Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2017
 

January 2

"Are you doing God's work or God's job?"

When I was new to the program, I had a slight control problem. OK, a Big Problem. I was pretty convinced I could manage, manipulate, plan and control people, places and things so I could achieve the outcome that would be best for myself and others. Needless to say, it was an exhausting and frustrating job.

As I began working my program, I began relying more and more on a God of my understanding to help me deal with and cope with feelings, events and situations in my life. The more I did this the more I learned that God's will for me was always better than anything I could have wanted for myself, and the less I tried to control and the more I let go, the better my life got.

My life improved even more when I began applying these principles to other people, places and things. I learned that other people had their own Higher Power, and it wasn't me. I learned that my job was to pray for knowledge of God's will and then to be of service. It was and is God's job to handle the rest. Today whenever I am uncomfortable or stressed I ask myself a simple question, "Am I doing God's work or God’s job?" That usually sets me straight pretty quick.

January 9

Quote of the Week

"If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it."

I came into the program with so much fear. I didn't even know how much fear dominated my life because I used drugs, alcohol, food, sex, people, anything I could to hide from it. As I began to get clean and sober, the fear bubbled up to the surface of my life and quickly manifested itself as anger, rage, irritability, discomfort and depression. I was not a happy camper in early recovery.

What amazed me about the people who would share in meetings was how they were able to walk through real life stuff that I thought would devastate me if I was faced with it. Deaths of those near to them, losing jobs, houses, spouses, illnesses, suffering, pain, etc. "How do they deal with all this and stay sober?" I wondered. "Where do they get the strength to face all this with peace, dignity and courage?

Today I know this courage comes from God. Today my fear has been replaced with faith in my Higher Power and I now know - from watching others and from my own experience of letting God lead me through my own difficulties - that I, too, can face life on life's terms and go through it all with peace, dignity and courage.

Today I know the truth in the saying, "If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it."

January 16

Quote of the Week

"Relationship: Real Exciting Love Affair Turns Insanely Obsessive, Now Sobriety Hangs In Peril."

Someone once said that getting into a relationship in early recovery is like throwing miracle grow on your character defects. The danger comes from not having developed a relationship and reliance on a Higher Power, so the other person quickly becomes one. Because people aren't perfect, this total reliance almost always ends in frustration and hurt feelings.

The other problem comes from our self-obsessive natures. Self-centered in the extreme and new to recovery, we obsessively use the other person to fill the tremendous void we still feel. We soon find, however, that our self-seeking continues to get us nowhere, and before long we stand at the precipice and our nascent sobriety is in danger.

Over time we come to understand the importance of developing and relying on a proper relationship with God. We learn to turn our character defects over to Him, and to give of ourselves unselfishly knowing that our true purpose is to be of service. Once we are on this right footing all our relationships flow smoothly, and we finally experience the peace and serenity we had always sought.

January 23

Quote of the Week

"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday so live in the now."

When I came into the program, I was so consumed with worry for my future that I couldn't even talk about what I was doing in the present. "But what happens if I lose my house; how about my career? What if I go to jail?" These and other future events where my new obsession once I put the drugs and alcohol down.

When I tried to tell others in the program my concerns, they gave me suggestions that seemed ludicrous at the time. "Help stack the chairs after the meeting", they told me. "Collect the coffee cups and go into the kitchen and help the others clean up", they advised. "Aren't you listening?" I wanted to scream at them. Instead, I washed cups...

It has taken years for me to finally learn the lessons they were trying to teach me, but it's clear now. Today, I have everything I need to be happy, joyous and free. And if I take care of the things in front of me today, then one day at a time my life can and will improve. I now know that today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday, so I now make the most out of living today.

January 30

Quote of the Week

“Reality is always so much kinder than the story I tell myself about it.”

When I was drinking, and my life was unraveling, what was even worse than what was happening was the story I told myself about it. To start with, I thought most people hated me – almost as much as I hated myself – but I found out later they just felt bad for me and wished I would recover. I also thought I had ruined my career and would never be hired again. And as far as ever having a relationship, the story I painted proved that I would be alone forever. At the end of my drinking, the reality of my life seemed quite dark indeed.

When I entered recovery, I brought my dark stories with me. As I laid in bed at night, I was consumed with negative thoughts about the damage I had done, and felt for sure I had done irreparable harm. I constantly obsessed about my health and worried I had cancer or some other horrible disease. I feared my financial wreckage and could feel the IRS and banks closing in. When I shared these stories with my sponsor, he simply told me to look at my feet. “My feet?!” I cried incredulously. He said, “Right here in today’s reality, are you O.K.?” I admitted I was. “Then if you stay in today and out of your head, one day at a time, you will always be fine.”

It wasn’t always easy to stay in today – and I still struggle with it sometimes – but when I do, I find the reality of my life is much different than the stories I tell myself about it. In reality, I have not only everything I need to be happy, joyous and free, but I have more than I could ask for.

Today I have a God of my own understanding that continues to perform miracles in my life. I am surrounded by a caring fellowship that is loving and supportive. Today I have the awareness to know that the reality of my life is much better than any story I can make up about it.

And for this, I am eternally grateful.

February 6

Quote of the Week

"Many of us get to Heaven by backing away from Hell."

At a meeting the other day someone was going on and on about how he hated being an alcoholic. What a curse he kept saying, why couldn't he be like normal people? Someone else then shared about the extreme gratitude she felt being an alcoholic, and she said that if having alcoholism was the only way of finding and establishing a relationship with God, then she would have gladly chosen to be an alcoholic.

This made me think about my own journey and attitude about my disease. In the beginning, I, too, was resentful I had to work a program and attend meetings, and I could never understand when someone identified as a 'grateful alcoholic.' Grateful for what? I'd wonder.

Now that I'm sober a while though, I have come to understand and appreciate what the Big Book means when it says our past becomes our greatest treasure. This has many implications, of course, but one is that if I hadn't been dying, and if alcoholism hadn't driven me to perdition, I may never have reached out for life, for the program and for God. It is indeed true that many of us get to heaven by backing away from hell. Today I know what it means to be a grateful alcoholic.

