Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2016
 

January 4

Quote of the Week

"God can't give you anything new until you let go of the old."

Oh how I love to hang on to what I think I know. I came into the program filled with opinions, ideas, resentments, attitudes, beliefs, etc., and even though many of them were literally killing me, I fiercely resisted letting them go. I was obstinate and defensive, but because I had hit a bottom, I was also willing to try something new.

That willingness was the crack in my personality through which God's energy and grace entered. I was taught that with willingness comes surrender, and one by one I began peeling back the layers of the onion that were my old ideas. As I uncovered, discovered and discarded them, God gave me new ways of looking at, thinking about and acting in my life. Slowly, a new man was being born.

What I have found over the years is that letting go is a constant and ongoing process. Each new relationship, job, situation or season brings me face to face with some old ideas or opinions that I've not examined yet. When I become stuck or unhappy these days, I now know to pray for the willingness to let go so God can give me something new.

Today, I'm not as resistant to let go because I know that God always has something better for me.

January 11

Quote of the Week

"God will never give you more than you can handle - but life will."

Before recovery, life was pretty overwhelming. It seemed that no sooner had I put out one fire that two more started. Without a Higher Power in my life, it was up to me alone to handle everything, and before long I become resentful at how unfair life was. This caused me to drink even more, and after a while my life was completely unmanageable.

When I got sober and started working the program, my life actually got more unmanageable at first. Still without a Higher Power, I tried to solve all the problems of my life and handle all the new emotions I felt. Doing this quickly brought me to a complete surrender, and this was when my sponsor taught me about the importance of working steps one, two and three.

He told me to get up each morning and say, "I can't; God can, let Him." By doing this each day I was taking the first three steps, and that's when I began turning my will and my life over to a Higher Power. The miracle of this was that even though life continued to overwhelm me, I found that with God in my life I began to find ways to deal with it with courage and grace.

Today I know that life will still give me more than I can handle alone, but with God, I can handle it all.

January 18

Quote of the Week

"If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because they are putting fertilizer on it!"

I've spent a lot of my life envying what other people had, resenting I didn't have it too, and feeling I deserved it. I've always felt smarter, more talented, better looking, and more suited for the success I've seen others enjoying. I never understood why others seemed to have all the breaks until I entered recovery, and then I got a harsh lesson...

As I started to share my feelings of entitlement with my sponsor, he began to ask me some difficult (for me!) questions. "Why didn't you stay in college?" he asked. "Money is in sales, not college," I answered. "If you think you'd be such a great actor, why haven't you taken acting classes?" "Ah, it's not what you know, it's who you know," I scoffed. After a while, he pointed out that I had all the answers except the one that mattered.

It took me a long time before I could admit that perhaps the reason I wasn't successful was because I wasn't doing the things that successful people do. As childish as it may sound, I learned that the world wasn't waiting to give me things just because of who I thought I was. It took a while, but now I get it:

If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because they are putting fertilizer on it!

January 27

Quote of the Week

"My mind is like a bad neighborhood - I don't go in it alone."

One of the dangers of being alone for me is that I start thinking. Now for a normal person that may be OK, but for an alcoholic like me that almost always means trouble. Colored by the disease of alcoholism, my mind seeks problems and reasons why nothing will work out. Even my so-called "good ideas" soon get me into trouble.

If I dwell in the bad neighborhood of my mind I can also get pretty depressed. I once heard that alcoholism wants me dead but will settle for drunk. If I get lost down its streets, soon I'm cut off from you and the light of my Higher Power and I start believing its dark thoughts. Depressed and alone, my disease has seemingly won - until I reach out.

Today I've learned to share my thoughts with others and to let them into my thought process. I'm no longer comfortable going into the neighborhood of my mind alone and find over and over that things always work out best when I take company. Today when I'm feeling anxious or depressed, I ask myself if I'm in the dark neighborhood of my mind alone. And if so, I call you.

February 1

Quote of the Week

"Anger is one letter away from Danger."

When I came into the program I was so angry, but I didn't realize how much. For years I had used drugs and alcohol to numb these feelings, to manage and hide them. When these were taken way, my anger quickly turned to rage, and I soon found that I had turned much of this rage inward. In fact today I still believe that a core characteristic of alcoholism is self-loathing.

Thank God for the Steps. By working the 12 Steps I learned to forgive others and myself, take responsibility for my part, and I learned how to surrender to a Higher Power. Slowly I began to release a lot of the shame and resentment that made up a lot of my rage.

But I still get angry sometimes. And these days I've learned that when I do get angry, I'm still in danger of turning it inward and acting in self-destructive ways. I'm quick to isolate and grow more depressed, to tell someone off and create resentments, or even to eat too much and go into self-loathing. Thankfully today I've learned to acknowledge and deal with my anger before it turns into rage.

Today I realize that anger is one letter away from danger.

February 8

Quote of the Week

"Directions to recovery: Just go straight to hell and make a U-turn."

When I was new to the program, I heard a word I didn't know the definition of. The word was perdition. As the fog began to clear my, sponsor recommended I look it up, and when I read its meaning I knew it accurately described my state of being - perdition means complete spiritual bankruptcy.

During the final dark months and days of my drinking and using, one by one, I abandoned my self-respect, my self-care, and ultimately the light of my spirit. I was on the way to a private hell where hope and life itself would soon disappear forever. In a desperate moment a part of me reached out for help, and I made the u-turn that led me to recovery.

