April 19

Quote of the Week

"Pain transformed by the Twelve Steps is no longer pain transmitted."

When I came into the program I carried a lot of pain with me. There was the pain from living daily in an abusive alcoholic household, then the pain from an oppressive and emotionally abusive stepfather, and then years of self-inflicted drug and alcohol abuse. The pain I had was palpable, and every relationship I had felt the impact of my pain. I was passive-aggressive at work, jealous and tyrannical in relationships, and toward myself I was self-destructive and self-loathing.

When I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, the Step I feared the most was Step Four. To me, doing a Fourth Step was like climbing down a ladder into myself, into a pit of pain, shame, and fear that I was sure was going to swallow me up. I couldn’t imagine that there was another side to that darkness, and it took months for me to complete that fearless and thorough inventory. Once through Step Five, however, I began to see a new light in my life, and I began to sense the freedom I had heard others talk about in the program.

Through working the rest of the Twelve Steps, I was able to shine the light of a healing and loving Higher Power on the pain and secrets that fueled my character defects. As I made amends, my connection to others, to God, and to myself was restored. As the promises came true for me, I realized that the Steps had transformed not only my pain but my whole life. For the first time ever, I was able to live comfortably in my own skin, and today, what I have to transmit is experience, strength, and hope.

April 26

Quote of the Week

"When you own your part, you own your power."

When I was new to the program, I dreaded doing my Fourth Step inventory. What possible good could it do me to list all my resentments? I wondered. When my sponsor told me there was an invisible category called “my part,” I was sure this was going to be a useless exercise. I mean, I didn’t have a part in choosing my parents or my siblings, or in what happened to me at school, and on and on. Just thinking about it made me resentful!

After months of painful and exhaustive writing, I finally finished the first draft of my inventory. I remember reading it to my sponsor during the Fifth Step and becoming more and more irritated each time he asked me about my part. “But I’m talking about what he, she, or it did to me,” I complained. “Yes, but yours is the only part you can change,” he said. And that’s when I began to understand.

I had spent a lifetime blaming other people, places, and things for the misery in my life, and all that did was make me a perpetual victim. Once I learned to focus on my part, however, I began to see the role my own behavior played in the destructive patterns in my life. And that’s when I discovered I had the power to change them. And this is what finally set me free. You see, I learned that when you own your part, you own your power.

May 3

Quote of the Week

"God can’t give you anything new until you let go of the old."

Oh, how I love to hang on to what I think I know. I came into the program filled with opinions, ideas, resentments, attitudes, beliefs, and more. Many of them were literally killing me, yet I fiercely defended them and resisted letting them go. When other people tried to reason with me, I was obstinate and defensive. Luckily, I was also desperate and had hit a bottom, and because of this I was willing to try something new.

That willingness was the crack in my personality through which God’s energy and grace entered. I learned that with willingness comes the ability to surrender. And so, one by one, I began peeling back the layers of the onion that were my old ideas. As I uncovered, discovered, and discarded them, God gave me new ways of looking at, thinking about, and acting in my life. Slowly, a new man was being born.

What I have found over the years is that letting go is a constant, ongoing process. Each new relationship, job, situation, or season brings me face-to-face with some old ideas or opinions that I’ve not yet examined. When I become stuck or unhappy these days, I now know to pray for the willingness to be open, so that God can give me something new. Today, I’m not as resistant to letting go, because I know that God always has something better for me.

May 10

Quote of the Week

"Anger and resentment are masks for fear."

When I came into the program, I was pretty angry. With the alcohol gone, I very quickly got in touch with my feelings, and for me that meant my anger quickly turned into rage. Oh, and resentments—I had a lot of those as well. Without having developed the spiritual tools to deal with my feelings yet, I soon became defiant. You could say I wasn’t very fun to be around.

As I began working my way through the program, I learned in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book that we are driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear. After doing a thorough Fourth Step that included a fear inventory, I found I was driven by way more than just a hundred! It took years, though, for me to realize the connection between my fears and the anger and resentment I felt.

Today, I not only see the connection, but I feel it all the time. In fact, today I know that whenever I’m feeling uncomfortable, impatient, quick to snap at people, or just generally irritable, I’m usually in fear of something. The good news is that now I have a solution. Today, when I’m feeling angry or resentful, I stop and ask myself what I’m afraid of. Doing this allows me to take the mask off my fears and allows my Higher Power to present a solution.

May 17

Quote of the Week

"When I am in my head, I am with the last person I got drunk with."

