidkiti]

March 24

Quote of the Week

"A Big Book that's falling apart is usually carried by a person who isn't."

I have heard so many times in meetings that the answers to my alcoholism and to the problems in my life are to be found in the Big Book. The question I have to ask myself is how often do I go there to find them? And the answer these days is not often enough.

When I was new I spent a lot of time reading the Big Book. My sponsor and I went through it page by page, and I'd attend book study meetings where I would break it down even more. And as my book began falling apart, I realized that my life no longer was.

Recently I've made a commitment to get back to basics and read the Big Book again. There are areas of my life that aren't where I want them, and I know that I'll find the answers I need in the Big Book. I've got the latest edition, a yellow highlighter, and I'm going to read and study it until it begins to fall apart. By then I know my life will be in order once again.

[bluidkiti]

March 31

Quote of the Week

"The people who are the angriest are the people who are the most afraid."

It took me a long time to make the connection between my anger and my fear. For years I drowned my fear in alcohol and drugs, and lived pretty detached from my feelings. Those times when I couldn't use, or any extended periods of abstinence, usually left me feeling agitated, edgy, longing for and needing a drink or a drug. I lived for the instant calm and sense of ease my addiction provided me with.

When I entered the program, I was unprepared for the shock of emotions that would grab me and try to pull me apart. Chief among these were my feelings of dread and fear, which manifested themselves as first anger, and then rage. It wasn't until I completed my fear inventory that I began to understand that the reason I was so angry was because I was so full of fear!

One of the gifts of my recovery today is that I am now quick to trace any discomfort, agitation or anger back to fear. If I'm complaining about a line being too long, or someone driving too slow, or if I'm angry at my boss or spouse, I stop and ask myself what I'm afraid of. When the answer comes, as it always does, I use the tools I've developed in the program to deal with it.

Today I have empathy for people who are angry because I know they are really just people who are afraid.

[bluidkiti]

April 7

Quote of the Week

"You're not who you think you are."

I was in a meeting the other day when a woman shared that early in recovery she told her sponsor she was going to commit suicide. "If you did that you wouldn't be committing suicide, you'd be committing homicide," he said. "What do you mean?" she asked. "You have no idea who you are yet, so you'd be killing someone else. That's why it'd be homicide." Boy did I relate.

I remember early in recovery struggling to find the real me. At first I thought I was the result of my past actions, and my self-loathing was so intense that I was sure no one would accept or like me. As I worked through that and began feeling better about myself, my ego took over and my mantra became, "Don't you know who I am?" and "Where's mine?!"

It took me a long time to realize I wasn't as good or as bad as I thought I was. With over a decade in recovery and with a multitude of personality shifts, I've come to realize that identifying with my thoughts is a waste of time. I now know that at my core I am simply a channel of God, and the more I focus on being of service the more I come to know my real self and true purpose.

Today I understand what they mean when they say - You're not who you think you are.

[bluidkiti]

April 14

Quote of the Week

"When I wake up in the morning, 80% of the things in my head are none of my business."

I don't know about you, but some mornings when I wake up I'm so overwhelmed with what I'm thinking that I can barely get out of bed. "What if I don't make enough money this week?" "What's going to happen if the economy tanks again and in six months I have to sell my home?" "What if my sore throat turns out to be cancer?" On and on I go until I'm frozen with fear and defeated before I even begin the day.

When I heard today's quote it was explained to me that what's going to happen a week or even two days from now is none of my business. My job is to suit up and show up today, do the very best I can, and then turn the results over to God. I learned that I have absolutely no control over the future, but I do have control over the actions I take today, and this is where my energy and focus needs to be.

While I sometimes find this hard to practice, I always find that when I do my day and my life goes much better. First of all, action is the answer to all my fears. Just doing something - anything - instantly makes me feel better. Second, God does exist, He's working in my life, and He's never let me down. Just spending 5 minutes in the morning in meditation remembering this changes my entire day.

And once I clear out 80% of the thoughts that are none of my business, it's easy to focus on the 20% that make up my life on any given day.

[willbe275]

A big amen to the Quote of the Week.

W.O.W.101

[bluidkiti]

April 21

Quote of the Week

"If you still have some plans left, they suck, and you'll use them."

I hear some people share regularly at my Tuesday night meeting, and they always wish the newcomers one thing - desperation. At first this seemed harsh to me but I realized that if I hadn't hit complete bottom, I, too, would have used any plans I had left.

When I was new my sponsor asked me what my back pocket plans were and I told him: "If this doesn't work for me in 90 days, I'm selling my house, cashing in my Keogh, and moving to England to buy, operate and live above a pub." I was dead serious. He looked at me, smiled, and said, "Keep coming back." And I did.

Today I'm thankful that was the only plan I had left. I know it would probably have killed me, but I had reached such a bottom it didn't matter. If you're new I hope you're out of plans, desperate, and ready to give the program everything you've got. I guarantee you, it's the best plan you'll ever have.

[bluidkiti]

April 28

Quote of the Week

"If you don't go within, you go without."