February 13

Quote of the Week

"We may be powerless, but we're not helpless."

Accepting that I was powerless over people, places and things was a concept I rebelled against on almost every level in the beginning. Before recovery, I labored under the belief that I could not only control others (especially those I loved and cared for), but that it was my duty to do so. Despite the fact that it rarely worked, I stubbornly persisted, frustrating myself and irritating and alienating those I was trying to control - er, I mean help.

When I entered Al-Anon, I was told that the reason I had been unable to influence, help or control another was because I was in fact powerless over other people, places and things. "If that's true, then there is absolutely no hope for this situation!" I thought. Accepting this was contrary to everything I believed and meant complete defeat and sure ruin. What was I to do?

By working my program, I soon learned that surrendering to this powerlessness was actually the gateway to a new freedom. Once the untenable burden of controlling or fixing others was lifted, I was suddenly free to invest my energy where I did have some power and influence - over my own life. And that's when I realized I was no longer helpless to really fix my life and situation.

Today I understand and truly appreciate that I may be powerless, but I'm not helpless.

February 20

Quote of the Week

"A God defined - is a God confined."

Long before recovery, and even many years into it, I had a need to understand who and what God was. I was sure that if I was "good" and acted the way I thought God wanted me to act, then I could control Him, and ultimately I would get what I wanted. I didn't know it then, but what I was trying to do was impose my will on God and make it seem like it was His will.

As you can imagine, this never worked out. The harder I tried to control people, places and things, presuming God's will was in alignment with mine, the more uncontrollable my life became, and the more I began to resent others, myself and God. It took many years for me to truly surrender my will and my life to God, but once I did I discovered a faith that went beyond understanding.

Today my faith confirms that God's will is infinitely better for me and others than I could ever imagine. By constantly affirming, "Thy will, not mine be done," I enjoy the freedom that comes from surrendering to the power and love of God. Today God is no longer confined by my need to define Him, and as a result I get to be a witness to His miracles as they unfold around me.

February 27

Quote of the Week

"I wanted to be famous but God made me anonymous."

I had some pretty big plans when I entered the program. Even though my sponsor told me it wasn't about money, property and prestige, I knew better. I was convinced that, being sober, I would finally write the books and create the products that would get me the recognition and riches I deserved. I even told my sponsor how good of a circuit speaker I would be and asked what I needed to do that. He smiled and suggested that a year of sobriety might be a good start.

As I began working the program, I made some startling revelations. In doing inventories, I found that there was a time when I had a lot of money, property and prestige, but I was still miserable. As I did more work, I discovered that the hole I felt inside could never be filled up with anything outside me, and the more I chased that, the emptier I felt. It was only when I surrendered the character defect of feeling terminally unique that I began to feel better.

One of the truest things I've learned in the program is that I will always feel less than when I compare my insides with someone else's outsides. It has taken years, but I now understand why character building and my spiritual connection must come ahead any outside success if I'm to be happy. And I now appreciate the powerful role anonymity has played in helping me develop these essential qualities.

Today I understand the folly of wanting to be famous, and the wisdom of God’s anonymity.

March 6

Quote of the Week

“The secret to my recovery is no secret.”

When I was new to recovery, staying sober – even one day at a time – was a seemingly impossible task at times. Old triggers lurked around every corner, and feelings descended on me without warning. While I was in a meeting I was O.K., but in between them, while out in my regular life, it was touch and go. When I saw people celebrate a year of sobriety, I wondered with awe how they were able to hang on that long.

As I got past 90 days and the fog cleared a bit, I began to acknowledge that there were people who had seven, fifteen and even twenty years sober and more! This was unfathomable to me. How could they not drink through all those New Year’s Eve’s and weddings, and tragedies? When I asked my sponsor what their secret to long term sobriety was, he told me it was simple – “You don’t drink or use, one day at a time.” I came to find out this was the basis of it, but there was more to the secret…

In over twenty years of recovery now, I’ve learned that in order for me to not take a drink, I’ve had to have a spiritual experience. And the way I did that was by working the Twelve Steps of the program with my sponsor. By doing this, I’ve developed a relationship with a Power Greater than myself, and as a result the man who writes this today is a very different man who crawled into the rooms all those years ago. My secret to recovery is the same as all the others – I still go to meetings, I still work the Steps, and I still don’t drink one day at a time.

As anyone in the program can tell you: the secret to recovery is no secret.

March 13

Quote of the Week

"Sometimes you don't realize all you need is God until all you have is God."

Even after years in recovery and with all my sober experience, I'm still amazed by my tendency to put so many things before God. Many times I'm convinced that the new car, that perfect job, or that relationship will be the answer and that my life will finally improve and I'll be happy.

My stubborn reliance on this myth can be pretty disappointing. I've been reminded in meetings that anything I place above God will be taken from me, and given the nature of life - how all things change - this has often proved true. It's painful when it happens, but the good news is that it always leads me back to God.

The greatest gift I have today, and the one constant source of strength and hope in my life, is my relationship to my Higher Power. My Higher Power has the answers and solutions to the problems I face and has a deeper love and caring for me than I'll ever comprehend. When I'm connected to God, there are no worries, no wants and no needs. When things get stripped away, as they will, and all I'm left with is God, it's then that I remember - all I ever needed is God.

March 20

Quote of the Week

"If God is your co-pilot, change seats."

Before the program, I wouldn't even let God on the plane. I was the pilot and co-pilot of my life and, fueled by self-will and self seeking, I took off and flew through the lives of others like a tornado. My thoughts were all about what I could get, take, or how I could control you to get what I wanted. What seemed strange to me at the time was the harder I tried, the less I got what I needed or wanted.