When I hear this quote, I remember that my best thinking can’t get me sober—that by myself, my solutions to my problems are still self-serving and often driven by fear. Before recovery, this inner voice drove me, and just as long as I followed its advice, for that long I was going to remain selfish, alone, and drunk. It wasn’t until I surrendered my thinking and let someone else inside that I began to recover.

When I was new to sobriety, I was desperately afraid of telling people what was really going on in my head. If others knew what craziness brewed in there—what resentment, hatred, and despair went through my mind—I was sure they would ban me from the rooms. But they didn’t. When I finally began to reveal myself, something miraculous happened. I was accepted, along with all my crazy thoughts and faults, and I was shown the way to freedom from bondage of self. That path, I learned, was to let others in.

I was taught right from the beginning that this was a “we” program, and for me to recover I needed to find someone to whom I could tell the truth. By letting others know what was really going on inside my head and by surrendering my thoughts and actions to God, I began to change. By growing in this way, I began feeling a part of the fellowship and a part of life. Today, I try to stay out of my head, because when I’m alone with myself, I know that I’m with the last person I got drunk with—and I know where that can lead.

May 24

Quote of the Week

"For every nut in the program, there is a bolt."

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, I was a little taken aback by some of the strange characters whom I heard share. Some had been to prison, some had lived on the streets, some had been prostitutes, some were ex-gangsters, and some were still pretty crazy. “These people have nothing in common with me,” I told my sponsor. “How are they going to help me get sober?”

“Some of these people may not be able to help you directly,” he said. “But the fact that they can get this thing and stay sober shows that you can, too.” I saw his point. “Besides that,” he continued, “even if they don’t have the exact experience you’ve had, there will be someone else who will. No matter what’s going on with you, there will always be somebody who has the experience, strength, and hope you will need.”

Over the years, I’ve found this to be so true. One of the things I’ve learned to count on is that there is always someone who can help me regardless of what I’ve been or am going through. This has taught me the value of everyone in the program, not just those whom I can identify with. Now I know that there is a bolt for every nut in the program—even me!

May 31

Quote of the Week

"The worst bottom can become the greatest beginning."

A woman once shared in a meeting that she used to keep a breathalyzer in her house to help her control her drinking. One day she started drinking too early, lost track of time, and her husband caught her using it. She was upset the dogs hadn’t given her a warning he was coming. The husband, naturally, was aghast and it seemed like the end of her marriage and family. Instead, it led to her recovery.

I’ve heard people describe all kinds of bottoms. Some have shared that they came out of a black out in jail, scared and confused, and not knowing if they had killed anyone while driving drunk. I’ve known others who lost their businesses, their families, and even their freedom. Bottoms come with demoralization, shame, embarrassment, and bewilderment. All these situations seem like the end of the world, and they are.

But the world that ends is a dark one, one that was ultimately unsustainable and led to ruin. The new world that recovery brings is one where hope, love, and faith are restored. Through the Twelve Step program, a God of our own understanding performs the miracle of transformation in our lives. He turns what seems to have been the worst day into the greatest, and so begins our new life. No matter how dark your life seems right now, take our advice: “Don’t leave before the miracle.”

June 7

Quote of the Week

"Going to meetings is like taking aspirin before a headache."

I was reminded of how true this saying is just the other day. I had been really sick for a week—I mean in-bed sick. As such, I hadn’t been to a meeting all week. This is unheard of for me, as three meetings a week is my usual minimum, while four to five is more common. So there I was at my local Rite-Aid pharmacy, staring down at the cough syrups, when all of the sudden I saw one that said “Alcohol-free.” So that’s the one I automatically chose, right? Not at all!

You see, because I hadn’t been to a meeting in a week, my keen alcoholic mind was thinking again. And without my conscious permission, it was arguing with me as to why the nonalcoholic version obviously couldn’t be as good as the one with alcohol. In a flash it had me convinced that it must be the watered-down version, and that it didn’t have as much of the active ingredients in it. And without the alcohol, I wouldn’t even get the rest I so desperately needed to get better. I was sold. . . .

As my hand reached down to get the “right cough syrup,” a tiny, faraway, twelve-year-sober voice whispered, “That might not be such a good idea.” I almost didn’t hear it, but its truth was powerful. I snapped out of it, and in a moment of clarity I grabbed the alcohol-free one and quickly got out of there. Now I’m pretty sure that if I had been to my regular meetings that week, the choice would have been much easier. It just goes to show that if you don’t want a (major!) headache, then keep taking your aspirin regularly.

June 14

Quote of the Week

"I’ll never be all right until it’s all right now."