Legend has it the deepest wisdom was once freely available to man, but he continued to ignore it. The Gods, growing tired of this, decided to hide this wisdom so only those determined to use it would search and find it. They considered hiding it on the tallest mountain, then underneath the sea, and even buried in the earth, but decided that man would eventually stumble upon it. Finally they decided on the perfect place, inside man himself, a place he would never think to look.

This certainly describes me before recovery. I was constantly searching outside of myself for the answers to my life. I was convinced the right job, or the right relationship, or more money would fill the hole I had inside me. Eventually I turned to drugs and alcohol thinking the temporary relief I got would work, but it never did.

I remember the first time I heard this quote, "If you don't go within, you go without". It meant that not only were all the answers inside of me, but that if I didn't go inside for them, then I would keep searching outside of myself and would continue to go without the solutions. It's taken years for me to consistently search within - the Gods did find the perfect hiding place! - but each time I do, the wisdom is there waiting for me.

It's just like my sponsor keeps telling me, "It's an inside job".

[bluidkiti]

May 5

Quote of the Week

"Those who piss us off the most are our greatest teachers."

In the old days (before recovery), a lot of people, places and things really pissed me off. To start with, I resented my family for always trying to tell me what to do (thinly veiled as, "We're just trying to help you."). Schools, jobs, or any other institution that tried to dictate my behavior also pissed me off. I guess you could say I was pretty angry before I got sober.

When I entered the rooms there were a whole new set of rules to follow (thinly veiled as suggestions), and I transferred my rebellion and resentment to them. After 90 days I was still pretty angry when my sponsor told me something I didn't get at first, but which is a principle I now live by. He told me that whenever someone or something made me upset, it was always because there was something spiritually unbalanced in me.

What I've come to understand today is that whenever I get pissed off, resentful or upset in anyway, I can almost always trace it back to self-centered fear. I'm either afraid I'm going to lose something I have or not get something I think I deserve. When I'm spiritually centered, however, and close to my Higher Power, I realize I already have everything I need and that essential completeness can never be taken away.

Today when someone pisses me off I realize they are just teachers, and I begin looking within for the lesson.

[bluidkiti]

May 12

Quote of the Week

"Drinking gave me the feeling of a job well done without having done a thing."

I remember a restaurant/bar in the rich neighborhood of Brentwood , CA I used to go to after work. I'd saddle up to the long, swank bar and order cocktails while I watched the successful people with money come in to have $200 dinners. I was struggling financially at the time and in the beginning I felt out of place, but after a few drinks I had goal planned my first million and was soon feeling as if I belonged.

Years later in recovery while working on my eighth step - made a list of all the people we had harmed and become willing to make amends - I was surprised when my sponsor told me to put my name on it. When I asked why, he told me to list all the things I had wanted to do and what I had wanted to make out of my life and then write about how alcohol and drugs had taken them away. I thought about that bar in Westwood and hundreds of more like it and of all the plans and goals I had drank and used away.

When they say that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful, they mean it in so many insidious ways. When I think of the potential, the future, the life I drank away, I'm sorry to my core. It's hard to forgive myself sometimes. But when I think of all I have accomplished since I got sober and of the lifetime of dreams still ahead I'm filled with hope and gratitude.

Today I live in and appreciate the miracle of my recovery.

[bluidkiti]

May 19

Quote of the Week

"I have to change what I want to get what I want."

When I was new in the program, my sponsor suggested that I make a list of all the things I wanted and hoped I'd get from being sober. That was easy because I had a long list. I went ahead and made my list - items that would feed my pride or give me property and prestige topped the list - and then attempted to share it with him. "Just put it somewhere safe, and we'll look at it after we work the steps," he said.

As I worked my way through the program, my outside world did improve; I was able to begin accumulating some the things on my list but a funny thing happened - they didn't fix me. In fact, the more I got what I wanted, the more I realized that I didn't really want it. I had changed.

My sponsor told me that I had changed because the program worked from the inside out and that in order for me to get what I wanted I had to change what I wanted. And now I understand. Happiness, serenity, friends, security, don't come from having certain things, they come from being a certain way. The way I am as a result of the program.

[bluidkiti]

May 26

Quote of the Week

"Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. If you're not satisfied, we'll gladly refund your misery."

I'll never forget how crazy I was when I was new. My poor sponsor had to listen to my endless rants, my objections to his suggestions, and all my 'better ideas'. Worst of all, he put up with my constant doubts about whether the program would actually work for me. And that's when he told me to give it 90 days and if it didn't work, he would gladly refund my misery.

I thought he was just being a smart aleck when he said that, and I became determined to prove him wrong. So I did what he told me to do - I got a home group, took commitments, worked the first three steps, and I went to a meeting every day for 90 days. At the end of all that I was amazed that I not only felt better, but my life was improving as well.

When I next asked him how long I'd have to go before I could drink and use again, he smiled and said, "Why don't you try the program for 12 months and if you don't like it, we'll gladly refund your misery". While I balked at the thought of staying sober for a whole year, I secretly imagined toasting my anniversary with a glass of champagne. Nine months later when I took my one year cake, I looked at my sponsor and told him I didn't want my misery back.

And that's when he told me I never had to go back to that way of life again, as long as I kept working my program, one day at a time...

[bluidkiti]

June 2

Quote of the Week

"I'd rather go through life sober believing I'm an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to prove I'm not."