The miracle that I found in recovery is the miracle that awaits us all - no matter how far down we have fallen, no matter the state of perdition or the depths of hell into which we have descended, we will recovery if we are willing to work the steps. And when we do, we will find that the very experience that nearly took our lives enables us, over time, to help and save another. This is the enduring miracle that is available to all who keep coming back.

No matter what, don't leave before the miracle happens for you, too.

February 15

Quote of the Week

"For every nut in the program, there is a bolt."

When I first entered the rooms of recovery, I was a little taken aback by some of the strange characters I heard share. Some had been to prison; some had lived on the streets; some had been prostitutes; some were ex-gangsters, and some were still pretty crazy. "These people have nothing in common with me," I told my sponsor. "How are they going to help me get sober?"

"Some of these people may not be able to help you directly," he said. "But the fact that they can get this thing and stay sober shows that you can, too." I saw his point. "Besides that," he continued, "even if they don't have the exact experience you've had, there will be someone else who will. No matter what's going on with you, there will always be somebody who has the experience, strength and hope you'll need.

Over the years, I've found this to be so true. One of the things I've learned to count on is that there always is someone who can help me regardless of what I've been or are going through. This has taught me the value of everyone in the program - not just those that I can identify with.

Now I know that there is a bolt for every nut in the program - even me!

February 22

Quote of the Week

"R&R stands for rest and relaxation, not rehearse and rehash!"

"If only my mind would leave me alone," I often think. I have what I call a "digging mind." Like a dog at the beach, it digs and digs and digs in a problem, a worry, or in some other imagined potential problem area or scenario often without my approval or awareness. It loves to uncover negative thoughts, feelings and fears, and then rehearse ugly scenarios, or rehash old problems.

My digging mind is not only relentless, but it is consistently negative as well. I never find it digging in a positive or hopeful place. I can't recall it dwelling on or digging in the hole of getting that great job, or relationship, or winning the lotto, or of having things work out. No, driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, it searches the beaches of disappointment and failure, and digs away.

R&R always meant physical relaxation to me. It wasn't until I heard this saying that I thought to give my digging mind a break as well. In fact, before this saying I didn't realize how active my mind stayed when I did try to rest and relax. Today I realize the importance of reigning in my digging mind and allowing (sometimes forcing) it to rest and relax as well. Giving myself a break - a total break - provides me with the renewal and space I need to let the love and light of my Higher Power in. Today, I've learned how to truly rest and relax

February 29

Quote of the Week

"When all the little things really bug me, it's because there's a big thing I'm not facing."

Irritable, restless and discontent - that's my normal state as an alcoholic. Going to meetings, working my steps, praying and relying on my Higher Power are the ways I get restored to sanity and actually achieve some peace and serenity. But even when I am in a calm space, if little things still bother me I now know to look beyond my alcoholism.

It's amazing how my first instinct these days - even with considerable time - is to deny or ignore things that are uncomfortable in my life. And it's been my experience that not facing what at first appears to be a 'big deal' often turns it into one and quickly makes my life unmanageable. And the first signal I have that I've done this is that all the little things (stuck in traffic, misplacing my keys, a line at the market) start to really bother me.

Today I've learned to acknowledge these things and recognize them for what they are - indications that there is something bigger that I'm not dealing with. As soon as I take the time to look at what's really going on, I immediately begin to feel better. And once I begin to apply the tools I've been given in this program to deal with whatever is going on, I find that it really isn't such a big deal after all.

Today I use the little things to help me become aware of and to deal with the 'big things.'

March 7

Quote of the Week

"My sanity today is directly proportional to my honesty."

Before recovery it was hard to keep my story straight. As my drinking and using increased, my omissions turned into half-truths, and these turned into little white lies. After a while I couldn't recognize the truth anymore and as I became disconnected from people and myself, my very reality changed and my sanity disappeared.

As I began to get sober, I started in on the overwhelming task of unraveling the massive knot of lies, stories and deceptive behavior I had engaged in. I felt shame, anger, and remorse as I painfully made my way back to the true self that had been buried beneath the disease of alcoholism.

The road back to sanity began with the words "rigorous honesty." Although seemingly straight forward, the challenge I had was in coming to believe that of myself I was enough, and that if I spoke my truth I would be accepted. The miracle is that the truth actually did set me free, and today the more honest I am, the more peaceful and serene I become.

Today, my sanity truly is directly proportional to my honesty.

March 14

Quote of the Week

"God's message to me is 'stay out of the way, but be ready!'"

This quote made no sense to me for many years. I mean, in the beginning the whole concept of "turn it over" and "surrender" was as foreign to me as speaking another language. I fought every step of the way to control every aspect of my life and was sure I could do it, too. As I worked the steps, though, I was confronted with the unmanageability and wreckage of my life, and I finally admitted that perhaps I didn't have all the answers.

As I began to surrender to the program, I felt like I was getting a lot of mixed messages. On the one hand I was told to "let go and let God," yet then I was told to "suit up and show up." Which is it? I wondered. When do I need to use my will versus when do I turn it all over? This was all very confusing to me for a long time.

Over the years I've finally learned the difference. Today I know that it's my job to prepare to take the next indicated action to the best of my ability and to remain willing. The results, the actions and reactions of others, and many other things, however, are all in God's hands. Today I understand God's message to me is 'stay out of the way, but be ready.'

