If You Want What We Have

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

---- 1 ----
Whatever happens at all happens as it should.
Marcus Aurelius Antonius


New Comer
I came to this meeting, but I don’t know if I belong here. I just don’t know.


Sponsor
We have a saying: “Nobody gets here by mistake.” For many of us, this means that something inside us knows we need help and that we’re in the process of becoming willing to accept it. Some of us are drawn here thinking, at first, that we’ve come because of someone else’s problems; then we discover that we’ve also come for ourselves. Some of us sense immediately that we belong here; some come to this feeling over time; some never feel they belong. Our arriving at the first meeting can seem mysterious until we realize how unlikely it is for a person with no relationship to addiction whatsoever to show up here.

Since you can’t decide whether you belong her or not, why not stay? Consider it a gift that’s been offered you, a chance to explore your relationship to addiction. You are entitled to be here. The only “qualification” for membership is a desire to quit our addictive substance or behavior. Unless you cause a disruption, no one’s going to ask you to leave a meeting. Relax, sit back, and listen. See if you identify with any of the feelings that you hear people share, whether or not their specific life experiences mirror yours. If you keep coming, more will be revealed in time.

Today, I am where I’m supposed to be.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 2 ----
We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart.
Blaise Pascla


Newcomer
I’m not sure I qualify to be in this program. I wasn’t that bad – I hear stories that are so much worse than mine.

Sponsor
There’s a joke about a group of friends standing at their drinking buddy’s graveside with his widow, all of them shaking their heads and saying, “I don’t understand it – he wasn’t that bad.”

Who qualifies for a Twelve Step program? The answer doesn’t lie simple in the quantities of a substance consumed or in the frequency of an unwanted behavior. More telling is whether or not we have a choice. It’s useful to make a list of times we remember using in spite of intention not to and a list of times when using took us places we never meant to go, made us do things we never meant to do. Perhaps we’ll recall many such situations, perhaps only a few. The number is less important that our willingness to look back at our memories, and the feelings accompanying them, without censoring ourselves. Something inside us brought us here; it’s up to each of us to take an honest look at what that was.


Today, I look honestly at times when I have been powerless over this addiction. I acknowledge the ways it has made my life unmanageable.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 3 ----
A man takes a drink, the drink takes another, and the drink takes the man.
Sinclair Lewis

Newcomer

I’ve heard Alcoholics Anonymous members say, “It’s the first drink that gets you drunk,” and Overeaters Anonymous members say, “Don’t take that first compulsive bite.” It seems a little extreme. Don’t Twelve Step programs allow for the possibility of doing things in moderation?


Sponsor

There are numerous stories of addicted people who started with the idea that they’d have “just one” of whatever it was. Hours, days, or weeks later, they were still in the middle of a binge. Most of us, when we were active in our addictions, promised ourselves repeatedly that we’d be moderate, though we’d already accumulated plenty of evidence that we lacked the desire and the capacity for moderation. One we started using, no matter how seemingly insignificant the beginning, we were under the control of our addiction. We experienced a craving that no quantity of a drug or repetition of and additive behavior could satisfy.

There are people on this planet who leave wine unfinished in their glasses and food uneaten on their plates. There are people who can do in moderation what people filling the seats at meetings couldn’t stop doing, once they started. But we are not those people. If we’ve suffered from an addiction enough to come here for treatment, why would we want to keep playing with denial?


Today, I’m strengthened by accepting my need to take special measures to protect my health and recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 4 ----
Later is now.
Roseanne Barr


Newcomer
I guess I do have some addiction problems, but right now is a terrible time for me. I know you’d like me to be more involved, use the program more, but I need time—there’s something else I have to deal with first. I’ve tried talking about it at meetings, but no one really has much understanding of my particular problem.

Sponsor
I do respect the fact that there are pressing problems in your life and that you are going to have to face them. Addiction is, in one sense, a response to underlying issues we all have to deal with. And in addition to our inner problems, many of us enter recovery in the midst of some crisis—serious illness, separation, overdue taxes, even homelessness are situations some of us have had to face while newly recovering. I agree that your problems are real ones. But putting off recovery is not likely to help you with them. It may make things worse.

While I may not be able to help with the specifics of your situation, I can be here to share my experience, strength, and hope as a person in recovery. Recovery is the foundation of my life today. I make it my highest priority, and as time goes on I find the help and strength I need to resolve everything else I have to deal with. If you, too, have the willingness to face your addiction and show up for your recovery, I’m willing to be here.

Today, I let go of all obstacles to recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 5 ----
Life is not made up of yesterdays only.
Carl Jung



Newcomer
I heard a bunch of jargon at the meeting I went to last night. I didn’t understand any of it. What does “ninety in ninety” mean?

Sponsor
I can understand your bewilderment at unfamiliar program phrases and customs. In the beginning, it may feel as if we’re participating in a culture that’s new to us. I’m glad I can help, and if I’m not here to translate, almost anyone you see at a meeting would be happy to explain unfamiliar expressions.

“Ninety in ninety” is an abbreviated way of saying, “Go to ninety meetings in ninety day.” One of the strongest suggestions this program makes to newcomers is to attend a meeting every day for at least the first three months. Intermittent attendance, a few meetings here or there, won’t provide enough information about whether we belong here or not. Ninety days of meetings can make it clear.

At first, it may sound like a lot. But when we think of the time we have given to our addiction—pursuing it, trying to control it, acting on it, feeling sick and guilty about it—then an hour or an hour and a half doesn’t seem like too much of a commitment. Meetings create a sense of belonging to a community and a solid basis of support over time. It’s such a good use of time; and hour in a room with my peers gives me a reserve of strength and hope for an entire day.

Today, I am part of a community of people in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 6 ----
It’s not what you were, it’s what you are today.



Newcomer
I get the general idea of “ninety meeting in ninety days.” But aren’t there any exceptions? Some days, like on the weekends, I have time to go to more than one, but later in the week, when I’m exhausted from work, I’d sometimes rather go to a movie or go to bed early.


Sponsor
No one takes attendance; no one expects perfection. But why deprive yourself? In this program, we stay away from addiction a day at a time. At the beginning of recovery, especially if we’re going through a process of detoxification, twenty-four hours can seem endless. Going through a whole day of early recovery on our own may be bewildering and anxiety-producing. Why “white-knuckle it” when help is available at a meeting?

Anticipating a meeting at the lunch hour or at the end of a workday gives me a kind of safety net. Knowing throughout the day that I’m headed for a place where recovery is the top priority can help me through hard moments—I anticipate the meeting, instead of my preferred drug or compulsive behavior. Some of us prefer to begin the day with an early-morning meeting that helps us face the hours ahead calmly.

Each new day offers us new challenges, new opportunities for our addictions to flex their muscles. Going to a meeting can strengthen our spirits and help ensure our continuing recovery.

Today, I further my recovery by going to a meeting.

[bluidkiti]

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 7 ----
Fortunately, time, rather than intelligence or study, eventually helps us see the other side of things.




Newcomer
I don’t think these meetings do enough. Some people come in with their health in terrible shape. Someone should be evaluating them! I think I should be getting vitamin B shots. I’m angry that such important things are being ignored.

Sponsor
You may very well need extra vitamins; nutrition sounds like something you might be ready to look into. You may want to see a doctor, a nutritionist, or both. I support you in your desire to get help with the ways you have neglected your health. And I understand that you feel angry at not being taken care of.

One reason that this program works for me is that it respects my decision to seek help, if and when I choose to, from the people and institutions I trust. It doesn’t get into the business of dispensing medical advice, diets, vitamins, or exercise plans, any more than it tells me where to pray, how to earn a living, or whom to vote for. The group doesn’t hire experts to come tell us how to run our lives, and we don’t have to be covered by insurance to come to a meeting. Each of us here is an expert on just one thing; our own experience of addiction and recovery. You might say that we’re specialists!

Today, I appreciate the gift of my experience. I add one new thing to my knowledge of how to take care of my health—physical, mental, and spiritual.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 8 ----
…that they may solve their common problem…
ALCOHOLICS ANNONYMOUS PREAMBLE



Newcomer
When they say we’re here to solve our common problems, I’m really put off. Adults should be able to handle their problems on their own, shouldn’t they?

Sponsor
We don’t go to meetings to solve our “problems” but rather our “problem”—singular. Meeting address the problem none of us could solve on our own; the disease of addiction.

I can identify with your discomfort at the thought of accepting help from a group of people. I’ve always wanted to think of myself as independent. Talking about what’s bothering me feels like I’m risking my pride, my privacy, and my autonomy.

Deep down, though, I care a great deal about what other people think of me. I’m afraid that if they really get to know me, they’ll find out I’m not good enough. I’m afraid they’ll want more from me than I’m capable of giving. I’d rather believe that I don’t need others than risk being challenged or let down by them.

I’m not alone in having these fears and resentments of others. Most of us who’ve resorted to addictive substances or behaviors have problems in our relationships with other people.

When, through the help of other recovering people, we solve our common problem of addiction, we become truly independent. We’re free of our deadly attachment to a drug. We’re free to acknowledge our connections with other human beings.

Today, I add the word “help” to my vocabulary.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 9 ----

Which way lay safety? Which way life?

JACQUESE LUSSEYRAN




Newcomer
What would be the harm of using in moderation? The rest of the world does it. I have to admit that I feel deprived, even somewhat resentful.


Sponsor
When I was free to use in moderation, how moderate was I? Was my relationship with certain substances and behaviors easy and comfortable, one that created no problems for me or others? Was it easy for me to stop, once I get started? Was it easy for me to stay stopped, if I chose to? It’s easy to slip back into denial about the seriousness of my problem, once I’ve gotten some momentary feeling of control.

Some of us consumed our addictive substances in smaller quantities than others did. Some of us are taller or thinner or shorter or younger; some spent more years in school; some can enjoy strawberries without breaking out in a rash. I can easily point to the differences between me and others; there are plenty!

Or I can to meetings, listen and see if there are feelings with which I identify. The addictions that call to us will always be there, if we decide to go back to them. For today, there’s no hurry to return to old habits. Let’s keep an open mind, as we go through today without putting our recovery at risk.


I look honestly at my previous life and remember what feelings and situations got me here.

For today, I give myself the chance for recovery

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin
---- 10 ----
The war is over.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS


Newcomer
I’m trying to understand the First Step, and I’m really stuck on the word “powerless.” I’m not weak; I don’t want to be called powerless. It really insults my intelligence.

Sponsor
Let’s take a look at this part of the First Step together. It doesn’t simply say, “We admitted we were powerless.” Far from it. It says that we were powerless over something. We recognized that a specific substance or behavior had proved stronger than our determination not to consume it or engage in it. Choosing recovery does not mean that we are weak, but it does offer us an opportunity to surrender. Accepting the truth that we have an addiction is an easier way for us to change our addictive behavior than continuously fighting with it. When I resist, my enemy just seems to get stronger. So instead, I accept that there are some things I can’t control. That acceptance becomes a source of enormous power.

Today, I empty my hands and let go of my weapons.
I admit that addiction has played a role in my life.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 11 ----
May you live all the days of your life.
JONATHAN SWIFT



Newcomer
I’m confused about the wording of the second part of the First Step. When people say, “My life had become unmanageable,” they don’t all seem to mean the same thing. For some it’s a big deal if they have a messy house or unpaid bills; another person says he has lost everything, but seems totally calm about it. I don’t know if my life is unmanageable or not. Just what is “unmanageability”?


Sponsor
People who manage offices, theaters, restaurants, classrooms—you name it—are responsible for lots of planning and decision making. Periodically, they have to reevaluate. They may ask, “What results did we get from taking the actions we took? What can we do more effectively?” Managing our live is similar. Life used to just happen to me; I reacted to events, often feeling like a victim. When I acted on impulse, then looked for reason for what I’d done, I wasn’t managing anything. Today, I can see the range of choices available to me, now that my life isn’t dedicated to serving my addiction. In recovery, we’re responsible for finding out how we want to live, where, and with whom—what our true preferences are. Our disease made our lives unmanageable, but we are no longer victims when we take back the responsibility for our decisions in recovery.


Today, I am free to make decisions that help
bring about the life I want for myself.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 12 ----
Let the counsel of thine own heart stand.
APOCRYPHA

Newcomer
I’ve told one or two old friends that I’ve started going to meeting of a Twelve Step Program. One of them is very dubious about it. When I talked about being a addicted, she said she’d never thought of me as having a serious problem. Maybe she’s right—she’s known me for a long time.

Sponsor
It’s ultimately our own deep discomfort that tells us we have a problem. Our friends, our families, and even our doctors may have told us that they want us to get help—or they may have said that they don’t believe we have a serious problem. Do they know the whole truth about us? We may have hidden our addiction from them. They may not be adequately informed about what addiction is. Or they themselves may be in denial, on order not to have to look at their own relationship to addiction.

Friends who aren’t facing a life-and-death disease may not understand that what I’m doing her is saving my life. They may think that I’m exaggerating my problem or that I’m simply caught up in a trend. Such opinions appeal to me at times, when I’d rather not have to face what I know to be true in the depths of my being.

We can’t let others “vote” on our decision to enter recovery—it’s up to us to know our own truth and respect it.

Today, I won my need for recovery.
I don’t argue about it, with myself or with others.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 13 ----
The day is a gift of the universe.

KATHLEEN CULVER


Newcomer
I don’t want to disappoint the people who count on me, but I’m afraid to promise that I’ll stick to this recovery stuff forever. I don’t know if I can do it. Frankly, I feel suffocated by the idea of never using anything ever again, of going to meetings for years—I can’t imagine spending my whole life in recovery.


Sponsor
The span of a whole life is impossible to imagine. We have no idea how long we’re going to live, what unforeseen things will take place in our lifetime, or even how a small choice we make today may in some way change the person we grow to be tomorrow. If I try to imagine doing anything “forever” or “for my whole life,” I’m overwhelmed. Fortunately, no one here is asking me to promise that. The program suggests only that we get through one day—today—without using an addictive substance. Yesterday is over. Tomorrow is not here yet. My whole life is now, and now is all that need concern me. Sometimes even a twenty-four-hour period feels overwhelming, so I break it down into hours and go through the day an hour at a time. Some day I’ve even had to think in term of just one minute at a time. Using substances we’re addicted to comes naturally to us; a day in which we choose recovery instead is a highly successful day.


I let go of yesterday and tomorrow. I choose recovery for today.

[schell81208]

If you want what we have we must go to any lengths to stay away from mind altering chemicals of any sort, even that which we can't drink, snort, or pull a slot machine...things maybe food, or compulsive spending...these are all a disease of the mind, body and spirit...Just for today , for this minute I have the choice to use the tools I have learned in the program, from others in meetings, from my sponsor and the fellowship...I can choose the joy of life, rather than the pain of active addiction...hearing a newcomer speak at his or her first meetings...is a gift we all need ...bringing me back seeing what it was really like...reading the BB and other literature, journalling , and working the steps in my life today...I am given the amazing opportunity to be alive and sober today...I shouldn't be here today..and it took me many back and forths before I wanted what you all have....change is not easy, nor is it impossible...when the pain of remaining the same , becomes greater than that fear of change...well nobody likes pain, I could "continue to the bitter end, blotting out my existence with chemicals, or I could humble myself to admitting I am powerless over those things. The hardest thing I did was say I am an alcoholic for the first time...If you want what we have , I was told what lengths will you go to? I drank everyday...had excuses (lies mostly) why I couldn't go to a meeting, its too far, too rainy or snowy I am too tired, etc....my sponsor would say to what lengths would you go to to get a drink tonight, or how many miles would you drive for your drugs? She had me there....I would have to go to any lengths for sobriety just as I did for my chemicals...and boy I sure did go any lengths for those!! Like I said I am grateful to all things spiritual and all of you who were instrumental in sobriety...and as they say, they say , the longer we stick around the more miracles we will see. Peace, Schell

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 14 ----
The truth can be spoken only by someone
who already lives inside it.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN

Newcomer
Some of the expressions people use to talk about recovery sounds sickeningly sweet to me. On my first day, someone I’d never seen before said to me, “Welcome to our fellowship.” It makes my skin crawl when they say that kind of thing. And all those slogans! They make me wonder if people in recovery can think for themselves.



