From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 29 ----
They try to pass along something they themselves have not yet received.

LEWIS HYDE

Newcomer
What do I do if someone I don’t know offers to be my sponsor?

Sponsor
Sometimes, a volunteer sponsor is the best thing that could happen to a newcomer who’s floundering or confused and who would do well with strong guidance. Sometimes it’s not such a good thing. What are the motives of someone who walks up to me and announces, “I’m your sponsor”? How do I know the difference between someone whose offer of service is sincere and someone who has the wish to control me? Or worse, who wants to prey on me—sexually or in some other way?

Control is an issue for most of us in recovery. As a sponsor, I have to be careful about my impulse to try to “fix” another person. It may make me feel powerful to think I’ve got the answers; it may distract me from my own unsolved problems. Over responsibility can be an addition, too.

If I have doubts about what someone in recovery is offering me, I can take some time to talk and listen. I can trust my instincts. If I listen, I may discover that I already have the answer inside me.

Today, I’m grateful for the unconditional love offered by others in recovery. I trust my ability to make good choices as I form relationships with people I meet, here and elsewhere.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


----30 ----
How easy it was to underestimate what had been endured.
MARGARET DRABBLE

Newcomer
I heard someone share that it was her anniversary and that she wanted to celebrate by stepping in front of a car and killing herself. How can someone talk that way at a meeting? I don’t want to listen to it.

Sponsor
The first thing I notice about this dramatic statement is that it was made at a meeting. As desperate as the person who made it may have been feeling, she did not act out her addiction, but instead showed up and shared. I’ve walked into meetings feeling depressed, despairing, angry, rebellious, alone, or misunderstood, and when I’ve been willing to share my state of mind, have felt sudden relief.

Not knowing the person who shared, and not being experts, we can’t really know how seriously to take such a statement. From one person, it might be a sign the compassionate professional help is needed; from another, it might be just a bit of self-indulgent humor or a bid for attention. People come to meetings in many different frames of mind, with different life experiences, and with recovery of varying lengths and quality. Some make everything they experience sound like high drama; others are reluctant to expose depths of real pain. And of course, there are many people with strong recovery who use the tools of the program to help them “ride the waves” of life’s problems with relative ease and even joy.

Rather than focus on your discomfort with someone else’s sharing, why not keep the focus on yourself and your own recovery work?

Today, I say a prayer for those who are still sick and suffering, in or out of this program. I give my attention to the work that’s mine to do in recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----31 ----
I like to think that at birth, everyone is allotted a quantity of alcohol to last for her whole life, and that by the time I was in my twenties, I’d already consumed my entire quota!
WOMAN IN RECOVERY


Newcomer
I can’t get my mind off what I’m missing. I think that at this point I could control myself and just use moderately. Ordinary people have a glass of wine when they eat dinner at a restaurant, or have a beer on a hot summer day. Why do I have to deprive myself?


Sponsor
Frankly, I can’t imagine a better way to torture myself than making the decision to have just a little I’d be preoccupied with that little bit all day long: waiting beforehand for the right time to have it, then resenting its being over, afterward. For me, how could just a little ever be enough? And how could I keep from rationalizing, after a while, having just a little bit more? My biochemistry and my mental obsession make me crave certain substances whenever I have them. Other people may not react this—but I’m not other people. My susceptibility turns something that may be safe for others into poison for me. There is one simple way for me to keep from craving more of this poison, and that is to avoid it altogether. Over time, deprivation takes on a new meaning—we no longer have the desire to deprive ourselves of this experience of recovery.


For today, I stop my craving by not feeding it.
I make room for a new, better life.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 32 ----
To accept a favor from a friend is to confer one.

JOHN CHURTON COLLINS

Newcomer
I’ve been okay for the past few days, so I haven’t called you. I feel as if I’m calling you too much. I don’t know what you could possibly be getting out of it.


Sponsor
I identify with your fear of imposing on other people, so I want to say first that I’m grateful for your phone calls. They help me to stay sober, just as much as they help you. They remind me, every day, of our addiction, and they remind me of the ways we’re growing and being healed.