When I started working my program, the idea of putting God in charge of my life seemed downright irresponsible. Fueled by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, I couldn't fathom giving up control of my life. I was still under the delusion that I controlled not only my thoughts and actions, but the results as well. For me, faith was slow in coming. The key was willingness, and the more I turned over, the better my life got.

Today, one of the biggest gifts I have been given is a life of true freedom as the result of turning my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power. Through proven experience, time and time again, my life and the lives of those around me always flow more smoothly and turn out better when God is the pilot. Plus, it's easier being the co-pilot, I'll tell you. My job now is just to suit up and show up and let God take care of the rest. And He always does.

These days, when my life is getting a little turbulent, I look to see if God is my co-pilot, and if he is, I change seats!

March 27

Quote of the Week

“Those who laugh - last.”

I remember hearing the phrase, "We are not a glum lot" when I was new in recovery - I didn't believe it. I mean, here I was sentenced to attending meetings, prohibited from partying, and forced to believe in God. Things looked pretty glum to me. If it wasn't for the laughter I heard in the rooms, I may not have stuck around.

At first I couldn't understand what they found so funny. People would share embarrassing, demoralizing and even tragic experiences, and the room would burst into laughter. "I don't get it," I said to my sponsor. "Those who can laugh at themselves tend to last," he told me. Boy did I find that to be true.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in recovery is not to take myself so seriously. I allow myself to make mistakes today, and if I step on someone's toes I'm quick to make amends. Because of this my life is lighter today, and I find it easy to laugh at myself. This not only makes the journey more enjoyable, but it's what’s made it last so long, too.

Today I know that those who laugh - last.

April 3

Quote of the Week

"Before you do something stupid, wait 24 hours..."

Restraint of pen and tongue was a foreign concept to me before I entered the program. Instead, I was impetuous and acted on feelings of jealousy, fear, anger or hurt pride. Fueled by resentment, it was easy for me to justify my actions and ignore the repercussions and reactions of others. When I got into the rooms I was at odds with most people and alienated even from myself. My life had become unmanageable.

When I began working the steps, I learned to take the focus off what other people were doing to me and look at my own behavior instead. It was hard at first not to stop reacting to the many perceived wrongs I felt people were doing to me, but when I finally learned to put a space between what I felt and how I reacted, my life began to dramatically improve.

Today I've come to rely on the wisdom and the miracles that can happen in between my thoughts and my actions. Time after time, situations will automatically clear themselves up if I only wait, pray on them and turn them over. I am much less likely to become excited or agitated, and I'm much less likely to make things worse if I can just pause before I react.

Today I've learned that before I do something stupid, I should wait at least 24 hours.

April 10

Quote of the Week

“If God had made today perfect, there would be no tomorrow.”

As an alcoholic, I have a lot of black and white thinking. Things are either all right, or they are all wrong – there is very little in between. Before I got sober, this kind of thinking was a big handicap in my life. If I didn’t do something perfectly, then I considered myself a failure that day – and for all the days in the future as well. If something didn’t go right, I just gave up and became resentful. By the end of my drinking, I learned to not even try any more.

When I entered recovery and looked at the Twelve Steps for the first time, I secretly gave myself 30 days to do them. If they didn’t work, then I was going back out. When I finally got a sponsor, he told me we would work a Step a month. “What?!” was my reaction. He asked me how long I had been drinking, and I told him years. He told me I didn’t get to my bottom in 30 days, and that I wouldn’t recover that quickly either. He told me to consider sobriety as “slowbriety.”

As I worked through the Steps, one of the defects of character I discovered I had was perfectionism. As I slowly wrote a fearless and thorough Fourth Step inventory, I realized I hid behind the unrealistic ideal of perfection to escape the messy and difficult work of progress. When my sponsor pointed out that in the program we strive for “progress not perfection,” it released me from my obsession and allowed me to grow, to keep trying, and to value and appreciate the progress I was making. I finally learned that if I failed today, I could learn from it and try again tomorrow.
​​​​​​​
I’m glad God didn’t make today perfect, and I’m grateful for all the tomorrows I have.

April 17

Quote of the Week

“I suffer from ‘terminal uniqueness.”

I used to think I was so special. Wherever I went, and whatever I did, inside I’d constantly be thinking, “Look at me!” “Notice what I’m doing, what I’m wearing,” etc. I used to think that the world revolved around me and that I was too unique and special to extend myself and help somebody. “Someone else can be kind and save the world,” I’d think, “I’m way too important and busy for that.” Because of this self-absorption, people avoided me, and I ended up being ignored and alone.

When I entered recovery, I brought my self-centered point of view with me. I secretly felt that as soon as people saw how I did the Steps, there would be a revolution within all of A.A. As I began working them, however, and my ego began breaking down, and I had to confront the fact that I was no more special than anyone else. My sponsor told me I suffered from ‘terminal uniqueness’ and the sooner I let go of that delusion the better off I’d be. And the quickest way to do that, he suggested, was to get humble and help someone.

I used to think there were too many people and situations that needed help, so what was the point of extending myself? But then one day at a meeting I was told a story. Two people walking on a beach where a hundred starfish had washed up and were stranded on the shore. One of the guys picked one up and threw it back into the sea. The other guy asked what he did that for. “With all the other starfish lying on the beach dying, throwing one back isn’t going to make a difference,” he said. “It made a difference to that one,” the other guys replied.
​​​​​​​
And so it is with putting aside my feelings of terminal uniqueness. Today, I want to make a difference to that one starfish.

April 24

Quote of the Week

“Life is as bad as I want to make it.”

I used to make my life really hard. I’d wake up with a bad attitude and immediately begin searching for all the things that were wrong or that could go wrong. I hated my job but felt stuck in it. If I was in a relationship, I couldn’t wait to get out, and if I was single I was sure I always would be. When people tried to point out possibilities and options, I always found the negative. My life was pretty bad, and apparently I was determined to keep it that way.