I love it when newcomers share at meetings that they don't think they are alcoholics. Sure they like to party, they admit, and perhaps they had a DUI or two, or lost a job or made a bad scene, but they can control their drinking when they have to. Eventually someone points out that people who don't have a drinking problem are rarely at meetings trying to defend or explain their drinking!

For a long time I also resisted the idea that I might be an alcoholic. The longer I stayed sober and learned about the disease, and the more I compared my behavior with the alcoholics around me, the more I had to admit that I probably was one, too. Rather than be a sentence, though, this turned out to be the key that set me free.

Today, I've stopped debating whether I'm an alcoholic or not, and I choose to live a sober life. It's kind of like that saying about whether to believe in God or not: "I'd rather live my life believing that there is a God and find out in the end there isn't, than live my life believing there isn't a God and end up finding out there is."

In the end, it's about living a good life, and that's what sobriety allows me to do.

[bluidkiti]

June 9

Quote of the Week

"I don't have to like the situation, but it's important that I like myself in it."

When I first got sober, I took a job in Beverly Hills as an investment broker selling municipal bonds. I hated getting up at 4:45 in the morning to drive to work, hated making cold calls all day, and hated making just enough to get by. What I hated most, though, was myself. Selling bonds wasn't who I was, but it was all I knew to do at the time, and because my identity was tied to what I did, if I hated that, I hated myself. Because of this I spent many dark days in the abyss of self-pity and self-loathing.

When I look back on it, I'm surprised I didn't just go back out. Thankfully, the bottom I hit was worse than my day job, and so each night I dragged myself to a meeting to try to find a better way. My sponsor listened patiently as I wallowed in my misery and finally said, "Michael your job isn't about you or who you are. It's simply a vehicle for you to be of service and to help others. And until you see all of life like that you will never be happy no matter what you are doing."

It took me years of working the steps and working with others before I saw the wisdom in what he said. Today I understand the importance of being of service and I find that I like myself a lot more when I'm trying to give rather than get. Because of this I'm able to separate myself from what I have and what I'm doing, and in this way I've learned to live comfortably in my own skin.

Today I may not like all the situations in my life, but I've learned to like myself in them.

[bluidkiti]

June 16

Quote of the Week

"The good part of recovery is that you get your feelings back; the bad part is that you get your feelings back."

Ah, the paradox of recovery (one of many). When I was 'out there' I had an easy way of dealing with my feelings - I'd numb them. Unable to feel or even acknowledge them, I'd drift through the complexities of relationships and situations, neither growing nor evolving. In fact I've heard it said that we come into the program emotionally defined by the age we started drinking and using.

So here I was a 37-year-old man with the emotional maturity of a young 16 year old. And here came a bewildering onslaught of FEELINGS. Shame, fear, rage, regret, resentments-the range, depth and color of my feelings were overwhelming. How could I survive?

Over time I learned that my feelings were not going to kill me. I learned that although sometimes painful and unwanted, my feelings were valid and each had something valuable to teach me. Through working the program I developed tools to process them and soon learned to give them the space and respect they deserved. Today my feelings are teachers, and all teachers are welcome.

[bluidkiti]

June 23

Quote of the Week

"Recovery is the only place where you can walk into a room full of strangers and reminisce."

When I began going to meetings, I remember how uncomfortable it was being around so many people that I didn't know. As soon as they found out I was new, many of them came up to me and gave me their phone numbers, asked me how I was doing, and wanted to know all kinds of things that I didn't want to tell them. It was all pretty overwhelming.

As I sat and listened to people's shares, I was pretty sure I didn't belong because I hadn't done half the stuff I was hearing. That's when my sponsor told me I hadn't done them 'yet'. He asked me if I identified with the other half, and I admitted I did. He suggested I should look for the ways I was the same, rather than the ways I was different.

It's amazing how that little piece of advice has changed my life. Now, no matter what part of the world I'm in, I can always find a part of myself in the strangers I meet in the rooms of recovery. Even if I don't know you personally, I know I can identify with many of your experiences and with the way you feel and think.

This is what allows strangers like us to start reminiscing the first time we ever meet.

[bluidkiti]

June 30

Quote of the Week

"Just because you're having a bad day doesn't mean you're having a bad life."

It's amazing the way my mind used to work. When things were good, it told me they wouldn't last. When things were bad, it told me they were going to get worse. When I was having a bad day, it told me every other day was going to be just as bad and that no matter how hard I tried, my life would end in failure.

When I entered recovery, the first thing I learned was that alcoholism was a disease of perception. I was told that what was happening in my head didn't always reflect what was happening in my life, and I was given tools to help me tell the difference. Gratitude lists helped me see the good as well as the bad; running my thinking by others helped me see past my insanity, and working with others always helped me feel better no matter what was going on.

It took a long time to develop a new perspective on my thinking, but by being willing to change and by working hard at it, I now know that most of what my mind tells me is a lie. To counter this today, when I wake up I turn my thoughts over to my Higher Power, and I let Him direct my thinking. If I'm having a bad day, I know I can start it over at anytime, and I do that by saying to myself, "Thy will, not mine be done." This always works.

