Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - June

[bluidkiti]

June 1

Your Success Sets An Example

If we do not feel in need of an AA meeting, we should remember our presence is evidence there is life after sobriety. People have told me they hadn't tried to stop drinking or using chemicals because they were afraid they couldn't do it. They chose not to try rather than to try and fail. Each time a newcomer sees someone with long sobriety, it reinforces the fact it can be done. Most often any kind of contribution requires some action; just being somewhere does hardly any good. But this is not so when we go to a meeting. The very presence of another sober person conveys a helpful message.

[bluidkiti]

June 2

No Apologies

A quality recovery requires changed habits. A woman began crying as she related painful material, and then said, I'm so sorry for crying. I did not understand why she was apologizing, because it is reasonable to cry when one is in pain. Apologies are appropriate only if we have offended someone. There is no need to efface oneself by apologizing for everything. This is the result of a low self-esteem, which should be corrected. Many of our habitual behaviors are negative and should be changed. If we are not aware of them, our sponsors and trusted friends can point them out to us.

[bluidkiti]

June 3

Suffering Can Bring Us Together

It may be selfish of me, but if it had not been for mind-altering chemicals, how would I ever have come to know so many wonderful people? I am an avid reader, but no book has the warmth of a sincere hug. Twelve Step fellowships provide more character development than books and lectures. Coming to these experiences through chemical dependence is quite costly. Yet suffering can bring people together more than anything else. While we may wish we had never encountered the chemicals that have been so injurious, let's not forget that mutual suffering has brought us close to one another.

[bluidkiti]

June 4

Don't Set Yourself Up For a Fall

A man with two months' sobriety misinterpreted something his wife said as a rejection, got drunk and said his reaction surprised him. This demonstrates we often jump to conclusions. Rather than inquire what other's meant, we react to what we think they meant. Even if the wife had intended rejection, reacting with drink only intensifies the rejection. The overconfidence that nothing could make me drink again, is the undoing of many addicts. Even people with years of quality sobriety are at risk of relapse and need to be on guard. Learn these important points so you can avert costly mistakes.

[bluidkiti]

June 5

Don't Let Regrets Ruin Your Tomorrows

A person does something foolish, which has irreversible consequences; and he cannot forgive himself. In one of Charles Schulz's brilliant cartoon strips, Charlie Brown explains he cannot do anything about the future because he is still trying to make yesterday better. Engaging in a pity party, bemoaning the past, is a cop-out, whereby a person tries to avoid the challenges of the present and the future. Instead of condemning ourselves for what we have done, we must accept the reality of what cannot be undone and go on to live constructive lives.

[bluidkiti]

June 6

Dr. Bob

After delivering a lecture in Akron, Ohio, I visited Mt. Vernon, the home of Dr. Bob, founder of AA. I did have an emotional experience walking into Dr. Bob's home. Some cry. Dr. Bob's home is a simple place, with only a few of his belongings remaining. Perhaps the only impressive things here are clever hiding places where Dr. Bob concealed his bottles. This house where it all began is a home, a haven for all who were lost, tossed about in the deadly, stormy sea of addiction. Versailles is certainly more impressive, but you do not get a lump in your throat, as when you enter this very simple home.

[bluidkiti]

June 7

The Lessons of Sobriety

A concise statement of recovery is: Short-term gain with long-term risk is addictive behavior; short-term sacrifice with long-term gain is sobriety. Perhaps you are overcome by an urge to buy something you cannot afford, and are then burdened with long-term indebtedness. Or you binge on sweets and spend days trying to lose weight that took moments to acquire. If we could feed data into a computer and print out a message that said, Caution! This is a short-term gain and long-term loss, we might avoid much destructive behavior. In absence of such a device, we have recourse to sponsors, whom we should use wisely.

[bluidkiti]

June 8

Does Society Need Recovery?

We can learn much from the recovery program. Just as addicts rationalize chemical use, so our society rationalizes its destructive behavior. Industries that profit from destructive acts rationalized their actions as beneficial to humankind. We raze forests, strip-mine, and fill the sky with chemicals so people can have a better life. Intelligent people inhale smoke that causes cancer and emphysema, and the same government that condemns cigarettes as a leading cause of death gives bountiful subsidies to tobacco growers. Addiction sacrifices the future for short-term gain. Our society should learn the lessons of recovery.

[bluidkiti]

June 9

The Seduction of Power

The theme of power is addressed in the first of the Twelve Steps. A man recognized his desire for power and that alcohol could give him this feeling. Reality painfully proved to him how treacherous alcohol is that while it promises power it delivers the reverse, totally crushing him and exposing his powerlessness to the world. As I listened, I could not help but wonder how many listeners thought, That may be true for him, but I am different. How many young people will refuse to recognize their impotence until they are humbled by addiction? Whoever said that alcohol was cunning, baffling, and powerful certainly knew what he was talking about.

[bluidkiti]

June 10

Preventing Addiction

School programs on prevention might adopt some of the Twelve Step principles. When children learn about advances in science and technology, and are impressed with the power humans possess, it would be helpful to temper such teachings with awareness that humans are still virtually powerless. Educators should point out there remain some things beyond human control -- such as other human beings. At home and school, there would be emphasis on self-mastery, rather than trying to control everything and everyone else. This may well reduce the use of chemicals among young people.

