Tonight a friend came to mind, I ignored the thought. I came on the computer, went to my mail box, something I visit about twice a month, and there was an e-mail from her dated a week ago. So I picked up the phone and we talked for an hour and 45 minutes. We are reflections of each other. We are always asking ourselves, "Is this stuff your or mine?" It is generally something we both have issues with.

Rest and be at peace. When something comes to mind, say "Thought and let it go." Release any thing that blocks you from your God, and relax and know that God is there, you are not alone. Don't rest on your laurels, this is a one day at a time program.

Stir things up, and see what come to the top. Reflect on it, is it working for you in today? Is it an old tape, or a new one that has malfunctioned?

Sometimes when we are in a space and we can't see what is going on be it our denial, being overwhelmed and not knowing where to look first, or I have so many things, I just can't see and don't know where to look. As I shared with her, "I had to pray for the willingness to be willing to be willing."

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You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Releasing

Let fears slip away. Release any negative, limiting, or self-defeating beliefs buried in your subconscious too. These beliefs may be about life, love, or yourself. Beliefs create reality.

Let go. From as deep within as your fears, resentments, and negative beliefs are stored, let them all go. Let the belief or feeling surface. Accept it; surrender to it. Feel the discomfort or unrest. Then let it go. Let new beliefs replace the old. Let peace and joy and love replace fear.

Give yourself and your body permission to let go of fears, resentments, and negative beliefs. Release that which is no longer useful. Trust that you are being healed and prepared for receiving what is good.

Today, God, help me become willing to let go of old beliefs and feelings that may be hurting me. Gently take them from me and replace them with new beliefs and feelings. I do deserve the best life and love has to offer. Help me believe that.


Another reminder that we need to feel the feeling in order to be able to let them go. We can be so focused on the addict that we forget ourselves.

We don't practice self-care and we are so obsessed and overwhelmed by the addict and their actions that we don't take the time to feel our feelings and recognize that often what we are feeling is their stuff and not ours to take on.

We feel their pain and we want to ease their burden but it isn't our job and it only enables them to continue using.

Lately, I have just gone with the flow, not argued, recognized what is going on and trying not to blur the boundaries.

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I was reminded that I still have too many conditional strings attached to people, places and things.

I got a five word message from my son and my immediate thought was "He is alive." I was thinking that I had let go, because I know that I am powerless over his choices." Yet there was that part of me that still wants to be 'in the know' when in truth, it is none of my business.

It was suggested to me to sit with my palms up and just pray and turn people, places and things over to my HP. I do this, and have done it for several years, but when it comes to my son, there just isn't that unconditional surrender that I need to get to because I realize that I don't want to let go of the connection that has always been there between us.

I am not his Higher Power. Many times I am sure he thought I was his Lower Power. :( Just for today, he is in God's care. I will try to remember to continue to put him there daily.

Spirit Animal of the Week

The Butterfly: The Butterfly offers those who have an affinity with this spirit animal the inspiration to move through everymoment with lightness and an open mind. It encourages us to try new things and rediscover life as it was new.

Spiritual Animals and Totems

http://www.spiritanimal.info/butterfly-spirit-animal/

Every I had a change or came to a milestone in my recovery, like an anniversary or a new enlightening. When I had special events like a gay guy asking me to be his sponsor. We were at the water front, sitting at a picnic table, and a monarch butterfly lit on the table between us, paused and flew away.

When I was in the hospital because of migraines, I went out to the smoking area, I found myself saying, "God I can't continue like this, I need help." A monarch butterfly lit on the ground besides me. Landed, looked at me, took off a flew into the pattern of the sign of infinity, the number 8 resting on it's side. They changed my medication and three months later I found the willingness to quit smoking. Since then I have never had a migraine bad enough to go into a darkened room let alone the hospital. They are a sign of healing for me.

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I was living on the 11th floor, and sitting on my balcony with a friend and a monarch butterfly flew by. Didn't think they flew that high, but it did, and I had a major enlightening and healing. Because of the 4 rapes and abuse, it was like I was numb and frozen below the waist. After that visit by the butterfly, I gained freedom of movement, and I got my zig to go with my zag.

Have received many symbols, candle holders, candles, stain glassed decals, a butterfly made out of feathers, stickers, glasses, a bathroom set decorated with butterflies, and I am sure that there are more, but not coming to mind at the moment. I see them as gifts from God's Earthly Angels and I have been truly blessed.

Monarchs are special to me, but I feel just as blessed to see one of any colour, especially white. I look at them as a cleansing of getting rid of the old to make room for the new.

For me they are a sign of healing, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical.

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This was posted on another site in 2007.

It was true then and true today. Hugs not Drugs.

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Something I posted in 2011 on another site.

When I saw it tonight, I thought sometimes I have to eat them, the difference in today is I know when to spit them out. Other times, on a good day, I remember that the pit is there and eat around it.