When I hit bottom and had to enter the program, I was sure my life had descended to a new low. At first all I focused on were people talking about their problems. As I worked the Steps, though, I began to change. Soon I started listening for and finding solutions, and I began applying them in my life. Over time my life began to improve but what made the most dramatic difference was my attitude got better. Hope returned and possibilities appeared, and soon my life got kind of good. In fact, I even began imagining a brighter future.
​​​​​​​
Before I got sober, I used to think there were a lot of bad days. I heard in a meeting once that there are no bad days – just bad attitudes about a day. Someone said that on any given day somebody was going to a Beverly Hills dealer to pick up her new Bentley. It was a wonderful day for her, and they said that I lived in that same day. What made the difference was attitude. Today I have the tools to adjust my attitude and know how to be grateful for all I have and all that can be. I know that today my life can be as good as I want to make it.

May 1

Quote of the Week

“Are you willing to be amazed?”

By the end of my drinking and using, my life had gotten very small and there wasn’t much that excited me anymore. My existence had been reduced to a singular focus – getting loaded. The wonder and possibilities of life, the joy and anticipation of new friends, new opportunities and experiences were crowded out by my overwhelming obsession to drown myself in alcohol. As I slipped deeper into the abyss, I no longer cared if I lived or died. I had reached the end.

But once I surrendered and entered recovery, I discovered that the end actually led to a new beginning – the start of a sober life. As I worked the Steps, I found they acted like a ladder that allowed me to climb out of the pit of self. With each Step, I built a bridge back to others, back to life itself. As I learned to focus on my Higher Power and on being of service to others, the feelings uselessness and self-pity disappeared and I became reborn.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has awakened me to a life beyond my imagining. At first I just hoped to stop drinking, but as I worked through the Twelve Steps I got more than I could ever have asked for. All the promises have come true for me and so much more. The wonder and possibilities have returned, and I wake up each morning with a burning anticipation of what God has in store for me. I have discovered and pursued opportunities I never knew existed. I have had wonderful experiences like meeting and marrying my soulmate, and today I actually have peace and serenity.
​​​​​​​
Today when I hear a newcomer complain about his life, I listen and then ask: “Are you willing to be amazed?”

May 8

Quote of the Week

“I usually want justice only for myself.”

When I was new in the program, I was filled with self-pity by how unfair life was. I pointed fingers at all the people, places and things who that had done me wrong and asked where the justice was. “Why aren’t people making amends to me?” I asked. “What about all the hard I had endured through the years?” I bemoaned to anyone who would listen. “There is no justice in the world,” I said. “If life were fair, then things would be better,” I truly believed.

Until one day when an old timer confronted me and asked me if I really wanted the world to be fair. I indignantly said, “Yes!” He looked at me and told me he was thankful life wasn’t fair because if it was, then he would be in prison for some of the things he had done. He looked me straight in the eye and asked me where I would be if life were truly fair. That shut me up.
​​​​​​​
What I’ve come to realize now is that none of us are saints. We’ve all acted the best we could have given our awareness and where we were at the time. And I’ve learned that there is something more important than justice, and that is forgiveness. It’s much easier to be self-righteous than it is to practice love and tolerance, but that is the path to freedom and serenity. I now recognize the selfishness in wanting justice for myself, and instead pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out.

May 15

Quote of the Week

“Yesterday was the deadline for complaints.”

When I was drinking, I had a lot of complaints. I complained that I had to work a crummy job. I complained that people didn’t do what I wanted them to do. I complained that the system, the police, and even the world was out to get me. As my drinking progressed into active alcoholism, other people began complaining as well. They complained that I was out of control at parties; that I was selfish and didn’t care about their feelings, and that I had become a danger to be around. These complaints doubled my own, and soon I was consumed by resentments.

When I crawled into the program, I found more things to complain about. I complained about having to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I complained about the smokers in the parking lot. I complained about people talking and kicking the back of my chair during meetings. But mostly I complained about having to do all the inventories, and readings, and about the commitments my sponsor suggested I get. It was a slow process and it took a long time, but eventually I learned to replace my complaints with prayers, and once I developed an attitude of gratitude my life was transformed.
​​​​​​​
Today I still have a tendency to complain and look at all the things that I still don’t have or that might go wrong. But I also have a full spiritual toolkit today and proven ways to be restored to sanity and serenity. Gratitude lists are still my favorite tool, and anytime I’m in fear or feel like complaining I make a list of 25 things I’m grateful for. By the time I’m done, my perspective has completely shifted and I’m back on my spiritual beam. I realize now that yesterday was the deadline for complaints, because today is the day for living happy, joyous and free.

May 22

Quote of the Week

“Improve your memory – tell the truth.”

Toward the end of my drinking my memory got worse and worse. To start with, my mind was a big blur from being constantly loaded, or from recovering from a blackout. In addition, it got harder and harder to remember what story or excuse I had recently made up or who I had told what to. Because my drinking had become the most important thing in my life I had begun lying to protect it, and because most of the lies and stories I made up were followed by a drinking binge, I couldn’t keep anything straight. It’s no wonder people stopped hanging around me.

When I got sober and my head began to clear, I went right on lying and telling stories. As I worked the Steps what I realized was that I was lying to protect my ego and get my own way. I quickly found the truth in the statement that ‘self-centeredness and self-seeking’ was my natural state as an untreated alcoholic. It took a lot of inventories and conversations with my sponsor before I was ready to get honest. I also had to uncover, discover and discard a lot of character defects that were keeping me sick before I could fully recover.
​​​​​​​
Today my life is much easier now that my default is to just tell the truth. I no longer feel the need to defend or construct a big story because today I’ve learned how to be responsible and honest. Today I go through life looking for ways to be of service rather than to cheat or deceive. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to look someone in the eye again and feel a part of the human race. And best of all, my memory has improved because today I tell the truth.

May 29

Quote of the Week

“All unhappiness is the result of comparison.”

