Morning Medicine
 

Quite A Puzzle

A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, “Go into the other room and see if you can put this together.”

After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.

“Oh”, she said, “on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right.”

Words From Above

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.” How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this?

Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!” :1:

Little Darlene surprised her mother with the postscript
to her bedtime prayer:

"And dear Lord, please send the beautiful snow to
keep the little flowers warm through the winter."

Climbing into her bed, she confided to her mother:
"That time I fooled Him. I really wanted the snow
so I can go sledding with my new sled." :169:

Light Confusion

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School
presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him,
gestured and formed the words silently with her lips,
but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue,
"I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud,
clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world." :D

The Hearing Aid

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!” :11:

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members’ private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… and left it there all night. :11:

One Sunday, Pastor’s sermon focused on how the children of Israel left Egypt and how they wandered in the desert for 40 years. On the way home from church, Mom asked Tommy if he remembered what Pastor had talked about. “Sure,” Tommy replied. “He talked about the children of Israel and everything they did. What I wonder is, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?” :169:

A preacher went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals.

The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn’t work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them.

He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems.

“I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses,” he said. “You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick.” :shocked: :39:

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” :169:

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story. Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.

The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!” :18:

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter. :169:

Favorite Restaurant

A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new
church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her
that if she were good during the service they would take her
to her favorite restaurant afterwards.

During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination
of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in
a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live
a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?"

The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!" :169:

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’ :11:

It is meant as a smile, but in reality, how often we hear others and take on their pains. We ask ourselves, "Maybe that is what is wrong with me?" I had to quit watching Dr. OZ all the time, because I was taking it all personal and becoming a hypochondriac. The power of suggestion can be dangerous when you have a dis-ease of perception.

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/i...wiQSlDkh_JcPhQ

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!” :169:

A Publicist for Moses

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians
are close behind us!”

General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our
own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for
that.”

Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build
barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”

Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can
promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get
you two or three pages in the Old Testament!” :11:

Just 2 2 funny, politics has been around for a long time!

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/i...mdRVkpWvXkSNVA

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied. . . . “They will in a minute.” :169:

The God drawing was posted on my now distinct web sites. Have always loved it, yet in truth, we all have our own image, and yet many use the pictures of others, because they can't build that relationship with their God and learn what and who their God is to them.

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher. “These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter in the Book of Mark.” :11:

The God drawing was posted on my now distinct web sites. Have always loved it, yet in truth, we all have our own image, and yet many use the pictures of others, because they can't build that relationship with their God and learn what and who their God is to them.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-24...flies/0229.gif

The last one, reminds me of my people pleasing days and my aim to please no matter what. When we tell a lie we either learn to believe it, or we forget, and get found out.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-24...flies/0022.gif

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.” :11:

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.” How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?” :169:

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members’ private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… and left it there all night! :11:

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!" :18:

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked… “doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”
Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!” :43:

A Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.

The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated. :11:

During the children’s sermon on Easter Sunday morning at his new church, the pastor decided to see how much the children understood about Easter. As the group gathered together, he asked them to tell him just what Easter means.

One little girl bravely raised her hand, and then told the pastor that Easter is when a giant bunny brings candy for children. The pastor smiled, trying to hide his disappointment with the answer.

“Okay, how about another?” he asked. Little Billy then added his thoughts, saying “Easter is when all the children color eggs and the adults hide the Easter eggs and let the children participate in an egg hunt.” The pastor’s smile began to fade.

But then, all the way in the back, little Sara humbly raised her hand. “Yes, Sara?” the pastor said. And Sara began describing how Jesus carried the cross and then was crucified and then his body was put in a cave with a rock at the entrance.

“Good so far,” thought the pastor, but then Sara continued.

“Then on Easter Sunday, the boulder magically rolled away from the cave, Jesus was resurrected and stepped out of the cave and saw his shadow. He then knew there would be six more weeks of winter.” :169:

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy.” :169:

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked… “doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!” :169:

I love it!!!! & I needed a chuckle this morning

Thanx... :smiley: :42:

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’ :169:

A Church Funny

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked
out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had
enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those
two men standing by the door? They're hushers!" :169:

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.” :169:

Higher Power

A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it
is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!" :169:

Thanks for sharing these, I just don't have time to be everywhere on the board, and today is catch up.

They say laughter is the best medicine.

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/i...-O4-7E22cv9mIg

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!” :169:

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter. ‘ :169:

Chocolate Chip Children's Church

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon."

One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied. :170: