Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - April

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April 1

Avoiding Setbacks

The recovery program always serves a purpose. There is growth in sobriety, and working the Steps in the program provides such growth. There is also a fairly constant force that threatens to pull us down. Sometimes we reach a point where we remain stationary. At such times, danger of slipping increases, because we temporarily do not sense upward momentum. People become lax in working the recovery program when they feel they are not getting much out of it. But they are making a serious mistake. When we think we are not adding much to our development, the program serves the vital function of preventing a rollback.

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April 2

Guidance is Essential

A woman being discharged from treatment was frightened about going home. That was a positive sign, because it is when we are overconfident that we get into trouble. I have a daughter who is 17, and it's frightening that I have to function as her mother, although I am about at her emotional age. With proper help, such as working the Steps and competent counseling, the gap can be closed more quickly. Early in sobriety we operate at a level of maturity behind our chronological age. This is why it is vitally important we take guidance from people who are emotionally more mature.

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April 3

All Drugs Can Be Destructive

Bob was brought to our psychiatric unit in a catatonic state, mute and immobile. The following day two people from NA came to my office and said, Don't give him the medication for schizophrenics. Keep him here where he'll be safe. He'll get better, and we'll take him to a meeting every day. I don't know why I let myself be talked into this, but I did not give Bob medications. Bob not only improved, but has been normal for ten years. Sometimes it is wise to allow the brain to regain normal function after the devastating effect of the chemicals to which it had been subjected.

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April 4

The Importance of Your Sponsor

Our minds can play tricks. We need someone who can help us see things the way they really are. A sponsor is an ideal person to do this. Sponsors usually do not have the biases or personal involvement that distort our thinking, and can be more objective. Sometimes people have difficulties because their sponsors say things they do not want to hear. That is the best indication you have the right person as sponsor. Hearing nice things about yourself does nothing to make you get better. If you feel upset and angry because your sponsor has chastised you, call him or her and say thank you.

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April 5

We Are Responsible for Our Recovery

For the addict, something happens within the body that results in the specific symptoms of each disease. While we don't know all the causes, we do know there are genetic and biochemical factors over which people have no control. Just as we do not think of the diabetic as responsible for her disease, neither should we hold the addict responsible for the abnormality that results in reaction to these chemicals. However, just as diabetics must be responsible for taking their insulin or any other treatment, so addicts must be responsible for their treatment, including abstinence.

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April 6

There Are Things We Cannot Understand

Suffering should not be interpreted as having been abandoned by God. A child who had undergone open-heart surgery was given a painful procedure and screamed. The father knew the procedure was necessary for his child's health, and he suffered along with the child. Like a child, we may not be able to understand how the adversities we experience could be to our ultimate benefit. While we cannot change many things, and must turn to a Higher Power, we should have the security that comes with knowing that the Higher Power does not abandon us. When we suffer, He suffers with us.

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April 7

Learning From Adversity

John had been sober for 32 years, and had outlived all his sponsors. He admitted he felt himself close to relapse. John was surprised to hear that what was happening to him was beneficial. He dealt with his crisis by increasing the frequency of meetings and doing things a newcomer is advised to do. He later confided that his sobriety had taken on a new quality after this episode. When difficult days occur to people who have had years of abstinence, there is no reason to panic. These may be episodes of rejuvenation, which stimulate growth in sobriety and increase one's effectiveness in helping others.

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April 8

A Eulogy

A person recovering from cocaine wrote: You deceived me. You promised to make the world pleasant for me and I believed you. You did not tell me your help would be brief, and afterward I would feel worse than ever. You told me you would give me more than my family ever could. You took everything: the love of my family, my home, my job, my friends, my dignity. Yet, at this moment when I bury you, you threaten to come out from the grave and haunt me. You are a liar. I hate you, cocaine. I once loved you more than anything in the world, but now I hate you.

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April 9

Answered Prayers

Sometimes we wonder if our prayers are being heard. We regularly pray, God grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change that which I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'' Perhaps God is giving it to us, but we fail to take it. After all, He is only going to grant these to us. He does not force us to use them. As we pray the Serenity Prayer, let us also think, think, think. Do we use the serenity, courage and wisdom that God makes available to us?

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April 10

Powerlessness

My car once slid on an icy hill. Only by the grace of God did I slip through a busy intersection unharmed. Though my life was in danger, I stayed in the car trying to control the uncontrollable. Addicts are not the only people who cling to the illusion of control. But when addicts recover, they have an advantage because they now recognize their powerlessness. Though other people may have the same problem, they have not been in recovery, and do not realize that they are trying to control the uncontrollable. This is what is meant by practicing the principles of the Twelve Steps in all our affairs.

