Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - July

[bluidkiti]

July 1

Doing the Right Thing

A minister who had participated in an unsuccessful intervention was upset because the irate subject left the parish for another church. It is a mistake to consider refusal of treatment as a failure. An intervention weakens the person's denial and hastens the point at which he or she will eventually accept help. Parents who refuse children's requests for sweets before a meal will be temporarily disliked. When children mature, they understand parents acted on their behalf. Addicts initially resentful of intervention are later grateful people were sufficiently concerned to try to help stop their self-destruction.

[bluidkiti]

July 2

The Journey of Life

Prayer of the Traveler says: May it be Thy will to lead me in my journey . . . Guide me from enemies and ambush. If we think of life as a journey with a goal, our lives will be more orderly. If we didn't achieve our goal, why not? In travels, enemies lie in ambush. Among these are chemicals that can rob us of everything. If we had to travel through enemy-infested territory, we would arm ourselves. That is what we must do against chemical enemies, which are so cunning, baffling, powerful. One way to protect ourselves is to stay close to other people in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

July 3

Recovering, Not Recovered

We can learn from nature. In 1991, a volcano in the Philippines erupted with violence after having been inactive for 600 years. The U.S. felt secure the volcano was extinct, and had invested billions in military bases nearby. Just as there is no security with a volcano even after many years of silence, neither is there certainty about sobriety, even after many years of abstinence. An eruption can occur with violence, after years of being dormant. This is why people in recovery speak of themselves as recovering rather than recovered. Relapse is always a possibility, and they must do everything to prevent such an eruption.

[bluidkiti]

July 4

Break the Chains of Tyranny

Freedom is our greatest treasure. Nowhere is tyranny as absolute as that of chemical dependency. When we lose our freedom to alcohol or drugs, we actually become something less than fully human. Sobriety, therefore, means not only abstaining from chemicals but also being freely human. It is, of course, possible for people who are not dependent on chemicals to be slaves to their passion or their ego. People who are subordinate to these forces cannot be considered sober even if they abstain from chemicals. Each day of sobriety is cause for gratitude and joy, because each day is an Independence Day."

[bluidkiti]

July 5

Freedom to Choose

Choice is a right we should never relinquish. When psychiatrist Victor Frankl was in the concentration camp facing death, he maintained one choice: how to face the end of life. This ability to choose gave him a dignity no one could take. In addiction we lose all ability to choose because we are under the tyranny of the chemical. When we admit our powerlessness and turn our life over to the will of God, we regain the freedom to choose, because the will of God is for a human being to be free to choose. As proud humans we should cherish our freedom to choose and guard it zealously.

[bluidkiti]

July 6

Insatiable Drives

If what we have is not enough, more will not be enough, either. Indeed, recovering addicts may have an advantage over nonaddicts, in that the latter may never be forced to examine their values. The addict learns from the use of chemicals that there is never enough. The perspective gained in quality sobriety applies to food, money, sex, acclaim, and every other human drive as well. It is said that when multibillionaire J. Paul Getty was asked, How much money is enough? he answered, Just a little bit more. Insatiable drives are destructive, regardless of what the objective is.

[bluidkiti]

July 7

Keep an Open Mind

We do not have to agree with everyone, but it is important to listen to what others have to say. Listening lets other ideas enter our minds, where we can weigh them in the light of our knowledge and experience. Then we can accept all or part, or reject them completely. We must momentarily vacate our own idea in order to make room for a different idea. As long as we know for certain I am not an addict, the possibility that we have a chemical problem cannot even be considered. Recovery begins with an open mind.

[bluidkiti]

July 8

Let GO and Let God

After we have done all we can do about something, we leave the rest up to God. But at times there are other reasons to let go. For example, if we try hard to fall asleep, we will remain awake until we stop trying. Similarly, trying to make someone love us is certain to turn the person away because we cannot control someone else's emotions. However, this is what the active addict tries to do -- and does not realize the attempt to control everything defeats that purpose. When we recover and let go, things begin to happen because now we are no longer being obstructive.

