LittleWing7
02-28-2014, 11:03 PM
Hi first I must thank anyone who reads this and prays for me, THANKYOU so much! I believe that prayer works. I am on pain medication. It has taken a very long time to get insurance, and get diagnosed. Finally I have a surgery date and can look forward to getting off this stuff. Being on the medication this long is dangerous for anyone in recovery. It has recently initiated the phenomenon of craving in me . I don't remember ever feeling this in my active days of alchoholism or in recovery. I have only felt this in quitting smoking. This awful feeling of craving is helping me from the standpoint of being VERY READY TO GET THE SURGERY DONE AND GET OFF THIS POISON! I am wondering if the cravings aren't my Higher Power's way of answering my own prayer for myself for help. The way I feel I never want to feel again. It's a month until surgery which means six more weeks until I can wean off. That means cravings for at least three more months, if not for life. With Alchohol I was blessed with delivery from any cravings ever. I was in late stage alchoholism and had lost everything except, thankfully, my car. Before my gift if desperation , which gave me the desire to never drink again and the desperation to ask for help, I went through hallucinations, loss of bowel control, inabity to sleep etc when we would run out of money and had to go without alchohol for a day. I had drank non stop for 5 1/2 years. I had been prescribed benzos and was on the highest daily dose of Ativan -10 mg- for some odd reason I never doubled doses on Ativan but still, that's a large daily dose. The horrible outcome came . I was in a blackout and something evil, unthinkably a living nightmare, happened. I was arrested in my blackout and jailed and put on suicide watch. For anyone who hasn't been through this that means 2-3 days naked under a heavy green weighted apron on the floor in jail with a mat no blanket or pillow lights on 24-7 guard watching through glass walls. I started my period and was given an adult diaper to wear. When I finally cleared up enough I wasn't into withdrawals yet, and was taken to the lockdown floor, standing and waiting for cell assignment I began shaking violently, withdrawals started. I went to my cell and when lights out hit my withdrawals got violent. Having high blood pressure and knowledge of the medical risks of abrupt withdrawal from very heavy alchohol use and that dose of benzo I became scared to death. I quite possibly could have died. My blood vessels were throbbing loud in my ears in the blackness of that cell. I was more scared for my soul, what I had done what I read about on the arrest papers that were given me - I to this day do not remember doing. But it was so bad that my very soul was in danger. I fully believed that if I died that night I would simly cease to exist, no heaven, no afterlife. For the first time in my life I wanted to live, to survive to tell this very story in the hopes of maybe preventing another person from having to go through it. I became nauseated and threw up all night. My two cell mates were about three feet, if that, away from me, trying to sleep. They were angry. I prayed for my life and for the ability to survive and tell others like me my story, I prayed all night- unable to sleep jerking and throwing up. In the morning when I had to try to stand up and go to breakfast I had a gran mal seizure. I think the violence of this withdrawal eased the cravings I otherwise would have experienced in the coming months, that and the Grace and Mercy of my Higher Power. Many miracles ensued because I had prayed for recovery, a word that I had never used before but popped in my mind like a gift from heaven. Miraculously I am a free person today, due to the grace and mercy of God, and the help of many many people who cared. PTSD therapy eventually came and I am still in therapy. AA, the Big Book, God saved my life!
Now writing this just helped me tremendously, like another miracle.
I started out asking for your prayers for me during my oncoming days of cravings, and somehow my story, or part of it came out. Guess that's HOW IT WORKS! Well thanks for listening to me, and yes please pray for me. THANKYOU again, in advance for your prayers. Sincerely, LittleWing7
Now writing this just helped me tremendously, like another miracle.
I started out asking for your prayers for me during my oncoming days of cravings, and somehow my story, or part of it came out. Guess that's HOW IT WORKS! Well thanks for listening to me, and yes please pray for me. THANKYOU again, in advance for your prayers. Sincerely, LittleWing7