Sponsor
I can identify with you. In early recovery, I felt uncomfortable when people reached out to me. I had been impatient and cynical for a long time; I was suspicious of positive statements and looked down on people who made them. My habit of finding fault came in hand when somebody challenged my old ways of thinking. It was easier to criticize others than to look at myself.

It’s funny: when I was active in my addiction, I rarely complained of how tedious and repetitive my life had become. I had surrounded myself with people who enabled my addiction. I must have sounded like a broken record as I justified my addiction in spite of the consequences. Today, my focus is no longer on likes and dislikes. Instead of dismissing people without really looking or listening, I can go deeper and see what’s true for me in whatever they are saying.

In recovery, free of the need to make snap judgments, we can begin to listen in a new way.

Today, I listen without judging. I cultivate
respect and tenderness for others and for myself.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 15 ----
Very little is needed to make a happy life.
MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS



Newcomer
I’m having a horrible day. I have way too much to do. This morning I felt overwhelmed, but I went to a meeting as you told me to. Instead of making me feel better, the meeting made me feel worse: I got upset at what someone shared and started to cry. Now I have a headache and I can’t concentrate on what I was supposed to do. How will I ever get this stuff done?

Sponsor
What you are experienced at the meeting was not to blame for your sadness. More likely, whatever triggered your tears was already inside you, waiting for something to release it. Most of us who are in recovery have a lot of stored-up grief. Tears are beneficial and cleansing.

There are day like this, when we feel sad, distracted, overwhelmed. Some days—especially in early recovery—are unexpectedly emotional. On such days, we may have to accept that it’s enough simply to breathe, eat three meals, drink water, and abstain from using our drug of choice. And, yes, to go to a meeting. Meetings remind us that when an alcoholic stays sober, an overeater eats moderately, or a perfectionist knows that he or she had done enough, a significant victory has been achieved. For those of us living with addiction, one day without additive behavior is a precious step forward on our journey.


I am willing to revise my goals for this day. I give myself the gift of keeping it simple for one day of recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 16 ----
I am of old and young, of the foolish as much as the wise….
And breathe the air and leave plenty after me,
And am not stuck up, and am in my place.
WALT WHITMAN

Newcomer
I’ve been told to make program calls, but I hate bothering other people, and I don’t like them bothering me. I can’t bring myself to ask people for their telephone numbers in the first place, and though a few people have offered me their numbers at meetings, I haven’t used them. How can I make phone alls to people I don’t know? Especially when I don’t really have anything to say other than that I fell terrible and don’t know why!


Sponsor
New recovery is a little bit like starting to walk after having been paralyzed. In recovery, we’re moving muscles that we haven’t used before. It’s uncomfortable. It’s work. But because we want to get better, we need to stop making excuses. I follow suggestions and use the tools of the program. I let go of my self-centeredness and see that making a program call is a gift: it offers someone else the opportunity to share his or her recovery. I recognize, too, that in the adult world, people can tell me when they aren’t available to talk; I don’t have to figure it out for them! I can be honest about where I’m at today, too—I don’t have to have my act together before I make a program call.


Today, I allow others to further their own recovery by sharing their experience, strength, and hope with me.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 17 ----
I have had just about all I can take of myself.

S. N. BEHRMAN


Newcomer
I can’t sleep. I’m too exhausted to concentrate during the day. At night I’m tortured by thoughts of sickness, death, debts, people I’ve hurt or who’ve hurt me. I’m uncomfortable physically, mentally, and emotionally. I bring it up at meetings, but no one takes me seriously. People just say, “It gets better” and “Keep coming back.”


Sponsor
Whether our addictions involve a substance or a behavior, we go through period of detoxification. Though some things may improve fast, most of us don’t heal overnight. Those who say “It gets better” and “Keep coming back” are speaking from experience and compassion. All of us, when we’re new, go through some version of what you’ve just described.

In time your body will readjust. Meanwhile, there are things you can do to reeducate your body about when it’s time to slow down. You can prepare for rest by dimming the lights, turning off the phone, playing slow music, or taking a warm bath by candlelight. In bed, you can take time to breathe and consciously relax your body, moving your attention very slowly upward from the toes as you picture every part of your body slowing down and letting go. You can do the same with thoughts, and visualize erasing them as they arise. You may still not sleep, but you can commit yourself to not indulging in worry or self-centered fear.


Today, I accept that detoxification is part of healing.

This, too shall pass.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 18 ----
A good listener is not only popular everywhere,
But after a while he gets to know something
WILSON MIZNER

Newcomer
I feel impatient. What am I doing at this meeting? The speaker’s concerns are entirely different from mine. He has cancer, and his doctor has told him that he has eighteen months to live. He says that he is not afraid of dying and he wants to die sober. I am impatient; my health is not a problem right now, and I don’t feel like I’m dying. I hate to say it, but what good is this going to do me?

Sponsor
When I am at a meeting, for the brief space of an hour I have nowhere I have to go, nothing I have to do. I can choose to relax, breathe, still my racing mind, listen. Sometimes a speaker addresses exactly what is on my mind. Other times, I have to listen hard for a feeling I can identify with or a principle I can practice. If I listen intending to hear something that I can take away with me even if it’s just one thing, I always find that it is there. After listening to someone who is facing illness and possible death, for example, I take away with me the new knowledge that here are recovering people who do not look at personal tragedy as an excuse for using again. Their priorities have changed. Are you will to reconsider your priorities?


Today, I listen without judging. I take responsibility
for hearing one thing that relates to my own recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin


-----19 ----
…I always come to why, to the unfair, painful part of life.
MALKIA CYRIL


Newcomer
Today, I went to a meeting, but I could hardly hear the speaker. She spoke softly, and the fan was making too much noise. During the discussion period, she called on people by name; they must have been her friends. No one noticed me during the coffee break, and I left the meeting feeling worse than when I came in. I thought people in this fellowship were supposed to reach out to newcomers!


Sponsor
When I was active in my addiction, I “medicated” myself when I felt uncomfortable with other people. In recovery, I have had to learn new skills. Developing friendships, both in this fellowship and in the “real” world, takes time. Some of the people I see at meetings are coping with problems like the ones I walked in with: shyness, anger, self-centered fear. When I feel lonely, instead of waiting to be rescued, I introduce myself to the person next to me. I sit as close to the front of the room as possible, focus on listening to the speaker, and thank him or her at the break. I put my hand up (high, as if I meant it!) and, if called on, let the group know something about me. If I don’t get called on, I refrain from resentment and plan to keep coming and attempting to share. We can trust that, over time, if we’re willing to reach out to others, people will begin to know us.


Today, I do not blame others for my feelings.
I take one step toward sharing myself with others.
I let go of needing instant results.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 20 ----
For sometimes, were the truth confess’d,
You’re thankful for a little rest.
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI

Newcomer
I can’t stop thinking about the mess I’ve made of my life. I rush around all day trying to get things done, then I run to a meeting, grab some cookies and coffee, and try to listen. I feel impatient and annoyed at what people are saying. Sometimes I even fall asleep at the meeting. I leave wondering if it’s worth it.

Sponsor
Mood swings are a signal that something needs taking care of. The slogan “HALT” (Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)” is a reminder to pay attention to basics. We have bodies that need regular food and rest. When I deprive myself of a meal, I get cranky and depressed. Being overtired is a mood changer for, too. When I try to revive myself with coffee and sugary snacks at night, I may have trouble sleeping afterward. My spirit has needs, too, that I’m learning to recognize and nourish. For along time, I was used to masking my anger and loneliness with addictive substances. To change this habit, I allow recovering people into my life. Sometimes speaking to just one other person can break the cycle of isolation that addiction thrives one. But even if we don everything perfectly, we may still fall asleep in a meeting sometimes. We needn’t worry; even if we don’t catch every word, a meeting is a safe place to be.

Today, I respect the basic needs of my body and spirit.
I nurture my recovering self with food, rest,
And conversation with others.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 21 ----
Get rid of the poison
M.F.K. FISHER


Newcomer
I’m trying to take your advice not to get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, but sleep is still a problem for me. When I get into bed, my mind starts racing. I toss and turn; it’s as if I’m being flooded with adrenaline. Then I’ll pass out for a while, and the dreams I have are horrible—they’re like hallucinations. When I get up, I feel exhausted.

Sponsor
In the first few weeks of recovery, especially from physical addictions—alcohol, food, drugs, cigarettes—sleep disturbances are likely to occur. Our bodies are still undergoing a process of detoxification and rebalancing. When we feel if we’re being flooded with adrenaline, that’s probably exactly what’s happening. Night and day may be turned around. Sleep problems vary fro person to person, depending on former addictive patterns. Some may sleep a lot, with dreams that feel hallucinatory; others may feel as if they’ve been lying awake for days. When we used our addictive substance or behavior, we were numbing ourselves so that we wouldn’t have to feel certain things. Those feeling don’t go away just because we’ve entered recovery.

The extremes you’re experiencing will level off as recovery continues. Bodies have a natural tendency to heal. One morning, you will wake up refreshed, surprised to realize you’ve had a night’s rest. You can help the process along by avoiding caffeine or heavy eating at night, by drinking plenty of water, and by beginning to add some form of gentle exercise to your day. A walk or some gentle yoga or stretching can do more than you’d think to help you body detoxify and regain hormonal balance.

Today, I cooperate with the natural process
That is healing my body and spirit.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 22 ----
Over and over, we begin again.
BANANA YOSHIMOTO

Newcomer
Yesterday was such a difficult day. But here it is, morning again—somehow, I’ve gotten through another twenty-four hours, and without a drug. I wish I’d known yesterday that thing wouldn’t feel so bad this morning.

Sponsor
Yesterday, we did the best that we could. Yesterday is over. We have slept. We think we know some of what today will hold. We may boil water in the same kitchen, take the same route to work, see some of the faces we usually see. At the meeting we attend, we’ll hear the familiar readings, take comfort from hearing the words we’ve heard before. Perhaps our shoulders, hunched with any tensions we’re experiencing, will drop at the sound of those accustomed words and we’ll relax.

Along with the predictable, there may be a thousand unexpected experiences: a new color in the sky, a smile answering our own, a phrase of music, a sense of willingness rising within us to do something differently.

Let’s take some deep, slow breaths and begin the day with faith that whatever it brings, we’ll be present for it.

This day is a gift that recovery has given to me.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



-----23 ----
The more you can experience the interconnectedness of
all beings, the healthier you will be.
ANDREW WEIL

Newcomer
I’m spending a lot of time traveling, because I don’t like going to meetings in my neighborhood. What if someone who knows who I am happens to see me going in, or even show up at a meeting?

Sponsor
Of course, you can travel to other neighborhoods if you want to—it’s not going to hurt anyone. But I wonder if your fear is justified. Most people I know are thinking about their own lives, not about mine. In the unlikely event that a neighbor sees me walking into a church or community center for a meeting, he probably won’t know just where in that building I’m going or why, unless he’s been to the same meeting!

I appreciate having meeting in common with people in my neighborhood. Though I’m certainly not required to become friends with them all, I feel strengthened knowing that we share a program of recovery. Once, in early recovery, feeling in danger of having a slip, I recognized another recovering person coming down the street toward me. We nodded to one another and moved on. I didn’t know her well, but seeing her reminded me of my own connection to the program and of what a gift recovery has been in my life. Perhaps your example will save someone else’s life one day, whether you know it or not; meanwhile, you’re saving your own.

Today, I let go of self-centered fear.
As someone who shows up for recovery,
I’m willing to be a power of example

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 24 ----
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before
Him I may think aloud.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Newcomer
Someone from where I used to work showed up at the meeting I want to last night. I was uncomfortable, and I avoided looking straight at him, but I’m pretty sure he saw me. What happens to my anonymity now? I don’t want the whole world to know my problems.


Sponsor
I’m glad that you’ve raised this question; it’s an important one. What, exactly, is “anonymity” with respect to Twelve Step fellowships? The root of the word means, literally, “without a name.” I honor the tradition of anonymity by not mentioning your name in connection with the name of this program. I may decide to tell someone that I’ve been a meeting, but I will not say that I saw you there. And I must never talk to anyone about what you’ve shared here. That won’t change after I’ve been her ninety days, or a year, or twenty years. I never have the right to break your anonymity to people in the community, even your close friends or family—that choice is yours and no one else’s. We all share this trust, and most of us are surprisingly good at honoring it. Anonymity gives a sense of freedom essential to recovery. If you bump into this person again, maybe you’ll just nod a greeting or maybe you’ll reassure him that he can trust you to respect his anonymity!


Today, I have no room in my life for gossip or
self-consciousness. I feel joy at seeing others
participate in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 25 ----
Day in, day out
I hunger and
I struggle

SAPPHO


Newcomer
I have so many problems. I have debts. I feel anxious and shaky at work. Meanwhile, friends and family members expect me to be the same person I’ve always been. I’m totally overwhelmed.

Sponsor
In recovery, we have a future to look forward to. Over time, we learn new ways to approach situations that trouble us. But we can’t do anything differently if we’re still in the throes of our disease. We cannot rush recovery.

You can learn to treat yourself gently, as you would a baby or a kitten, or a sick or injured person lying in a hospital bed. You wouldn’t yell at such a person, Get up! You have work to do! Stop wasting time! You’d be tender and understanding. You would not begrudge a baby, or someone recovering from illness, time for rest, food, or medicine. Taking some time for meetings is essential to the healing process. Prayer and meditation can help clam you when you feel overwhelmed.

We are entitled to take time for recovery.

Today, I treat myself tenderly and patiently.
I deserve to recover. I allow myself time for healing.

[MajestyJo]

My sponsor told me to stay in the day and ask myself what was a priority. #1 was always my sobriety. When I looked at my day, I was told that it was okay to just be, and do what came up in front of me, instead of looking at the whole picture.

What is in my face and needs to be done? Can it be put off until later? Is there something else that needs done be for I do my will. Like calling my sponsor, reading some literature, prayer and meditation. I always found a little talk with my God, seemed to make it alright.

When I complained of busy, I was reminded to look at what it was like when I didn't have busy in my life. I drank and drugged to make time disappear. The insanity of this disease, standing with my legs crossed in my living room so I won't pee my pants, so I could light a cigarette to go to the bathroom. ;)

All I was capable of putting one foot in front of the other, that is why I went to a meeting morning and night, I had to fill my day up with spiritual things instead of spending my days looking for things outside of myself to find peace. In between I read literature and spent time with recovery friends.

When I quit cigarettes, I didn't gain weight, I lost 3 lbs. because I went to NA and collected key tags.

They say 90 meetings in 90 days, that doesn't mean to stop then, that is just time to find a sponsor and a home group, and a time to detox and gain some clarity of thought. This is a one day at a time program.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 26 ----
This is a “we” program.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
Why must I have a sponsor? Can’t I do this on my own?

Sponsor
Sponsorship is strong suggestion—not a rule. Yes, some people do stay in recovery without a sponsor. And no, we can’t recover on our own.

There are great advantages to taking the program suggestion to maintain a relationship with a sponsor. Recovery is a major change—it’s one of the most difficult, most courageous things we can do in our lives. A sponsor, someone who’s survived the ups and downs we’re facing in early recovery, can serve as a guide and mentor. He or she can answer our questions and help us guide and mentor. He or she can answer our questions and help us through the Steps, giving us the benefit of his or her experience. With a sponsor present to witness our recovery process, to offer perspective and support, we may have a gentler ride.

When I was active in my addiction, I avoided the intimacy of relationships in which I might have to open myself to others or trust them. Even at times when there were many people in my life, I managed to avoid “people situations” that made me uncomfortable. A sponsor-sponsee relationship can be the start of learning that human beings can depend on one another.
Today, I’m not alone in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----27 ----

I took the portion that was given to me and gave it to him
THE BABYLONIAN TALMUD

Newcomer
Are there any rules about how to find a sponsor?