[bluidkiti]

July 9

Be Yourself and Be Happy

A young man told of his inability to develop a romantic relationship. This man had a negative opinion of himself. On dates he would conceal his real self while trying to impress his companion. When his friend asked him to take his girlfriend out occasionally while he was away, he had no intention of attracting her so he did not act artificially. His real self was manifested, and the young woman fell in love with him. Sometimes we try too hard, especially if we have feelings of inadequacy. But if we feel good about ourselves, we can relax and good things can happen.

[bluidkiti]

July 10

Dependence on Other's Praise

If we are aware of our strengths and talents, wanting to be praised is not a character defect. If, however, we need other's compliments to let us know we are okay, we have a problem. In the first instance, we are aware of our reality, and desire others to appreciate us. In the second instance, we expect others to define us because we have no self-image. Total dependence on others for our self-image is psychologically unhealthy. Doing the Fourth and Fifth Steps can help achieve self-awareness, and the remainder of the Twelve Steps can help develop a personality others can easily appreciate.

[bluidkiti]

July 11

Anger at God

We are greater believers than we think. Some have rejected the Twelve Step recovery program on the grounds that it requires a belief in God, and they are atheists. A person who felt he was suffering unjustly said he did not believe in God, and it was therefore unfair for God to punish someone who doesn't believe in Him. Is it possible to be angry at something that does not exist? This contradictory statement is evidence of the confused thinking of an active addict. God can accept our anger. We should not deceive ourselves that our anger puts Him out of existence.

[bluidkiti]

July 12

Attitude and Acceptance

What must we accept, and what is subject to change? A theologian asked an elderly porter how he was faring, and the latter replied, Terrible! At my age I must carry heavy burdens to earn enough to survive. A few days later the man replied, Why complain? If at my age I still have the strength to carry heavy loads, I should be grateful. One day we may complain about our earnings and the next day be grateful we have a job. Even if certain facts do not change, we can always change our attitudes.

[bluidkiti]

July 13

Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness

We must appreciate our self-worth. A young addict whose arms bore scars of heroin injections was wearing a gold locket, which she had refused to sell for drugs because it had been her mother's. I made motions as though I were about to scratch it. Don't, the woman screamed. That's precious to me! I pointed since she had a natural resistance to ruining something beautiful or valuable, the only reason she had defaced herself was because she had not thought of herself as beautiful or valuable. True self-awareness will eliminate the distorted negative self-concept that leads people to be self-destructive.

[bluidkiti]

July 14

The Rewards of Sobriety

can be mature or juvenile. Children have to be bribed to do things that are for their own good, because they lack the capacity to understand. Adults should know better. The reward for living a healthy life is contained within itself: good health. The reward for living a spiritual life is the dignity of knowing we have elevated ourselves. The reward for being sober is sobriety. Avoiding chemicals and coping with reality may not be pleasant, and the child within us may want some reward for tolerating this discomfort. But the adult should be satisfied with the true reward for being sober: sobriety.

[bluidkiti]

July 15

Sponsors Bring a Healthy Perspective

Coping with reality depends on how it is perceived. The reason artists can draw so well is not that they have superior hands, but rather that they have superior perception. We can all draw what we see. Artists just see things more accurately. Likewise, how we adapt to and cope with reality is not a function of our skill but of how we perceive reality. The more accurately we perceive it, the greater our success in dealing with it. It is obvious why frequent contact with sponsors and veterans in recovery enhances our sobriety and functioning. They help us correct our misperceptions of reality.