When we stay in daily touch with a sponsor, it helps to keep us from “slipping through the cracks. “Though I go to a meeting, make coffee, or put away chairs, say hello to a few people, even put up my hand and share, there may be parts of my recovery process that I don’t understand, don’t like to talk about, or don’t get to talk about in depth. I can share more deeply and at greater length with my sponsor. My sponsor knows me pretty well by now and is likely to bring up recovery issues I’d rather evade or bury. Calling our sponsors isn’t always easy, but it’s part of our commitment to ourselves and our recovery.


Today, I’m willing to know others and to be known by them.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 33 ----
Argue not concerning God.
WALT WHITMAN

Newcomer
It’s obvious from what I hear people saying in meetings that God is a pretty important part of Twelve Step programs. What if I don’t believe in God or a Higher Power?


Sponsor
We don’t need religion in order to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using our preferred additive substance or behavior. To recover, we have to put down what we’re addicted to and we have to come to meetings. Not easy, perhaps, but simple and clear.

Whether or not we believe in God, most of us recognize that we don’t live entirely independently. The phrase “a Power greater than ourselves,” from Step Two, is a reminder to me that I don’t run the universe. Whatever I believe about God’s existence, I have to accept that I myself am not God—if I’m going to recover. I can’t control my addiction on my own. Willpower stopped working for me some time ago. I owe this newfound willingness to recover to someone or something that isn’t my intellect or will.

Those who reject traditional concepts of God can still point to something inside—what some call their “better self,” their “sense of right and wrong,” their “higher self,” or their “spirit”—that got them here. The desire for wholeness has somehow proved stronger than the impulse toward self-destruction.


Today, I accept that I’m not all-powerful.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 34 ----
For extreme illnesses, extreme treatments are necessary.
HIPPOCRATES

Newcomers
I keep hearing people refer to this problem as a disease. I’m not sure I buy that. I’ve stopped haven’t I?


Sponsor
The “disease debate” reminds me of the old saying, “If it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck—then it must be a duck.”

We know from experience that our addiction, untreated, is a craving so powerful that we have no choice but to put it first, before our goals and ideals, before work, health, and love. Willpower and promises may curb our addictive use for brief periods, but our physical craving and mental obsession return. Lives are shattered in the process. Some of us die.

Yet we persist in thinking that our addictive behavior is a moral issue. If we could just pull ourselves together, we could stop for good. Good intentions and inspirational messages haven’t worked for us, but we try them again and again. We forget that recovery isn’t about stopping, but about staying stopped.

We can look at it as good news that we have a disease. Accepting this helps us became willing to make the radical changes in our spiritual, mental, and physical lives that are required for our survival. We’re grateful for the “medicine” of meetings, literature, phone calls, sponsorship, and service. It’s helping us crate new, healthy selves.


Today, I’m grateful for the lifesaving principles of this program.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----35 ----

No one knows what he can do till he tries.
PUBLILUS SYRUS

Newcomer
I feel as if I have no energy. When I get home from work I force myself to go to a meeting, but all I really want to do is sleep.


Sponsor
At the end of active addiction, we were exhausted. Our bodies were used to brief, intense pickups—from drugs or cigarettes, from food containing large amounts of caffeine and sugar, from the high of acting out behavioral addictions—after which we “crashed.” The boost to our physical or mental energy was brief. Low bold sugar, depression, and renewed craving were the other side of this depleting cycle.

For me, exhaustion returned after the “high” of early recovery. I badly needed rest. This meant sleep, nutritious food, and, in my case, vitamin and mineral supplements. To my surprise, it also meant exercise.

How can we think about jogging around a track when we’re feeling exhausted? If we haven’t been exercising regularly, the key word to remember is gentleness. We can begin with a few minutes of gentle stretching in the morning. We can put on sneakers and walk for a short time each day. Or we can choose some other activity that appeals to us and that feels more like play then work. Surprisingly, regular physical movement increases our feelings of energy and well-being—sometimes more effectively than napping. It helps our digestion and circulation, balances our body weight, strengthens our bones, and helps us feel centered and refreshed.

