Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - February

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February 1

The True Path to Recovery

Suppose someone who has found the correct path calls out to you, No! Don't take that path, it goes nowhere. I will direct you to the right one. It would be foolish to ignore this advice and proceed with a trial-and-error method. Recovery from chemical dependency is much like a complicated maze. A person who fails to achieve sobriety may repeat the same mistake many times. There are people who have discovered how to achieve sobriety. They can tell us which ways are ineffective and which ways work. It is most foolish to reject the proven wisdom of experience.

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February 2

Overcome Distorted Thinking

A woman addicted to prescription drugs became dysfunctional, yet thought she was unable to afford treatment because of inadequate insurance coverage. I told her there was a fund for interest-free loans, which she could repay with money she would save by discontinuing drugs. The woman considered it a kindness to her husband that she not avail herself of the loan. She could not see that remaining addicted, dysfunctional, and spending $400 a month on drugs was far from a kindness. We need the help of competent therapists and people with long sobriety to help us avoid the pitfalls of faulty judgments.

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February 3

Gratitude

People may have difficulty accepting gratitude from others. Sometimes we thank a person, and the response is, Don't mention it. People may want to minimize what they've done. However, that may be taken as a rejection of gratitude. It would be better to say, I'm glad I could be of help. When a person does not express gratitude immediately, we may build up resentment. When someone excuses himself for not having thanked you earlier, you might say, I never doubted your appreciation. I understand that can happen. It has happened to me more than once. You will thus be both considerate and truthful.

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February 4

Time Takes Time

One recovering woman wrote: It has taken me four years to feel good about myself, to feel I have something to offer others. Although this woman did not perceive any changes in the first two years, she did attend meetings and did not drink. Her perception is it took four years to overcome her unwarranted negative feelings, but some things cannot be hurried. It is unrealistic to expect feelings of inadequacy that you've held for decades to disappear in just a few months. This young woman's message emphasizes that time takes time. We must have patience in recovery.

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February 5

Learn to Ask For Help

There is a time when accepting gifts is appropriate. A recovering woman wrote: I swallowed my pride and asked my Dad to help me buy a car. It is the symbol of my recovery. I believe Dad and Mom were pleased I finally asked for their help. During active addiction there may be enabling that is destructive. When this woman recovered, it was then appropriate for her parents to help her. As she developed better self-esteem in recovery, she was able to accept her parents' gifts. Constructive help during recovery should not be rejected. There is no need to be deprived unnecessarily.

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February 6

The Lessons of Recovery

Children who grew up with an addicted parent sometimes develop character traits that cause problems in adjusting to life. During addiction we make believe harsh parts of life don't exist. In recovery we learn to deal even with unpleasant things. If our past behavior adversely affected the people we love, we must deal with that. Recovering addicts send a powerful message to their children -- one of courage to overcome ravages of addiction. If a child learns there is no giving up, that with hope, trust, and faith there is a chance for happiness, this is a valuable lesson.

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February 7

Don't Set Yourself Up For Failure

A person involved in a business venture or a relationship may believe she will fail and be accused of being inadequate. In order to avoid being blamed, she involves someone else in such a way that, if she fails, the other person will get the blame. Recovering people sometimes set themselves up so they can blame others for disappointments. They fail to see they designed things to result in failure. But by consistently working on the recovery program, and with good sponsorship and competent counseling, you can prevent setting yourself up for failure.

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February 8

How to Take a Compliment

Why should a pleasant comment be rejected? Addicts may be irritated by compliments, and behave in a manner that elicits negative comments. We must recognize how eliciting negativity has become an established pattern, and how recovery can result in positive remarks. People in early recovery may avoid contact with those who give compliments, and may thus lose the support of the people they need the most. Bear this in mind when relating to people in early recovery, as well as while you are recovering yourself. During that period of adaptation, patience on everyone's part is essential.

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February 9

Live in the Present

Almost every alcoholic I know has been remorseful following drinking, and has vowed never to drink again, but does it anyway. A wise man can see the present. Preoccupation with the future is an escape from the present. We can make plans and resolutions, and fantasize to our heart's content. That's what I'll quit tomorrow is all about. It is the difficult present that requires so much effort. The demands of the present are real, and any sacrifices must be made now. The program reminds us that we must deal with today -- the only day we can really do something about.

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February 10

Setback or Opportunity?