[bluidkiti]

July 16

A Guide For Life

The recovery program can have wide application. A friend was a severe asthmatic and it had made life unmanageable. His rabbi, interested in the spirituality of the Twelve Steps, suggested he go to AA. I decided to turn my life over to a Higher Power just like an alcoholic. I have now been off the respirator, and down to four pills a day. My doctor cannot understand but says, keep on doing it. It's working. This reinforces that the Twelve Steps are an excellent guide to living for everyone, and not just the addict. And the reason to work the program is as the doctor said, It works! ,

[bluidkiti]

July 17

Don't Cheat Yourself

Half measures avail us nothing. Some relapsers contend they continued to attend meetings until their relapse, but admit that they failed to maintain contact with their sponsors. Sponsors tell us what we need to hear instead of what we like to hear. They alert us when we are deviating from the program. Addiction is very cunning. It can lead us to believe we are safe just because we are attending meetings. Meetings are vital, but we should not deceive ourselves by thinking we are working a quality program if we are not relating regularly to our sponsors.

[bluidkiti]

July 18

It Doesn't Matter Where You Are

We must always put principles above personalities. A person with six years of sobriety moved, contacted AA, and established a relationship with a new sponsor. Nevertheless, he relapsed. The principles of AA and NA are the same everywhere, and the Steps are no different in Oregon than in Virginia. This person had stayed sober primarily to earn the respect of his friends. The new location offered him the same principles but not the same personalities. If you are in a new location, do not let this affect you. Continue faithful adherence to the Twelve Step program, and you can be sober anywhere.

[bluidkiti]

July 19

Letting Go Doesn't Mean Copping Out

Dependence on a Higher Power is not an abdication of responsibility. Some criticize AA and NA as fostering dependence and encouraging copping out. But if we look at people in recovery, we see people at their jobs daily. Turning things over to God allows us to use our abilities. Some people are unable to use their capacities because of anxiety. Panic is destructive, and people have been trampled to death when they panic. But relying on a Higher Power prevents this paralyzing panic. We are capable of using our abilities to get things done for ourselves.

[bluidkiti]

July 20

Lessons From Nature

I had the opportunity to observe salmon swim upstream to lay their eggs in the same place as where they were born. They jumped powerful cascades to reach a higher level. If they missed, they tried again. Perhaps it is the fight against powerful forces that stimulates them. Salmon have an instinctive goal. Humans have an intellectual goal. Like salmon, we are stimulated by the resistances we meet to strive ever higher, to get where we know we belong. Another thing we can learn from the salmon is that they never jump two levels at once. Easy does it. One level at a time.

[bluidkiti]

July 21

New Opportunities For Addiction

A physician with ten years of quality sobriety, on staff at a rehab center, developed high blood pressure, for which his doctor prescribed Valium. The doctor suggested the physician's wife keep the medication and dispense it daily, but the physician saved up all four pills so he could get a buzz taking them together. Within days he had relapsed. That an intelligent person who is actively involved in treating addiction and understands it thoroughly can do something so self-destructive is nothing less than baffling. We are always recovering. We must always be on guard, because chemicals are baffling.

[bluidkiti]

July 22

Sobriety Can Bring New Problems

A man set up a workshop in his apartment. A neighbor began playing loud music to obscure noise of the machinery. When the man moved his workshop, he became annoyed by the neighbor's loud music. By this time the neighbor had come to enjoy it, and did not wish to stop it. Similarly, the sober spouse may have to adapt to the addict's behavior. These adaptations become an established pattern, which later annoys the addict -- though they had come about as a response to the addiction. This is why codependency requires careful attention. Abstinence can create a new set of problems.

[bluidkiti]

July 23

Appreciate The Good Things You Have

Sometimes we need lessons in gratitude. One day I had allowed myself to become upset because the cruise control on my new car was not functioning. That day a young woman in early recovery reported things were going better for her now that she was sober. She had found an apartment and soon she might have enough money to repair her car. But I must remember some people don't even have a car, she said. I became much more appreciative of my new car, which had everything except cruise control. We should learn how to appreciate the things we have.