When I was in my disease, I had a very skewed sense of perception. Rather than think about the things I did have, I was constantly comparing myself to what others had that I didn’t. As I drove along Pacific Coast Highway, I’d look at all the homes on Malibu beach and envy and resent the people who had such wonderful lives. At restaurants I’d see couples enjoying a romantic dinner, and I’d feel sorry for myself alone at the bar. I was constantly comparing myself to what I didn’t have, and as I did what little happiness I did have slipped through my hands like sand in a sieve.

Before I attended my first meeting, my best friend made a recommendation to me. He told me to look for the similarities and not the differences. He knew how critical and judgmental I was and knew that if I focused my magnifying mind on the differences, then I wouldn’t stay. This was sage advice. As I listened for the similarities, I stopped comparing and began identifying. Once I learned that most of us felt less than and that comparing ourselves to other people, places, and things was just another way that alcoholism fed our discontent, I found a solution.
​​​​​​​
The gratitude list is a tool in my spiritual toolkit that gets used often. Recognizing that my mind automatically seeks the negative, I use it to be restored to sanity. Whenever I’m feeling less than, or when I begin comparing myself to others, I stop and make a written or mental list of 25 things I’m grateful for. These include my health, my sobriety, my awareness of and relationship to my Higher Power, my beautiful marriage, and all the other things I have including my ability to dream and have goals again. When I’m done counting my blessings, I’m also done comparing. And once I realize how much I do have, my happiness returns.

June 5

Quote of the Week

“We weaken what we exaggerate.”

I have a habit of exaggerating things to make sure you get the full impact of what I’m trying to say. This was especially bad when I was drinking excessively. On and on I would go, embellishing as I did, on how bad my financial prospects were, or on how badly I had been treated by – fill in the blank. I would exaggerate anything because I was sure you weren’t listening or that you didn’t really care anymore. And after years of lying, making things up, and exaggerating, who could blame you?

When I put the bottle down and entered recovery, I continued to exaggerate and elaborate the stories of what had been done to me. “You just don’t understand,” I would often begin. “But my case is different,” was a frequent reply. After a while my sponsor had me inventory my experiences, concentrating my attention on the invisible “fourth column” – my part. As I did, I found that the exaggerated role I had been assigning to others was actually more my responsibility. And as I got honest and began owning my side of the street in things, I found less need to exaggerate my experiences. People began listening to and trusting me again.

These days, as my wife frequently reminds me, I am still inclined to exaggerate to emphasize how people, places, and things still don’t go my way. But I’ve learned something very valuable: when I stay focused on my part, and relate my experience honestly and sincerely, I no longer have to weaken my story by exaggerating (much :--). Today there is less drama in my life because I no longer try to minimize my role in how my life turns out. It is enough today to simply speak my truth and keep my side of the street clean. And when I do, there is no reason to exaggerate – and thereby weaken – my stories to feel O.K.

June 12

Quote of the Week

“Do the next ‘right thing’.”

While I was drinking, I had a knack for making bad decisions. I choose inappropriate partners in relationships, cheated in my job, and made other short sighted choices that didn’t end well. What I didn’t know at the time was that the majority of the decisions I was making were based on selfish and self-seeking motives. By the end of my drinking, the consequences of these choices surrounded me, and I had to surrender.

When I was new in the program, I once again had many choices to make. How many meetings a week should I go to? Should I get a sponsor right away or wait for the perfect one? When should I get serious about working the Twelve Steps? I learned early on that I should never say no to an A.A. request, and I found that by taking A.A. suggestions my life improved. I also found out the difference between my will (usually based on self) versus God’s will (based on service to others), and this helped me identify the next “right thing” to do.

Now that I’ve been sober a while, I still have a lot of decisions and choices to make. Whether it is business or relationships, etc., I still have to choose between self-will (what I want) or God’s will (what would be best for others or the situation). When I stop to think about it, I always know what the “right thing” to do is, and when I choose this, my life, and other’s, runs more smoothly. I’ve learned, often through trial and error, that this is always the “easier, softer way.”

June 19

Quote of the Week

“Humility is our acceptance of ourselves.”

I used to think that humility was for the weak. In school, in business, and in life, I was taught to be competitive and to always strive to win. When I drank, I took this to the next level and became aggressive and looked for ways to dominate others – even if that meant cheating, stealing, or lying. Money, property, and prestige – regardless of how I got it – were my goals, and humility was not something I had any interest in. This relentless pursuit of “outside” stuff, fueled by the disease of alcoholism, brought me to my knees and drove me into the rooms of recovery.

When I got sober, there was a lot of talk about surrender, willingness, and humility. My ego fought against it all, and as I tried to acquire these character traits, rebellion dogged my every step. Thankfully, I learned new ways of framing these concepts. I was taught that when one surrenders, they “stop fighting, lay down their arms and join the winning side.” And that’s when I learned the true definition of humility.
​​​​​​​
I was taught that humility isn’t thinking less about yourself, but rather thinking about yourself less. As I worked the Steps, helped others, and got closer to my Higher Power, I began feeling better about myself. By doing a Fourth Step inventory, and then working my Eight and Ninth Steps, I finally forgave myself my past transgressions. I was given the gift of empathy and acceptance of myself. Today I feel comfortable in my own skin, and I appreciate the gift that humility truly is.

June 26

Quote of the Week

“Easy does it, but do it.”

I was quite a procrastinator before recovery. I had a lot of good ideas, but I didn’t want to act on them until I had thought things through and the time was right. For example, I wanted to go back to college, but I thought I should have my house paid off first. I wanted to get married, but thought I should actually have a house first. Regarding drinking, I thought I would be able to stop once I had a good job that allowed me to get a house, a wife, go to school, etc. I didn’t get much done.