Today I know that if I'm having a bad day, it doesn't mean I'm having a bad life. It just means it's time to turn it over.

[bluidkiti]

July 7

Quote of the Week

"We must learn from the mistakes of others because we won't live long enough to make them all ourselves."

Before recovery, I was very judgmental. I especially liked pointing out other people's mistakes and making fun of how stupid they could be. When I made a mistake, I was quick to blame circumstances or others, and rarely did I take responsibility or admit that perhaps I was to blame. After years of avoiding or evading the consequences of my mistakes, they finally caught up with me and I had to surrender.

When I entered recovery, I was still in denial about my behavior, and each time I heard someone share I would think: "I wasn't that bad," and "They sure need to be here". My sponsor reminded me to listen for the similarities not the differences, and soon I began to identify not with their actions, but with their feelings. Once I identified with their feelings, I learned the powerful word "yet". I hadn't made those mistakes yet, but if I had continued drinking and using I probably would have.

Over the years I've learned to listen to and benefit from other people's experience. Now when I hear of the mistakes others have made I'm quick to see how I've done something similar, or how I could have easily made the same mistake given similar circumstances. Today I'm grateful for the mistakes I've made and for what they have taught me, and I'm even more grateful for the mistakes of others. You see, I understand that:

"We must learn from the mistakes of others because we won't live long enough to make them all ourselves."

[bluidkiti]

July 14

Quote of the Week

"There are only two times when you should go to a meeting - when you feel like going, and when you don't feel like going."

It's hard living with a disease that tells me I don't have it. When I'm in between meetings and life is busy, it's easy for me to think of going to a meeting as an imposition. "I'm fine. I don't want to drink, haven't in years, and I'm too busy for a meeting!" That kind of thinking can get me into big trouble.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in the program is to take contrary action to what my head is telling me. In fact I've learned that when my head is telling me I don't need a meeting, it actually means that I REALLY need one. And without exception, I always feel better when I go.

The only thing an alcoholic does in moderation is work the steps. It's cunning, baffling and powerful when my head tells me not to do something that makes me feel better. This is why I just have to take the action and do it anyway. So for me, there are two times when I should go to a meeting - when I feel like it and when I don't.

[bluidkiti]

July 21

Quote of the Week

"Look for a way in, not for a way out."

When I was new, I was constantly looking for a way out. I listened for the parts of your stories that didn't match up with mine, and knew you needed the program but that I didn't. When my sponsor suggested I go to a meeting a day, I knew my schedule and other commitments would never allow me to do that. When I saw the word 'God', I was finally convinced none of this was right for me.

The next time I saw my sponsor, I told him that the program worked for some people, but that it just wasn't going to work for me. He asked me how many days I had, and I told almost 30. He suggested that something was working for me, and said I might want to focus on that and start looking for a way in rather than a way out.

When I asked him how to do this, he said I might want to choose a home group and get a commitment there. He recommended I develop a regular meeting schedule and told me to share often so people would get to know me. He told me I should go out for fellowship, and that I should call other newcomers and ask them how they were doing. And it all worked.

After 12 years in recovery, I'm so grateful my sponsor showed me a way in, so that I didn't have to find the way out.

[bluidkiti]

July 28

Quote of the Week

"GOD - Good Orderly Direction."

Like many newcomers, I had a lot of conflicting feelings and ideas about the God concept in early recovery. I didn't trust the God I had grown up with and so had a hard time turning my will and life over to Him. I was growing pretty discouraged when, once again, my sponsor came to my aid.

He told me to first stop trying to figure out who or what God was. "Your job is simply to come to believe that there is a power greater than you out there somewhere. Who or what that is isn't important. What's important is that it's not you." That put me in my place. "How do I do that?" I asked.

The answer, he told me. was to take Good Orderly Direction. He suggested that I start by attending regular meetings, and that I refrain from drinking or using between those meetings. Next, he said I should begin reading the literature and start working the steps. He encouraged me to begin sharing my feelings honestly with him and with others in recovery. "If you continue to go in a Good Orderly Direction, you'll come to know God," he said.

It took me years, but he was right: GOD has led me to God.

[rainbolt37@yahoo. com]

Love all the posts. My big book is falling apart! Keep saying I'll get it rebinded. After reading the quote that if your big is falling apart the person carrying it isn't I probably won't! What a great site! Was at a meeting last night and heard a guy share that when he got sober he stopped being the driver then learned to be the passenger, now he just gets in the trunk!

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for sharing. Love the concept of your quote.

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTpjY2N499jfrdIDk8XPTmnyjSfG4J1x c-p_0oEEJuy_aSbiE8e

[bluidkiti]

August 4

Quote of the Week

"Our neighbor's window looks much cleaner if we first wash our own."

Now that it's hot again, I've begun sleeping with the windows open to let some of the cooler evening air in. My neighbor must have the same idea because her window is open as well, and the sound of her TV carries in the still summer air making it hard to go to sleep sometimes. Even though she's 82 years old and probably hard of hearing and is the perfect neighbor otherwise, I easily become indignant and start with the, "How dare she!" How soon I tend to forget...