Sponsor
Some meetings have interim sponsorship programs. An interim sponsor works with a newcomer temporarily—a few weeks to a few months—while he or she looks for a regular long-term sponsor. Sometimes, an interim sponsor becomes the newcomer’s regular sponsor, if they both agree to it.

Long-term sponsorship is a relationship of trust, on that’s likely to have a significant impact on the process of recovery. It’s not a good idea to choose impulsively. When we attend meetings, we listen closely as people qualify or share. We’ll hear people who have the serenity and sober experience we ourselves want. If we hear someone we think we’d like to ask t o be our sponsor, we try phoning or going out for coffee with him or her first. We take a little time. We soon know whether or not we have the willingness to share and to listen. We sense whether this is someone whose guidance we can trust.

Sponsors should have a minimum of one year of recovery. It’s suggested that a sponsor’s gender not be that of his or her sponsee’s sexual preference; for example, a hetero sexual woman generally shouldn’t choose a heterosexual male sponsor. It’s a suggestion, not a rule, meant to keep the way clear, so that sponsors and sponsees don’t’ get distracted from their goal. The goal is continued. Quality recovery—for both the sponsor and the sponsee.

Today, I welcome a sponsor-sponsee relationship that encourages and supports my recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 28 ----

Sincerity is the foundation of the spiritual life.
ALBERT SCHWEITZER

Newcomer
I started out with a temporary sponsor. She was the one who spoke to me first. She seemed to like me and to have real concern for how I was doing as a newcomer. At first, we talked a lot. She knew what being a newcomer was like and said some things that went pretty deep.

Then she became hard to reach. She took her time returning my calls, and when I finally asked if something was wrong, she said she thought I should get a regular sponsor. I was angry and hurt. We’d worked together so well at first.

Sponsor
Some people prefer working with newcomers, helping them through the roller coaster of early recovery, but aren’t available as long-term sponsors. Whatever the underlying reasons, it’s preference—just as some parents take more naturally to parenting very young, dependent children, while others have an easier time with kids who can walk and talk and read books. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s just a fact.

Of course, it helps if a sponsor is clear with us from the beginning about the limits of his or her availability. Confusion sets in when people send us mixed signals. I don’t know all the specifics of what occurred between you and your interim sponsor, or whether there was a clear understanding between the two of you at the outset. But what is perfectly clear is her last message: when she suggested that you find another sponsor, then stopped returning calls, she let you know that she was no longer available to you.

I respect your desire to extend the relationship with your temporary sponsor; I, too, can still feel the power of my first attachments in this program. But when someone says no to us, it’s wise to believe what they say. It’s freedom.


Today, I remember that many people are willing to help me on my path.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 29 ----
They try to pass along something they themselves have not yet received.

LEWIS HYDE

Newcomer
What do I do if someone I don’t know offers to be my sponsor?

Sponsor
Sometimes, a volunteer sponsor is the best thing that could happen to a newcomer who’s floundering or confused and who would do well with strong guidance. Sometimes it’s not such a good thing. What are the motives of someone who walks up to me and announces, “I’m your sponsor”? How do I know the difference between someone whose offer of service is sincere and someone who has the wish to control me? Or worse, who wants to prey on me—sexually or in some other way?

Control is an issue for most of us in recovery. As a sponsor, I have to be careful about my impulse to try to “fix” another person. It may make me feel powerful to think I’ve got the answers; it may distract me from my own unsolved problems. Over responsibility can be an addition, too.

If I have doubts about what someone in recovery is offering me, I can take some time to talk and listen. I can trust my instincts. If I listen, I may discover that I already have the answer inside me.

Today, I’m grateful for the unconditional love offered by others in recovery. I trust my ability to make good choices as I form relationships with people I meet, here and elsewhere.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


----30 ----
How easy it was to underestimate what had been endured.
MARGARET DRABBLE

Newcomer
I heard someone share that it was her anniversary and that she wanted to celebrate by stepping in front of a car and killing herself. How can someone talk that way at a meeting? I don’t want to listen to it.

Sponsor
The first thing I notice about this dramatic statement is that it was made at a meeting. As desperate as the person who made it may have been feeling, she did not act out her addiction, but instead showed up and shared. I’ve walked into meetings feeling depressed, despairing, angry, rebellious, alone, or misunderstood, and when I’ve been willing to share my state of mind, have felt sudden relief.

Not knowing the person who shared, and not being experts, we can’t really know how seriously to take such a statement. From one person, it might be a sign the compassionate professional help is needed; from another, it might be just a bit of self-indulgent humor or a bid for attention. People come to meetings in many different frames of mind, with different life experiences, and with recovery of varying lengths and quality. Some make everything they experience sound like high drama; others are reluctant to expose depths of real pain. And of course, there are many people with strong recovery who use the tools of the program to help them “ride the waves” of life’s problems with relative ease and even joy.

Rather than focus on your discomfort with someone else’s sharing, why not keep the focus on yourself and your own recovery work?

Today, I say a prayer for those who are still sick and suffering, in or out of this program. I give my attention to the work that’s mine to do in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----31 ----
I like to think that at birth, everyone is allotted a quantity of alcohol to last for her whole life, and that by the time I was in my twenties, I’d already consumed my entire quota!
WOMAN IN RECOVERY


Newcomer
I can’t get my mind off what I’m missing. I think that at this point I could control myself and just use moderately. Ordinary people have a glass of wine when they eat dinner at a restaurant, or have a beer on a hot summer day. Why do I have to deprive myself?


Sponsor
Frankly, I can’t imagine a better way to torture myself than making the decision to have just a little I’d be preoccupied with that little bit all day long: waiting beforehand for the right time to have it, then resenting its being over, afterward. For me, how could just a little ever be enough? And how could I keep from rationalizing, after a while, having just a little bit more? My biochemistry and my mental obsession make me crave certain substances whenever I have them. Other people may not react this—but I’m not other people. My susceptibility turns something that may be safe for others into poison for me. There is one simple way for me to keep from craving more of this poison, and that is to avoid it altogether. Over time, deprivation takes on a new meaning—we no longer have the desire to deprive ourselves of this experience of recovery.


For today, I stop my craving by not feeding it.
I make room for a new, better life.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 32 ----
To accept a favor from a friend is to confer one.

JOHN CHURTON COLLINS

Newcomer
I’ve been okay for the past few days, so I haven’t called you. I feel as if I’m calling you too much. I don’t know what you could possibly be getting out of it.


Sponsor
I identify with your fear of imposing on other people, so I want to say first that I’m grateful for your phone calls. They help me to stay sober, just as much as they help you. They remind me, every day, of our addiction, and they remind me of the ways we’re growing and being healed.

When we stay in daily touch with a sponsor, it helps to keep us from “slipping through the cracks. “Though I go to a meeting, make coffee, or put away chairs, say hello to a few people, even put up my hand and share, there may be parts of my recovery process that I don’t understand, don’t like to talk about, or don’t get to talk about in depth. I can share more deeply and at greater length with my sponsor. My sponsor knows me pretty well by now and is likely to bring up recovery issues I’d rather evade or bury. Calling our sponsors isn’t always easy, but it’s part of our commitment to ourselves and our recovery.


Today, I’m willing to know others and to be known by them.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 33 ----
Argue not concerning God.
WALT WHITMAN

Newcomer
It’s obvious from what I hear people saying in meetings that God is a pretty important part of Twelve Step programs. What if I don’t believe in God or a Higher Power?


Sponsor
We don’t need religion in order to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using our preferred additive substance or behavior. To recover, we have to put down what we’re addicted to and we have to come to meetings. Not easy, perhaps, but simple and clear.

Whether or not we believe in God, most of us recognize that we don’t live entirely independently. The phrase “a Power greater than ourselves,” from Step Two, is a reminder to me that I don’t run the universe. Whatever I believe about God’s existence, I have to accept that I myself am not God—if I’m going to recover. I can’t control my addiction on my own. Willpower stopped working for me some time ago. I owe this newfound willingness to recover to someone or something that isn’t my intellect or will.

Those who reject traditional concepts of God can still point to something inside—what some call their “better self,” their “sense of right and wrong,” their “higher self,” or their “spirit”—that got them here. The desire for wholeness has somehow proved stronger than the impulse toward self-destruction.


Today, I accept that I’m not all-powerful.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 34 ----
For extreme illnesses, extreme treatments are necessary.
HIPPOCRATES

Newcomers
I keep hearing people refer to this problem as a disease. I’m not sure I buy that. I’ve stopped haven’t I?


Sponsor
The “disease debate” reminds me of the old saying, “If it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck—then it must be a duck.”

We know from experience that our addiction, untreated, is a craving so powerful that we have no choice but to put it first, before our goals and ideals, before work, health, and love. Willpower and promises may curb our addictive use for brief periods, but our physical craving and mental obsession return. Lives are shattered in the process. Some of us die.

Yet we persist in thinking that our addictive behavior is a moral issue. If we could just pull ourselves together, we could stop for good. Good intentions and inspirational messages haven’t worked for us, but we try them again and again. We forget that recovery isn’t about stopping, but about staying stopped.

We can look at it as good news that we have a disease. Accepting this helps us became willing to make the radical changes in our spiritual, mental, and physical lives that are required for our survival. We’re grateful for the “medicine” of meetings, literature, phone calls, sponsorship, and service. It’s helping us crate new, healthy selves.


Today, I’m grateful for the lifesaving principles of this program.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----35 ----

No one knows what he can do till he tries.
PUBLILUS SYRUS

Newcomer
I feel as if I have no energy. When I get home from work I force myself to go to a meeting, but all I really want to do is sleep.


Sponsor
At the end of active addiction, we were exhausted. Our bodies were used to brief, intense pickups—from drugs or cigarettes, from food containing large amounts of caffeine and sugar, from the high of acting out behavioral addictions—after which we “crashed.” The boost to our physical or mental energy was brief. Low bold sugar, depression, and renewed craving were the other side of this depleting cycle.

For me, exhaustion returned after the “high” of early recovery. I badly needed rest. This meant sleep, nutritious food, and, in my case, vitamin and mineral supplements. To my surprise, it also meant exercise.

How can we think about jogging around a track when we’re feeling exhausted? If we haven’t been exercising regularly, the key word to remember is gentleness. We can begin with a few minutes of gentle stretching in the morning. We can put on sneakers and walk for a short time each day. Or we can choose some other activity that appeals to us and that feels more like play then work. Surprisingly, regular physical movement increases our feelings of energy and well-being—sometimes more effectively than napping. It helps our digestion and circulation, balances our body weight, strengthens our bones, and helps us feel centered and refreshed.

Whatever we choose to do to get our bodies moving, gentleness and consistency are the keys.


Today, I nourish my body and spirit with gentle exercise.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 36 ----
They are dead even while they are alive.
LAWRENCE KUSHNER

Newcomer
What exactly is a blackout? I can’t figure out whether I’ve had them or not.

Sponsor
The term “blackout” usually refers to a period of time when we acted under the influence of an addictive substance, but later couldn’t remember or account for what we did. Many recovering alcoholics, for example, whether their drinking was daily or periodic, speak of having had to make phone calls “the morning after” to find out what they said or did the previous night. Blacking out as a result of drinking is one of the warning signs of alcoholism; it can last a few minutes or several days. Some have found themselves in strange beds, or even in foreign countries, with no memory of how they got there. Some people have killed during blackouts.

We don’t have to be using alcohol, drugs, or other substances to experience the blackout phenomenon. Some of us use the term more loosely to name a state in which, demoralized or compelled by our addiction, we behaved as if we weren’t “all there”—took unnecessary sexual risks, for example, or spent money we didn’t have, lied, forgot commitments, or acted in other ways we were later ashamed of. We say of such moments, “I was in an emotional blackout” or “I behaved as if I were in a blackout.”


Today, I look at places my addiction took me without my full consent. I’m grateful for my ability to make conscious choices in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 37 ----
This disease is like an elevator going down;
you can get off at any floor.
WOMAN IN RECOVERY

Newcomer
What does it mean to say, “I’ve hit bottom”? People seem to mean different things by it. I’ve heard some who have been homeless, others who have lived luxuriously. And a whole lot of people seem to have had pretty ordinary lives with typical human problems.

Sponsor
I’ve heard it said that if you stay in recovery, your story gets worse as time goes on. For me, that means that as I cleared up and listened to recovering people tell about their lives, I gradually remembered more about my own; places I’d forgotten my addiction had brought me to. Actual places, yes—but even more important, places in my soul. Feelings of uselessness and despair, feelings that somehow, somewhere, I’d lost the dreams I’d once had for my life. Whether you and I consumed the same quantity of what we’re addicted to, whether we had trust funds or were living on the street, spiritually we arrived at the same place. Instead of comparing my story with yours, I think about what, exactly, brought me here. No one gets here by mistake.

Today, I remember what got me here I know that I’m in the right place.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 38 ----

Every new moment that arises in your life can now be a point of choice…in which you can choose to treat yourself and others with Compassion rather than Judgment.
DAVID HARP


Newcomer
I wince every time I hear the words “God as we understood Him” and “Higher Power.” When meeting close with the Lord’s Prayer, I feel like I’m being railroaded. I don’t fit into the same religious slot that other people seem to take for granted.

Sponsor
All of us qualify to be here, but not because of any religious identification or belief. Most of us are tolerant of differences, but, being human, some of us forget that not everyone shares the same religious context. Whatever an individual member has to say about the role of his or her Higher Power, the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using the addictive substance that got us here.

Once I heard a member say, “This meeting is my church.” I’m glad that notion works for her. By the same token, I’ve always been grateful that this program is not a church—otherwise, I might have to rebel against it! We’re not required to subscribe to a particular set of religious beliefs or rituals. In recovery, each of us is free to explore what we believe.


Today, I respect others’ right to their beliefs, just as I respect my own. I bring my love of openness, inclusiveness, and harmony with me wherever I go.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----39 ----
But let me think away those times of woe;
Now ‘tis a fairer season
JOHN KEATS

Newcomer
I feel trapped and miserable. I don’t want to pick up my addiction, but, frankly, my life feels bleak without it. I’m not like those goody-goodies who do everything right and spout program. I’ll never be like them. What’s the point of being in recovery, if I feel this bad?

Sponsor
In recovery, I make the decision not to change my mood with an addictive substance or behavior today. And I can make other decisions as well. Recovery is the freedom to make choices. I can choose to remain isolated with feelings of fear, anger, and loneliness, or I can choose to share my feelings with another recovering person. I can arrange to go to a meeting. I can make phone calls—even short ones—to people whose numbers have ask for. If I only reach answering machines (some day are like that!) I can choose to leave messages asking people to call back. I can let go of results, knowing that I’ve done my part. If I’m feeling stressed, I can light a candle or just sit quietly for a few moments to relax and breathe. I may read a page from some program literature.

We can choose to put yesterday and tomorrow “on the shelf” and just let ourselves be, for this moment.


Today, I make choices that support my recovery. I have the willingness to be happy.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 40 ----
Example is always more efficacious than precept.
SAMUEL JOHNSON

Newcomer
It’s devastating to me to watch old friends and family members whose lives are still being screwed up by this disease. How can I convince them to join me in recovery before it’s too late? I’m sad and frustrated. Life’s so unfair! Why am I in recovery, while they’re still suffering?

Sponsor
Recovery is a gift that somehow, against all the odds, has been give to you. You can refuse it, trash it, or think yourself out of it. Loss of recovery not only would be your loss, but would also be a loss to all who could be helped by your example. You have a responsibility to maintain it each day, to nurture it by going to meetings, by using the tools that have been given to you, and above all by not picking up addictive substances and behaviors.

Friends and family members who need recovery but who don’t want it yet may be able to see the changes in us over time. Even though we’d like more than anything to persuade them to do themselves a favor and join us in recovery right now, we need to accept that this approach doesn’t work. Could anyone have persuaded you?