Whatever we choose to do to get our bodies moving, gentleness and consistency are the keys.


Today, I nourish my body and spirit with gentle exercise.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 36 ----
They are dead even while they are alive.
LAWRENCE KUSHNER

Newcomer
What exactly is a blackout? I can’t figure out whether I’ve had them or not.

Sponsor
The term “blackout” usually refers to a period of time when we acted under the influence of an addictive substance, but later couldn’t remember or account for what we did. Many recovering alcoholics, for example, whether their drinking was daily or periodic, speak of having had to make phone calls “the morning after” to find out what they said or did the previous night. Blacking out as a result of drinking is one of the warning signs of alcoholism; it can last a few minutes or several days. Some have found themselves in strange beds, or even in foreign countries, with no memory of how they got there. Some people have killed during blackouts.

We don’t have to be using alcohol, drugs, or other substances to experience the blackout phenomenon. Some of us use the term more loosely to name a state in which, demoralized or compelled by our addiction, we behaved as if we weren’t “all there”—took unnecessary sexual risks, for example, or spent money we didn’t have, lied, forgot commitments, or acted in other ways we were later ashamed of. We say of such moments, “I was in an emotional blackout” or “I behaved as if I were in a blackout.”


Today, I look at places my addiction took me without my full consent. I’m grateful for my ability to make conscious choices in recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 38 ----

Every new moment that arises in your life can now be a point of choice…in which you can choose to treat yourself and others with Compassion rather than Judgment.
DAVID HARP


Newcomer
I wince every time I hear the words “God as we understood Him” and “Higher Power.” When meeting close with the Lord’s Prayer, I feel like I’m being railroaded. I don’t fit into the same religious slot that other people seem to take for granted.

Sponsor
All of us qualify to be here, but not because of any religious identification or belief. Most of us are tolerant of differences, but, being human, some of us forget that not everyone shares the same religious context. Whatever an individual member has to say about the role of his or her Higher Power, the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using the addictive substance that got us here.

Once I heard a member say, “This meeting is my church.” I’m glad that notion works for her. By the same token, I’ve always been grateful that this program is not a church—otherwise, I might have to rebel against it! We’re not required to subscribe to a particular set of religious beliefs or rituals. In recovery, each of us is free to explore what we believe.


Today, I respect others’ right to their beliefs, just as I respect my own. I bring my love of openness, inclusiveness, and harmony with me wherever I go.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----39 ----
But let me think away those times of woe;
Now ‘tis a fairer season
JOHN KEATS

Newcomer
I feel trapped and miserable. I don’t want to pick up my addiction, but, frankly, my life feels bleak without it. I’m not like those goody-goodies who do everything right and spout program. I’ll never be like them. What’s the point of being in recovery, if I feel this bad?

Sponsor
In recovery, I make the decision not to change my mood with an addictive substance or behavior today. And I can make other decisions as well. Recovery is the freedom to make choices. I can choose to remain isolated with feelings of fear, anger, and loneliness, or I can choose to share my feelings with another recovering person. I can arrange to go to a meeting. I can make phone calls—even short ones—to people whose numbers have ask for. If I only reach answering machines (some day are like that!) I can choose to leave messages asking people to call back. I can let go of results, knowing that I’ve done my part. If I’m feeling stressed, I can light a candle or just sit quietly for a few moments to relax and breathe. I may read a page from some program literature.

We can choose to put yesterday and tomorrow “on the shelf” and just let ourselves be, for this moment.


Today, I make choices that support my recovery. I have the willingness to be happy.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 40 ----
Example is always more efficacious than precept.
SAMUEL JOHNSON

Newcomer
It’s devastating to me to watch old friends and family members whose lives are still being screwed up by this disease. How can I convince them to join me in recovery before it’s too late? I’m sad and frustrated. Life’s so unfair! Why am I in recovery, while they’re still suffering?

Sponsor
Recovery is a gift that somehow, against all the odds, has been give to you. You can refuse it, trash it, or think yourself out of it. Loss of recovery not only would be your loss, but would also be a loss to all who could be helped by your example. You have a responsibility to maintain it each day, to nurture it by going to meetings, by using the tools that have been given to you, and above all by not picking up addictive substances and behaviors.