For years while drinking and using, I carried on like a madman. I played my music as loud as I could stand, late into the night, and often partied with friends and family on the patio next to my neighbor's living room. I had no awareness nor concern for anyone but myself, and through it all my neighbor remained calm and respectful and never said a word. You'd think that now that I'm in recovery I'd have more empathy and understanding, but that's not always my first reaction.

What I've found is that I have little initial tolerance for behaviors I used to practice with abandon. As an ex-smoker, for example, I'm an anti smoker now and am irritated and resentful if someone smokes within 20 feet of me. Through it all, I have learned to continually ask for understanding and tolerance from my Higher Power, and I've learned that it's up to me to take the high road and set the example with my behavior. And I find that when I do everything works out for the best.

I find that my neighbor's window looks much cleaner when I wash my own first.

[bluidkiti]

August 11

Quote of the Week

"Instead of telling God how big your fears are, start telling your fears how big your God is."

Before recovery, we were driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear. During steps 6 and 7, we began to release some of these character defects, but some habits are hard to break. Like feeding into our fears.

But when we can pause and work our program of recovery, we remember that we are not alone. In fact, our greatest asset in our new life is our connection with and relationship to our Higher Power. We know from repeated experience that God has, can and continues to work miracles in our lives and in the lives of those we meet in the rooms.

Rather than giving power to my fears today, I now give my fears to God. My solution is that when I'm telling my fears how big my God is, I'm thinking about God -- not my fears. And that is when the miracle takes place.

[bluidkiti]

August 18

Quote of the Week

"The key to happiness is usefulness"

This quote really resonated with me the instant I hear it. I immediately thought about how serenely happy I am right after working with a sponsee, and how that feeling can last for hours. The secret of course is being of service, and the happiness comes from taking the focus off myself and focusing instead on being useful to another.

What's amazing about this is not that it works every time (which it does), but that I so often forget and even resist it. Being selfish and self centered to the core my default is to be alone and self obsess. When I find myself in such a state, I'm not useful to myself or to anyone else. And I'm certainly not happy.

"People rot out quicker than they wear out" is another quote I heard and it seems to tie into this quite well. The bottom line for me is that when I'm into action, working with others or being of service in the program in another way, I'm out of myself and I feel fulfilled.

My experience continues to teach me it's no coincidence - the key to happiness is usefulness.

[bluidkiti]

August 25

Quote of the Week

"When you're going through hell, keep going!"

Before recovery, hell often seemed like a destination rather than a passing part of the overall journey. Whenever I found myself in an insufferable situation, I easily convinced myself that this was my new lot in life and that it would never get better. Rather than try to figure ways out of it, I often wallowed in self-pity and waited for things to get worse.

When I started working with my sponsor, I argued and debated and tried hard to convince him that I was different, and that I could never recover. After listening to me for weeks, he asked if I was willing to try a different way. "But it won't work" I whined. "Are you at least willing to try?" He repeated. When I finally said yes, my life began to change.

The freedom and recovery I have found through working the steps has shown me the way out of the hell I used to put myself through. Today I look for solutions to situations that used to baffle me, and I have learned through experience that 'This, too, shall pass'. Today I stay focused on the next indicated action and look for ways to move through times that seem unbearable.

Today I know that when I'm going through hell, it's important that I keep going!

[bluidkiti]

September 1

Quote of the Week

"People have the right not to recover."

The first time I heard this saying I thought it was cruel and insensitive. I had been in Al-Anon about six months and was still convinced that I not only could help other people in my life recover, but that it was in fact my job to do so. Learning to detach with love was still foreign to me and the idea of allowing someone to destroy their life was unthinkable. When I asked my sponsor what to do he told me to look at my own experience.

As a double winner (in both programs), I knew first hand how ineffective others were in trying to get me to see the dangers of my drinking and using. The more they tried to warn me or control my behavior, the more I resented and avoided them. In fact, their attempts had the opposite effect - they drove me to isolate and drink even more! In the end what I learned to be true is what I've since heard in meetings a thousand times - until we admit to our innermost selves that we're an alcoholic (or addict) we won't do the things we need to do to get and stay sober.

Over the years one of the things that continue to baffle me is why some people recover and others - who so obviously need it and would benefit from it - don't. I've had to accept my powerlessness over others, but it's still hard to see those I care about ruin their lives. My sponsor once told me that I needed to respect someone's decision to drink themselves to death. That still sounds harsh but there's a strange, sad truth to it.

It's a reminder that people have the right to not recover.

[bluidkiti]

September 8

Quote of the Week

"The most spiritual thing you can do is to help someone."

One of the most important things I've learned in the program is that whenever two alcoholics get together, God is present. I feel the energy of God flow through me as I talk with, listen to and help another person. It often takes contrary action for me to reach out, but I am always rewarded with a sense of peace and serenity as I connect with and help another.

It wasn't always like this. Selfish and self-centered in the extreme, I crawled into the rooms emotionally bankrupt and in a state of perdition. I dammed God's energy up inside me, and it almost destroyed me. Even today I have to guard against my tendency to isolate and self obsess.

Indeed, one of the greatest lessons I've learned (and seemingly have to re-learn!) is that God's purpose, and so my purpose, is to be of service. It is the way out of the prison of self, and it always sets both our spirits free.

