In today, too many, but my God and I will work through them.

I told the speaker at tonight's meeting, said he had real issues with the word God. He spoke of his search for an understanding of God. I went up to him after the meeting and said,"Spiritually is noticing a bird and all nature had to offer." I never noticed such things when I was using. I even threatened a bird outside my window with my shoe because he woke me up.

For me there is no family, what I see and imagine, I would rather not. A lot of condescension, a lot of self-righteous talk, yet not living it. Talking and laughing at someone behind their back, is not good Christian living and on the other hand, my son who believes in no God, at least not one who cares for him. It is sad, all I can do is pray. If they want to judge me by my past, they can. I made things right with my God and I have no problems with looking myself in the mirror. I just got tired of being used and abused. As I have said before, "If that is Christian thinking, I want no part of it."

Jesus showed us the way to walk on this earth, I find none of those things in the principles in today. That makes me sad.

I don't call it small, prayer works wonders and we are all part of the whole, no matter what country we live in.

Fear can keep us paralyzed and paranoid, and a whole lot more, when we allow it to isolate us from doing what we need to do to move forward. Recovery bring about a lot of decision making, and it is advised not to make any major ones in your first year of recovery.

That first year for me was spent building up faith in my God and faith in the program. The program allowed me to go any where and it helped me to decide whether I was going to trust it or go back to my old way of life. My past was riddled with fear, it was fear based, and there was no way I wanted to go back there.

Through my God, which I found in the program, I was able to trust and get to know me. As I have said many times, and I learned it my first year of recovery, and it is just as affective in today, 22 years later. This is a one day at a time program.

http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/...ctive-disorder

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-c...n/con-20021047

Not sure I don't have this myself. It was very enlightening.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-c...s/con-20021047

There was no communication in my marriages unless it was to tell me to shut up, my opinion didn't matter or wasn't asked for.

You can't communicate and have a relationship if you are talking to a brick wall, so I just had to let go, and not take on his/her stuff. I had to learn to take my Q-Tip with me everywhere I went, I had to quit taking it personally.

My first thought was my laundry. My second thought was my postings, and my third was to return phone calls, and after that, there are too many things about my own recovery that are too numerous to count, but my God and I work on them daily.

Love it, use to watch my mother put out the clothes and then I grew and it was me who put out the laundry and me that took the fresh smelling clothes off the line.

Music was a big part of my life. My mom played the piano and my two younger sisters sat beside her on the piano bench and I looked over my Mom's shoulder and we sang until we lost our voices. We did this every night after dinner, all gospel songs, and it was made special when my dad was there and he joined in.

Although I grumbled about the sore knees and the sun but picking wild berries and weeding a big, big garden, I always liked the rewards of the harvest. Like wild strawberry pie, blueberry crisp, oorn on the cob, with sliced steak tomatoes and homemade bread. Yum!

With all that, my favourite is still the beaver pond, surrounded by birch trees, long green grass, and a field of colourful wild flowers. As they say, keep it simple, get back to basics.

We use to did pretend houses in the sand after the garden was harvested and in the winter, built snow houses and forts. Life seemed like it should be good, but there was also a lot of emotions and feelings of unhappiness and something was missing, even though I went to church 3 times on Sunday, prayer meeting and young people's when my dad would drive us, and thanks to my mom, she would host it at our place so people would come to us. She made batches of Chelsea buns and butterscotch rolls.

The fear was there at six and many things over the years covered it up and things were used to hide it and the insecurities and the unknown, not knowing what I did wrong because if it was wrong, it was all my fault.

Today when I came out of the mall, and a great big black ant passed under my walker. When I saw it, I had the thought "Slow down, you are moving too fast." I was going to walk home but decided to go by bus. I took the first one that came along and walked home an extra two blocks. Just as I was turning into Hess Village the bus I normally took, passed me. I might have been better to wait, but sitting when I am sore isn't easy. I could have waited but I wouldn't have gotten the exercise.

One of the gifts I got on the bus I took was a beautiful baby with the biggest dark blue eyes I had seen. They were so open and seemed to be aware, but she didn't look at day over 3 months. When I got to Step 3, I found a new awareness and found that reality some times sucked. Things would come to light, and I could sit with the guilt or process it and set myself free. I just had to deal with it, I found it difficult to live without changing it and looking at things with a new perspective.

When I slow down, I don't miss the glories that are there for me, I can get caught up in busy, and forget to open my mind and encompass my God's Grace. Just for today, I will choose to say thank you.

Well I got left out a few times, yet there were times I was chosen because I had a strong network and people wanted me because they wanted to use my network to solicite for their wants and needs.

So many times I felt used and I had to change my attitude about it all. If it was good for the whole, I would say yes. If it wasn`t, I wouldn`t let them or myself to be used.

I had confidence and yet I could be shy, and over the years, I made myself speak up and out. I did it in the Legion, would up and greet new people, worked on committees in the Legion and with Senior Citizens. That was while I was still using. With an ex-sponsor at two years sober, I had to learn that though they have many years in recovery, they had their own agenda and were human too.

I have always tried to invite people over to my place if they were going to be alone over a holiday. I always believed, if there is enough for one, there is enough for two. It is who I am, I was brought up that way.` Wasn`t so sure that was true when it came to alcohol and my addiction, what is mine is mine and what is yours is yours and mine.

I was also taught, if you were not invited, you were not meant to be there. It was probably a healthier thing to not be a part of even if you want to be there.

So many decisions to make, so often we were victims of our circumstances and products of our environment. I had to recognize the old tapes and make new ones. I don`t have to look outside of myself to find love.

Something that I have been working on with my spiritual adviser. There is still a part of me that has problems with forgiving myself for my decisions and the choices made in the past, even those in recovery.

There are things that I felt that I should have known better, and some things that were in the 'Self' and although amends were made to God, I still carried this image of myself that I didn't like.

It may be called being human, but sometimes the EGO says, that is no excuse. :(

Pay it forward with a smile, taking time to speak to someone, don't forget to say "I love you." I like the saying, "If no one has told you today that they loved you, consider yourself loved, I will love you until you can love yourself." Remember to apply it to yourself.

My butterflies were not about beauty or nerves, I was very sick at my stomach.

Don't think I thought of them, but did think of asking for healing, and I got an appointment at the Holistic Center for 2:15 p.m.

Butterfly means transformation, so hoping Tony can transform sick to feeling better.

My sponsor use to say, examine your motive and intent. It wouldn't be hard for me to be out of the ordinary, especially today, all I need to do is feel good and go out and about. It is out of the ordinary, because I think I have the flu instead of arthritic pain!
:38:

When I meet a man especially, I look at their eyes, always have. It doesn't matter what they are wearing or what the words that come out of their mouth, they can be false. I always felt like the eyes are a window to the soul.

How true, tears are healing. Unfortunately, I still don't do them as well as I should. My first husband told me I used them as a weapon and to stop them and I did at 21. I didn't find recovery until I was 49, and it was really 7 years later that I felt that I found my true self and got in touch with who I am and no longer had to live with who I was. When I saw myself heading there or back there, I had the tools not to stay there. It was not a place I wanted to be. The person I share my feeling with in today is me instead of stuffing them.