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April 11

How Codependency Develops

Suppose, as a child, I received positive strokes only when I did something for someone else. Later, when I met you, I discovered you are afraid to drive. I can drive you and this satisfies my need to feel needed. I then get enough positive strokes at work so I no longer have a need to feel needed at home. I fail to realize for years I have been encouraging your dependence on me. The relationship deteriorates when one member undergoes a change and there is no commensurate change in the other. Your self-esteem should not be totally dependent on another's opinion.

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April 12

There Are No Substitutes for the Program

We have learned so much about the addictive personality, and the emotional repairs that need to be made, that we may lose sight of the two basics: don't pick up the chemical and do go to meetings. People who resist going to the anonymous fellowship for whatever reason may circumvent the program via individual therapy. Even if the therapy is with a competent addiction counselor, it is not likely to succeed. Counseling and therapy are indeed valuable adjuncts to a recovery program, but therapy without the program is like a necktie on a nude body.

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April 13

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

The Serenity Prayer should not be modified. Some say, God, grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change that which I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. But they think, Please make some more things changeable. There are some things we must learn to accept as finalities. The spouse may wish the addict to change, but while recovery is certainly possible, the addict must initiate change. We cannot change anyone else. We are happier if we can direct our limited energies to those things that can be changed.

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April 14

The Big Picture

Being overly sensitive can cause unnecessary distress. I had delivered a lecture, after which attendees were required to evaluate the speakers. Of 110 who attended, all evaluations were complimentary except one. This was shattering to me. Never mind that 109 had given me rave reviews. I should have concluded that 109 to 1 is overwhelming. But my sensitivities were such that I was offended. We should focus on how okay we really are. In the event of a negative comment, give it due attention. If it has validity, we can improve ourselves and become even better. If it has no validity, we should not let it affect us.

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April 15

Abstinence Is an Affirmative Act

We can make a positive commitment to care for our body. We can vow not to allow harmful things to happen to it, much the same as a mother is committed to protecting her infant. Our statement is not I am against chemicals. It is I am for my body. Like an infant, our body is entrusted into our care and is quite helpless. We can put nutritious substances into it and keep it strong; or give it dangerous chemicals, which will ruin it. Just as mothers take great pride in keeping their infants healthy, we can take pride in keeping our body healthy.

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April 16

Insult and Injury

Blame has no place in recovery. If we recognize addiction as a disease, we turn our attention to recovery and avoid blaming ourselves or others. It is equally important that codependents stop blaming themselves or others for their dependency, and realize that being codependent is not being bad. The addict plays the tune and the codependent dances to it. Recovery from codependency means giving direction to your own life instead of constantly reacting to someone else's behavior. Learning more about codependency can free you from its restrictions and discomforts.

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April 17

Worthless Substitutes

Beware of worthless substitutes. When my watchband broke, I was conscious something was missing. I slipped a rubber band onto my wrist, which took away the missing feeling. When I wanted to know the time, I looked at a rubber band, which could not help me. The worthless substitute will offer a false sense of security, and nothing else. If we take a chemical that does nothing to solve our problems, and only distracts our attention from them, then we lose the one thing that can save us: the awareness problems exist. Chemicals do not solve problems, any more than a rubber band can tell time.

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April 18

Fellowship or Selfishness?

There is a constructive type of selfishness. When people indulge in self-help, they get nowhere. But by becoming part of a group that tries to help itself, people become better. Some say the Twelve Step programs are selfish. Perhaps so, but it is not a selfishness of the individual. It is a selfishness of the group-the entire fellowship because the entire fellowship becomes the self. How wonderful it would be if all humanity were selfish in this way: to stop thinking of ourselves as individuals, and think of all people as one great big self. What a wonderful world such a selfishness would produce!

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April 19

Spiritual Awakening

We will not win the war against drugs until we overcome the demand. People who do not feel good want to feel good. And as long as feeling good is the driving force in people's lives, people will take chemicals to get that feeling. There is an alternate goal, which we refer to as a spiritual awakening when we come to an awareness there is more to life than providing our body with physical contentment. Finding a goal in life other than simply feeling good does not require being devoutly religious. With the alternate goal of spirituality, people are much less likely to resort to chemicals.

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April 20

Sleep Without Chemicals

Healthy sleep does come eventually. Some in early recovery are unable to sleep. This problem can exist for some duration, particularly if you had been using tranquilizers. Avoid caffeine. Reduce sugar intake. Exercise regularly earlier in the day. Begin by relaxing your toes and work your way up to your ears. Don't give up. Expecting instant results is part of addiction, not of recovery. Put your clock where you can't see it. Keep the Big Book at your bedside; at least you can use your time constructively. Time takes time. After bludgeoning the brain with chemicals for years, give it time to recover.