And by continuing to work the program one day at a time, I am.

March 21

Quote of the Week

"I learn to stop trying hard, and learn to try different."

We alcoholics are a stubborn lot. When I entered the program, there was only one way to do something - my way. And if that didn't work I would just try harder. Bolstered by a seemingly limitless supply of self-will, I was convinced that I could and would get something I wanted. Exhausting though it may have been (for me and those around me) sometimes I even succeeded.

When I entered the program, I was told I needed to change my thinking and abandon my old ideas. While I changed some of them, I still thought that my will, my determination, and my way of doing and getting things would still work. I tried hard to let go, and when that didn't work, I tried harder. In recovery, though, my tolerance for pain isn't as high and I feel the affects of trying hard much sooner, and, more importantly, recovery shows me that there might be another way.

When my sponsor first suggested that I pray about a problem or situation, and then turn it over to my Higher Power, I first thought, "Well that's not going to work. I've got to ..." When I tried it I found that it did work, and over the years I've discovered many other ways of handling things. Now when I'm struggling with a problem or situation, I stop trying so hard, and I try different. And it works (when I work it!).

March 28

Quote of the Week

"We found we couldn't help ourselves, but we could help each other."

Before recovery I did everything I could think of to get better on my own. I'd try to stop drinking during the week; then on Mondays through Thursdays. I'd join a gym and exercise a while, or I'd go on a healthy diet. I went into therapy to work on myself, and I started journaling. At the end of all of this, though, I'd find myself alone, depressed and drunk.

When I entered the program, I thought I might finally learn how to help myself. Instead, I was given direction that made no sense. "Wash the coffee cups after the meeting," I was told. "Get a commitment to get to a meeting early and set the chairs up." "Become a greeter and ask other people how they are doing." What about me? I thought. How am I going to get better if I'm focused on helping others rather than myself? Even though I didn't understand it, I was desperate, so I followed your direction.

And that's when the miracle took place. Over time I came to see that alone I couldn't, but together we could recover. I learned that the solution began when I got out of myself and helped you. That when two alcoholics got together, that's when the power of God flowed and healed us both. Ultimately I learned that when I was helping you, you were helping me and that was the solution I could never find by myself.

Today I know that while I can't help myself, I can always help you - and together, we can help each other.

April 4

Quote of the Week

"Three most dangerous words for an alcoholic: ‘I've been thinking.’"

It took me a long time to learn that my head isn't my friend. For years I heard it was best to run my thinking by others, but I secretly never believed it. My head would always convince me it had a better idea, and time and time again I followed its advice. It almost always turned out bad.

After many more bottoms, I finally became willing to check in more with others. It was hard at first because I was sure I wouldn't like what I heard, but once again contrary action saved the day. After listening to and following others suggestions, my life actually began to get better.

What's so interesting is that today, even with years of experience doing this, my head still tries to convince me to follow its advice. I know better than to listen to it (most of the time), and I will forever be grateful for my sober experience and the loving support of the fellowship.

Today, though, I still know the three most dangerous words for me are: "I've been thinking."

April 11

Quote of the Week

"You're exactly where you're supposed to be."

For as long as I can remember, I've been unhappy where I was and wished I was somewhere else. In school I always wanted to be in the next grade; at work I wanted a more senior position making more money; when I bought my first home, I quickly wanted one with a pool. When I entered recovery, I brought this same impatience and unhappiness into the rooms with me.

I remember complaining to my sponsor after a few months that things hadn't gotten better, and that I even felt worse. He listened patiently and then said, "You're exactly where you're supposed to be." This didn't make sense to me, and as my life continued to unravel and as I grew more frustrated, irritated and angry, I kept complaining. His answer remained the same, and it took years before I finally understood what he meant.

One of the most important things I've learned in recovery is that accepting where I am physically, emotionally and spiritually is the necessary key to changing it. Once I stop resenting how things are or wishing they were different, I can begin working with God to make them better. But it all begins with acceptance of where I am right now.

Today I know that I'm exactly where I should be, and I know how to make it better.

April 18

Quote of the Week

"When I get the flu, I forget I was ever healthy."

I've heard that the "ism" in alcoholism can stand for many things, but my favorite is "incredibly short memory." In sobriety, this presents a double problem. First, having a disease that is constantly telling me I don't have it is hard enough, but because of its incredibly short memory, I often forget how bad things were. The trouble, the demoralization, the hopelessness are all forgotten when my memories are painted with the brush of alcoholism.

Second, my incredibly short memory also quickly forgets the good times I've had in sobriety and the possibilities and hope I felt even a few hours ago. An event, a mood, getting a cold, nearly anything can trigger my alcoholism and the color of my life quickly drains, leaving me in a black and barren place. With no hope, and no memory of the bad times, alcoholism has me right where it wants me.

This is why I go to meetings. In meetings I get the outside reminder of what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I get to hear my story come out of your mouth and suddenly my memory returns - it was bad, and I belong here. I also get reminded of the hope and possibilities I have as I see and participate in the miracles of your lives. And that's when the miracle of recovery happens for me, too. Once again I am safe, I have recovery, and my memory is working perfectly.

April 25

Quote of the Week

"If I'm not the problem, then there is no solution."