[bluidkiti]

September 15

Quote of the Week

"If you don't like what you hear at a meeting, then say what you need to hear."

At a question and answer meeting I attend, I often hear questions and comments from people who either don't enjoy meetings, or who don't think that particular meeting gives them what they need. "It's always the same people saying the same things," I hear them say. I'm response to thins, a member shared this quote and suggested they participate and "say what you need to hear."

In itself this is great advice, but it addresses a fundamental issue as well - being of service. So many people (myself included) go to meetings to get something from them and to feel better afterwards. And most of the time we do. What we may forget sometimes, though, is that meetings are also a perfect place for us to be of service. Often what we end of taking away from a meeting is in direct proportion to what we contributed to it.

These days, whenever I'm feeling annoyed or disinterested at a meeting, I now know to ask myself what "I'm" doing to add to it. This works so well, that I now do this at work, at home, and even at the market.

Service truly is the answer in my life today and the best part is that here is always, everywhere, an opportunity for me to be of service.

[bluidkiti]

September 22

Quote of the Week

"God's rejection is God's protection."

Recently I had an opportunity that I was really excited about fall through unexpectedly. At first I was disappointed, then I grew angry, and then I began to examine my part. After determining, with the help of my sponsor, that my side of the street was clean, I began to feel like the Universe was against me and that I might never get what I wanted. And that's when I heard this quote.

This quote immediately reminded me that I had turned my will and my life over to the care of a God of my understanding, and that after I took the appropriate actions, the results were no longer up to me. Despite my expectations, or hopes or desires, I was reminded that turning it over meant accepting God's will for me, even if (and maybe especially if) things didn't turn out the way I thought they should.

This realization soon brought about a surrender. And for me, at this stage of my recovery, I generally find that what I am surrendering is my limited vision for one that is grander, more fulfilling and more appropriate for the person God intends for me to become. God always has a better idea for me than any I can think up for myself.

Today, I have real faith that God's rejection is God's protection.

[bluidkiti]

September 29

Quote of the Week

"If I'm OK with me, I have no need to make you wrong."

One of the biggest gifts I've been given in recovery is the ability to pause when I'm feeling anxious, angry or judgmental and ask myself what I'm afraid of. Just today as I was driving I found that I was taking all the other driver's inventories. That guy was driving to fast; she was making an illegal u-turn; that guy was driving like an idiot and should be locked up. Suddenly a wonderful awareness came over me and I stopped and did a quick fear inventory. Within minutes I was restored to sanity and once again my focus was where it should have been - on my own driving.

It didn't always used to be this way. For years whenever I was feeling out of sorts, I looked outside of myself for the cause. There was always someone not doing things my way, or someone acting worse than I was, and it was easy to point out their faults to make myself feel better. Needless to say, I had more resentments than friends, and when I entered the program I was angry and alone.

What I've learned in recovery is that whenever I'm feeling irritable, restless or discontented, it is always because I'm in self-centered fear and spiritually disconnected from my Higher Power. The ability to recognize this has literally changed my life, and today I use the tools of the program to self-sooth and to live comfortably in my own skin.

Today if I'm OK with me, I have no need to make you wrong.

[bluidkiti]

October 6

Quote of the Week

"You Have to Feel to Heal."

Before recovery, I would use just about anything not to feel. Drugs, alcohol, relationships, food, TV -- the list was endless. Without tools to deal with my feelings, I was uncomfortable and afraid of them, and they often became overwhelming.

In early recovery my sponsor always used to tell me that feelings were not facts. They were just feelings. It took me a long time to understand that, but now I know that as bad as some of my feelings are, they won't kill me. Recovery has taught me that I can now sit with my feelings and learn what they are trying to teach me.

Today I have come to welcome my feelings rather than run from them. Today my feelings are like little guides that lead me to the depths of who I am, and I am no longer afraid to go there. Today I know that to feel is to heal in a sacred and profound way. Today I am grateful for my feelings.

[bluidkiti]

October 13

Quote of the Week

"When one door closes, another opens, but it's hell in the hallways."

Boy do we hate change. Before recovery I had few tools or healthy ways of dealing with change. If something ended in my life, it often felt like the end of my life. Once I entered the hallway, it was dark indeed.

As I worked through recovery, I learned many valuable life lessons. The first was 'One day at a time.' I still have to remind myself that I can do anything just for today, and get through it if I keep my focus on today. The hallway doesn't look so long or so dark when I do this.

Perhaps the biggest thing I learned is that "This, too, shall pass." No matter how bad things are, or what is happening, it too will pass and things will change. And with change will come new openings, new opportunities, and new beginnings.

Today, when one door closes, I have tools to deal with the hallways while I wait and watch for the new doors to open.

[bluidkiti]

October 20

Quote of the Week

"No God, No Peace. Know God, Know Peace."

Lately, I've been having a pretty rough time with my business. So many companies have tightened their budgets because of the economy, and that means my sales (and income) are way down as a result. This has led to many restless nights, getting up at 4am, and having a knot in my stomach most of the day.

As I went to bed last Sunday night, I could feel the familiar dread descending. As the knot began forming, I suddenly remembered to reach out to God. Why had I been trying to go it alone? I immediately asked God to be with me right then and told Him I didn't want to wake up alone. I asked Him to be with me in the morning, to comfort me and to allow me to know His peace.