[bluidkiti]

July 24

Unburden Yourself of Things You Cannot Control

One night an operator called my unlisted number. When she put on the caller, I responded it was an audacity to call me collect. I later reflected the operator had asked for person-to-person. If so, I had unjustly accused the caller. I could not apologize to her because I did not know who she was. The anger at myself persisted until I realized since I could not make amends, I must turn this incident over to God. All I could do was to be more patient before making judgments. I was able to get relief because the burden was no longer on me.

[bluidkiti]

July 25

Easy Does It Can Require Hard Work

it does not mean we should look for the easiest way to get something done. Some with eating disorders have undergone bypass surgery to lose weight. Though initially successful, weight may later be regained. A change in life-style such as with Overeaters Anonymous is not as easy a method, but it can give more lasting results. Similarly, trying to gain knowledge without effort of studying isn't profitable. Easy does it means we do not let ourselves get into a dither about things. Getting something accomplished, however, requires elbow grease.

[bluidkiti]

July 26

There Are A Million Excuses

Keep coming back. It works. Do you need an excuse for not attending meetings? Just write to me, and I will send you as many as you need. These are excuses collected from people who have relapsed. Some are amateurish, such as I saw one guy leave a meeting and go directly to a bar. This is silly, since it doesn't mention that the other 89 people who were at the meeting went home and stayed sober. If you continue with meetings, you are likely to remain sober. If you discontinue meetings, there is a high risk of relapse, regardless of how good your excuses are.

[bluidkiti]

July 27

Life Is Always a Struggle

Living a moral life can never be completely tranquil. Books on peace of mind or soul can mislead us into thinking complete inner peace is achievable. Life is full of stress. We have many biological drives and impulses that want gratification, and our conscience says no. Although complete inner peace is thus never possible, the idea it is feasible can lead us to try and achieve it via chemicals. The brief period of chemical tranquility comes at an exorbitant price. We should understand that realistic peace of mind exists with some coexisting stress and tension.

[bluidkiti]

July 28

Sharing Versus Using

A man told me when he called his mother during early recovery to find out how she was feeling; she was in disbelief because during his addiction he never called unless he wanted money or an attorney. In sobriety, this man now compensates for services, shares with others as they share with him, or accepts a helping hand when reality is too much. This is different from the way he exploited people during active addiction, without appreciation or gratitude. The dependence of the Twelve Step program is a mutual relationship rather than one of exploitation.

[bluidkiti]

July 29

Experiencing Forgiveness

Words have meaning only if we have the experience. We are told we should feel relieved of guilt if we repent something and ask for forgiveness. Some are unable to break loose from guilt. Perhaps because forgiveness is foreign to their own experience. If you find yourself overwhelmed with guilt even after you have made amends and asked for forgiveness, there may be something more you must do. You must sincerely forgive someone who has offended or harmed you. Once you have experienced forgiveness by forgiving someone else, you'll understand and realize you, too, can be forgiven.

[bluidkiti]

July 30

The Futile Pursuit of Perfection

A student nurse wanted to quit because she made a harmless error. If every nurse who felt that way quit, we would have only nurses who don't care if they made a mistake. If we are hard on ourselves, that keeps us on the alert, taking precautions to avoid further mistakes. It also leads us to make amends. But after we are finished being harsh with ourselves, we should accept our humanity and our fallibility. We need to try to do the very best we can, with the knowledge that we cannot possibly be perfect.

[bluidkiti]

July 31

Is Recovery a Rebirth?

Some who recover from addiction realize they have felt themselves to be defective and the world hostile and unfair for as long as they can recall. In recovery we begin to recognize these misconceptions. As distortions of reality, they technically are manifestations of insanity. How can we ask to be restored to a sanity we never had? It may be necessary to go back to the moment of birth. Our ideas of reality begin to form in the first few days of life, but at birth we are all sane. Recovery then is a rebirth, and we can be restored to that pristine sanity.