[bluidkiti]

June 11

A Let Down or the Next Step?

A six-month alumnus of treatment complained that, although he was not drinking and things were better, he was experiencing a letdown. Habits must change and patterns of behavior that involve chemical use must be replaced with behavior conducive to abstinence. Only after the new life-style is stabilized can character building begin. This is as great a challenge as rebuilding a burned house. Flames must first be extinguished, charred material removed, and only then can we rebuild. The letdown this man was experiencing is similar to the challenge of building a new structure after the ruins of the old have been cleared.

[bluidkiti]

June 12

There is Nothing Wrong With Asking for Help

A recovering woman confided she had slept in an unheated apartment because furnace repair service was backlogged. When friends told her she would have been welcome in their home, she said, I didn't want to impose. I called this woman and expressed regret that I would no longer ask her to help newcomers. If she was unwilling to accept help, she had no right to give it. Perhaps asking for help is humbling, but in recovery we must learn humility. While we must avoid pathologic dependency, there are some healthy dependencies. When it comes to legitimate help, we can be both giver and recipient.

[bluidkiti]

June 13

Recovery is a Dynamic Process

Every bit of spiritual growth enhances recovery. The Tenth Step requires an ongoing personal inventory, which should continue indefinitely. We are at all times vulnerable to a recurrence of character defects we have eliminated, or even to emergence of new ones. The more attention we give to spirituality and character, the more likely we are to identify defects and eliminate them. Recovery is not static, and sobriety is not steady. Both are growth processes. While we do not claim spiritual perfection, we do aspire to spiritual progress, and reminders of spiritual concepts are always relevant."

[bluidkiti]

June 14

Are Our Characters Unchanging?

What are character defects and what are character traits? Strangely enough, these may be one and the same. I may think of myself as a person with firm convictions, but I might consider the same trait in someone else as obstinacy. If I refuse to forgive an injustice done to me, I am bearing a grudge. However, when I refuse to condone unjust treatment of others, I am championing the underdog. Recovery requires elimination of character defects, and the only way to correctly identify a defect is to get an objective opinion from a competent person. A sponsor, counselor, or spiritual advisor can help.

[bluidkiti]

June 15

Prayer and Humility

Prayer means different things to different people. A person with six years of sobriety, who was anti-religious, related he prayed even though he did not pray to anyone, he was so desperate to get over his alcoholism. Getting down on my knees was not an admission there was a God, but a way of admitting I was not God. My alcoholic behavior was fueled by my grandiosity that I could control everything. I still am an atheist, but one thing I know for certain is I am not God. I need help to survive and I will accept help. That is something I could never do before.

[bluidkiti]

June 16

Some Lessons Must Be Overcome

There is a folk saying, Someone who burns his tongue on hot soup will blow on cold soup. Although understandable, this response is inappropriate, because we react to a non-threat as though it were a threat. Some may relate they are afraid of trying a new relationship because of the pain of a previous rejection. While they crave companionship, they are afraid of it. When such reactions occur, it is important to recognize them and overcome them. The situation may contribute to chemical addiction, but even in the absence of chemical use, the result may be withdrawal, loneliness, or depression.

[bluidkiti]

June 17

What We Gain From Addiction

A philosopher who recovered from chemical addiction explained mistakes of addiction enhance the quest for spirituality: Our resentments can teach us where to be forgiving; our self-centeredness can teach us where to be loving; fear can teach us when to trust. The barrier of our self-will will teach us what to give up; consequences of our self-will will teach us why to give up; self-contradiction of our self-will will teach us how to give up. Following the recovery program constitutes growth. We are learning something new, and novelty can be exciting. Pursuing the goals of recovery makes recovery a fascinating process.

[bluidkiti]

June 18

Our Image Obsession

Our culture is obsessed with external appearances. People who feel they are not attractive think they cannot compete for affection, and are apt to think that appearance is all they have to offer. Either way, they lose. We need to think of our importance as a human being. It is not what we look like, but who and what we are. These are the issues that belong to the realm of spirituality. Recovery from addiction requires attention to spiritual growth. Spirituality refers to the full development of our human capacities. These capacities include almost everything other than external appearance.

[bluidkiti]

June 19

Keeping Life in Perspective

Not all unpleasantness can be dismissed. Someone offered a guide: Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff. However, it's not small when you are fired, your child gets hurt, you lose someone you love, or you discover your child is on drugs. Even real small stuff, like a cinder in the eye, cannot be dismissed lightly. A better guide is, You may not be able to stop the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you don't have to let them nest in your hair. Whether it is big or small stuff, we must realize we have the capacity to cope and adjust.

[bluidkiti]

June 20

We Can Always Use a Lift

Whatever message we hear about recovery or spirituality is going to meet our needs that day. A man tried to be a controlled drinker, and told his wife, Give me a drink only when I need it. She asked, How am I to know when you need it? When you give it to me, I need it. What is true of chemicals for the addict is true of recovery material for the recovering person. There is always a need for a message to enhances self-esteem, shed resentments, or increase spirituality. With the program, much more comes along. Therefore, any thought about recovery can have a great effect.