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April 21

You Are Needed

You need the program, and it needs you. Traveling in an airplane one time, I noticed all was quiet and everyone was minding his or her own business. Suddenly there was severe turbulence, and people began talking to one another. Isolation that had prevailed in tranquility was replaced by group activity in time of peril. When people share strength, hope, and courage, their recovery becomes easier. The more people there are, the greater is the group support. If you can make recovery just a bit easier for someone, why not do it? We all need meetings; if you think that you do not, you should nevertheless be there for others.

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April 22

The Power of Prayer

Prayer must be directed inward as well as outward. We ask God to hear, but we must also hear. We must listen to our own prayers. There is also an advantage in praying together. In active addiction, a person seeks the tranquility of chemical anesthesia. Some people think sobriety should provide tranquility without chemicals. But serenity is not tranquility. Indeed, there is nothing tranquil in accepting the things that are unchangeable. It is said that ignorance is bliss. If so, then wisdom cannot be bliss. If we pray for wisdom, we must be ready to cope with its side effects.

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April 23

The Healing Power of Laughter

Laughter is good for both body and soul. Obviously there are things in life that cannot be dismissed with laughter. But there are some problems that can be minimized by making them appear ridiculous. Thoughts of failure may escalate your anxiety to an intensity of panic. If you see such anxiety developing, defuse the situation by exaggerating it to the point of absurdity. Think: If I fail the exam, they will announce it on national TV at prime time. They will talk of nothing else but my flunking. When you laugh at such things, you diminish their impact. AA discovered this a long time ago.

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April 24

End the Stigma of Addiction

Some avoid recovery programs because they could not ever say, I am an addict. There is still a widespread misconception of addiction as a moral degeneracy. Instead, introduce yourself by saying, I am a beautiful person with the disease of addiction. Realizing you are a beautiful person and that you have a disease is important in recovery and eliminates feelings of inadequacy that make people unable to cope, leading to escape into chemicals. Knowing that you have a disease eliminates the futile attempt to control your addiction through willpower. Diseases can affect everyone, even beautiful people.

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April 25

Denial

There is nothing more frustrating. A compulsive gambler lost a good job because he passed bad checks, his fiancée broke their engagement, he's over $100,000 in debt and driving his parents into bankruptcy, and is so desperate he is contemplating suicide. When I told him he must begin recovery by going to a rehab center, he remarked, Do you really think my problem is that serious? We may never see through our own denials, even in abstinence. Our only salvation is to be as honest as we can with people in a position to help. When they point out something we do not see, give it serious consideration.

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April 26

God's Role in Recovery

One AA tradition reads: For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority --- a loving God. AA and NA are worldwide with several million members. There is no authoritative management body, yet in every country there are multiple, regular meetings that begin and end on time. Total money collected each week would equal revenues of major corporations. Yet no company operates as efficiently as AA or NA. There is one supreme authority in charge of the fellowship, and He runs the program efficiently. Obviously, He must be present at the meetings. You can find Him there if only you look for Him.

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April 27

The Rewards of Discipline

An alumnus wrote: I'm still sober and I have you to thank. Sailing up the coast, it got harder to find a meeting. Everyone was drinking. I went through days of living hour to hour until I came across the journal I had kept while in treatment. As I reread all my craziness and pain from sobering up, it broke through denial and took focus off the dysfunction around me and back on my own spirituality. I did not like writing the journal at the time. Now I am deeply grateful I followed your suggestions. It is wise to do what people who are the experts tell us to do.

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April 28

Preventing Relapse

Relapse is unfortunate, but may be preventable. A woman who is 16 years sober and has not attended a meeting in a long time thinks she can be a social drinker again. I'm older and more mature. There isn't any reason I can't take a drink. Obviously she is forgetting how often she used to get stoned on beer. As long as we continue active participation in the program, we are shielded against a return of the insanity of addiction. Working with newcomers is especially helpful in recognizing the treacherous nature of addictive thinking. Drifting away from the program can lead us back to the hell we swore we would never revisit.

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April 29

Becoming Truly Human

Some people believe fun in life is contingent on gratifying at least a few character defects, and that life devoid of all defects is tantamount to being a monk. This is not true. Self-mastery for the recovering addict includes abstinence from chemicals. It also includes self-restraint in gratifying the biological drives every human has. God created us as physical beings with physical drives that should be gratified. But while we are not meant to be angels, neither are we meant to be animals. We are meant to be human beings, and that is spirituality.

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April 30

What Next?

Marriages that survive the stress of active addiction can fall apart when the addict recovers. The spouse who had become adept at dealing with drunkenness now has no idea how to deal with sobriety. Now that the enemy is vanquished, What on earth do we do now? The answer is to get their own act together. We are not at a loss for problems of our own. What would happen if we got our act together instead of trying to fix the rest of the world? Exactly what happens when the nonaddicted spouse makes the necessary changes in his or her own functioning? The addict begins to recover.