I’ve always lived waiting for some future time or event to make me happy. “When I meet ‘her,’ then I’ll be happy.” “As soon as I make enough money, then I’ll be all right.” “When I finally pay off my house, then I’ll feel secure.” Happiness, security, and feeling all right were always tied to something I didn’t have right now, and that meant that in the present I was always irritable, restless, or discontented. No wonder I drank all the time.

In recovery, I learned a whole new way to live, and I was given tools to help me be present. “One day at a time” was a huge help as I despaired at remaining sober forever. When I started worrying about not having enough money or health or companionship next month or next year, my sponsor would ask me if I had everything I needed right now. As we went through it, I admitted I had a roof over my head, money in my pocket, food to eat, and a whole fellowship for support. These and other tools helped me to stay present and appreciate that, right now, I was all right.

I once read a saying by Pascal that really resonated with me: “All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.” And that’s when I finally understood it all. Being able to be comfortable in my own skin, regardless of what’s going on, is the path to the happiness, security, and contentment I always sought in some future event. The miracle is that this feeling is available to me right now, right here. In fact, I already have it. Through working the Steps, I have discovered how to be all right, right now.

June 21

Quote of the Week

"I cannot think myself into good living, but I can live myself into good thinking."

I like to make lists of things I want to and should do. Toward the end of my drinking, in late September, I was drinking way too much, so I made a list of the five times left that year I would drink. These were Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. My thinking was that I would remain sober in between. I made this list in a bar, and I felt so good about it that I ordered another pitcher of beer for myself. The next day, a Monday, I was drinking by noon. But that day wasn’t on the list!

When I got sober, I had a lot of plans and I made many more lists. I made a “join a gym and get healthy” list. I made lists on getting a job, getting a girlfriend, and many others. While I was thinking how good my life would be once I did these things, what was missing was taking any action. Thankfully, working the Steps with my sponsor taught me a whole new way to live my life. What I learned was that regardless of what I think or feel, taking action first would always lead me to feeling and thinking better. I found that A.A. was a program of action, not thinking.

This lesson has been crucial not only to my recovery but my happiness in life in general. I have learned that actions always proceed feelings and thinking, not the other way around. It’s like the gym. I rarely feel like putting in the action and going, but once I’m done with my workout, my thinking has completely changed, and I’m glad I did. It is the same with recovery. While I usually don’t feel like working a Step or helping out at a meeting or extending myself to help another, once I take the action, my thinking and life improve.

June 28

Quote of the Week

"Behaviors are like tennis rackets; if yours is broken, get a new one."

A woman at a meeting shared that behaviors are like tennis rackets. While a tennis racket works for a while—years, even—eventually the strings wear out, the grip comes apart, and after a while you have to get a new one. She said that for years she was using rackets of behavior long after they had stopped working. It was only after she “got a new racket” that her life improved.

When I was new to recovery, I had a lot of old, worn-out behaviors, too. What I didn’t realize was that the reason my life wasn’t working was that I kept trying to use these—isolating instead of joining in, being selfish instead of giving, and so on—to achieve different results. When I spoke with my sponsor about it, he told me that unless I worked the Steps and changed the way I thought and acted, the results in my life would stay the same.

Today, I’m much better at recognizing my old rackets of behaviors and thankfully, I’m more willing to try something different. Today, when areas of my life aren’t working, I know to look at my behavior, talk to someone in the program, and pray for guidance. Today, when my old behavior isn’t working, I’m quick to adopt a new one. I know that I can’t win in the game of life if I continue playing with an old racket.

July 5

Quote of the Week

"Those who leave everything in God’s hands, will eventually see God’s hand in everything."

I was many years sober when I first heard this quote. It reminded me of how I had turned my recovery over to God, and how everything had worked out. I got through my Fourth Step—when I thought it was going to tear me apart—and God helped me make all those terrifying amends as well. I can now see God’s hand in every part of my recovery, but what about the rest of my life?

Lately, I’ve been back in a lot of financial fear. I’ve been worrying about my work and stressing about the future, and the old thoughts of, What is going to become of me? have crept back in. The difference between this and recovery is that I’ve kept God out of it lately, thinking instead that I have to handle this part of my life by myself. This has made my life unmanageable again.

Last week, I hit an emotional bottom. My wife finally sat me down and said, “Enough is enough.” I knew it was time to surrender. When I did, a wave of relief washed over me, and I have been free of fear since I left it all in God’s hands. I was given the perspective to see that He has been handling my financial future all along, and that I’m a lot better off than I think I am. Once again, I see God’s hands in everything, and—as long as I leave things there—I’ll be just fine.

July 12

Quote of the Week

"Our neighbor’s window looks much cleaner if we first wash our own."