When I came into the program, I had a lot of problems and most of them were your fault. My girlfriend didn't understand me; my boss didn't appreciate me; the police didn't like it when I drove after just a few drinks (I was fine!), and on and on. If everyone would just get off my back, then I’d be fine I thought.

When I began working my program, I was introduced to the 4th Step - made a searching and fearless moral inventory - and my sponsor showed me how to make a list of all the persons and institutions I resented. Finally I could put down on paper and document how I had been wronged. Perfect! I thought. But then he slipped in a fourth column called, "My Part", and told me to document my role in all my resentments and interactions.

Now that was a tough pill to swallow. With his help though, and a willingness to be fearless and thorough, I was able to see that I did have a part in them all. And what a gift that turned out to be! I discovered that if it was all your fault - and I certainly couldn't control or change you - then I would forever be a victim and nothing would change. But if I took responsibility for my part - which was something I could control and change - then I was released from the bondage of resentment and was finally free to live a new and better life. Thank God!

Today I understand the wisdom in the quote: "If I'm not the problem, then there is no solution."

May 2

"If you don't have hope then death is a formality."

Before recovery, my life was spiraling out of control and each area just got worse and worse. I had lost my job; my relationships had all but ended, and I had lost hope of my future ever getting better. In some of the darker hours, death didn't seem so bad...

For a while, the only glimmer of hope I had came from the first few drinks I took. This instant euphoria didn't last, however, and soon I was once again mired in the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization of my alcoholic bottom. It wasn't until I finally surrendered that real hope began to return.

I first saw this hope on the faces of people in meetings, and I heard it in their stories and witnessed it in the miracles taking place in their lives. Soon I believed there was a miracle waiting for me, too, and after a while I found that hope had returned, and I had begun to live again.

Today I have a healthy fear of death again, and I try to pack as much into the stream of life as I can.

May 9

Quote of the Week

"Don't take yourself so **** seriously!"

When I came into the program, everything was a big deal, and I was very serious. My finances, my future, my wreaked relationships - everything was overwhelming. I remember attending meetings and hearing the laughter and thinking, "What's so **** funny? The only reason we're here is because our lives suck!" It took me quite a while before I could join in with that laughter, and the moment I did my life began to change.

As I got further into the program, that sense of impending doom began to dissipate, and I felt like I could breathe again. The secrets and shame I had hidden so long began to come out, and as I shared what was inside me with others, I began to feel lighter. I began to laugh more at myself and with others, and I finally began to feel human and a part of again. Most of all, I started to realize what was truly important.

Today I know that the future will take care of itself if I take care of today. I now have faith that there is a God working in my life and that even if things don't go my way, that's not only OK, it often turns out for the better. Today, money isn't as important as relationships, and the only thing that really matters is health and sobriety.

Today I've learned to live life on life's terms and, most of all, not to take myself so **** seriously.

May 16

Quote of the Week

"If nothing changes, nothing changes."

In early recovery I heard someone say that, "If you get a horse thief sober, all you have is a sober horse thief." I learned that the 12-step program is a program of recovery because it is a program of change. Just getting sober isn't enough. I have known many people who came into the program and stopped drinking but either delayed or didn't work the steps, and they soon found that they still had all the old problems, feelings and circumstances they had while drinking. Besides not drinking, not much had changed.

"The same man will drink again." Another saying I heard when I was new reveals yet another danger of not working the steps and so not changing. Driven and haunted by the pain of the old self, it is a short distance to the temporary relief and old solution of drinking. Once again, if nothing changes (besides not picking up a drink), nothing changes, and the same man will soon drink again.

"The only thing we have to change is everything." The miracle of the program comes as we work the steps, abandon our old ideas, and discard our old self. The big book tells us that we become "reborn" as a result of working the steps, and it is this new self that is capable of living a new life that is happy, joyous and free. The good news is that this total change is much easier than it sounds and a natural result of working the steps. Ultimately, everything changes as we change.

May 23

Quote of the Week

"If you're feeling far away from God, you're the one who moved."

I remember sitting in meeting after meeting hearing people describe what their concept of God was. The one that resonated with me the most wasn't a God who caused or allowed good or bad things to happen, or judged or rewarded behavior, but rather the concept of a peaceful river. Someone told of their God who's love and peace flowed like a river and that the river was always there, always available to them. It was a constant source of serenity, understanding and forgiveness.

She then shared that whenever she was feeling scared or agitated or discontented, it was a sure sign that she had wandered away from the river of God. The further she strayed, the worse she felt. Sometimes she would travel for days and would find herself lost, seemingly alone and quite afraid.

During those times she needed only to stop and listen for the distant sound of the river. Immediately she would make her way back, and as she got closer, the familiar feeling of calm, peace and comfort would return. Once she was back at the river's edge, serenity returned and she was filled with gratitude knowing that God's grace and love was always available to her. For me, the presence of God is like this river.

And I know if I'm feeling far away from God, I'm the one who has moved.

June 6

Quote of the Week

"The longer I'm sober, the drunker I was."

Denial is an amazing thing. When I first entered the program, I had no intention of staying sober longer than a few months; I just needed to pull things together a little, get myself under control again. I wasn't like the real alcoholics I heard share in meetings, and I was sure I could control my drinking again once I cooled it a bit. After all, it hadn't been that bad I told myself.