In sobriety, there seemed like a lot of things I could do. I could get commitments, get a sponsor, work the Steps, and, oh yeah, stay sober. When I saw the saying on the wall that said, “Easy does it,” I relaxed and thought I’d just keep thinking about it all. And that’s when my new sponsor told me there is a chapter in the Big Book called, “Into Action,” not “Into Thinking.” He suggested I get busy.
​​​​​​​
I’m so thankful he directed me to jump in and become part of the program. He told me I should take contrary action if I didn’t feel like taking action, and that if I brought the body, the mind would follow. He told me that “Easy does it,” refers to my tendency to obsess and over do things, and that the “But do it,” part refers to my resistance to change. I learned that I can’t think myself sober – or into any of the things I want in life -- but if I take action, I can live the life of my dreams.

July 3

Quote of the Week

“Surrender is not a one-time thing.”

After a weekend of hard drinking, I would commit to sobriety on Monday. By Tuesday, I began to feel better, and by Thursday night I’d allow myself a couple of beers. By the weekend, I’d be hard at it again, and Monday morning I’d swear off drinking again. This pattern continued until the Thursdays became Tuesdays, and after a while I just gave up and gave in to my disease. Somehow I survived the abyss, and when I committed again it was to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

During my First Step, I surrendered when I admitted to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic and that my life had become unmanageable. After a few weeks, though, when I started feeling better, I began second guessing whether it had been that bad. Same thing happened with Steps Two and Three. I’d surrender my will and my life, but midway through the day, I’d take it all back. In discussing this with my sponsor, I learned that surrender is not an event, but rather a process.
​​​​​​​
There have been many surrenders in my recovery. Each day, I surrender my disease to my Higher Power, and I turn my will and my life over to His care. Sometimes this lasts ten minutes, sometimes several hours. But whenever I find myself uncomfortable or at odds with people, places, or things, I know it’s time for another surrender. Thankfully, I have the tools and the willingness to do this. Surrender is indeed a process, not a one-time thing. And the better I get at it, the better my life becomes.

July 10

Quote of the Week

“Formula for failure: try to please everyone.”

I used to drive myself crazy trying to please everyone. In my insane alcoholic home, I learned that if I didn’t make waves, and just agreed with everyone, then maybe for a little while there would be some peace. But it didn’t last long. Soon I would have to change, adapt, and give in again to placate the prevailing mood or attitudes of others. It was exhausting, and in the middle of it all I lost my sense of self.

In working the Twelve Steps, I discovered something else: I had a lot of resentments. I used to consider myself an easy going guy, but what I learned by doing a Fourth Step inventory was that by acquiescing to others by trying to please them, I was not only untrue to myself, but to others as well. By looking at my part in the fourth column, I realized that if I was to be happy and free, it was up to me to change.

Changing the way I interacted with others – especially with my family – was very uncomfortable for a long time. Suddenly I was no longer the push over, and when I disagreed or refused to go along with their ideas, I suffered their wrath. But at least I didn’t hate myself or hold the familiar resentments anymore. After years of being true to myself, I’ve healed my relationship to myself and to others. Today, I have successful relationships because I am no longer trying to please everyone.

And because of this, I live a life that is happy, joyous, and free.

July 17

Quote of the Week

“Recovery is an education without a graduation.”

One of the first things I asked my sponsor was how long I would have to go to meetings. I had been going to meetings everyday – 90 in 90 – getting commitments, showing up early to greet, etc. I was neglecting things at home and was wondering when I might “graduate” to not needing them anymore. He told me that when I got to the point where I wanted to go to meetings, that’s when I could decide whether to attend them or not.

While that didn’t make sense to me – secretly I never thought that I would want to attend meetings – I followed direction and kept coming back. As I learned more about the disease of alcoholism, I learned that I could never cure it. What I had was a daily reprieve from the insanity of the first drink so long as I maintained and fortified my spiritual condition. Each night, I was told, while I slept, alcoholism was in the closet doing pushups and getting stronger. This scared me, so I kept my commitments and meetings.

By following my sponsor’s suggestions, I have been able to achieve long term sobriety and much peace and serenity in my life. When “normal” people ask why I still go to meetings, I explain that it’s like someone who was overweight and out of shape. When these people go to the gym, exercise, and eat better, they tend to get fit. In order to stay that way, they need to continue going to the gym and to eat well. Same thing for me: if I want to keep my recovery, I need to keep going to meetings and not drink.

Today, I want to go to meetings because I want to keep what I have.

July 24

Quote of the Week

“Happiness is not having what I want, but wanting what I have.”

I spent many years trying to get things to make me happy. If only I could get my college degree, then I’d be happy. As soon as I get the right job, then I’ll feel fulfilled. When I meet “the one,” then I will be complete and happy. If only I had a newer, bigger car, then I’d feel accomplished. With each package UPS delivered, I’d feel excited for about ten minutes, then I’d feel empty again.

When I entered the program, I was hoping that sobriety would fix not only my drinking, but also my steady state of unhappiness. I was sure that if only I could get a thirty day chip, then a six month chip, or finally a whole year, then I’d be happy. It was certainly a shock to me to be five and even seven years sober and still find I had days that I was sure the next UPS delivery would fix me. Thankfully, I learned an enduring truth that always works when I work it.
​​​​​​​
My sponsor taught me, over and over, that things will never bring me that sense of completeness or happiness I seek. He told me that true fulfillment is in the giving, not the getting. I discover the wisdom of this when I work with others. They always give me more than I give them. In addition, he taught me how to feel grateful for all the wonderful things I already do have: my health, sobriety, a roof over my head, money to buy food, a job, etc. He told me that when I want what I already have, that’s when I will realize I already have everything I need to be as happy as I choose to be.

July 31

Quote of the Week

“Watch out; I still have a self-destruct button."

I used to be the master of self-sabotage and self-destruct. If things were going well – or might go well – I had the knack for ruining them. Surprise party for someone close to me? I would get tight at the party and spoil it. Great job interview in the morning? I would sleep in because I celebrated too hard the night before. I foiled countless opportunities and thought my punishment was Alcoholics Anonymous.