I am entitled to the gift of my recovery. I cherish this gift, not by preaching or trying to rescue others, but by making recovery central in my own life.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 41 ----
As we advance in life, we learn the limits of our abilities.
JAMES FROUDE

Newcomer
If I hear “This is a ‘we’ program” one more time, I’ll get sick. I don’t like groups, I don’t like the idea of depending on this program and I don’t like the idea of depending on a Higher Power to take care of me. I’ve always been a strong person. I cherish my independence.

Sponsor
Let’s take a look at some different kinds of dependency. Of course, there are dependencies that aren’t appropriate; they keep us from growing, just as our addictions did. For example, a parent’s continuing financial support of a grown child who is capable of earning a living on his or her won enables a mutual dependency that’s probably unhealthy for both parties.

There are other kinds of dependency that most of us accept without hesitation. When we strike a match, we expect a flame; when we put seeds into the earth, we trust that plants will grow. Dependency isn’t enslavement. I we’re diabetic and depend on daily insulin to regulate our blood sugar level, we don’t regard ourselves as weak. We’re grateful that the means exist to keep our disease in check. The same is true of Twelve Step programs for those of us who acknowledge our addictions. We can count on these meeting being here when we need them. We and count on the fact that if we follow the program, we will not have to depend on addictive substances and behaviors.


Today, my willingness to depend on this program gives me freedom.

[bluidkiti]

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 42 ----
Rest in natural great peace.
NYOSHUL KHENPO

Newcomer
I keep hearing people say that giving up the addiction itself is only the beginning of the process. Today, I’m feeling upset and downhearted. I don’t know if I can face the literature on the Steps yet.

Sponsor
As we prepare to continue on the path of the Steps, we can do an exercise that helps quite our mental agitation and gently begins to restore our sense of connection with positive forces in our lives. We start by finding a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down, with our spines straight but relaxed. We can close our eyes, if that helps us concentrate. We take several deeper, slower breaths. Then we take a few minutes to think of positive aspects of our lives. One by one, we make mental note of things we’re grateful for. If we can’t think of any, we begin with air, water, food, then wee what else occurs to us. As each blessing comes to mend, we picture it clearly and see ourselves benefiting from it. We breathe it in, and breathe out heart felt gratitude. This is an exercise we can do any time of the day or night, even in situations when we’re not alone. It need only take a few moments.

Cultivating gratitude can help change our belief that what lies ahead will be burdensome. When you’re ready to begin exploring the Steps, you may even feel the joy and excitement that accompany and adventure.


Today, I feel life’s richness and beauty. I let fill me.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----43 ----
When God wants to be what is not God, man comes to be.
KARL RAHNER

Newcomer
I listened to a long reading from the AA Big Book that was all about atheists and agnostics, and how, if they expect to stay in recovery, they have to recognize the evidence that God exists. I didn’t find the God argument very convincing. Sometimes I think that the program literature is incredibly illogical and old-fashioned.

Sponsor
Yes, there are days like that. I, too, have sat in meetings saying, “No,no,no” to everything that I heard said about God. Though I may resist certain ideas, it helps me to remember that this isn’t a debating society. I don’t have to agree with everything I hear, but I’m not in this program to make intellectual arguments against the existence of a Power greater than myself. The intellect I’m so proud of today neither prevented me form engaging in addictive behavior nor led me to recovery. I’m here to address my addiction, and my path is the path of my spirit.

Each of us knows what our won experience of a Higher Power is. We don’t find this Power through argument—our own or anyone else’s—but through going deep within. We know that when we entered recovery, we surrendered our heavy task of trying to be God. Our egos are no longer in charge.

Today, I don’t have to be my own Higher Power.

[MajestyJo]

The best thing I learned from my sponsor was, if you have recovery show it. Do not just tell the story, but tell the reality, and walk your talk.

That made the difference for me, I saw people doing what I had tried to do by myself for 8 years. They were even laughing, and I was not to sure if they laughing at me. Found out they were laughing with me, because they had been where I had been and could identify.

It was important to identify and not compare. The drug is only a symptom of my disease. The problem was me, and my dis-ease with myself, always looking outside of myself for something to make me feel better. It took many forms, but no matter what substance I picked up, it all lead to the same soul sickness.

i.e. Pills, alcohol, men, relationships, work, computer, reading, my bed was a big hiding place to isolate my soul and detach from everything and I could tell myself, I am just fine, and there was no one around to disagree with me.

I only tried street drugs twice. I was so sick, I resented that I had lost all the booze I had drank. I believe it was my God keeping me alive long enough to get to the doors of recovery. The thing was, I lived in the country, with very little access to drugs, but when it was presented to me, I took. I often think we are products of our environment.

All I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope, and it will help someone else stay clean and sober in today. It helps me to be here, and I sure missed that extra food for my body, mind, and spirit. Without you, there is ONLY me. Me alone with me, is bad company.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/religion-christian-cross/0073.gif

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 44 ----
The business of being human among other humans is holy business
CATHERINE MADSEN

Newcomer
I keep hearing that this isn’t a religious program. So why is the word “God” everywhere? It’s in the Steps, and I hear people use it when they share in meetings. When they say “HP,” doesn’t it mean the same thing? And then there’s all this prayer and “spiritual awakening” stuff. How can you say it isn’t religious?

Sponsor
There is a big difference between the religious and the spiritual. This is a spiritual program. When I see in Step Twelve the words “having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps,” I think, not of a voice from the mountaintop, but of the ways my spirit has come alive—how I’ve become capable of living in the here and now connected to my fellow human beings, conscious of so much I used to miss out on.

The program makes suggestions, not rules. There are no priests or rabbis, no prescribed beliefs, no blasphemies, no excommunication. “God as we understood Him” and “Higher Power” are terms meant to allow each of us his or her own understanding of the energy that sustains us. This program is not about what we believe, but about what actions we take—how we stay away from addictive substances, how we help others to stay on the path of recovery.

Today, I know that many things other than my own will are sustaining me.

I don’t have to be in charge of my own recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


----45----
First, I came. Then I came to. Then I came to believe.
SAYING HEARD AT A MEETING

Newcomer
Step Two begins, “We came to believe…” I’m uncomfortable with the idea that sooner or later I’m going to have to have the same belief in God that everyone else here has.

Sponsor
I’d be uncomfortable with that, too. Step Two isn’t about sticking around until your beliefs are similar to other’s beliefs. I can assure you that not everyone her shares the same spiritual beliefs or practices. Far from it.

I didn’t come her seeking to embrace a particular, prescribed belief, but I did come here seeking something. Addiction was in charge of my life. It had been a long time since I’d felt that I could truly believe in myself, in my connection with others. I was exhausted, scared, unhappy. Some people call this “rock bottom.” Some call it a spiritual crisis.

When I could admit that I wanted to stop my addictive behavior and that I hadn’t been able to stay stopped on my own, something changed. After coming to some meetings, I felt less alone, and I felt hope. I could look within myself and acknowledge that something in me wanted to live. The life spirit at the center of my existence was waking up. I wanted to be whole again.

In Step Two, we begin to accept that healing is possible, and that, in fact, it has begun.

Today, I look inward and see light and health.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


----46----

No one should have to dance backward all their lives.
JILL RUCKELSAUS

Newcomer
When I was active in my addiction, I often felt smart and strong. Now that I’m in recovery, I feel little and weak and depressed. I’m afraid I’m never going to feel like a full human being again.

Sponsor
Many of us have similar fears at the beginning of recovery. Back in the early days of being active, we were convinced that we had the key to living. There we behaviors we engaged in that lint us feelings of power and control. We may look back wistfully at those days when we felt stronger, smarter, more important. We wish we could have those feelings again, without paying the penalty.

But we need to remember the deprivation or panic we felt when we had to do without whatever magic “pill” we depended on to put us together each day. We can’t forget the times when addiction only made bad situations worse. We don’t want to repeat the crash we experienced when the drug or addictive behavior stopped being effective and our self-doubts came back.

Strength, intelligence, and competence don’t, in fact, depend on addictive substances and behaviors. They are ours. They are returning to us over time in recovery, and in much more dependable ways.

Today, my gifts are emerging into the light.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


----47----
One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises one makes.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

Newcomer
What’s the point of pretending that I’m giving up my drug of choice one day at a time, when I know I have to quit for the rest of my life? Isn’t it hypocritical?

Sponsor
There’s nothing hypocritical about living in the present moment. It’s an old and honored spiritual path. To be fully awake and alive in this day, using our senses to experience what’s going on right now, not avoiding our feelings, not playing games with our minds, is a profound achievement. Living in the future isn’t living; it’s keeping our minds so busy that we can’t be here. The role our addictions is escape; its opposite is living in the here and now.

At some time, we’ve probably promised ourselves or others that we were never again going to act our addictions. We weren’t able to keep these promises; in the past, we didn’t know how not to use.

Limiting our focus in recovery to a twenty-four-hour period makes the challenges we face seem more manageable. We can get through twenty-four hours, no matter what. At the end of it, we can rest. It doesn’t mean that we’ll forget all about recovery tomorrow—only that we are willing to live in recovery now.

Today, I commit to living this one day of recovery fully.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


----48----
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
BION

Newcomer
I hear people say, “This is a progressive disease,” and I understand that from my own experience. I did get progressively worse—I had my ups and downs over the years and hit what I now recognize as a bottom. But how can people say that the disease keeps progressing even when we’re in recovery? What does that mean?

Sponsor
Many relapse follow a predictable course: At first, we hang on to the illusion that control is now possible—a little time in recovery has proved that we don’t have to act out our addiction. We think we can behave like “normal”” people and “have a little” now and then. It may take only a few hours or days for this illusion to collapse, or it may take weeks or months; most of the stories we hear suggest that the return of active addiction comes quickly. Perhaps our “clean” system succumb more readily, perhaps our need to anesthetize the guilt of relapsing leads to stepping-up use, or perhaps we’re in rebellion against what we learned in recover: the “I’ll show them” reaction. The reasons seem less important than the fact that most people who relapse after a period of recovery find that they’ve gotten worse, not better, at handling the addiction. Though there’s no guarantee that someone who has had a relapse will find his or her way back, some do not return to recovery and share with us what they’ve learned.

Today, I cherish this chance at recovery, letting go of any need to test it.

[bluidkiti]

---- 49 ----
Body and Spirit are twins.
ALGERNON SWINBURNE

Newcomer
I want to be responsible, and I’m trying to clear up the paperwork and phone calls I’m behind in, and the messes I’ve made. But I can hardly sit still. I start felling a sensation of pressure in my chest and throat. I worry that I could be having a heart attack.


Sponsor
When I first entered recovery, I didn’t realize what a profound impact the substances I’d been using had had on my central nervous system. Cleansing my body of their effects, rebuilding my strength, and restoring balance took time. I was anxious all the time, and my nerves were shot. For me, a checkup by a medical professional familiar with the effects of addiction was reassuring and informative. In my case—and this was just for me—I needed nutritional supplements and regular exercise. But I still felt scared and sad a lot of the time.

Feelings are a part of life. We don’t have to “fix” them; they’re just feelings. They pass through us without harming us, if we let them. As we go through the work of early recovery, it’s not unusual for intense emotions to arise. They seem to flow more easily when we share them with others. If chores seem daunting, we can work on them a little bit at a time. It’s okay to ask for help.


My body, mind, and spirit are going through huge changes as I recover. Today, I share my feelings. I request and accept help.

[bluidkiti]

---- 50 ----
Faith needs her daily bread.
DINAH CRAIK

Newcomer
I still don’t feel very serene when I wake up in the morning. I start worrying as soon as I’m wake, usually about someone I’m afraid of or have resentment against. I guess I’m having trouble staying in the present.


Sponsor
You’re not alone in what you’re experiencing. Some of us describe morning anxiety as “the committee in my head” or “the disease.” I’ve heard people in early recovery say, “My disease gets up before I do; it’s already sitting at the foot of my bed when I open my eyes.”

Some of us make a program phone call first thing in the morning; even a few minutes’ talk with another recovering person can help put our morning fears in perspective and help us face the day with lightness. This works both ways: both the caller and the person called are nourished by the contact.

While we’re still in bed, we can gently stretch our bodies any way that feels comfortable, then take several slow, deep, complete breaths. We can begin our day by reading and meditating on a page of program literature or other spiritual literature that appeals to us. And we can spend a few moments in prayer. For many years now, I’ve begun my day offering thanks for the day and for all the day that have led to it. I turn over anything that worries me, affirming that my Higher Power will show me how to handle whatever the day offers.


Today, I center myself in prayer.

[bluidkiti]

-----51 ----
There are moments when everything goes well; don’t be frightened, it won’t last.
JULES RENARD

Newcomer
Yesterday, I had a pretty good day. I woke up feeling rested after a night’s sleep. The weather was just the way I like it. I enjoyed the food I ate. I finished the work I was supposed to do. I went to a meeting and was asked to share. It was a little bit like being in love.—with recovery! Today, nothing is going my way. I woke up late. I feel rushed and pressures. This weather depressed me. A good friend misunderstood everything I said. I showed up at a meeting, and nobody even said hello.


Sponsor
When I was active in my addiction, dramatic highs and lows were the pattern of my life. I needed my drug of choice to manage my moods. Even without it, I may continue to experience mood swings. Recovery doesn’t happen in a day, a week, a period of months; it’s a gradual, ongoing process. Just as consistent rest and good nutrition restore my body to health and balance over time, consistent use of the tools of the program helps put me on an even keel mentally and spiritually. As I maintain new, sober habits, the off days have less power to throw me. Sometimes I even remember to laugh at myself or to reach our and help another human being. We choose not to take self-prescribed mood changers today; cultivating a sense of humor and helping out at meeting are among the “legal” mood changers that work, when we remember to use them.



Today, I don’t expect to have it made. I accept the unique challenges of this day as if they were gifts. I am consistent in using the tools of recovery I’ve been given, no matter what.

[MajestyJo]

Love it. This too shall pass, the good and the not so good.

Had a hard time forgiving my human side. I felt like I shouldn't have given into it, and found out that Ms Perfection, Ms Rationalization, Ms. Intellectualize, and Ms. "I know it all, just ask me," doesn't make for good travelling companions on the recovery road.

[bluidkiti]

---- 52 ----
Living entirely turned in on oneself is like trying to play on a violin with slackened strings.
JACQUES LUSSEYRAN

Newcomer
I went to a meeting today feeling angry, rebellious, and bored. I hated sitting there, and I hardly listened. It was the round-robin kind of meeting where the discussion goes from person to person: you get to share without raising your hand. When it was my turn, I said how resentful and different I felt, how I hated everything about the program and didn’t think it could help me. People nodded, some laughed, and the speaker said, “We’ve all been there.” I felt relieved. Often, I don’t start feeling okay until almost the end of a meeting. I wish I didn’t have to keep going through this.


Sponsor
As an addicted person, I have a special talent for letting negative thoughts and feelings take over. It’s as if my mind were a balloon filled with heavy, dark stuff; left to my own devices, I keep blowing it bigger, filling it with more of the same. It takes another person, someone who lives outside of my mind, to prick the balloon and let my tired old thoughts escape. Suddenly, reality looks completely different. That’s one reason to get to some small meetings where we’re more likely to have a chance to share. And it’s always a good idea to stay through a whole meeting; in an hour, things can change! I’ve noticed that even when I share my most unacceptable feelings, people in recovery don’t reject me; when I tell the worst about myself, they listen and laugh. I love the laughter in meetings; it reminds me of how lucky we are to be alive again.


Today, it’s safe for me to risk getting close to other human beings by sharing honestly.

[bluidkiti]

---- 53 ----
The total person sings, not just the vocal chords.
ESTHER BRONER

Newcomer
Last night, I dreamed I had a slip. There I was, sneaking my addictive substance, in such a small quantity that it didn’t seem to matter. When I realized that I’d have to face people at a meeting, I thought, “I just won’t tell them; they’ll never know.” I woke up with my heart pounding. It seemed so real that at first I wasn’t sure it had been a dream.