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Growth

In AA I found that the focus was suppose to be taken off the self-centered "I" and put on the still suffering alcoholic, and yes, my recovery came first because without my sobriety, I had nothing, yet it was "stay sober and then do service." I had a friend who got so involved in service that she stayed sick for a long time, and she helped me to recognize it within myself, that I was again, looking outward instead of inward, using 'service' as a means of not looking at my own issues and dealing with my own recovery. Another one of those Catch 22s, I believe they call them.

The same in Al-Anon, I stayed sick for so many years, because I focused on the As in my life, not only did I play the blame game, I used them not to face myself and deal with my own issues. I didn't realize they were reflecting my own defects and shortcomings and as much as I would like to think I was so much 'better' than they were, because I no longer drank, I was still walking around in my dis-ease, because I was still wrapped up in the blanket of denial and thinking my stuff didn't stink.

For me 12 Steps are 12 Steps and it is about me and my recovery, no matter what issue I am addressing in today, be it my pain, my codependency and feeling lonely, be it my issues with my son, it all boils down to me surrendering and letting go and letting my God.

It is in the Big Book about being a selfish program and a lot of people get the message mixed up, after all it is a disease of perception. I always try to remember to ask for my own knowingness and my own truth in today and walk accordingly.

As the saying goes, the 12 Steps are a tool that fits any nut that walks through the doors of recovery. That was me, and it was desperation that kept me from 'bolting' back out the door when I got here, using was no longer an option. The Third and Fifth Traditions have kept me coming back. As I told a woman in Al-Anon many years ago, "Al-Anon is why I used in the first place." It was a lot of the old tapes, perception from childhood, and the pain I felt and didn't know how to deal with.

My sponsor use to say, "Fill yourself up and only give away the over flow. We hear things, at least I should say, "I heard things and saw them as a lot of mixed messages. I think it is important that we focus on our own healing before we try helping someone else.

Posted on another site in 2012

In today, because of my health issues I no longer take on sponsees, I will be a temporary one until they can find someone else; but I don't feel that I have the time to give them. So many of my days are turned around, and I have trouble thinking through the pain. When I get on the phone, most times I start losing my voice, when I talk. ;)

It has to begin with me, how can I focus on someone else if I am all wrapped up in myself and my issues.

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So many times we don't get our needs met, because we choose what we are going to accept and reject. How can my God meet my needs, if I close down because I don't like the messenger or the message I am hearing.

So often we look at the Source, forgetting that our God leads us to what we need. What is good for some, is not good for others. What is good for me one day, may not be in my best interest the next day. That is why it is one day at a time.

We have a preconceived idea of what need, what form it should be in, and where it should come from. This is a disease of perception. My best thought got me to the doors of recovery and/or to the doors of a church. Many were raised in a particular religion and feel that is what you need to go back to. It may be so, but I found it was best to go back with a changed attitude.

I was raised in the Gospel Halls, went back there, but found more Spirituality in Associated Gospel. I realized a lot of it was the people, the Gospel remains the same,in most cases, or perhaps gives up a different outlook. Personally, I went there for the music.

I find the teachings of a lot of religions not spiritual in nature. Being raised in the church didn't stop me from becoming an alcoholic, addict, codependent, etc., yet it took a spiritual outlook, to help me stop using, and gave me the freedom from active addiction.

Wherever we go,do we put conditions and boundaries on. Do we truly believe, or are we still role playing because we think it is the thing to do.

At a year sober, after using my Bible for meditation, I found out that I didn't know who God was. I went on a spiritual quest to find out who God was to me. After working the 12 Steps of AA and finding a spiritual solution, I went back to church at 5 years sober. I found I related it to what I heard in the rooms of AA and other fellowships. As my sponsor said, "Religion enhances my Spirituality. My Spirituality enhances my Religious beliefs.

When I take that inner journey, it is important to start by being honest and open to new ways to improving my life and sense of self.

I was told to suit up and show up for the day and start by cleaning up the outside, yet true recovery and cleansing had to come from within. In order for the inner Light to shine, I had to get rid of the darkness.

My sponsor told me that if I wasn't enjoying sobriety, what was I doing wrong. I have been given a new chance at life. The worst day in recovery far exceeds the best day when I was using.


Today I choose to forgive instead of holding on to resentments. Today I choose to let go of all feelings that block me from feeling love. Today I choose to see everyone through the eyes of love.

From Time of Joy

A post I made in response to a member asking how you make people understand about addiction:

So many people are in denial because they don't want to look at themselves. Often people think, well she can't have a problem, I drink, drug, gamble once in a while myself, and if she has a problem, so do I, maybe I should quit. Heaven forbid, I'm not ready to do that, maybe if I convince her/him she is okay, and tell them they are just fine, then we will all be just.....