As soon as I said that prayer, I felt my body relax and the knot disappear. I felt a calm and a peace I hadn't known for many nights. While I still woke up early, the difference was that I wasn't worried like the other mornings; rather, I knew the presence of God was with me. As I lay there I just kept thinking - remember it works if you work it!

I also remembered - "No God, no peace. Know God, know peace."

[bluidkiti]

October 27

Quote of the Week

"God can't give you anything new until you let go of the old."

I hate change. For some reason I'm convinced that things will get worse if they change, and even if things aren't so good now I'd rather they stay the same rather than risk a change. When I came into the program I was told I'd only have to change one thing, and I was relieved to hear that. But then they told me that one thing was everything! I quickly realized that the first thing I needed to change was my attitude about change.

A good friend of mine in the program has a different view on change. She says that you can't know what you don't know. "How many times do things get better after they change?" she asks. When I think about this and look at my experience, I find that they almost always get better. "Then why not look at change as a chance for improvement and turn the results over to your Higher Power?" she suggests.

The more I follow my friend's advice, the easier it is for me to handle change. A couple of days ago my wireless router went out and it felt like the end of the world. After I calmed down, it occurred to me that I might get a more powerful router and actually have improved wireless coverage in my home. Now that was a change! These days when things change, I ask myself how they have improved or how I can make them better. Once I put my focus here, I find it's easier to let go and even look forward to change.

What I've learned is that God can't give me anything new until I let go of the old.

[bluidkiti]

November 3

Quote of the Week

"The difference between my will and God's will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, and God's will starts out hard and gets easy."

A perfect example of this quote is the program itself. My will told me it was much easier to keep using and doing what I was doing then to work the program and the steps. Of course, my will may have appeared easier at first, but oh how hard that path was. By contrast, God's will for me was to recover, and though it was hard at first my life is infinitely better and life truly is easier.

The main problem with my will is that it is first and foremost about me. It tricks me into believing that if I take care of my wants first, then I'll be able to help another -- of course I usually find out that my wants are insatiable, and I quickly become lost in their demands.

God's will, on the other hand, is usually about helping others and with what's right for all concerned -- the whole picture in which I am just part. While this seems backwards to me at times, I always find out that when I'm able to surrender to God's will, my real wants and needs are met and exceeded in ways I never could have imagined.

These days it's easier for me to differentiate between my will and God's will, and more and more I'm able to make the right choice. Ultimately, it's about being comfortable in my own skin, and only choosing God's will guarantees me that.

[bluidkiti]

November 10

Quote of the Week

"Listen for the similarities not the differences."

I was given this suggestion right before my first ever meeting, and not only did it allow me to pay closer attention, but it also helped me to identify and come to see how I fit in. I relied on this and kept listening for the similarities during other meetings, and each time I did I found pieces of myself and my story come out of the mouths of others.

Besides identifying with others in this way, I also began identifying with the different stages of recovery. Each time someone shared their experience of using the steps to meet life on life's terms, I could begin relating my own journey of recovery and this gave me hope and the strength to keep going.

Like many of the lessons I've learned in recovery, I now apply this one in all areas of my life. Listening for the similarities in others experience at work, at home, and in all my relationships has increased my empathy not only for others, but also for myself.

Today, I'm quick to see how my experience and life journey is similar to others and this helps keep me connected, humble and happy.

[bluidkiti]

November 17

Quote of the Week

"Recovery isn't for people who need it; it's for people who want it."

After I was sober a while I started thinking about all the people I knew who could really benefit from, and in fact really needed, the recovery I had found in the program. This was especially true of the newcomers who kept relapsing. "They really need this program," I'd say to my sponsor. "Why can't they get it?"

And that's when he told me that this program isn't for people who need it; it's for people who want it. He said that if everyone who needed this attended meetings we'd have to rent out stadiums, not rooms and dining halls. He told me that only the desperate can become willing enough to do what we do to get what we have. And that's when I thought about my own journey.

For years I needed recovery, but I still had better ideas. It wasn't until I had hit bottom and was willing to abandon myself to this program that I began to recover. I now understand when someone says to a newcomer, "I wish you desperation," because it is only by hitting bottom that one can go from needing this to wanting it.

Today I realize that everyone is on their own journey, and that although many may need recovery, until they want it, they won't be able to get it.

[bluidkiti]

November 24

Quote of the Week

"Develop an 'Attitude of Gratitude'."

I have a secret weapon in my recovery tool bag - the Gratitude List. Oh I know, you've heard all about gratitude lists, but when was the last time you made one? Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed or in fear, the fastest way out is for me to make a quick list of 50 things I'm grateful for.

When I mention this to people, their first reaction is 50?! If 50 seems like a lot to you, too, it's just because you're not in the habit of making gratitude lists. The secret is to list the things you're grateful for that are centered on what you are feeling anxious or fearful about.

For example, when I'm in financial fear, I list all the things around finances I'm grateful for. These usually include that today I have a place to sleep; my rent is paid; the electricity is working (and it helps when I think of all the people who don't even have electricity!); I have money in my pocket; I've always earned money and did so yesterday or last week/month, etc. This works for every topic, and after you get started 50 comes easy.