Sponsor
Most of us have had dreams or fantasies of using, especially in early recovery. They’re useful as a source of information, like a letter from one part of the mind to another. They remind us of who we are: underneath conscious awareness is someone who wouldn’t mind going back to using and being sneaky and dishonest, who wouldn’t care if we died in the process. The good new is that this was a dream, that you woke up in recovery, and that you chose to share your discomfort. Acknowledging our negative thoughts robs them of their power over us. Dreaming of a relapse, and talking about it, may help keep us from having one.


Today, I am not in denial. Awareness of my addictive self strengthens my recovery.

[MajestyJo]

Thank you for these posts, I forget they are here, I started so many things, have trouble to get to them all.

Group Hugs, we all thank you for your dedication.

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQKSYS3zzyLr5lO7eKr70XAgWduqaLxj b6syRysXj9AusjVU1io

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin


----54----
Earth’s the right place for love.
ROBERT FROST

Newcomer
I have to get up early in the morning, so I don’t like hanging around after evening meetings. I always thank the speaker, but then I leave pretty quickly, so that I won’t get caught in one of those long, drawn-out conversations, miss out on sleep, and feel tired the next day. I do feel a little funny leaving, though, almost as if I’m sneaking out.

Sponsor
I wonder if you’re leaving early because you don’t have a second to spare, or for some other reason. There’s happy medium, somewhere between a long, drawn-out conversation and sneaking out. Saying hello, sharing some hugs or handshakes, exchanging phone numbers with someone we’d like to talk to later, or briefly joining the crew that’s putting away chairs are some of the simple ways of feeling more like a part of things.

For me, making genuine contact with my peers in recovery is essential. When I was in early recovery, I called myself “shy” or “too busy” when in truth I was wary of people, even somewhat frightened. I chose to sit at the edge of things, then blamed others for my belief that I was an outsider. Becoming willing to set limits, to say no confidently when I needed to, freed me to enjoy getting to know others.

To be at ease in a group of people doesn’t always come naturally, but it’s one of the most important areas of recovery.

Today, I make good use of time by reaching out to people.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin


----55----
Your misery can always be refunded
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
I heard some say, “Recovery ruins your drinking.” What does that mean?

Sponsor
From our first day in recovery, we know that there is an alternative to our suffering. We may choose to ignore that knowledge, but we can’t entirely erase it. We can’t convince ourselves that we can safely go back to what we’ve done in the past. The recovering part of us just won’t buy it.

We’ve changed many things about our lives. We go to meetings, call sponsors, show up for work and for situations involving others. We read literature we hadn’t even heard of a short time ago, and we talk openly to people who, until recently, were complete strangers to us. We’re examining our lives, challenging every belief and value we previously held.

All this change is knowledge. If we return to an addictive substance or behavior after a period of recovery, we do so knowing that we’re acting out our addictions. We can’t sustain our denial; we know that we’re risking our lives and hurting others. And we know that there are people sitting in meetings, giving each other mutual support, facing the same addiction. It’s hard to pretend that acting on the addiction instead of treating it gives us lasting pleasure or security.

Today, I’m living in the solution, not in the problem.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin


----56----
Things are in the saddle, and ride mankind.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Newcomer
I have a life, not just this program. Work deadlines, family obligations, bills, things I have to get done. I have a lot of responsibility, and it isn’t going to go away just because I’m in recovery. And now I have all these new things I’m supposed to do: meetings, phone calls, literature, Steps. I desperately need some time off to catch up with my real life.

Sponsor
When I was active in my disease, time was my enemy. Sometimes I let obligations slide until a situation felt desperate. Sometimes I threw myself into my duties, worked without stopping, then burned out. Recovery offers me a simple way to deal with responsibilities: on day at a time.

Maintaining recovery by attending a meeting, making a call, and reading literature-things we do to stay sober today—takes less time than the hours we spent pursuing our addictions, indulging in them, being slowed down or stopped by them. Working on things consistently, even just a little each day, produces results in all areas of life. I no longer resent time for recovery, any more that I resent the need for food and sleep. When we take time to recharge our batteries, we renew energy for the chores of our lives, become more focused and productive. In this way, surprisingly, our recovery actually gives us time.

Nothing’s so urgent that I can’t sit through a meeting, talk to my sponsor, or take a moment to pray. As I nourish my recovering self, I have more to offer work and relationship. Today, time is on my side.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin


----57----
Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.
ALBERT CAMUS

Newcomer
This thing of having to go to meetings all the time—I feel as if I’m substituting a whole new addiction for the old one.

Sponsor
Like you, I depend on the tools of the program. I have habits (attending meetings, reading program literature, offering service, praying and meditating) that have replaced many habits of my actively addicted years. I wouldn’t want to have to live without my new habits. By maintaining our healthy sobriety, we are treating a disease, not acquiring another one.

When we were using, we were far from free. Substances and behaviors that threatened our lives and serenity were in charge. Today, once we choose to take the simple steps that support recovery and healing we have lives in which we can make independent and worthy choices.

Today, I know the difference between healthful habits and addictions.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

----58----
Who may regret what was, since it has made himself, himself?
JOHN FREEMAN

Newcomer
I’m tormented when I think of all the time I wasted, the wrong decisions I made. I’ll never get back the missed opportunities. I feel as if I’ve procrastinated my life away.

Sponsor
It took years to get her; why should everything clear up overnight? The willingness that you are bringing to your recovery right now is a precious asset. Give yourself some pats on the back for the new life you are living today. Recovery challenges every former idea, habit, and value. Each time you say no to an addictive substance or behavior—each time you ask for help—you’re building a new self.

In time, through taking the actions suggested by the Twelve Steps, you’ll arrive at a place in which it will be less discouraging to look at the past. You’ll begin to appreciate the strengths your past life has given you and see ways to clear the clogged channels. Meanwhile, here’s a suggestion: make at least one of the meetings you go to regularly a Step meeting. It will familiarize you with the program and help you prepare to take the Steps when you’re ready. In time, what seems impossible today will become possible.

I am grateful for this day, and for all the days that led me to it. I trust the process of recovery.

[bluidkiti]

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

----59----
Delay is preferable to error.
THOMAS JEFFERSON

Newcomer
I don’t trust my ability to stay with anything for long time. I’ve been so inconsistent in the past. I have the feeling that eventually I’ll get sick of all of my good new hapbits an go back to where I was before.

Sponsor
What happened to “One day at a time”? We’re not required to deal with tomorrow’s recovery right now. For the next twenty-four hours, any one of us can avoid picking up our drug of choice. That’s all we have to do, and just by doing it, we’re doing it perfectly.

Self-trust is a new habit that may not have put down deep roots in us yet. We’re still close to the days when the only way we knew of taking care of ourselves was to use our addictions. It’s important to remember that we are not the same people we used to be. We’re in the process of forming new habits—meetings, literature, sharing, service—that are as powerful as the old ones. If we begin drifting a little from our new habits, we notice the difference in how we’re feeling and can return to doing what worked. Every day in recovery adds to the store of sober experiences on which we can draw.

Today, I am the person I’ve wanted to be.

[bluidkiti]

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin


----60----
God is a circle whose circumference is nowhere and whose center is everywhere.
NICOLAUS CUSANUS

Newcomer
How can I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? I used to pray a lot, but it didn’t work. Look what happened to me!

Sponsor
Yes, it’s an excellent idea to look at what did happen to us. There was a progression of events, inner or outer, that led to greater and greater discomfort. At last, living in active addiction became intolerable. Something within us wanted to surrender—and now, however long it took us, we are in recovery. Something in us must have wanted to choose life, not death.

In recovery, we can embrace and nurture the part of ourselves that is aligned with Spirit. The sanity we’re rediscovering in ourselves includes acceptance of our human limitations, letting go of results we can’t control. We can let go of praying for things to happen exactly as we want, on our timetable. We can begin to be open to the miracles all around us.

My life was given to me as a gift, and now I’ve been given the gift all over again. I have a choice of what to do with it. Should I blame my Higher Power for the fact that it took me so long to get here? Or should I greet the Spirit within me and say, “Welcome! I’ve been waiting. I’m glad you finally came home.”

Whatever happened today offers me opportunities to deepen my relationship with my soul.

[bluidkiti]

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin


----61----
Anyone can get sober…
The trick is to stay and to live sober.


LIVING SOBER

Newcomer
At one meeting someone mentioned having had a slip. He had been back in recovery for three days. No one criticized him; in fact, everyone applauded. To be honest, it makes me think about seeing what it would be like to have a few drinks or a drug again, just for a day or a weekend.

Sponsor
Over the years, I’ve watched people come and go in recovery. I’ve been grateful to the people who relapse and were lucky enough to come back and share their experiences. They taught me a lot by talking about how their disease had continued progressing even when they weren’t active in it, and about how much more quickly their misery had returned this time. I’m grateful to them for having had the slip for me; now I don’t have to risk it. There’s a danger in going back out to experiment with controlled using; few who leave ever make it back. This is a life-threatening disease. People like us, who depend on using an addictive substance, can die from it. We understand the seriousness of our addictions and have no need to test recovery by trying to use “safely.”

Today, I want life—all of it. I embrace my recovery; I stick close to those who know how to stay stopped.

[bluidkiti]

---- 62 ----
My way is to begin with the beginning.
GEORGE GORDON, LORD BYRON

Newcomer
Things have been going badly for me ever since I got up. This has been one of my worst days in recovery.


Sponsor
Recovery shows us that we’re free to start the day over anytime we like, morning, noon, or night. Sometimes I say to myself, “I’ve gotten through the past twenty-four hours without acting on my addiction. This moment I’m beginning a new twenty-four-hour period. I’m starting my day right now.”

Then, no matter where I happen to be, I take a few minutes to do some of the things that usually help me. I pray for the willingness to do whatever is necessary to stay in recovery. If possible, I read a page of program literature or make a phone call, and plan to attend a meeting as soon as there’s one I can get to. I take several slow, deep breaths. I treat myself with gentleness.

Whatever we’re able to do today is enough. If we haven’t picked up our addictions, we participated in a miracle.


With the help of my Higher Power, I’m getting through whatever this day brings.

[bluidkiti]

-----63 ----
I’ve been inside institutions, my family…
SUSAN GRIFFIN

Newcomer
There are some people at meetings who start their sharing by saying, “Hello, Family.” It sounds phony to me—do they really mean it? I don’t think I’ll ever really be a part of this community. It certainly doesn’t feel like a family to me.


Sponsor
I can understand your shying away from the word “family.” Our first addictive responses may have occurred when we were lining with our family of origin. Some of us are angry at the kind of nurturing we received. Some of us wish we could help family members who need recovery; we feel disturbed at our inability to make that happen. Resentment, fear, shame, powerlessness, and a host of other feelings may surface in connection with our families.

We may not yet be willing to call others in recovery our “family.” We’re not required to. But we do need each other’s stories, service, and recovery. In time, our mistrust lessens, if we keep showing up and working the program. We may even begin to sense that we are members of a community.


Today, I depend on a group of people in recovery to keep coming back and sharing. I depend on myself, too, to participate in this process with others.

[bluidkiti]

---- 64 ----
Someone else’s legs do you no good in traveling.
NIGERIAN PROVERB

Newcomer
I went over to offer help to someone at a meeting; she’d been sharing about a problem I thought I knew something about. She was chilly and asked me not to intrude. I felt pretty hurt.


Sponsor
Many of us drank or drugged in a controlled, calculated fashion. The desire to maintain the illusion of control over the uncontrollable may have come with us into recovery. We may be “people-pleasers,” overly helpful or compliant, trying to take care of others, attempting to manipulate them to like and care of us. Eager to come to the rescue, we may have trouble minding our own business. We may wan to have the answer to other people’s problems—it’s a great distraction from our own. We may be quickly to offer unasked-for advice, rather than sit with the feelings that another person’s pain has awakened in us.


Today, I listen to my own and other people’s feelings. I don’t try to fix anyone, even myself.

[bluidkiti]

---- 65-----
The place I really have to reach is where I must already be.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN

Newcomer
I heard someone share that she’d always thought of smoking marijuana as her big, secret problem. Once she stopped smoking pot, it didn’t take long for her to recognize that alcohol was another problem, in fact the major one. Now, in addition to A.A., she goes meeting for overeaters, and she says she also has problems with codependency. What should I make of all this? I think I may have more than one addiction; should I be going to another program, too? Am I going to spend the rest of my life just going from meeting to meeting?


Sponsor
I don’t blame you for feeling upset at the thought of a lifetime of nothing but program hopping. Who wouldn’t? Many of us do have multiple addictions. Everyone’s story is different. Some cross-addicted people find the tools and principles of one primary program sufficient for dealing with whatever addiction is sure come up for them. Others gratefully avail themselves of the abundance of specialized programs of recovery.

Whichever we decide, most of us need a solid foundation in sobriety before considering a second program. Today, you’re right where you should be, establishing a sober routine. That’s a big change in itself, and it’s bringing about still more changes. For now, why not keep your focus on staying with what you’ve begun so well. In time, more will be revealed.


Today, I take the time I need to strengthen the roots of my recovery. I choose to branch out in new directions when it is clearly appropriate.

[bluidkiti]

---- 66 ----
The difficulty in life is the choice.
GEORGE MOORE

Newcomer
I’m confused. Should I spend the evening with my old friends? I haven’t told them I’m in this program yet; I’m afraid that they won’t understand. They may tell me that I don’t really have a problem. I don’t want to have to cut off my ties to all my friends just because they’re not in this program.


Sponsor
Decisions, decisions—what freedom! What adventure! When I was active in my addiction, I didn’t have the luxury of making up my mind; my addiction was in charge. Today, how do I reconcile the suggestion to avoid people, places, and things that once led to using with the fact that I have some old friends who genuinely care for me and with whom I want to stay in touch? In trying to make a hard decision, I first ask myself honestly whether my choice will take me closer to my addiction or further from it. If I elect to spend time with nonprogram people, I feel free to excuse myself to use the phone, to check in with my sponsor or a recovering friend. I make sure that I have my own transportation, and I leave when I’m ready. When you’ve had more experience and are more sure of your recovery, you may decide to share some of your recovery story with old friends—or you may not! The choice is always yours.


Whatever else I do, I stay close to meetings and recovering people. I choose nonaddictive way to celebrate being alive.

[bluidkiti]

-----67 ----
Chance everywhere has power.
OVID

Newcomer
I heard someone say the other day that “coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” Am I really supposed to believe that God is involved in every insignificant piece of luck I have? It’s a bit much for me to believe that my Higher Power is interested in whether or not I get a good parking space. And what about the days when everything isn’t going my way?



Sponsor
Some people experience coincidences evidence that our live are in the hands of a loving God, and some se good or back luck simple as part of the randomness of events. Maintaining good recovery doesn’t require that we take a stand on this subject!

There’s another way of thinking about seemingly chance happenings: Wherever they come from, whatever else they are, coincidences are sober opportunities. When I bump into someone I’ve been thinking about making amends to, I have an opportunity to do it on the spot, and I don’t pass it up. When I’ve been avoiding taking one particular Step and find myself at a meeting where that very Step is being discussed, I have a chance to let go of my resistance then and there.

What we call coincidence involves a meeting of events with our own awakened spirit. In recovery, we often see opening for taking action and for feeling gratitude—opportunities that we would have missed if we were still active in our addictions.

[bluidkiti]

---- 68 ----
Anything done with focus, awareness, or mindfulness is a mediation.
DAVID HARP

Newcomer
I hear people talk about meditating, but I don’t seem to know how. When I try sitting still, my mind wanders, or I fall asleep. I just don’t get it.


Sponsor
Even in recovery, we have an endless capacity for being confused. There are literally dozens of different approaches to meditation and many books and classes that teach them. Some forms of meditation come out of ancient traditions, some are religious, and some are just methods of realization. You can practice meditation alone or with others, in silence or chanting, sitting or walking. Even cleaning house can be a form of meditation!