When I was 90 days sober, at my regular Wednesday night meeting to take a chip, I left because they were out of chips. I went home and drank. I beat myself up for months over that and finally crawled back four months later. As I worked through the Steps, I continued to make mistakes, and my anger grew into rage. To my surprise, I found my rage was mainly pointed inward, and that’s when I discovered that the core characteristic of alcoholism is a deep self-loathing. That is why we can ruin so many lives and drink ourselves to death…

It has taken many years to move beyond the illusion of alcoholic hatred. What I found is that in the core of each of us is not loathing, but rather love – God’s love. Recovery means that we find this love and learn to act from it, and to share it with others. We rely on the Steps to helps us grow past the destructive impulse of the disease, but we must remain vigilant because the disease never goes away. Today, I still have a self-destructive button, but I also have the path to healing and love.

And today, because of recovery, I have the power to choose God’s love.

August 7

Quote of the Week

“Be all right with being all right.”

I was always irritable, restless, and discontent before recovery. As a kid I was anxious and afraid of things. When I found alcohol, I finally found a way to be comfortable, hopeful even. Drinking gave me that sense of ease and confidence I saw other people had. Suddenly I could dance better, talk to girls, and be one of the guys. Unfortunately, the solution soon became the problem, and I had to quit drinking.

In recovery, I felt very vulnerable without my solution. Soon all the feelings I used to drown out with alcohol were front and center. At times I thought I would be overwhelmed with them, so I did what was suggested: I took them to meetings, I shared them in fellowship, I inventoried them, and I worked the Steps on them. Sometimes it worked, but for when it didn’t, my sponsor would always bring me back to the present. He’d ask, “Are you alright right now?” “Do you have enough food, gas, money, right now?” etc.

It took a lot to corral my galloping mind and rope it back into the now. But each time I’d have to admit that yes, right now I’m all right. Right now everything is taken care of. After years of going through this exercise, I have the perspective to know that I really am all right. Problems come and go, but I’ve always survived them and have usually done just fine. What I’ve learned is that the key to my serenity is truly being all right with being all right.

And when I can remember that, my serenity returns and I can actually live happy, joyous, and free.

August 14

Quote of the Week

“Sometimes you don’t make progress, you hold on.”

When I was new in recovery, there were many days when I felt I just wasn’t going to make it. I would see others take chips and cakes on their anniversaries, and I was pretty sure I’d be drunk tomorrow. When I met with my sponsor, he told me that even if I couldn’t see the progress I was making, others could. When he saw my look of disbelief, he asked if I was sober that day. I told him I was, and he told me the program was working for me even if it didn’t feel like it.

As I made my way through the Steps, it continued to be a roller coaster ride. Sometimes the pink cloud returned and I was filled with hope and gratitude. But other times I descended into the pit of despair and felt like I was going backward. During these dark times, my sponsor told me to just hold on. “Don’t drink today, and I guarantee it will pass,” he said. And it always did.
​​​​​​​
After many years of sobriety, there are still times in life when I don’t feel as though I’m making the progress I would like. What I’ve learned is that it is okay to just hold on during these times. I have found the solution is for me to stay sober, turn things over to God, get grateful for what I do have, and be open for what His will is next for me. Each time I do this, I find that holding on is actually part of the process that leads to the progress I was hoping for.

August 21

Quote of the Week

“Does it feel sober?”

When I first got sober, the only thing that changed for me was that I no longer drank. Most everything else, though, remained the same. I still stole money at my job, cheated in my relationships, and lied to my family and myself. I still remember when I heard at a meeting, “How do you know when a newcomer is lying? When his lips are moving.” That hit home in a very uncomfortable way.

As I began navigating the new world of the Steps, I kept running into the phrase, “rigorous honesty.” At first I kept looking for ways around that, but as I did my various inventories – a fear inventory, a resentment inventory, a relationship inventory – I realized I had to finally get honest with myself if I was to have any chance at this recovery thing. It took a long time for me to overcome my tendency to be dishonest, but each time I told the truth, I felt much better.

In recovery, they say that you “grow a conscience.” I sure did. After a while, it got harder and harder to live with even little white lies, and I soon saw and felt the wisdom of being rigorously honest. Today, I know the path to freedom isn’t in getting what I want by lying, it’s in speaking my truth and being accepted for who I am. These days when I have a decision to make, I just ask myself what feels the most sober.

The answer that most resonates with my conscience is the right one.

August 28

Quote of the Week

“A mistake is only a mistake when I don’t learn from it.”

It was hard making the same mistakes over and over. Each new relationship ended just like the last one, and after a while I just resigned myself to being single the rest of my life. Same thing with jobs. Each new, exciting opportunity ended like the last disappointment, and soon I was unemployed again, searching through the Sunday classified ads. As each area of my life crashed and burned, I finally had to admit the unmanageability of it all, and I surrendered.

When I finally reached Step Four of the program and learned about the first three columns of the Fourth Step inventory, I finally thought I would be vindicated. Now I could list what others had done to me and assign the proper blame for the failure of my life. And that is when my sponsor sprung the mysterious fourth column on me – my part. What at first seemed a gross insult – “What do you mean my part? Look at what they’ve done to me!” – soon turned out to be the key to my freedom and recovery.

What I learned is that it was my character defects that were truly the cause of my repeated suffering. Just so long as I was unwilling to change how I behaved, just for that long was my life to remain unmanageable. I learned that when I finally admitted and corrected my part, that was when I could begin learning from the mistakes I was making, and move past them. Today, when something doesn’t go my way, I am quick to look at my part and to see where I have been at fault.

Doing so allows me to not only learn from it, but avoid repeating it in the future.

September 4

Quote of the Week

“You can blame them for the way you are; you can only blame yourself for staying that way.”

I had a rotten childhood. Torn away from my father when I was five, I never saw him again. Torn away from my older brothers and sister when I was seven, I rarely saw them when I was growing up. Like itinerant farm works, my mom, step dad and I moved constantly. I attended four different fifth-grades, and was always the outcast through my school years. It’s no wonder I started drinking at seventeen years old and moved out of the apartment we lived in.