It is also called justification and rationalization and their feeling of insecurity and the powerlessness that their love isn't enough, that you had to find something outside of yourself. They take it as their own inadequacy and they don't realize they don't have the power to stop us, and it is only through a spiritual program, with one addict helping another, that we identify, we admit, we heal and come to an acceptance of our problems. We learn to live in the solution instead of the problem.

For me, I don't have a drinking and drugging problem, but I still have a thinking problem because of old tapes, old habits, mixed messages and beliefs that have since proven to be false, and have regained my values and my faith, in myself, in God and in others.

So many people consider themselves clean and sober because they are not using their drug of choice. So many people I have found over the years, have used food, gambling, and pot maintenance (now it has been legalized in many areas), not willing to recognize the fact that the substance is but a symptom of our disease, and the problem is me, myself and I, not willing to look at ourselves and always looking outside of ourselves for the almighty fix or that quick fix that makes it all better. The bandage that hides the wound, rather than getting to the root of the problem and allowing it to heal.

Sorry I am a bit slow today. I was given a face mask to supply air to help me not to stop breathing when I am sleeping.

After processing how I feel, I woke with a headache. I hurt all over, and I think I expected some of my pain to be gone. I woke some what rested, and yet all I have wanted to do this morning is go back to my bed.

The machine when she put it on caused the head ache, pains in my chest, and had trouble breathing and they gave me a nasal spray. Don't want to stop breathing, but have been doing that since 2003 when I was last tested.

Trying to give it the benefit of the doubt and hopefully, it will be helpful. I am thinking I would rather wait until I see the lung specialist in August before I commit myself. He is to look at my throat and air ways as to why they are clogged up.

I would appreciate your prayers. Asking for things to be revealed so I can do what is right for me.

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In the back of the Big Book of AA, it says we need to go through a spiritual change of attitude, sufficient to aid recovery. Not sure it is exact, too tired to look it up.

The best way to get an attitude adjustment is to go to a meeting. My spiritual adviser said, "If your thinking is off and your is more self pity and into self, go the the closest hospital and look at the patience in Palliative Care.

What needs to change within me and what action do I need to take to change my attitude.

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The spiritual enlightenment for me was the phrase, "If you have to control it, it is alreadyout of control!"

I had heard this phrase around the rooms for several years and it mean nothing to me. I kept coming, I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but I wanted what the people in the rooms had. I knew I didn't want to go back to where I came from, so I just kept coming.

I thought maybe if just kept coming, some of what you head would rub off onto me. So I came, and said, "Hi, my name is JoAnne, and I am an alcoholic" and was in total rebellion, with the attitude, "I'll say it if I have to, and went through the alcoholic/addict stage. Ironically, I knew I was an addict, and I think it was because I knew the meaning of the word. Or I could relate it to chips, or cookies, and the feeling of more, but couldn't identify the alcoholism. I knew I misused and abused my medication, but it wasn't until many years later that I came to know it as dried-up alcohol.

I came but I did all the wrong things, I compared instead of identifying. I don't like beer, I didn't have black outs, I didn't pass out after so many drink, I could drive the car after drinking all day and night and not get pulled over, I could walk a straight line (my son use to say he looked out the window and saw Mom bringing B**** home). I didn't go to jail, I didn't get tickets, I didn't get cut off at the bar, and the list went on, and on, and on.

After I heard the phrase above, I came to realize "Don't look at what you didn't do, but look at what you did do!"
That was a different story. I decided I would rather be an alcoholic.

It wasn't until God saw fit to give me a dream to let me see how others saw me when I was drinking. I was a first class, manipulating b**ch, who told everyone how to do it, what to do, when to do it, and was aggressive and a loud mouthed person that I wouldn't have wanted for a friend. I had assumed that the reason that people had back away from us because of my ex-husband's drinking, when it truth, it was probably my conroling, manipulating and nagging ways. Now that was a spiritual awakening, and I was two years in the program. I was sober but I can honestly say I didn't have true sobriety until then. Sobriety for me means soundness of mind. You can't have sobriety and be in denial and life of secrets and control. I was continually at war with myself, and often with those around me because I didn't have my own knowingness. I only knew what was told to me, and I had to find my own path and my own truth.

My spiritual advisor said, "You will learn two thing. 1) How to work your program. 2) How not to work your program.

Keep coming, so you won't have to come back.

This may be a rerun, but I know the words, keep coming back, kept me coming so I wouldn't have to go back.

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This was posted in 2004. My son is still using, came by tonight with a whole lot of excuses and sad tales and thinks he is fooling me. I told him that he had to stop bringing his addiction into my space. I set boundaries and he is still ignoring them. At first I realized I like his help, but in today he makes more work and still the adult child who expects mom to make it all better. If I can't make it better, than it is all my fault in the first place.

Feeling sad tonight, but that is okay. It is a feeling and I no longer have to shove those feelings down, I can feel them and let them go.

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This was posted on another site in 2004.

In am still clean and sober ten years later.

It is still a one day at a time program.

Then and now! ;)