As the fog cleared, though, and I began journaling and working the steps, more began to be revealed to me. I especially remember sitting in meetings listening to people share about being arrested for drunk driving and thinking that never happened to me. I was sober over a year before I remembered that when I was seventeen I crashed my car into two parked cars and was arrested for reckless drunk driving. That was a humbling memory...

As I peel back the layers of my past and uncover the truth about my drinking and using history, I'm amazed at how lucky I've been. I've heard that prisons are packed with alcoholics and addicts who never found sobriety, and I now know I could easily have been one of them.

Today my denial is gone and the longer I stay sober, the drunker I realize I was.

June 13

Quote of the Week

"There are no victims, only volunteers - you always have a choice."

This was a tough lesson to learn. When I was new to Al-Anon, I was a victim to so many people and situations and when I spoke to people about it, what I was hoping for was some sympathy and understanding. Imagine learning that I was instead a volunteer for the drama and pain in my life. That was a large pill to swallow.

And it didn't go down easily either. After I accepted I had a choice, and actually began exercising it by not engaging or by acting differently, other people got pretty upset. They were used to me playing a certain role and grew angry and resentful as I began to take different actions.

The breakthrough came as I persevered and worked the Al-Anon program. The miracle was that as I changed and recovered, the dynamics of my relationships changed, too. Suddenly, as I took more responsibility for myself, other people took more responsibility for themselves as well. As I focused on myself and recovered, other people and situations improved as well. It all started when I accepted my role as a volunteer and began making different choices.

June 20

Quote of the Week

"The reason the program works is because we're not all crazy on the same day."

After I was in recovery a few years, I remember hearing some people sharing and thinking they were still clearly out of their minds. This scared me because I realized I relied on them to save my life. A week later, I remember sharing some of my own stuff and also realized that I, too, probably sounded kind of crazy as well. And that's when I heard this week's quote.

This quote means many things to me. To start with, it reminds me I still have the disease of addiction, and that my thinking will always be affected by it. It also reminds me that in the rooms I have the freedom to be myself - whatever that happens to be that day. In fact the saying, "Do you want to save your ass or your face", has literally saved my life a few times. It also reminds me "the reason we're all here is because we're not all there."

The hope and strength I take from these sayings is that alone I can't, but together we can. Together we make up the mosaic that is recovery and despite those times when I still feel a little crazy, I am comforted as I see the miracle still taking place in your life. Someone once said that he only needed one meeting a week, but went to five because he never knew which one it was going to be.

Thank God the voice of recovery speaks through us all, one day at a time.

June 27

Quote of the Week

"Resentment - Taking poison and hoping the other person dies."

Boy was this a shocker the first time I heard it. I was new in recovery and I had so many resentments that I didn't even know about them all yet. What I also didn't realize was that the people, places and things I resented didn't know or care about how I felt. The only person suffering from my resentments was me.

When I started working the fourth step - made a searching and fearless moral inventory - I began to see all the resentments I had secretly been harboring. As I uncovered, discovered and then discarded them, I felt a new freedom and a sense of peace and happiness came into my life.

Today, I understand the danger and futility of having resentments. Today I prefer to remain comfortable in my own skin so whenever I'm upset or feeling slighted, I look for my part and clean my side of the street. If I'm still feeling resentful, I pray for the other person for two weeks - this always works.

Today, I no longer let resentments poison me, because today I choose to live happy, joyous and free.

"Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It's the second one
that makes the quarrel."

July 4

Quote of the Week

"Behaviors are like tennis rackets; if yours is broken, get a new one.”

A woman at a meeting shared that behaviors are like tennis rackets. While a tennis racket works for a while - years even - eventually the strings wear out, the grip comes apart, and after a while you have to get a new one. She said that for years she was using rackets of behavior long after they had stopped working. It was only after she 'got a new racket' that her life improved.

When I was new to recovery, I had a lot of old, worn out rackets, too. What I didn't realize was that the reason my life wasn't working was because I kept trying to use them to achieve different results. When I spoke with my sponsor about it, he told me that unless I worked the steps and changed the way I thought and acted, the results in my life would stay the same.

Today, I'm much better at recognizing my old rackets of behaviors, and, thankfully, I'm more willing to try something different. Today when areas of my life aren't working I know to look at my behavior, talk to someone in the program and pray for guidance. Today when my racket isn't working, I'm quick to get a new one.

Today I know that I can't win if I continue to play with an old racket.

July 11

Quote of the Week

"Just another Bozo on the bus"

All my life I’ve been taught to do whatever I could to be the best. In school my parents drove me to work harder than everyone else so I could get A’s and stand out. In athletics my coaches drilled us to practice harder and then pushed us to give it all we had so we could win it all. When I began working professionally, it was very clear that average performance would get you fired, and that if you wanted to excel and move up, you had to work harder and be better than everyone around you. Even when I partied, I prided myself on being about to out drink and out use you as well…

Because of this, when I entered the program my ego was accustomed to comparing and to finding ways of proving I was better than you. When I heard some people’s stories, I immediately felt better than because I had never done that. And when it was suggested that I clean the coffee mugs after a meeting, I thought that was beneath me; I mean, don’t you know who I am? All these feelings of entitlement and imagined privilege nearly sabotaged my recovery, but luckily I heard today’s quote and was able to humble myself long enough to truly understand it.