When I entered recovery, I kept to myself. I had no interest in fellowship, and I was guarded when speaking to my sponsor. Revealing myself through sharing at meetings, through inventories and other Step work was terrifying to me. I was going to keep much of myself in, and secretly I was going to keep blaming others. During my Fourth Step, my mom and step dad topped the list of resentments, and I laid the responsibility squarely on them for the way I turned out. And that’s when my sponsor explained today’s quote to me.

He told me that while my parents certainly had a huge impact over the first half of my life, it was now my choice as to how the second half would go. I could either choose to remain shut down, or I could have faith, clean house, and join the human race. Sure there would be times when I felt let down, hurt, or disrespected, but if I remained true to myself, I would make it through and grow stronger. He told that my recovery and future were up to me now, and that with God’s help, my sobriety, and the Twelve Steps, I could live a useful, fulfilling and even joyous life.

He was right!

September 11

Quote of the Week

“I don’t like things changing without my permission.”

I used to spend a lot of time and energy trying to arrange life to suit myself. I would like in bed at night planning not only my every move, but yours, too. I even used to think I could manipulate places and things, and I burned up a lot of energy foolishly trying to bend life to my will. And then I would wake up and things would change, so I started all over again trying to twist the changes to my will. I was exhausted when I entered the rooms.

Once I attended about a week of meetings, I started planning how my recovery would go. I laid awake at night thinking about where I would sit at meetings, who would sit next to me, what I would share, etc. I planned out the first year of my sobriety, including the new job I would get, the perfect sober woman I would marry, and the circuit speaking I was sure they were going to ask me to do. And then I woke up and the meeting had moved, my sponsor told me no relationships in the first year, and that I should hold off on changing jobs until I had more time. I started feeling exhausted again…
​​​​​​​
That’s when he told me I might want to “Let go, let God.” My sponsor suggested that I begin taking my life one day at a time, and that I begin asking for God’s will instead of trying to get my own. He told me I would be much more open to the changes that constantly happen in all our lives once I turned things over. It took a lot of practice, but when I started going with the flow and welcoming change, that’s when I began seeing the miracles and opportunities that come with it.

September 18

Quote of the Week

“How can I help you?”

Before recovery, I was all about helping myself. At parties, I helped myself to your alcohol and party favors. At work, I helped myself to your leads and referrals and territory. In relationships, I took as much as I could, and I only thought about giving back if it would help to get me more. As my drinking progressed, I helped myself to larger quantities of alcohol until finally someone suggested I get help in A.A.

When I came into the program, everyone seemed so willing to help me. People gave me their phone numbers, they offered me rides, and invited me to fellowship. Someone offered to be my sponsor and take me through the Steps. It was great! But I soon learned that if I wanted to get well, I would have to help myself. It was suggested that I take commitments, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and help others. At first I resisted helping someone else, after all, I was still new and needed help myself. But then I learned the great truth about this program.

As I began talking to newcomers after meetings, listening to them and sharing what little experience I had, I began feeling better. I found that whenever I was having a tough time, the way out was always to help someone else. As I began sponsoring others, I found that I got just as much out of it as they did. In fact, it felt so good to help others that I began looking for ways to help around the house, at work, or in any situation. These days, whenever I’m feeling anxious about a situation or uncomfortable, I simply ask how I can help.

When I do, I see the wisdom in the saying, “It is always better to give than to receive.”

September 25

Quote of the Week

“Everything I have is the property of A.A.”

When I heard someone share this from the podium in a meeting one day, I was struck with an immense feeling of gratitude for all I have been given in recovery. As I write this this morning, I am on a business trip in Atlanta, GA, having been flown in by a company to work with their employees. I am highly respected (and paid) today. This is a sharp contrast to the unemployed (and unemployable) thief I was when I crawled into the rooms many years ago. Every area of my life has been transformed as well.

Today, I have meaningful relationships that are healthy and mutually fulfilling. I have a fellowship of people who trudge the road of happy destiny with me. Sincere people who would be there for me if I needed them. I am very happily married to a wonderful woman who loves and accepts me for who I am. I also have close friends outside of the program who respect and value my opinion – and me, theirs. Compare this to the lone wolf who had been abandoned by most people, including myself.

But most of all, recovery has given me something I didn’t even know I wanted or could have: peace and serenity. I feel comfortable in my own skin today, something I never had before. All this comes from my relationship with a God of my own understanding. Contrast that with the confirmed agnostic and sometimes atheist who came into the rooms all those dark, drunk days ago. I have more, so much more, in my life today, and I owe it all to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everything I have, and that I am, is truly the property of A.A.

And for that, my gratitude knows no bounds.

October 2

Quote of the Week

“Welcome to A.A.; the place where you grow up in public."

After a few months in the program, I began hearing people share that their emotional development stopped at the age they started drinking. They said they felt as if they had the coping skills, and the emotional responses to situations and people, that they had when they were teenagers – or younger. I was seventeen when I started drinking, and I, too, felt baffled at how to deal with people, places, and things. Many of my reactions were that of a selfish and self-centered adolescent.

When I started working the Steps, I heard another common saying that people also felt as if they had missed the day at school when they handed out the instruction manual to life. I really related to that. The good news, my sponsor assured me, was that the Twelve Steps would provide the best instruction ever, and that I only had to be rigorously honest and willing throughout the process. As I uncovered, discovered, and discarded my old self, and built a relationship with my Higher Power, I began to grow up – but it wasn’t always pretty…

I made a lot of mistakes as I evolved and changed over the years. It was often embarrassing, and sometimes even a little humiliating, to admit my mistakes and some of my ongoing selfish thoughts and behaviors in the rooms with other people in meetings. But the acceptance I found, the identification and support I received, made it safe to discover myself and grow into the man I am today. And the laughter! When I learned to laugh at myself, I learned to forgive myself.

And that’s what made growing up in public possible – and even enjoyable at times.