Over time, I’ve found a simple approach to meditation that fees natural and right for me. If you’d like to try it, here’s how. Take three to five minutes for time out to sit quietly, without distractions. Scan your body and mind, and let go of any tensions you notice. Breathe naturally, and pay attention to what that feels like. Whatever thoughts or sensations arise, don’t make yourself wrong for having them. Afterward, you may notice that you feel calm and refreshed.


Whatever I choose to do today, I practice doing it with ease and pleasure. I keep it simple. I don’t judge my progress.

[bluidkiti]

-----69 ----
The door must either be shut or be open.
OLIVER GOLDSMITH
Newcomer
Step Three beings with the words “Made a decision…” Sometimes I wonder whether I did make a decision to come here. I felt desperate; there really wasn’t any choice.

Sponsor
Many of us have felt the desperation you speak of and saw this program as our last chance. Some of us came here to placate another person, to help a friend we thought needed recovery, or because a court of law required us to. Some of us came here with willingness and eager curiosity; we sensed that we were “home” right from the beginning. Others were reluctant and skeptical. Though each of us had to make a conscious decision to come to a meeting, it may feel as if something more than our own intentions got us here.

Now that we’re here, we still have to make the decision to stay sober. We can elect to embrace recovery, or we can reject it and turn ourselves back over to addiction. We pray each day for the courage to remain in recovery. No one can force us to choose life and love, but it’s here, if we have the willingness to choose it.


Today, it’s easy and natural to make decisions that support my recovery.

[bluidkiti]

---- 70 ----
What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?
GEORGE ELIOT
Newcomer
When I hear, in Step Three, “turn our will and our lives over to the care of God,” my hackles go up. I want to lead a free, independent life. I don’t want to give up my ability to think and to make my own decision.

Sponsor
Step Three doesn’t ask us to give up our ability to think or to make choices, but rather to trust in the existence of love and caring. When we were active in our addiction, we tried to care for ourselves with a substance or behavior that may have helped us at first, but eventually failed us. In recovery, we become open to choosing more dependable ways of living and caring for ourselves. To prepare for Step Three, it’s useful to make a list of some of the many things that support and nurture us each day.

We find love an nourishment in helping and accepting help from other recovering addicts, in the dependability of meetings and program principles, in the people we meet on our path who put more light in our day. Music, exercise, creativity, laughter, meditation, prayer, tuning in to nature’s rhythms, noticing the miracle of our own breathing and our bodies’ capacity to heal—there is food for our spirits everywhere, if we are willing to be fed. In recovery, we come to know ourselves as whole human beings, better able to think for ourselves and make our own decisions, while sensing the loving support of something greater than our separate selves.


Today, I am willing to open myself to the abundance of love and care that recovery offers me.

[bluidkiti]

---- 71 ----
A beginning, even the smallest, is all that is needed.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS
Newcomer
I don’t have much faith in anything. How can I possible take Step Three, turn my will and my life over to the care of God—even “God as we understood Him” –when I’m having so much difficulty believing and trusting? Where do you people get your faith? Is it for real?

Sponsor
You’re not alone in thinking you lack faith; many of us entered recovery feeling that way. But, in fact, we do have faith, even if we ourselves can’t see it yet: faith that this program can help us with the problem of our addictions.

Our willingness to try recovery is a significant beginning. By showing up, we’ve begun to take Step Three. Whatever our creed, or our refusal to embrace one, we do have the willingness to try this program. What eventually may come from this beginning is not something we have to worry about. The actions we take today are all we need concern ourselves with. In the present, our willingness to follow the program frees us from having to depend on an addiction.

[bluidkiti]

---- 72 ----
It is improper for us to stoop in order to please.
JEAN PAUL SARTRE
Newcomer
I used to be arrogant about everything. I always had to be right. I constantly feared that people were trying to take advantage of me. Now I listen to others, take suggestions, and try to be helpful. I’m constantly being guided by others people—I guess I’ve turned my will over.

Sponsor
Turning our will and our lives over to the care of another human being may not be such a good idea. Sponsors, therapists, doctors, teachers, people practicing Twelve Step recovery—any of them may give us useful guidance, but they are all human. We can listen to what they have to say, keeping an open mind. But people in recovery don’t automatically get wisdom or sainthood conferred on them. People aren’t perfect, and they couldn’t possibly all know what’s best for us; otherwise they’d all agree.

As we accumulate sober experience, we get better at trusting our own instincts, something that may have been a source of danger when we were active in our addictions. We learn from experience what’s good for us, what nourishes us and brings us peace and joy.

It’s not a spiritually sound practice to turn people, even those we respect and love, into our Higher Power. “Turning it over” includes trusting our inner guidance, acting responsibly, and accepting that we can’t control outcomes.

Today, I look within and trust my truth.

[bluidkiti]

-----73 ----

We should pray as if everything depended upon God, and act as if everything depended upon us.
ABRAHAM JOSHUA HESCHEL

Newcomer
I hear so much about “letting go.” But there are serious situations going on in my life that I can’t ignore. Am I supposed to assume that things will get better on their own if I just let go?

Sponsor
The phrase “letting go,” as it’s used in the program, doesn’t mean ignoring problematic situations, reneging on commitments, or repressing feelings. On the contrary, recovery makes it possible for us to take the responsible actions we feared and avoided when we were active in our addictions.

“Letting go” challenges our illusion that we’re in control of the universe, but it doesn’t suggest that we do nothing. There’s a difference between acting responsibly and thinking we’re in charge of how things turn out. We’re responsible only for the actions we choose to take, not the outcomes. When we take an action that we know to be right, we change ourselves in the process. The effect on others is out of our hands. We don’t have power to change other people. Nor can we change the past. Letting go means accepting our human limitations. It’s great relief to know that we’re neither the cause nor the cure for most problems.

[bluidkiti]

---- 74 ----
I am years gone from my family, and miles away.
JERROLD MUNDIS
Newcomer
I keep hearing that recovery is a bridge back to life, but I don’t think that I’ll ever have a decent relationship with my family. I called a family member on the phone last night and said that I was in recovery. I got such a skeptical response. It’s always the same story: no matter what I do, I can’t please these people.

Sponsor
It takes time to build a feeling of centeredness and self-worth. In the early days of my recovery, my sense of self was easily shattered by a word or look that confirmed my old belief that I didn’t deserve much. I had to practice “Easy does it,” especially with family members. I decided to keep family interactions light, for the time being. I mad program calls just before and just after any call I made to my family. In time, I had enough self-esteem to face emotionally charged situations without threatening my recovery.

What have the responsibility to protect our new recovery by keeping some distance between ourselves and the people, places, and things that we drank or drugged or acted out over. And we have the opportunity to build self-esteem by participating in meetings. We can start simply: show up, help make coffee, set up chairs, empty ashtrays. We can listen, raise our hands to share, thank the speaker, say hello to another newcomer. Giving service, no matter how small the action, builds feelings of usefulness and self-respect.


Today, my thoughts and energy go into self-esteem, not self-rejection. I show up for my life. I deserve to surround myself with the love that is in the program.

[bluidkiti]

-----75 ----
Falling in love…is as much a drug as any that people swallow, snort, smoke, or shoot.
ANDREW WEIL
Newcomer
I’m attracted to another newcomer who goes to some of the meetings I go to. I can’t help it; I just can’t get this person out of my mind. My heart pounds when we’re in the same room, and I can barely concentrate.

Sponsor
More than once in early recovery, I became intensely preoccupied with thoughts of another person. In each case it was someone I didn’t know well, but felt attracted to. Like you, I could hardly think about anything else. Though I was certainly distracted, I stayed sober. I went to lots of meetings—not always for the best reasons! These intense romantic preoccupations were something I have since learned to call obsession. Obsession doesn’t have much in common with the process of getting to know others and letting them get to know me.

We can learn something about ourselves by paying attention when an obsession starts taking over our mental space. Is some feeling—anger, fear, or sadness, for example—making us uncomfortable? Obsession can function to keep us “safe” from the present reality. Our addictions served the same function when we were active.


Today, I practice staying in the moment. I reach out to other newcomer in the spirit of friendship.

[bluidkiti]

---- 76 ----
The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.
JOAN BAEZ
Newcomer
Where were you yesterday? I called you at nine in the morning and eleven at night; both times I got your answering machine and left a message. I know you’re a busy person, but I thought that people in this program would at least have the courtesy to return my calls.

Sponsor
I did have a busy day yesterday; I missed talking with you. This is going to happen once in a while, so I’m glad that you have other phone numbers and a meeting list.

When I was newly recovering, my motto was “I want what I want when I want it!” Sometimes my sponsor wasn’t available instantly and had to call me back later; sometimes she said things I didn’t want to hear at all. When my response was to withdraw—to stop calling, or miss meetings so I wouldn’t have to see her-I closed the door to healing. But when I could summon the courage to say, “I feel hurt, I feel angry, I’m afraid to trust you!” we could talk about what was going and reason things out together.

Thank you for letting me hear how upset you were that our routine was disrupted; it’s an important part of the work you are doing in recovery. I won’t always be able to give you what you want when you want it, but I do respect your feelings.


Today, I have the courage to call my sponsor, even though I may have thoughts or feelings I’d prefer to ignore. I keep the line of communication open.

[bluidkiti]

---- 77 ----
For a girl without a self, I was pretty stubborn.
ELEANOR ANTIN
Newcomer
I feel good today. Thank God I’ve got my willpower back again. I’ve seen the light: I just have to be strong and stay away from addictive substances.

Sponsor
I prefer the word “willingness” to “willpower.” For me, willpower means forcing myself to do something disagreeable and self-depriving because someone else thinks I should. The trouble with relying on willpower—for me—is that I’m still a rebel in my heart of hearts. Give me something to rebel against, and, it time, I will. Though I may feel guilty when I break the rules, my rebelling somehow comforts me: It’s familiar. It lets me feel like my old self. It lets me say, “This is me, whether they like it or not!”

Willingness, on the other hand, means making a free, open choice to let in the message of recovery. It doesn’t mean always having to be strong. It doesn’t mean having to have all the answers. If we have willingness, we can show up at meetings, listen, and feel supported by the presence of other recovering people and by the laughter in the room. We can grow in recovery through practicing the program and participating in the fellowship.


For today, I don’t try to be strong. I go easy on myself by attending a meeting where I can relax and be myself. I enjoy listening to others share their experience.

[bluidkiti]

---- 78 ----
I still have my days when I have trouble, and I have to sit down and think about how far I’ve come.
WOMAN IN RECOVERY
Newcomer
I’m overwhelmed again. There’s so much that I should get done today, so much ahead that scares me. I feel sick and indecisive. I’ve heard the slogan “First things first,” but I don’t know where to begin.

Sponsor
First, I suggest that you give yourself some credit for what you’ve already accomplished today. Yes, you have accomplished something. Here you are, awake: you’ve started another day of your new life in recovery. You know that no matter what happens today, you don’t have to use an addictive substance. You’re identifying some feelings and reaching out for help. All this is significantly different from old patterns of behavior.

“First things first” is a reminder that we can set priorities. The first priority for every single one of us in recovery is not picking up an addictive substance. Without recovery, none of the other things in our lives will have much chance to come to fruition. We have to save our lives first. If we need meetings, phone calls, or prayer to keep from losing recovery, we put those needs at the top of our list. Then we can sort out the rest and list things in order of importance.


Today, I celebrate how far I’ve come. I set priorities and keep recovery at the top of my list. I take small actions that get me closer to my goals.

[bluidkiti]

-----79 ----
The flower must drink the nature of the soil before it can put forth its blossoming.
JOHN KEATS
Newcomer
I’ve had to cut back on meetings lately, because my life is so full. There’s so much to do, so much lost time to make up for. And the meetings are repetitive; I feel as if I can predict in advance what’s going to happen there.

Sponsor
It’s natural to experience fluctuation in our enthusiasm for sober routines; there are ups and downs in any relationship. At times, meetings seem like something “they” are requiring me to do, rather than something I’ve chosen. When I’m sitting there, I don’t always pay close attention. I may feel irritated by a personality, bored hearing something I think I already know, or too distracted by my thoughts to focus on principles. But I keep going anyway, and the meetings—as if by magic—get better. Suddenly, I hear exactly what I need to hear. I suspect that the problem isn’t so much with meetings ass with my attitude.

By attending meetings and making calls consistently—not just when we feel desperate—we keep the lines of communication open. That way we maintain a basis of support for ourselves and others; we can count on its being there when we it most.


I have a life now, and I am responsible for it. Today, the decision I make to maintain my recovery is my own decision. Establishing a sober routine and sticking to it is a tool for maintaining that life.

[bluidkiti]

---- 80 ----
We feel and know that we are eternal.
BARUCH SPINOZA
Newcomer
I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed. My mind is tormenting me. I could hardly sit still at the meeting I went to. How am I going to get through the rest of the day?

Sponsor
When I’m anxious, I seem to forget to breathe properly, so let’s bring our attention to our breathing, and inhale and exhale gently but deeply. Let’s breathe in a way that feels natural, not holding our breath at any point, so that the inhalation continues naturally into the exhalation. Let’s visualize bringing breath onto the belly, as if we were breathing in and out through the navel.

As thoughts and distractions come into the mind, we notice that they’re there, but we don’t worry about them. We let them keep flowing out gently and easily, like the breath.

For these moments, there is nowhere else we have to be, nothing at all that we have to do. The past no longer exists. The future hasn’t been born yet. We are here in this moment. Our bodies are breathing for us. Body and mind are one. There is only the present moment.

After our brief meditation, we feel centered and energized. We can use this technique to lower our stress levels whenever we wish.


Today, I gently bring myself into the present moment. I remember to breath.

[bluidkiti]

-----81 ----
Put some gratitude in your attitude.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS
Newcomer
Often I hear someone say, “I’m so grateful” or “I’m a grateful recovering (whatever they say).” I don’t understand. How can a person be grateful for alcoholism, compulsive overeating, codependency, or whatever has ruined his or her life?

Sponsor
I could not have begun this process we call recovery before knowing and accepting the fact that I have a disease. Lots of people out there die without ever hearing how we can stop the behavior that’s killing us. Others have to suffer even longer than I did. I’m grateful that I finally hit bottom and became willing to do something about it. I’m grateful that recovery has given me a way of life that brings me freedom and self-esteem. I’m grateful to be here, awake, showing up for my life. I’m grateful for so-called little things I rarely noticed or thought about when I was active in my addiction—a bird, a flower, a smile.

Gratitude is a spiritual tool. I can choose to pick it up; I can cultivate the habit of using it.


Today, I cultivate gratitude.

[bluidkiti]

---- 82 ----
My giant goes with me wherever I go.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Newcomer
This town is full of memories I’d like to get away from. I haven’t had a change of scenery for al long time, and I’m thinking about a move. The job situation is supposed to be a lot better on the other side of the country, and I think I’d like the climate better there, too.

Sponsor
Understandably, some of us yearn to make dramatic changes in our other lives, now that we’ve made such a big inner change. We’re living without substances we depended on for so long, and we may suddenly feel freer—we may want to change everything as fast as possible. In my early recovery, it scared me to think of facing problems my addiction had caused at work and home, especially in relationships with people. I dreamed of starting a new, problem-free life somewhere else—a “geographic cure.” Luckily, I accepted the suggestion that we not make major changes during the first year of recovery.

There can be freedom in not making a change. Without the stress of an unnecessary move, or a major work or relationship change, I could jump into recovery with both feet. It helped me to get to know myself better, to get clear about my motives and readiness for change.

We can live rich, fulfilling lives; no one’s stopping us. Giving ourselves time at first to concentrate on the basics of recovery provides us with solid basis for moving on in our lives.


Recovery is a bridge back to life; today, I work on making the foundations strong.

[bluidkiti]

---- 83 ----
This is a simple program for complicated people.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS
Newcomer
I heard a speaker with years in recovery share that she’d always done it her own way—the she met friends at bars if she felt like it, had never had a sponsor, and sometimes went for months without a meeting. I know newcomers who’ve done similar things. What’s the big deal?