A wise man said, Whenever you fall, try to pick something up. The common reaction to a fall is to express anger, get up, and brush oneself off. This may be a missed opportunity. People can have numerous kinds of falls: a broken relationship, business failure, illness, disappointment, a slip in sobriety. Do not be so preoccupied with your own bitterness that you miss the opportunity to identify with others. Of course you must get up and continue on your way. Before you do so, look around. The fall may have had a purpose: there may be someone whom you can now help.

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February 11

Pray Every Day

A verse in the Book of Proverbs states: All the days of the poor are wretched, but if he has a good heart, his meal is always festive. The person who must look to God for her daily bread is a constant beneficiary of God's bounty. When our existence depends on praying for each day of sobriety, it is the highest compliment we can receive. If we must call upon God every day, that means He wishes to hear us every day. Being in a program that teaches us to live one day at a time, and that we are dependent upon God every day, is a blessing.

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February 12

Find Your Inner Voice

In recovery, we should be guided by our inner voice. But what about the inner voice that used to say, One drink won't hurt you. How are we to distinguish between this destructive voice and the wise inner voice? An urge is when you feel a tug, that you are being drawn to something: take just one drink or just one hit of cocaine. The inner voice says, Don't be stupid. Every time you've done that in the past it was disastrous. The urge is your addiction talking to you. The way to overcome the urge is to hear the message of the inner voice.

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February 13

The Miracle of Recovery

Sobriety is indeed a miracle. It is remarkable people can give up the chemicals that have been the only thing that made life tolerable for them. When people join the Twelve Step fellowship, they meet people for whom life without chemicals is actually enjoyable. The fact that they trust in someone to be willing to give up chemicals is miraculous. When we work with people who are in early recovery, we are asking them to trust us and accept our assurance that life without chemicals is livable. We must behave in a manner to deserve that trust. This not only helps them but also makes us better people.

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February 14

Celebrating Sobriety

One recovering person celebrated his 17th anniversary by taking a trip to the Holy Land. He wrote: I am at peace with myself. How different it is from that morning 17 years ago. My life, then devoid of hope, was forever changed. Since that day it has been my special privilege to stand on the path of many headed into the gates of insanity and hell, and show a sign that they need not go this way, but with the radiance of God's love to their back, turn and walk with God's will to a new life. I am free at last, sober and filled with the joy of life.

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February 15

Paranoia

Sometimes we misinterpret other's actions. Suppose as you enter a room, someone walks out. He may be leaving to make a call. But you may think, He is leaving because he does not like me. We may be so self-conscious, so sensitive, and perhaps so expecting of criticism or rejection that we read intentions into other's behavior. Because our thinking may be skewed by groundless feelings, we would be wise to check our interpretations with someone else. We might realize we have created monsters where none exist. We can rid ourselves of unnecessary misery, and remove obstacles that can undermine friendly relationships.

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February 16

Learning to Pray

Prayer is an important component of recovery. We begin each day by praying for another day of sobriety, and ask God for serenity, courage, and wisdom. Some complain they do not know how to pray. Just say the words even if you don't have the feeling. The feeling will come eventually. Sometimes we cannot ask for help from anyone, even God, because we must do everything ourselves a characteristic of active addiction. Why not pray for the ability to pray? Dear God, please help me reach You. Please help me pray. We can pray in order to stimulate our desire to pray.

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February 17

The Dangers of Codependency

If we wish to help others, we must meet our own essential needs first. People who are codependent often violate this rule. They believe by self-sacrifice and catering to the addictive behavior they are helping that person. The fact is they not only become victims but enable and prolong the addiction rather than help stop it. Anyone who deals with a chemically dependent person should avail himself of an outside opinion, such as an addiction counselor or an AI-Anon or Nar-Anon group. Otherwise, wrong things done with the best of intentions may adversely affect the entire family.

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February 18

Learn to Let Go

Sometimes one partner in a relationship rejects the other, but the other fights to keep the relationship going. What the rejected partner may feel is pain of rejection, and wishes to hold on because he cannot tolerate being rejected. This is a self-love rather than love for the other person. This breakup may happen in the relationship of an addict. If someone wants out of the relationship, it is foolish to preserve it. Do not be fooled into thinking you love the other person so intensely you cannot live without him or her. True love is reciprocated. If it is not true love, why try to preserve the relationship?

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February 19

Self-Awareness vs. Self-Deception

The Twelve Steps are in proper sequence. One man complained he relapsed in spite of working a diligent AA program. Analysis revealed that although he admitted he was powerless, and that only a power greater than himself could restore his sanity, he still believed he could get everything in perfect order by himself before turning his life over to God. Much of addiction deals with a delusion of omnipotence. This man deceived himself. Avoid such mistakes. Take advantage of the wisdom of people with long sobriety, for whom the program has worked well. They can help with self-deception.