[bluidkiti]

June 21

Is Addiction Insanity?

Why do AA and NA refer to addiction as insanity? After chemical use, we often behave destructively; and the aftermath is misery, both physical and emotional. We say, Never again, yet the pattern recurs. Is this anything other than insane? If we know we are prone to episodes of insanity, we will make a maximum effort to prevent such episodes. Some physical diseases can be prevented by immunization or medication. Relapse of addiction is prevented by remaining involved in the recovery program. Delaying program participation until you have relapsed is foolish.

[bluidkiti]

June 22

Character Growth and Sobriety

It is possible scientists may develop medications to eliminate craving for chemicals and prevent intoxication. If research is successful, we may have fewer instances of drunk driving and disorderly conduct. But we may well have many more dry drunks, or people who think they are perfectly healthy. The character defects of addiction can exist in abstinence of chemical use. Thus, the recovery program is necessary to enable us to make a better adjustment to life. Even with abstinence, we should continue the recovery program to ensure our character development and spiritual growth.

[bluidkiti]

June 23

You Can't Control the Future

Someone said: God's real providence has endowed us human beings with a considerable capability for foresight, and He evidently expects us to use it. He possibly never heard of one day at a time. This is a quote from Bill Wilson, who had a better grasp of the program than most people do. Failure to plan for the future is irresponsible, but there is a difference between planning for the future and trying to control the future. In active addiction we ignore the future. In sobriety, we do whatever we can to the best of our ability, and then turn things over to a Higher Power.

[bluidkiti]

June 24

No One Owes Us Anything

Feeling sorry for ourselves may be justified. The point is we should not get stuck in a pity party because it can drag us down. We may think, The world must compensate me for my suffering. We may then wait for good luck to come knocking, and be angry at the world for not delivering what we think we deserve. No one owes you anything. Fortunately, people pitch in during times of misfortune, but they don't owe it to you. If they don't fulfill your expectations, you have no right to be resentful. Feeling hurt is understandable, but we must move on in life.

[bluidkiti]

June 25

Futile Gestures

Recovery teaches us to avoid futile reactions. During a driving lesson, the car in front abruptly stopped, and I screamed. The instructor said, Apply the brakes. As a learning driver, I had not yet adopted the correct response of braking. This is similar to taking a chemical in response to stress. It is not only futile but, if we allow it to substitute for the correct reaction, will bring negative consequences. Recovering people learn to avoid useless reflex responses, and to do what it takes to get the job done. As we dispense with futile attempts to solve problems by chemicals, we also discard other ineffective responses.

[bluidkiti]

June 26

The Power of Empathy

Good manners can make liars out of us. We ask, How are you? upon meeting someone, but do not wish to hear the answer. However, a person in recovery who asks makes time for me, when I need it most. Where else is such instant service available, and with such sincere interest? People who wish to relieve themselves of an emotional burden often will pay a professional to listen. In the recovery program we get this service free. Well, not completely free, because we have to return the favor. How wonderful to have a psychological barter system.

[bluidkiti]

June 27

Make a Gift to God

Helping others is important to maintaining sobriety. A speaker told of the miracle of his recovery. Some of his friends had died in addiction. He said, My sobriety is God's gift to me, and when I work with newcomers, that is my gift to God. What need could He possibly have of any gift from us? Why can't we think of God as being pleased with what we do for Him and enjoying the gifts of His children? The importance of giving something to God is the effect it has upon us -- an expression of gratitude and an indication of how much we value our sobriety.

[bluidkiti]

June 28

You Cannot Force a First Step

Today's young people may not have experienced consequences of more advanced addiction, and the idea of surrender is alien. They are likely to insist they can still drink or use chemicals recreationally. If we try to force a First Step we are likely to get resistance. Realization that half measures avail nothing can come only from experience. Be just a bit more patient and allow the individual to come to his or her own realization about unmanageability. This is more likely to keep the young person coming back to meetings. In this way, denial is likely to erode and acceptance likely to occur.

[bluidkiti]

June 29

Can You Become a New Person?

Twenty years ago, a speaker said, The man I was drank; the man I was will drink again. Abstinence without a change in character leads to use of chemicals again. Some express anxiety that sobriety will result in a new personality. How will they adjust? How will their spouse adjust? Observing successful recoveries can provide reassurance. The transformation of a chemically dependent person into a sober person is miraculous. I had the pleasure of attending the 40th anniversary of sobriety for the speaker mentioned above. He indeed has undergone a miraculous transformation.

[bluidkiti]

June 30

Real Change Requires Real Change

One woman, ten days abstinent, stated she dreaded relapse. She was under pressure to drink because there is drinking at her job and at social functions, which she did not want to give up. She did not have her priorities in order. If you do not eliminate factors people, places, and things -- conducive to drinking, risk of relapse is great. We make sacrifices when we realize that life is at stake. If you are reluctant to make changes to avoid a relapse, it is only because you have not realized how lethal addiction is. We must learn to put first things first.