Sponsor
Some people in recovery cling to rebellion. While they don’t want to return to the horrors of active addictions, they aren’t willing to surrender what they think of as individualism. They “get away with” skipping Steps and ignoring suggestions. One helps out at meeting, but keeps booze in the house. One gives advice to newcomers, but goes unsponsored.

The program doesn’t ask that we give up what truly make each of us an individual. I t offers us clear guidelines, and promises that if we follow them, we won’t have to risk a relapse. The program works for us, if we work it. Testing our recovery by trying to see what we can “get away with” is like playing a game of Russian roulette.


Today, I feel safety and strength as I follow the principles of this program. I know that rue individuality come from the self-knowledge that recovery affords me.

[bluidkiti]

---- 84 ----
Anticipate the good so that you may enjoy it.
ETHIOPIAN PROVERB
Newcomer
I’m getter closer to ninety days—I’m in the eighties now. I’m excited. It’s a miracle that I’ve been able to stay in recovery without interruption for this long. But I feel worried, too—or maybe I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m feeling!

Sponsor
“Anniversary anxiety” is something many of us experience in recovery. For the preceding days or weeks, we’re aware of the upcoming anniversary and its implications. We may anticipate speaking at a meeting or celebrating with recovering friends. Will we measure up to their expectations? To our own?

Perhaps we’ve been sharing our day count and enjoying the applause. As we approach ninety days, we may be afraid we’ll became “invisible” at meetings. Depending on local program and group customs, we may be eligible to chair meetings. Are we going to have to handle more responsibilities than we feel ready for? The day of the anniversary itself, and the days following it, may be a setup for feeling as if we’ve graduated or won an athletic event. We may be afraid that recovery will disappoint us, once the cheering dies down.

It helps to know that this phenomenon is a common one. If you’re experiencing it, one of the best antidotes is to share your concerns, both at meeting and with a sponsor. We’ve been there.


Today, I use the same tools of recovery that worked in the very beginning: meetings, sharing, reading recovery literature, prayer. They work.

[bluidkiti]

-----85 ----
I think even lying on my bed I can still do something
DOROTHEA DIX
Newcomer
I’m not doing well with meditation. I tried going to a class, and I got fidgety after ten or fifteen minutes. I tried paying attention to my breath, but my back hurt, I was nervous and distracted and I kept thing how badly I wanted to leave. Forget about doing it at home—I can sit for five minutes, then I have to get up. How do people endure all-day mediations?

Sponsor
You may not be ready for long sessions of sitting meditation. For a beginner, even fifteen minutes may be too long. If you sense that the form of meditation you have tried is the one you’re best suited to, you might consider starting with brief sessions, as little as three to five minutes. After a few weeks, you may want to try adding another minute or two. You can work up to fifteen minutes gradually, over a long period of time, and then see whether you wish to add a bit more or not. Surprisingly, the key is knowing when to stop.

When something makes me anxious, I limit the amount of time I do it. I may have the willingness to do something for a few minutes every day that would frighten me for half an hour once a week. Lengthening the time little by little, being sure that I don’t exceed the time limit I’ve set for the day, allows me to increase my tolerance gradually.

If sitting continues to be daunting for you, you may want to consider exploring form of meditation that include walking or chanting.


Today, I do not judge my rate of progress. I take one small step on my spiritual journey.

[bluidkiti]

---- 86 ----
Before a secret is told, one can often feel the weight of it in the atmosphere.
SUSAN GRIFFIN
Newcomer
When I had a wisdom tooth pulled a few days ago, the dentist gave me a medication that contains codeine. I’ve heard people at meeting say they take their doctor’s prescriptions, so I knew it was okay to use it if necessary. As it turned out, I didn’t need to take any—the pain wasn’t that bad. I don’t know why, but I kept the pills. They’re still in my medicine cabinet. Codeine isn’t something I ever took when I was active.

Sponsor
You’re right in thinking that you are in danger area here. I recommend that you throw out the medication right now, and I don’t mean just tossing in into the wastebasket. Flush the pills down the toilet, or put them in a rubbish bag and take it out of your home; I’ll wait here while you do it.

There are medical reasons to use some drugs as prescribed. It’s when we prescribe for ourselves, or start imagining pains to justify unnecessary does, that we’re in trouble. We can let the doctor know that we have a history of abusing substances and that it may cause us problem to take home more pills than we’re likely to need. Knowing this, he or she may prescribe non-additive medicines when there is a choice.

Even if our use of pain killers is legitimate, sharing with a sponsor or at a meeting the fact that we have prescribed medicines in our possession is a good idea. If it’s not a secret, it may seem less compelling to us.


Today, I don’t have to have secrets. I stay on the recovery path by sharing feelings and events that might otherwise threaten my serenity.

[bluidkiti]

---- 87 ----
Bring the body, and the mind will follow.
SAYING HEARD IN MEETINGS
Newcomer
What do people in recovery mean when they say they have “smart feet”?

Sponsor
In recovery, we develop daily habits that we don’t question: the habit of attending meeting, the habit of picking up the telephone to call a sponsor or to share with another recovering person, the habit of starting and ending the day with our preferred combination of prayer, literature, and meditation. We do these things whether we feel like doing them or not, and in time they become second nature to us, automatic as our addictive behavior was in the past. If we don’t have to discuss these habits with ourselves, argue about whether or not they’ll make us feel better, or question whether we’ve outgrown them, our burden is lighter.

Once we’re at a meeting or sharing with another recovering person or with our Higher Power, the unexpected happens. We’re lifted out of the tyranny of addictive thinking. “Smart feet” are feet that carry us to a place we need to be, whether we know it ahead of time or not.


Today, I’m grateful for simple habits that open my heart and mind to recovery.

[bluidkiti]

-----88 ----
The best things in life are not things.
ANN LANDERS
Newcomer
Style has always mattered to me. When I was active, I felt scorn for people who had no taste or flair. I know there’s arrogance in that, but some part of me still loves glamour and doesn’t want to give it up.

Sponsor
I used to think my addiction had something to do with being cool. I thought my use of additive substances and behaviors made me stylish and sophisticated. Meanwhile, I didn’t know how to live my life.

Romanticizing addiction and its trappings is a form of denial many of us have to address. Certain drinks, drugs, or behaviors may have seemed to us like instant power or sophistication—less boring and regular than the alternatives. Some of the rituals and accoutrements of addiction continue to be glamorized by advertising, films, and popular images and myths. We may tell ourselves that creative people have always been involved with drugs. We may feel a pang: is recovery going to strip us of our originality, our flair for the unusual?

We’re who we are in spite of, not because of, addictive substances and behaviors. The originality and flair that you associate with addiction come from a deeper part of you. We can be true originals in recovery, through coming to know ourselves.


Today, I let go of any illusions about my addiction.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin


---- 89 ----
Ukwenza kuya emuva kuye phambili.
The doing moves backward, then forward.
NDEBELE PROVERB
Newcomer
I thought I’d lost the desire to pick up my addiction. Now I’m on the verge of celebrating ninety days, and all I can think of is how much I’d like to go back to my old life.

Sponsor
Anniversaries can be times of intense expectation for people in recovery. Anxiety, sadness, and other feelings may be mixed with jubilation and pride. Some of us go into denial: “If I’ve made it this far without the drug, maybe I don’t really have the problem.” Or “I can do this on my own now—who needs all those **** meetings!” Some of us feel like frauds; we’ve been fooling everyone into thinking that we can stay away from our addiction successfully. Intense feelings—even those of pride and pleasure—can put us in danger of picking up our addictive substances.

Anniversaries are times when it’s especially important to stay in touch with people who’ve been sharing our journey. They can help us to celebrate and also to keep the anniversary in perspective. It’s encouraging to know that they’ll continue to be there as we continue to stay away from addictive substances and behaviors—one day at a time.



Today, I stay close to the program.
When I go out, I take phone numbers,
coins for making calls, and a willingness to use them.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin


---- 90 ----
…who share their experience, strength and hope with each other…
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS PREAMABLE

Newcomer
Now that I have ninety days in recovery, am I really supposed to get up in front of the room and speak? It’s hard enough to make myself raise my hand to share at a meeting! Without my drug of choice, I’m really a shy, private person. I don’t like it when people look at me. I don’t have a gift for public speaking. I don’t know how to make people laugh. I don’t think that I know enough about recover to lead a meeting.

Sponsor
Speaking at a meeting is not the same as public speaking; it’s a tool that we use to stay sober. We don’t have to impress or save anyone when we speak at a meeting. We don’t have to spout principles or explain Steps we haven’t taken yet. We just have to be willing to share what we know to be true for each of us. If we set aside our egos and baggage of fear and pride, we can talk honestly about our own experiences.

We can’t anticipate or control how our words are going to help another person. Before speaking, I say a simple prayer: “Help me to be of use.” The results aren’t up to me. One time, I was so nervous that I forgot everything I’d planned to say. There were long pauses between every sentence. Afterward, a woman came up to me and said, “You’ve given me courage. In three years, I’ve never had to guts to speak. Now that I’ve seen you go through your fear, I think I can do it, too.” I thought I was a failure, but she thanked me!



Today, I do service without calculating the results.
My honesty helps me and others to deepen
the experience of recovery.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin


---- 91 ----
I want to change things. I want to see things happen.
I don’t want just to talk about them.
JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH

Newcomer
I feel as if I should be doing so much more than just staying in recovery and going to meetings. And yet, when I have free time, I’m not accomplishing much these days. I go to a meeting and then to coffee—“the meeting after the meeting,” I’ve heard it called—and I get home and feel too tired to do any more. When I have a big block of time, I don’t know how to use it. I feel confused and discouraged.

Sponsor
This point in recovery is a time to be especially gentle with ourselves. When we look back at how we were feeling and what we were doing just before we entered recovery, we can see that “just staying in recovery and going to meetings” is a major change. To be free from or addictive behavior, to keep a commitment to a program of recovery—this is nothing short of a total revolution in our lives. We have made a commitment t live, not to punish ourselves for not doing it faster and more perfectly.

“The meeting after the meeting” is not a waste of time. It’s important to get to know our peers in recovery. We can learn from one another, support one another. The changes we’re experiencing are mirrored back to us by others who are undergoing similar transformations. It gives us experience, too, at being with people without the “help of our addictive substance or behavior.

We don’t have to worry about wasting time in early recovery. It is a miracle that we can simply be.



Today, I let myself be.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin


-----92 ----
To be alive at all is to have scars
JOHN STEINBECK

Newcomer
At a recent meeting, I heard someone sharing as if she’d solved every problem she’d ever had. She was smiling the whole time she spoke, talking about how great everything’s is. I don’t know why, but I felt angry afterward. She sounded so glib and self-satisfied and know-it-all. If that’s recovery, I don’t know if I want it.

Sponsor
I can identify with your anger. I, too, sometimes find it irritating to hear someone chattering about his or her happiness and success, especially when my own life seems to be full of messy problems. But it may not be the contrast between her situation and your own that got you upset. Perhaps you intuited that she may not, in fact, “have it all together.” Few humans do. I love hearing people talk about the ways this program has helped them, but recovery doesn’t make us perfect.

It won’t help my own recovery if I judge the quality of someone else’s. I know, though, that when I hear people sharing at meetings, I’m drawn far more deeply to some sharing than to others. Oddly enough, I sometimes get more spiritual sustenance from hearing someone who is having to cope with immense difficulties that from someone who appears to have none at all.

Recovery doesn’t require perfection. In fact, perfection isn’t possible.



Today, I have unconditional love for myself,
whatever my scars or difficulties.
I extend this unconditional love to all those around me.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin



---- 93 ----
When you get to the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Newcomer
Initially, I was excited about recovery. I felt better for a while. I hate to say it, but now that I’m not at the beginning any more, everything seems worse. I feel more cynical than ever.

Sponsor
What you’re experiencing is part of the process of recovery. Many of us go through a “honeymoon” phase in early recovery. Our craving may feel miraculously lifted. Change feels easy, and hope replaces despair.

Then, life feels difficult again. We may perceive ourselves as having gotten worse, but that’s not accurate. What’s really happening is that, though our addictive craving has been treated, we still have our old problems, habits and states of mind. We may be getting through the day, showing up for work responsibilities, attending meeting, but not having much fun. We may wonder if what we’ve heard is really true—that “our worst day in recovery is better than our best day of active addiction.” We may wonder whether recovery really is the answer, after all.

Our doubt makes clear to us that we have to do something. Staying where we are is too uncomfortable. We can attend a Step meeting and read program literature to begin to familiarize ourselves with our next Step. For spirits in need of healing, Step work leads to the next phase of recovery.



Today, I have the courage to move forward
in my journey of recovery.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin




---- 94 ----
Try this bracelet: if it fits you, wear it;but if it hurts you,
throw it away no matter how shiny.
KENYAN PROVERB
Newcomer
I hear some people in meeting who talk about having strict sponsors and doing everything "by the book." There are others who say that they follow the suggestion more loosely. I hears on person say that she "sort of got recovery by osmosis" - she's only dimly aware that she's been applying a particular Step to a situation in her life. I don't know if all this diversity is such a good thing.


Sponsor
Diversity is a fact of life in recovery. We come in many shapes and sized, and from many different backgrounds and histories. It stand to reason that our paths in recovery aren't going to be carbon copies of one another. We share the desire for recovery and the willingness to work at it. Though we do have addiction in common, methods of recovery may vary. One size definitely doesn't fit all.

Some of us crave a great deal of structure and feel insecure without it. Some feel safer being told exactly what action to take, when, and how. Others rebel against overly detailed directions, feeling safe only if we sense we're being given room to make our won mistakes. We're intuitively drawn to people who have what we want, whose paths offer the combination of sportiveness and challenge that feels appropriate to our own needs. If our preferred way hasn't been working, we may need to try switching for a while to a stricter or looser approach.



Today, I trust my experience and gut feelings about what will strengthen my recovery most effectively.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin



---- 95----
Through prayer we may lose some of our
arrogance and resistance.
OH SHINNAH

Newcomer
I’ve struggled with this addiction for so long. I think I’m finally ready to defeat it. I really want to do it right this time.


Sponsor
The program saying “The war is over” comes to mind when I hear you talking about struggle and defeat. In my experience, addiction doesn’t respond well to force. In fact, it counters force with a force of its own. Addiction is stubborn. When we approach it with “white-knuckle” discipline, confusing willfulness with strength of character, we may be setting ourselves up for eventual relapse.

The alternative is an attitude of surrender. I begin each day acknowledging that I have a disease. I ask for help in living with it, not acting on it. I use the tools of the program and the support of the fellowship, replacing old habits with new ones that help maintain recovery. I used to keep the paraphernalia of my addictive life around me; now I keep reminders of recovery around me. I approach recovery with enthusiasm, gratitude, joy. If I feel the urge to fight, I know it’s time for a meeting. Recovery is a journey I pray to continue, with the help of my Higher Power—one day at a time.



Today, I humbly ask for recovery to be given to me.
I don’t have to do it alone.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin



---- 96----
…and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own.
OH SHINNAH

Newcomer
I’m royally confused. At one meeting I hear people say how important psychotherapy is; at another, I hear people say that it’s bad—all you need is the Twelve Steps. A speaker I heard mentioned antidepressant drugs and how they’ve changed her life; meanwhile, the man next to me was muttering that that’s not a sober thing to do. I’m wondering what I should do. Maybe I need more than just this program


Sponsor
The program doesn’t offer professional or scientific advice. Instead, we share our experiences: What got us here, how we’ve stayed clean and sober so far. Once we’ve established new habits in place of old ones, it’s perfectly appropriate to assess our individual needs. Some of us have medical, financial, or legal problems. A few have severe emotional problems. Some of us choose to seek professional help. For me, just plain recovery—staying away from substances one day at a time—had to come first; without it, I couldn’t begin to address the ways I’d neglected my health and well-being. Surprisingly, some of the decisions I struggled hardest with eventually became clear and simple.

As your process of recovery continues, you’ll gain confidence in your intuition and judgment. Many questions that are causing you to experience conflict today will resolve themselves easily in time.