My sponsor explained to me that if I wanted to get and stay sober, then I had to deflate my ego and learn to become, “right-sized.” He told me that I wasn’t any worst or any better than anybody else, I was simply a child of God. He suggested that I would get along with people better and live more comfortably in my own skin if I could begin striving to become “average.” It took a lot of years for me to see the wisdom in this kind of thinking and living, but now I’m truly happier trying to be just another Bozo on the bus.

July 18

Quote of the Week

"Age will take care of your ego."

When I was young, I was filled with “piss and vinegar” – and ego. It was all about what I wanted, what I thought I deserved, and I didn’t think twice about how I got it. As my drinking and drug use got worse, my ego only seemed to grow. Isolated in the prison of self, with only self-seeking and self-centered motives, I finally hit a bottom. In that brief moment of desperation, my ego was temporarily defeated, and I surrendered enough to enter the program.

As I began working the Steps, and as my life got better, my ego rebounded. It was a constant struggle to rein it in. Thankfully with the help of my sponsor, the support of the fellowship, and by working the Twelve Steps, I was able to humble it enough to grow beyond its insatiable demands. I am grateful to how the Steps are structured, and especially to Steps Ten through Twelve, which allow me to keep my ego in check.

Now that I’m older and in a different stage of my life, the things that were so important to me – money, property and prestige – are more in the rear view mirror, and I am glad I’ve grown past them. Today, being comfortable in my own skin and grateful for what I have is much more satisfying than any of the things my ego thought I needed to be happy. I heard someone say that when you get older only two things really matter: having health and time. When I was younger those two things weren’t even on my list. But now, with a little bit of wisdom and a lot of recovery, I see the truth in today’s quote: age does take care of your ego.

July 25

Quote of the Week

“Never look down on someone unless you’re helping them up.”

I used to love taking other people’s inventory. My fragile ego thrived on looking down on others, reveling on those who had less, made less, or weren’t as smart as I thought I was. By constantly comparing myself to others, I could always justify my behavior, and regardless of how bad I did, I was always doing better than most of the people I looked down on. By denigrating and devaluing other people and their experiences, I became not only numb to them, but to myself as well.

When I entered the rooms of recovery, I brought my twisted perspective with me. I immediately began judging and looking down on others, disregarding their experience and unique challenges. Soon I found myself alone, bitter and feeling apart from again. I nearly went out. Once again it was my sponsor who helped me locate the inferiorities and fears within myself that caused me to put others down so I could feel better. Through working the Steps, I began to realize that everyone’s path is different, and that if I were in their shoes, dealing with what they had to go through, I might have done much worse. It was a revelation that truly humbled me.

Today I have learned to step back and view others with empathy. Because my ego is more right sized – I am no better nor worse than you – I no longer have to look down on you to feel better. Today I can look you in the eyes and understand we are the same. Today I look to help you, because when I do, I am helping myself and all others in the program get better.

Today, when I’m looking down on someone, it’s because I’m trying to help them up.

August 1

Quote of the Week

"It’s not about letting God in today, it’s about letting God out."

For years I hoarded all the good that was inside me. The capacity I had to be of service, to care for others, to truly make a difference in other people’s life, I diverted to serve and advance my own selfish needs and wants. When you needed help, my first thought was, “What’s in it for me?” If I couldn’t find a compelling answer to that question, I wouldn’t bother. This attitude left me barren of feeling, alone and self-destructive.

In early recovery, I was still pretty shut down and unwilling to help or participate. When others offered to help me, I was suspicious of their motives. “What’s in it for them?” was my reaction, and I remained distrustful for quite a while. It took contrary action for me to follow my sponsor’s direction to be of service at meetings, to take commitments like greeting people, or cleaning up afterwards, or going out to fellowship. Although I was convinced I would get nothing out of it, over time I found I was wrong.

There is a saying in the rooms that recovery is simply a matter of one alcoholic helping another. The miracle of the program is that this simple act of giving without the expectation of getting anything back is how it all works. The innate capacity in us to love, to give and to be of service reflect the same qualities of the God within us all. The magic and healing of recovery come from letting this energy of God out, rather than damning it in to benefit ourselves. As the poet Browning said, the ultimate goal of us all is to, “set the imprisoned splendor free.”

And that’s why today it’s not so much about letting God in, but letting God out.

August 8

Quote of the Week

“If you think you want a drink, just roll the tape to the end.”

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. It’s the only disease that constantly tells me I don’t have a disease. That’s why sometimes, and without warning, I’ll find myself nursing the idea that a drink might be a good idea. A nice cold beer at a barbecue; a glass of red wine at dinner; a colorful cocktail at a chic bar. If I just think about the drink, I could be thinking myself into big trouble…

At the meetings I attend, there are recovery slogans on the wall. “One day at a time,” and “Live and let live,” and such. There is also a slogan that is hung upside down, and it is “Think, Think, Think.” When I asked my sponsor why it is upside down, he told me it was for two reasons. One is that most alcoholic’s thinking is twisted when it comes to alcohol, and two, it’s upside down so you notice it the most – it’s that important.

When I “think” past the drink, and roll the tape to the consequences of where that drink will lead me, I recoil as if from a hot flame. The illusion of fun and easy times is replaced by the hopelessness and incomprehensible demoralization I’ve experienced before – and that I know will come again from picking up that first drink. Today I am able to think my way to the inevitable, miserable end and so save myself and others from the hurt and suffering that alcohol has always caused me.