Friends and family members who need recovery but who don’t want it yet may be able to see the changes in us over time. Even though we’d like more than anything to persuade them to do themselves a favor and join us in recovery right now, we need to accept that this approach doesn’t work. Could anyone have persuaded you?

I am entitled to the gift of my recovery. I cherish this gift, not by preaching or trying to rescue others, but by making recovery central in my own life.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 41 ----
As we advance in life, we learn the limits of our abilities.
JAMES FROUDE

Newcomer
If I hear “This is a ‘we’ program” one more time, I’ll get sick. I don’t like groups, I don’t like the idea of depending on this program and I don’t like the idea of depending on a Higher Power to take care of me. I’ve always been a strong person. I cherish my independence.

Sponsor
Let’s take a look at some different kinds of dependency. Of course, there are dependencies that aren’t appropriate; they keep us from growing, just as our addictions did. For example, a parent’s continuing financial support of a grown child who is capable of earning a living on his or her won enables a mutual dependency that’s probably unhealthy for both parties.

There are other kinds of dependency that most of us accept without hesitation. When we strike a match, we expect a flame; when we put seeds into the earth, we trust that plants will grow. Dependency isn’t enslavement. I we’re diabetic and depend on daily insulin to regulate our blood sugar level, we don’t regard ourselves as weak. We’re grateful that the means exist to keep our disease in check. The same is true of Twelve Step programs for those of us who acknowledge our addictions. We can count on these meeting being here when we need them. We and count on the fact that if we follow the program, we will not have to depend on addictive substances and behaviors.


Today, my willingness to depend on this program gives me freedom.

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 42 ----
Rest in natural great peace.
NYOSHUL KHENPO

Newcomer
I keep hearing people say that giving up the addiction itself is only the beginning of the process. Today, I’m feeling upset and downhearted. I don’t know if I can face the literature on the Steps yet.

Sponsor
As we prepare to continue on the path of the Steps, we can do an exercise that helps quite our mental agitation and gently begins to restore our sense of connection with positive forces in our lives. We start by finding a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down, with our spines straight but relaxed. We can close our eyes, if that helps us concentrate. We take several deeper, slower breaths. Then we take a few minutes to think of positive aspects of our lives. One by one, we make mental note of things we’re grateful for. If we can’t think of any, we begin with air, water, food, then wee what else occurs to us. As each blessing comes to mend, we picture it clearly and see ourselves benefiting from it. We breathe it in, and breathe out heart felt gratitude. This is an exercise we can do any time of the day or night, even in situations when we’re not alone. It need only take a few moments.

Cultivating gratitude can help change our belief that what lies ahead will be burdensome. When you’re ready to begin exploring the Steps, you may even feel the joy and excitement that accompany and adventure.


Today, I feel life’s richness and beauty. I let fill me.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----43 ----
When God wants to be what is not God, man comes to be.
KARL RAHNER

Newcomer
I listened to a long reading from the AA Big Book that was all about atheists and agnostics, and how, if they expect to stay in recovery, they have to recognize the evidence that God exists. I didn’t find the God argument very convincing. Sometimes I think that the program literature is incredibly illogical and old-fashioned.

Sponsor
Yes, there are days like that. I, too, have sat in meetings saying, “No,no,no” to everything that I heard said about God. Though I may resist certain ideas, it helps me to remember that this isn’t a debating society. I don’t have to agree with everything I hear, but I’m not in this program to make intellectual arguments against the existence of a Power greater than myself. The intellect I’m so proud of today neither prevented me form engaging in addictive behavior nor led me to recovery. I’m here to address my addiction, and my path is the path of my spirit.

Each of us knows what our won experience of a Higher Power is. We don’t find this Power through argument—our own or anyone else’s—but through going deep within. We know that when we entered recovery, we surrendered our heavy task of trying to be God. Our egos are no longer in charge.

Today, I don’t have to be my own Higher Power.