Today my life is good; I'm appreciative and I know serenity because I know how to develop and live in an attitude of gratitude.

[bluidkiti]

December 1

Quote of the Week

"Expectations are premeditated resentments."

Oh how I still like to try to control people, places and things. Even though the first step teaches me about my powerlessness, and the third step gives me the tools to dealing with life, I still find myself resentful when things don't go my way. And I can usually trace my resentments back to my expectations.

Expectations are indications that I haven't fully turned my will and life over to God. It means I've forgotten that my job is to suit up and show up and that it is God's job to take care of the results. Since expectations are results in disguise, it's no wonder they so easily lead to resentments.

Today I use expectations as reminders to refocus my energy and thoughts on the actions that I have to take and to stay out of the results. I immediately do a quick first, second, and third step on the situation and turn my expectations over to my Higher Power. Doing this allows me to be truly open to the gifts in the results (and they are always there if I am open to them), and it keeps me safe from unnecessary resentments.

[bluidkiti]

December 8

Quote of the Week

"If you can't learn to laugh at yourself, we'll do it for you..."

Oh how serious everything was when I entered recovery. Overwhelmed by the problems I'd created, a home life that was in shambles, unemployed and unemployable, I didn't find very many things funny. But the people in the rooms sure did. I often sat in amazement as one after another would share what seemed like horrible experiences of things they'd done or that had happened to them, while the room roared with laughter! What's wrong with these people, I'd think?

The way that people were able to laugh and make fun of the things they had done made me uncomfortable to say the least. Still filled with the secret shame of my own experiences and thoughts, I was much too self conscious to share, and was still sure that if you knew what I had done, then you'd banish me from the rooms and I'd have no where to go. Once again, I felt trapped.

As I worked my way through the steps and my life started to improve, I soon found myself identifying and laughing right along with everyone else. In fact, after a while I had enough distance and perspective on my life that I could even begin to see the humor in some of the situations my own warped way of thinking had gotten me into.

I found I had developed compassion and empathy for myself, and this allowed me to laugh again - and what a gift that's been...

[bluidkiti]

December 15

Quote of the Week

"I know I have another drunk in me, but I don't know if I have another recovery."

A shiver shot down my spine when I first heard this quote. I know how easy it would be for me to pick up a cold Heineken or glass of cabernet sauvignon at a nice restaurant. And my disease even tries to convince me I could handle it. "It's been years since you've had a drink," it whispers. "You can drink normally now," it says.

As I think those first drinks through, I know I might get away with them, but inevitably I'd end up drunk. I know myself well enough to know that I've easily got another drunk in me. I can't say the same thing about recovery, though, and that's why my spine still tingles when I read this quote.

Getting sober and taking the steps was a lot of work. Good work, to be sure, but it took countless surrenders, unparalleled willingness, and a humbling of my ego that only the desperation of the drowning can understand. If the fires of alcoholism were lit again, I don't know if I'd ever be able to contain them. That why I pray to God in the morning to keep me sober another day, and thank Him at night for doing so.

Because I know I have another drunk in me, but I don't know if I have another recovery.

[bluidkiti]

December 22

Quote of the Week

"When you own your part, you own your power."

When I was new to the program, I dreaded doing my fourth step inventory. What possible good could it do me to list all my resentments I wondered? When my sponsor told me there was an invisible category called "my part", I was sure this was going to be a useless exercise. I mean, I didn't have a part in choosing my parents, or my siblings, or what happened to me at school and on and on. Just thinking about it made me resentful!

After months of painful and exhaustive writing, I finally finished the first draft of my inventory. I remember reading it to my sponsor and becoming more and more irritated each time he asked me about my part. "But I'm talking about what he, she, or it did to me," I complained. "Yes, but yours is the only part you can change," he said. And that's when I began to understand.

I had spent a lifetime blaming other people, places and things for the misery in my life and all that did was make me a perpetual victim. Once I learned to focus on my part, however, I began to see the role my own behavior played in the destructive patterns in my life. And that's when I discovered I had the power to change them.

You see I learned that when you own your part, you own your power.

[bluidkiti]

December 29, 2014

Quote of the Week

"God handed me the menu. He didn't tell me to choose the sh!t sandwich."

This quote seemed appropriate for the New Year because it reminds me that in recovery, with a relationship with a Higher Power, I have a world of opportunities open to me. In meetings every week I hear others share about going back to school, or changing careers, or starting a family - all miracles of recovery and all part of the new life available through the program.

This quote also reminds me that while there are many new and wondrous opportunities available, it is still up to me to choose the right path. Do I choose to work my program today, to turn my will and my life over and pray for and try to do God's will? Or do I stay isolated, not go to a meeting, drink too much coffee and spend my time regretting the past and fearing the future? What do I do with the menu God gives me each day?

As I look towards the New Year ahead, I have an overwhelming feeling of possibility and hope as I acknowledge with gratitude the new menu of life I've been given in recovery. I make resolutions to make better choices, and I ask God to guide me and to release me from the character defects that lead me to reach for the wrong kind of sandwich. Today I will use my power of choice to make this year the best one yet.