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February 20

The Challenge of Self-Discovery

The requirement of the Fourth Step to Make a fearless moral inventory indicates there is something frightening about this step. It is not the discovery of our defects that is frightening, but the discovery of our strengths and skills. Being aware of our potential imposes the responsibility of accomplishing things. If we fear failure, we find it easy to think, 'There's no use in trying. I can't do it anyway. So we need to muster all the courage we can to face discovering how good we really are, and that we have strengths and abilities we never dreamt of before. Don't be afraid. You will ultimately enjoy it.

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February 21

Even Legal Drugs Are Treacherous

All mood-altering drugs are potentially addictive. Even drugs prescribed by doctors can be addictive. People who have discontinued regular use of tranquilizers report physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms lasting up to two years -- far longer than withdrawal symptoms of even cocaine and heroin. Whether you have a history of addiction or not, be cautious about using potentially addictive drugs for more than a short period of time. If they are medically necessary, consult an expert on addiction. Addictive drugs are treacherous. Preventing addiction is far superior to curing it.

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February 22

Impatience Can Be Dangerous

Don't dismiss the slogan Time takes time. We have become accustomed to expecting things to happen fast, and the faster the better. The greatest threat to sobriety is impatience. We are vulnerable to frustration when things don't happen when we want them to. During active addiction, we can measure tolerance of delay with a stopwatch; the fact that chemicals have such rapid action characterizes addiction. It is a challenge to learn to delay in a culture that thrives on high speed. We must be reminded that time takes time, and beware that everyone else's preoccupation with instant results should not affect our own lives.

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February 23

Women In Recovery

While addiction is a disease that does not discriminate, it is different in men and women. There are physical differences in chemical action, and great differences in psychological effects. Women suffer a double standard. People may not consider a male alcoholic to be a failure as a father, but a woman alcoholic is automatically considered a failure as a mother. Such attitudes result in greater denial of addiction among women, greater cover up by the family, and cause lower self-esteem. Women must receive the same consideration as men; furthermore, their unique emotional problems require special attention.

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February 24

New Pressures on Women

There are special emotional issues faced by addicted women. Greater numbers of women entering business and the professions may feel awkward and under great stress, especially if they are required to be assertive or aggressive. They may have required, or held themselves to, more exacting standards of performance. To deal with these stresses, or to avoid showing signs of stress, some women have sought the tranquilizing effects of chemicals. The recovering woman should be aware of these societal stresses, and find constructive ways of managing them.

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February 25

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Although adult women understand they were helpless when they were abused in childhood, this does not eradicate feelings of shame they may bear, because emotions are not always subject to logic. The low self-esteem consequent to such trauma may be a major component of later negative feelings that can complicate and fuel addiction. These issues may be so sensitive they cannot be shared at meetings, but they should be alleviated in counseling. They can also be dealt with in the privacy of the relationship to God, as we understand Him, in the firm knowledge that He understands us.

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February 26

Spirituality, Humanity, and Freedom

Animals cannot make a conscious decision to abstain from anything. Humans have the capacity to be masters of their urges -- and this capacity is the human spirit. Exercising that capacity is spirituality. Nowhere is people's enslavement as absolute as in addiction. To the degree that we lose freedom, we lose our humanity. But recovery restores freedom. We can choose whether or not to drink or use chemicals, and to exercise the power of the spirit to master our urges. When we become free, we also become more spiritual and more fully human.

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February 27

The Insanity of Modern Society

Our single greatest enemy may be impatience. People recovering from chemical dependencies are highly vulnerable to the insanity of modern civilization, and therefore must be constantly vigilant. Would people drink alcohol if its effect didn't take place for one or two days? Addiction is the desire for instant gratification, and chemicals satisfy this need. We have to be especially careful, because the high-tech emphasis on instantaneous results makes people less patient nowadays. For those in recovery, impatience increases the risk of relapse.

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February 28

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

Guilt can be healthy or unhealthy. In the Serenity Prayer, we ask for the wisdom to know the difference. Guilt feelings from actually having done harm are healthy, requiring appropriate corrective action rather than treatment. Just as making amends for something we did can be very effective, making amends for something we did not do is not effective. The source of unwarranted guilt should be investigated, and we should seek appropriate treatment to overcome it. Treatment and atonement each have their proper place, but it is important to know the difference.