Today, I set controversial questions aside
while I learn to stay sober.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin



---- 97----
Surrender sooner.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS


Newcomer
I’ve been working so hard to do everything I’m supposed to, in recovery and in the “real” world. But something in me wants to slow down, cry, and scream, maybe even collapse. The timing couldn’t be less convenient. I should have waited to come into recovery.

Sponsor
How much choice do we really have about timing, about when we enter recovery? Hitting bottom is a spiritual crisis; like any other crisis, we have to address it when it occurs. We don’t get to negotiate the terms. Similarly, we don’t get to negotiate the terms. Similarly, we don’t’ get to choose the nature of timing of the emotions we experience. We can stop our tears, but not our grief. If we don’t try to resist or block feelings, they flow through us surprisingly quickly.
Falling down doesn’t mean we’ll never get up again. We may need to let some things fall apart before we can move on. Those of us who were brought up to believe that we should be able to manage several things simultaneously, ignore our personal needs, and come through every crisis with a smile may have trouble letting go of our old ideas. It’s okay to be imperfect in our recovery process. The sooner we let go, the better.




Today, I accept my Higher Power’s timetable for me.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

---- 98----
Never take anything for granted
BENJAMIN DISRAELI

Newcomer
What is a “dry drunk”?

Sponsor
This expression may have first sprang up in A.A. It’s used to describe one of us who is abstaining from the use of alcohol but isn’t thinking or behaving in a way that is sober. If we’re full of self-will, if we constantly blame and rage at others, if we’re controlled by our fears and resentments, we are probably “on a dry drunk.” This expression might also be used to describe those of us with addiction other that alcohol when our lives are not sober. Our addictions are a package deal: certain attitudes and behaviors come with the compulsion to numb ourselves with particular substances or acts.

A “dry drunk” sometimes focuses on others and their addictive problems. Gossip, blame, argument, manipulative behavior, obsessive worrying, neglect of responsibilities—these are some common “dry drunk” behaviors. We may not be abusing a substance, but our attitudes and behavior qualify us as “dry drunks.”

Today, my participation in this program help me to maintain physical, mental, and spiritual recovery.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

---- 99----
Other people don’t always dream your dream
LINDA RONSTADT

Newcomer
When people at meetings use the words “control” and “controlling,” the tone is always negative. What’s so bad about control? I’m glad that I have more control over my life, not that I’m not active in my addiction. I grew up hearing about “self-control” all the time. I assumed it was a good thing.

Sponsor
There are different way in which people in recovery use the word “control.” One of them, in the phrase “controlled drinking” or “controlled drugging,” describes a state that’s neither drink nor sober. It’s an attempt to use and addictive substance or behavior only in carefully measured amounts—the “I can handle it” approach. Those who engage in it cheat themselves both of the oblivion of addictive behavior and the joy of recovery. I can’t imagine a grimmer form of denial; it means never being free of obsession with a drug.

We also use the word “control” to name the illusion that we’re responsible for all the outcomes of our actions. The Serenity Prayer makes a distinction between things we can and can’t control. It helps me to remember that I have control over my actions, but not over those of others. I can control what I eat, but not how my body processes the food and what I weigh. I can choose my words, but not how people will respond to them. We may expend a lot of energy trying to manipulate others to feel and behave as we wish. It may even seem to work sometimes—but that’s an illusion. I don’t deliberately do things that I think may offend people or hurt their feelings; but what they feel, do , or say in reaction to me is not the realm of my control.

Today, I accept my powerlessness over addictive substances and my powerlessness over other people’s thoughts and feelings.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin


---- 100 ----

I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention. Diane Sawyer


Newcomer
I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I often sit in a meeting just looking at everyone’s shoes and trying to decide which ones I like. Or I may be sort of half listening while looking at what people are wearing or how their hair is cut, trying to figure out whether the same thing would look okay on me. I guess I sound pretty superficial.

Sponsor
Sometimes the intensity of recovery feels overwhelming. We drift, thinking there’s something wrong with the meeting or with us. Our thoughts are elsewhere, racing a mile a minute, or else we fall asleep. The problem isn’t that we’re easily bored or unwilling to concentrate. More likely, we’re trying to get some relief from feelings that are surfacing within us. A lot happens at meetings. Some people are sharing stories that remind us of our own, and some are sharing their experience of a new way of life that challenges beliefs and habits we’ve held for a long time. It sometimes feels like too much. The experience itself of sitting in a room with other people uses mental and emotional energy, and may raise anxieties for some of us. It takes getting used to. The good news is that in time we do find it easier to be fully present.

Today, I gently let go of concerns about my rate of progress, as I remain consistent about attending meeting and working the program.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----101----

Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it. Saying Heard At Meetings

Newcomer

At a meeting I went to, the chairman made comments every time someone shared. Isn't that what they call "cross talk"?

Sponsor

Certain customs vary from meeting to meeting. I've heard more than one definition of "cross talk" and seen some differences in whether or not it's considered permissible to respond when others are sharing.
At most meetings, it's not customary to respond directly to what another person shares by offering opinions or advice. It's fine, though, to identify with what's been said and to share our own experience on a related feeling or topic. At some meetings the speaker responds to sharing, but rarely interrupts, even with a brief, good-humored comment. At others, the speaker simply says ""thank you"---or nothing at all. Limiting cross talk promotes the habit of tolerance and helps create an atmosphere in which it's safe to share openly and honestly.
Other customs, too, vary from fellowship to fellowship, from place to place throughout the country, even from meeting to meeting in the same city or town. Some meetings give out chips to mark anniversaries; some celebrate them with cakes and presentations. Some meetings sell raffle tickets; the prize is usually program literature. Some meetings prohibit smoking. Such policies may be dictated by local custom or decided at business meetings or "group conscience" meetings.
Recovery keeps offering us opportunities to become more flexible and tolerant.

Today, I am open and flexible. I cultivate lightness as I look and listen.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----102----

Happiness is a way-station between too little and too much. Channing Pollock

Newcomer

I'm in a bind. Someone asked me to attend an event, and I said ye. I think I should be doing more than just going to meetings. Now that the date's almost here, I wish I'd said no; I don't really want to go. But I don't think I should let people down at the last minute any more---I did that too much when I was active in my addiction.

Sponsor

When I was new in recovery, I had a serious case of what we call "people pleasing." It's taken time to sort out my own needs and desires. I've found that I need to spend time with people and I also need time for solitude and rest. Chances to try new things are among the gifts of recovery, But I don't have to do everything that comes along. It still takes effort to plan ahead for activities I care about an to leave room for spontaneity.
Making choices that please and nurture us is healthy. If we need to, we can change our minds and our plans---it's not the same thing as picking up our addictions. We need to be clear about our motives, however. If we find that we're consistently waiting until the last minute, then backing out of commitments, perhaps we're letting fear make our decisions. And sometimes, it's just plain easier to go ahead and keep a commitment we're less than thrilled about. If we've made a mistake, it's not the end of the world; our mistakes are our teachers. Through trial and error, we eventually learn how to choose good company and make appropriate commitments.

Today, I'm showing up for my life.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----103----

Creating intimacy is a skill. --Laurel Mellin

Newcomer

The so-called suggestions not to have relationships in the first year makes me angry. The rest of the world falls in love, and people get together. What can't I?

Sponsor
Let's remember that there are many, many kinds of relationships, including friendships, professional relationships, and relationships like ours, the sponsor-sponsee relationship. All of them offer valuable experience and practice at something we addicts don't know much about: the gradual process, over time, of sharing ourselves with fellow human begins.
As a newly recovering person, you will have a lot to learn about yourself. Why rush the process? The person you are today and the person you will be after several months in recovery may not have much in common. You may quickly outgrow a romantic relationship that you enter into this early in your journey. Other newcomers, like you, are involved in a revolutionary process of growth and change. If you risk getting involved with a newcomer, you may find yourself unceremoniously dumped or vulnerable to the person's unreasonable demands or unthinking behavior. Instead, you can choose to allow yourself a luxury during these early months---that of creating a sensitive, loving relationship with yourself.

Today, I cherish my new, growing relationship with myself. I look and listen lovingly to my needs and wants.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----104----

Showing up for life. Being blessed with the rebirth that recovery brings. One day at a time. --Betty Ford

Newcomer

Chronologically, I'm a grown up, but in some ways I'm far behind. It feels as if I'm growing up all over again.

Sponsor

Some people in the program say that our emotional development stopped at the point when we became active in our addictions: if we abused drugs beginning at age sixteen, then we've entered recovery with the emotional development of a sixteen-year-old.
That's an oversimplification, but it points the way to a truth. Most of us enter recovery inexperienced at whatever aspects of our lives we avoided through addiction. We may feel awkward in social contexts; we may have missed out on education; we may not have found appropriate, fulfilling work. Some of us still have to learn the basics of self-care; others have numerous adult-world accomplishments, but no dependable sense of self-esteem. At times we may feel as if we're part child, part adolescent, part mature person rolled into one.
We're not stupid or shallow. We're complex people, each with our own histories, strengths, and needs. We're capable of profound change. Happily, we're not alone in our struggles to mature and become integrated individuals.

Today, I have patience with myself as I learn more about who I am and how to live.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----105----

The readiness is all. William Shakespeare

Newcomer
I went to two different Step meetings this week, in different parts of town, and both of them were on the Fourth Step. I keep hearing that "there are no coincidences." Does this mean I'm supposed to start the Fourth Step now? How do I know if I'm ready?

Sponsor

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you're going to Step meetings, and I encourage you to keep it up. Your willingness has brought you a long way already, and it continues to be the key.
In approaching a new Step, I find it useful to ask myself if I've taken the Steps that precede it in a complete, wholehearted way.
I review Step One and remember why I'm on this path of recovery in the first place: addiction brought me to spiritual depths I don't want to sink to again.
Reviewing Step Two reminds me that I'm not alone, and that I have faith that I'll be given what I need to become a whole and free person again.
Step Three reminds me that I've made a decision. I'm willing to do what's necessary for recovery and to trust the process. I remember that I only have to do my part; my progress in recovery isn't entirely up to me. My Higher Power will do the rest. When I reach Step Four, I trust that in the process of writing about the events of my addictive life, I'll be taken care of.

Today, I bring willingness and an open mind to the next step in my recovery. I relax and trust that I am not alone.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----106----

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard

Newcomers

When I look at the Step Four, the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs" sounds so grim and old-fashioned. I don't know if I can face my past that way.

Sponsor

We have a phrase---"the arrogant worm"---to express the way some of us think of ourselves: one moment we're too important to take the Steps; another moment we're the worst things that ever walked the face of the earth. Both are distortions. I'm a human being living among other human beings. I'm not a saint, but I'm not a worm, either. Words I've said or failed to say, and actions I've taken or not taken have had an impact both on other people and on myself. Chances are that the behavior I'd most like to forget is the behavior most important to include in my inventory.
The point of this Step isn't just to list our faults, not is it to beat ourselves up for them. Nor is it to complain about the ways we've been victimized by people or circumstances. It is to look where our addictions have taken us.

In recovery, I cherish my innate sense of right and wrong. Today, it leads me to take actions for which I esteem myself.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----107----

Happy for us if the grace of God enables us to live so that we retain innocency and freshness of character down to old age. --Mary Ann Wendell

Newcomer

I've always been down on myself---that's my problem. When I took the Steps and see "searching and fearless moral inventory," "the exact nature of our wrongs," and "defects of character," the language seems so judgmental. It depresses me to think of myself in such negative terms.

Sponsor

Like you, I found certain phrases in the Steps off-putting at first. I changed them in my mind: for "wrongs," I substituted "things I would have done differently"; for "defects," I substituted "old habits and ways of reacting that I'd like to be free of." I needed the gentlest possible approach; I'd been beating myself up for as long as I could remember.
The Steps aren't asking us to blame or punish ourselves. Many of us accept the idea that we inherited a predisposition for our addictions and that things that happened in our lives provided opportunities for addiction to take hold. Fortunately, recovery offers us the opportunity to see ourselves with clarity and compassion, to free ourselves to become the people we've always wanted to be. We can work the Twelve Steps with infinite gentleness and caring, for ourselves and for the truth.

Today, my compassion for myself opens me to the gentleness of the program.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----108----

Would you take a stick and punish your hand because it lacked understanding? --Rabbi Shmelke of Nikolsburg

Newcomer

What is a "moral Inventory," exactly?

Sponsor

There are many approaches to Step Four in program literature and in publications about recovery; at Step meetings you'll hear people describe still other methods suggested by their sponsors. All these methods involve writing---one of the most powerful tools we have in recovery.
Taking our moral inventory helps us to get to know ourselves better by looking honestly at our behavior and its impact on ourselves and others. One simple, effective approach, as suggested in A.A.'s Big Book, focuses on two key emotions: fear and resentment. We make as complete as possible a list of people and institutions we have feared and resented. We identify what it is in us that feels threatened by each individual on our list. The result is a portrait---not of others, but of ourselves and the feelings that have fueled our addictive lives.
Another approach is to list our assets and deficits, as we might do for a business. A balanced picture includes pluses as well as minuses, so for those of us who are experts at self-dislike, it's important to note not only our past mistakes, but also the progress we've made. How are we evolving into more honest, caring, responsible people? What are we doing better? What are our positive qualities, and how do they contribute to a strong recovery?

Today, I think about writing a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. In the spirit of honesty, I will record assets as well as deficits.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----109----

You can look at the past---but don't stare. Francis Brady

Newcomer

From what I hear, many people don't write a Fourth Step inventory until a year or two after entering recovery. Some wait three, even four years. I've heard the expression "A Step a year." Should I wait?

Sponsor

In the early days of A.A., newcomers were guided through the Steps within a few days or weeks of getting sober. Many people were helped ot a new, sober life that way. Over time, a more gradual approach has proved just as affective for newcomers in AA and other Twelve Step programs.
Today, those who are committed to staying in recovery have a great deal of fellowship support available. We have a proliferation of programs, many models of long-term experience in recovery, and large numbers of meetings to choose from. With all this support, some may choose to postpone Steps Four through Twelve, yet still manage to stay sober---though "a Step a year," if taken literally, could be a prescription for endlessly postponing the joy of recovery. Honest self-examination is a necessary part of the process that leads to the waking up of our spirits. Why delay it?
For us, gentleness is essential in doing the Fourth Step. Our purpose is not self-punishment or humiliation. It's letting go of guilt and shame that led us to numb ourselves with addictive substances and behaviors. We can begin by keeping a Fourth Step file or index cards on which we list fears and resentments one or two at a time, as we remember them. Or we can use a gentle Step Four workbook. Because we trust that a Higher Power is part of our process, we don't have to put off Step Four or hurry through it.

Today, I look at my past with honesty and compassion.

[bluidkiti]

"If You Want What We Have"
Sponsorship Meditations
by Joan Larkin

----110----

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people. Virginia Woolf

Newcomer

Why should I have to take the blame for everything? What about the things other people have done to me?

Sponsor

Taking Step Four isn't about blaming ourselves or others. It can helps us with out anger at those we believe have harmed us. When we write a Fourth Step, we name all the people and institutions we fear and resent. By putting into writing the wrongs we believe each of them has committed, we see the array of fears and resentments that burden our minds and disturb our serenity.
It's human nature to fear or resent people we haven't treated well. If I neglect someone---I don't very much want to see or think about her. I tell myself, "It's all her fault." Guilt feels unpleasant; I may turn to my addiction to keep it at bay. Step Four ask me to take an honest look at the ways I myself contributed to or even caused the situation I'm so upset about.
But there may also be certain things we didn't cause. What if we're convinced that we're right? Instead of plotting revenge, we can understand that there are others who are mentally or spiritually ill. We can acknowledge what they have done, without having to cling to resentment. We can ask in our prayers that they be healed.

Today, I let faith replace my fears and resentments.

[india]

while i am not a newcomer, i am needing this daily reminder to be kinder to myself... this posting has helped me tremendously. Thank you SO MUCH!!