August 15

Quote of the Week

"Meeting Makers Make It"

When I was 90 days sober, I saw a guy take a seven year anniversary cake. He talked about how grateful he was, about his sponsor and sponsees, and how he still went to at least five meetings every week. I was appalled! Seven years sober and he still went to that many meetings?! In fact, still went to meetings at all? If he could go seven years without a drink, wasn’t he better by now?

After the meeting I asked my sponsor how long I would have to go to meetings, and he said I’d have to keep going until I actually wanted to go to meetings. This made no sense to me at the time because going to meetings didn’t seem to be an option, but rather an obligation. I knew that if I didn’t go, then I’d soon be drinking and using again. I also harbored the idea that one day I would graduate. I’d learn how to control the urge to drink and would be normal again. I soon learned differently.

The longer I went to meetings, the more I discovered that those people taking cakes for longer term sobriety were the same ones who consistently went to meetings. The other people who I say occasionally and then stopped seeing eventually went out. And that’s when I made the connection: meetings makers make it. I realized that in order to retain the sense of ease and comfort I’d found, I needed to keep receiving the message of experience, strength, and hope I heard in meetings.

Today, gratefully, I want to keep attending meetings, and now as an ‘old-timer’ I realize that by consistently making meetings, I’ve been able to keep making it.

August 22

Quote of the Week

“You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.”

After a meeting the other day, a newcomer with 71 days asked me to sign his court card. “How’s it going?” I asked him. He told me it was tough – his wife and kids and job were demanding, and all his friends were still drinking and using. He said he was just trying to hang on. I asked him how sobriety was going and he said he felt awkward in meetings – he didn’t really know what to share and was afraid of looking uncool or stupid, so he just didn’t say much. That’s when I told him that he couldn’t save his face and his ass at the same time.

When he asked me what exactly that meant, I told him my experience when I was new. When I got to the rooms I was quietly dying inside, but I was desperate for people to like me. I wanted to fit in, to say the right things and to be a part of. I was pretty sure that if I told you how I really felt: scared, ashamed, angry, that you wouldn’t want me there, so I smiled and just said I was fine. I was saving my face, but my ass was on fire and falling off.

When my sponsor directed me to start being honest, to share what was really going on, things immediately changed. First, you didn’t reject me; instead you opened up to me and let me know that you felt the same way, too. After opening up, I also felt great relief and my days starting going better. Most of all, though, I learned that it was O.K. to have feelings and that my feelings weren’t going to kill me – and they weren’t going to drive you away either. Suddenly I saw the wisdom in saving my ass first.

By doing that, I was able to discover my real face and found that it would be accepted for who I truly was.

August 29

Quote of the Week

“Stick with the winners.”

In high school I was pretty much a loner until I discovered alcohol and drugs. The moment I did, I began hanging out with the “wrong” crowd. I started ditching classes to get high with the stoners, and hanging out at night drinking and going to parties. I soon became the lower companion parents told their kids to stay away from. While other students were concerned about their GPA's and picking colleges, I was considered one the losers who would be working a minimum wage job after school – which is exactly what happened.

When I entered recovery and started going to meetings, I saw that there were two kinds of people there. There were the ones who participated by greeting or setting up the meetings, and then there were those at the edge of the street smoking and flicking their butts on the sidewalk. There were those who sat near the front of the room and raised their hands to share, and then there were those who sat in the back and talked or who spent more time on their cell phones than listening. There were those who stayed after the meeting and thanked the speaker or reached out to others or helped clean up, and there were those who left early and were never seen at fellowship.

Right from the beginning, my sponsor taught me to “stick with the winners.” He always sat us in the front row and told me to greet any newcomers after the meeting by offering my time and asking how they were doing. He taught me to participate in meetings by taking commitments that got me involved and encouraged me to interact with others. By doing these things I was able to forge strong connections with other people who were committed to their recovery. As a result, I had a solid base of people and relationships to draw upon when things got tough – which they did.

Today, I still look for those people who are working the program because I know that by continuing to “stick with the winners,” I’ll become a winner myself.

September 5

Quote of the Week

“The worst vice is advice.”

Everybody has an opinion. And before recovery, I would readily give you mine. It didn’t matter if you asked for it or not; it didn’t matter whether I had ever taken the advice myself to see if it worked; and it didn’t matter if it made you feel better or worse – I was addicted to giving advice, and if you were nearby, you’d get it. As you can imagine, I was pretty obnoxious to be around, and all my advice didn’t seem to help anybody. In fact most people grew to resent me, and as fewer people called my circle of friends grew smaller and smaller.

When I entered the program, I still had a lot of advice to give, but my sponsor suggested I listen to what others had to say for a while. When I kept trying to tell him my good ideas, he pointed out that my best thinking got me a seat in a recovery meeting. When I persisted and tried to tell him about relationships, and career choices, and investing, he told me people might not be interested given that I was single, unemployed and broke. That kind of put me in my place…

What I learned by listening to others share is that they didn’t have advice. Instead, they offered their experience, strength and hope. If someone didn’t have direct experience to share, then they would encourage me to find someone who did. Over time I learned that advice is worthless without compassion, understanding and experience that comes from a shared point of view.
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Today I don’t offer advice on things I don’t have experience with, and I don’t give it unless I’m asked for it.

September 12

Quote of the Week

“I’ll never be alright until it’s all alright now.”