Now that it’s hot again, I’ve begun sleeping with the windows open to let in some of the cooler evening air. My neighbor must have the same idea because her window is open as well, and the sound of her TV carries in the still summer air, sometimes making it hard to go to sleep. Even though she’s eighty-two years old and probably hard of hearing, and is the perfect neighbor otherwise, I easily become indignant and start with the “How dare she!” ranting. How soon I tend to forget. . . .

For years while drinking, I carried on like a madman. I played my music as loud as I could stand it, late into the night, and often partied with friends and family on the patio next to my neighbor’s living room. I had no awareness or concern for anyone but myself, and through it all, my neighbor remained calm and respectful and never said a word. You’d think that now that I’m in recovery, I’d have more empathy and understanding, but that’s not always my first reaction.

What I’ve found is that I have little initial tolerance for behaviors I used to practice with abandon. As an ex-smoker, for example, I’m an antismoker now and am irritated and resentful if someone smokes within twenty feet of me. Through it all, I have learned to continually ask for understanding and tolerance from my Higher Power, and I’ve learned that it’s up to me to take the high road and set the example with my behavior. And I find that when I do, everything works out for the best. I find that my neighbor’s window looks much cleaner when I wash my own first.

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July 19

Quote of the Week

"If a drink solved problems, I would have solved a lot of problems."

I seriously used to think that drinking helped me manage my problems and my life better. When I got too stressed to think straight, a drink or two would immediately relax me and enable me to think differently. In my creative life, I always wrote or drew much better after a few drinks. And after a few more drinks, I sometimes had epiphanies that I were sure could change the world. Unfortunately, when I sobered up, my problems were still there, plus some additional ones caused by my drinking.

When my sponsor told me I wasn’t going to drink alcohol anymore—not even beer!—I was shocked. But how was I going to make it through all my problems and stress? I wondered. And what about all those deep creative insights? As we talked through things, he helped me see that those “creative moments” I had while loaded, those that I wrote down at least, made almost no sense when I sobered up. Also, after inventories centered on my drinking, it was clear that alcohol didn’t solve any of my problems.

It took many years of journaling, meetings, and Step work, but today I know that I am much more creative and disciplined now that I’m not drinking. Today, I don’t just think of things, I do them. I’ve also found that I handle my problems and stress so much better with a clear head and a Higher Power in my life. Plus, I create a lot less mayhem! Sobriety has given me the life that alcohol promised but never delivered. And that’s why I begin each day with gratitude.

July 26

Quote of the Week

"It’s a simple program for complicated people."

They say that this is a simple program, but that it’s very hard to follow. I heard this in the beginning of my recovery, but when I read the Twelve Steps I didn’t see why. In fact, the program seemed simple, and I confidently told my sponsor that I could get through the Steps in a couple of weeks. I can still see his smile as he told me, “Let’s take it one day at a time.” When I finally started, I saw what he meant.

How can such a simple program be so hard to work? I quickly began asking myself. What I found was that each Step asked me to do something I had never done before: uncover my beliefs, discover how I had twisted them to serve my own selfish ends, and then discard them for God’s will rather than my own. Simple, yes, but not easy to do!

Over the years, I’ve found that this program is much easier to work if and when I quit making it so complicated. And the way I do that is by still trying to force my will on things. I now know it’s much simpler when I evaluate my motives, seek truly to be of service, and ask for God’s will, not mine, to be done. This truly is the easier, softer way. Today, I understand when they say that this is a simple program for complicated people!

August 2

Quote of the Week

"If you want to be secure, you have to give up the need to be secure."

I have spent so much of my life stressing and worrying about being secure. I’ve never felt like I’ve had enough money, or will ever have enough. In relationships, my insecurity has ruined many promising starts. I’ve lain awake at night worrying about my health, ruminating on the “what ifs.” It’s no wonder I drank so much; it was one of the few ways I had to quiet my mind.

When drinking stopped working for me, I entered recovery. At first I thought I’d get immediate relief from my worry, but with alcohol gone, I just grew more insecure. I overwhelmed my sponsor with all my “what ifs,” and he always asked the same thing: “Are you all right, right now?” “Yes, but . . . ,” I’d begin. “Right now, God has led you into recovery and has taken care of everything for you, right?” I admitted that was true. “Then let go and let Him take care of you,” he suggested.

I never thought it could be that easy, and I still tend to forget it. Today, while I still may not have all the money I want, I have all I need—and then some. I have love, health, hope, and long-term recovery. As soon as I gave up the need to be secure, I realized I already was secure. Today, I realize that my wants are what keep me from appreciating my haves. And today, I have all the security I need.