I’ve always lived waiting for some future time or event to make me happy. “When I meet ‘her’ then I’ll be happy.” “As soon as I make enough money, then I’ll be alright.” “When I finally pay off my house, then I’ll feel secure.” Happiness, security, feeling alright was always tied to something I didn’t have right now – and that meant that in the present I was always irritable, restless or discontented. It was no wonder that I drank and used all the time.

In recovery, I learned a whole new way to live, and I was given tools to help me be present. “One day at a time,” was a huge help as I despaired at remaining sober forever. When I started worrying about not having enough money or health or companionship next month or next year, my sponsor would ask me if I had everything I needed right now. As we went through it, I admitted I had a roof over my head, money in my pocket, food to eat and a whole fellowship to draw support from. These and other tools helped me to stay present and appreciate that right now, I was alright.

I once read a saying by Pascal that really resonated with me: “All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone.” And that’s when I finally understood it all. Being able to be comfortable in my own skin regardless of what’s going on is the path to the happiness, security and contentment I always sought in some future event. The miracle is that this feeling is available to me right now, right here. In fact, I already have it.

Through working the Steps, I have discovered how to be alright, right now.

September 19

Quote of the Week

“We never know the difference between a tragedy and a blessing.”

When I got sober and stopped doing drugs and drinking, I thought it was the worst tragedy ever. First, I thought I could never go to Europe again – I mean who could enjoy England without going into a pub and having a pint? And could you imagine a café in Paris without a glass of wine? And how about all those special times like New Year’s Eve, weddings, weekend parties, etc.? Everybody would be drinking and enjoying themselves, and I would be stuck in a corner alone and hating it. Tragedy? It was like the enjoyment of the rest of my life was gone for good.

As I worked the Steps in recovery I began taking inventories of my drinking and using career. What emerged wasn’t a pattern of drinking like other people and enjoying parties, but of getting drunk, blacking out, and engaging in humiliating behaviors. During my last trip to Paris, I realized all I wanted to do was drink red wine, not visit museums or monuments. I even sent a postcard to my best friend saying I should have just stayed home, bought a case of French wine and saved myself the $3,000 it took to travel. After remaining sober a few years, though, a new pattern developed – I began enjoying life in a rich and meaningful way.

What started out as a tragedy – getting sober – has turned out to be the biggest blessing of my life. My life today is indescribably better than I could have ever hoped for. And what it all comes down to for me is that today I try to do God’s will rather than my own. My wife and I now look at things differently. When something doesn’t work out the way we hoped, we now ask, “Is that a bad thing?” Instead of getting upset that we didn’t get our way, we now wait to see what God has in store for us. So many times what ends up happening is much better than what we had in mind.

Today, I have the wisdom to look beyond a seeming tragedy and look for the blessing instead.

September 26

Quote of the Week

“My brain is like a photographer’s dark room; the only thing I develop is negative.”

Towards the end of my drinking I was as much addicted to negative thinking as I was drugs and alcohol. Alcoholism robbed me of hope, took away possibilities of happiness, and the only snapshots of the future I could see were dark and blurry. As I descended further into the abyss, I was convinced that things weren’t ever going to get better, and somewhere deep inside I had given up. When I finally got some help, my sponsor told me I had reached my bottom.

When I began to recover by working the Steps, I learned that alcoholism is a disease. At first I didn’t believe that – instead I thought I was just weak willed. But after listening to hundreds of other alcoholics share the same dark fears and feelings that I had, I realized the common characteristics of alcoholism: self-loathing, negative thinking and utter defeat. To recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind, my sponsor told me I needed to work the Steps and experience the spiritual transformation that God would make possible.

While I didn’t believe that would happen for me, I am grateful to report that it did. Today I have a different, more positive voice inside that comes from my true self, from the child of God that I actually am. Recovery has returned the hope and happiness that I believe God wants for me, and today I experience those feelings by doing what God wants me to do – help other alcoholics recover and discover His light.

Today in the darkroom of my mind, I develop some beautiful images and pictures of a life that is happy, joyous and free.

October 3

Quote of the Week

“Keep the broom on your side of the street.”

It is so easy for me to point my finger and judge. “He’s not open minded enough.” “She should stop telling people what to do.” “He’s driving like a jerk.” “She’s not raising her kids right,” etc. By constantly criticizing and condemning others, it’s also easy to avoid looking at my own behavior. It’s easy for me to become self-righteous, and from that high perch I ultimately find myself disliked and alone. When my big ego isn’t getting the attention it thinks it deserves, it’s easy to get on my pity pot and think poor me, poor me, heck, I should pour myself a drink!

When I entered the program, I was still pointing fingers. “I drank because she didn’t understand me.” “I used because my boss was unreasonable and demanding.” “I’m an alcoholic because my dad was one.” My sponsor showed me that when I was pointing my finger at others, three fingers were pointing back. He encouraged me to work my Fourth Step to see what my part might be in my resentment and judgements, and that’s when my recovery began.

By turning my magic magnifying mind away from others and onto my part, I began to see that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. I soon found that I wasn’t so open minded either. I loved telling people what to do, and I was often the one in back of you honking my horn. My sponsor helped me see that any fault I could spot in others meant that I had the same one in myself. He taught me that by working hard to eliminate my own character defects, I would be able to free myself and others from unkind and unnecessary judgement.
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By doing so, I finally learned the wisdom and benefit of keeping the broom on my side of the street.