• List all the people, institutions, or principles you resent. Tip: Carry a list with you and write down details about every time you are restless, irritated, and discontent, every time you are annoyed, angry, or have expectations, etc.

• Try the example of the Mr. Brown multi-column chart on BB page 65.

• Fill in only the first column for now.
• Make the chart as large or as small as you see fit.

• In the first column, the grudge list (65: 1), we listed [names of] people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. (64: 3)
• List 100 or 300 or 1000 names of people (parents, spouse, co-workers, the people in traffic or the checkout line, etc.), institutions (jail, IRS, etc.), or principles (‘You reap what you sow.’ ‘Our troubles are of our own making,’ etc.) about which you have resentments.

2.) How? The Second Column: “How did they hurt or threaten me?” (65: 2) After you have made the list of all the people, institutions, and principles that you resent, one at a time you are ready to begin to fill in the second column. You might consider selecting a few representative “grudges” to work on now, reserving the option to eventually work through all of them.

• We asked ourselves why we were angry. (64: 3)
• We set opposite each name our injuries. (65: 1)

Grudge List
Who? (People, Places, Things,
Institutions, Principles, etc.)
How? How they hurt or
threatened me.
…example… (65: 2)
Mr. Brown
His attention to my wife.
Told my wife of my mistress.
Brown may get my job.


Now that you have made a list of everything the people, places, institutions, principles, etc. on your list did to cause your resentment, you are ready to proceed to the Third Column. You list what part of yourself was affected by the actions of the person, place, institution, or principle that you resent.


3.) What? The Third Column: “What part of my Self did they hurt or threaten?” In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. (64: 3-65: 0)

• Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with? (65: 1)
• Opposite each selected name, and every cause (65: 2) listed, one at a time succinctly write down in the third column what part of your self, or your instincts, or your actor’s role, was affected. [See: Each person is like an actor…. (60: 4)]
• [Heard in a meeting: “We list the three ‘S’s’ of the instinct of Self:

• 1. 1. • a.) Security instinct – material and emotional;
        • b.) Self-esteem instinct – fear for our very existence
        • c.) Sex instinct – relationship, companionship.”]
• Our resentments are part of our reaction to these perceived threats.

Grudge List
Who? (People, Places, Things, Institutions, Principles, etc.)
How? How they hurt or threatened me.
What? What part of self affected that I reacted to.
…example… (65: 2)
Mr. Brown


Brown may get my job.
Security
Self-esteem (fear)








p. 42
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/

• To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.(66: 0)
• Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. (66: 0) [ie: self pity. See He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. (61: 1)]
• It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. (66: 1)
• To the …extent that we permit these [resentments],…we squander the hours.(66: 1) But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. (66: 1)
• For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. (66: 1)

• We found that it is fatal. (66: 1)
• The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. (66: 1)
• And with us, to drink is to die. (66: 1)

• If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. (66: 2)
• For alcoholics these things are poison. (66: 2)

• We learned from the Second Column that it is not who the people, institutions, or principles are that make us angry and resentful; it is how they hurt or threatened us. It is not so much who they are but how they ACT. We may begin forgiving ourselves for our own actions and behaviors, and others for their actions, right here.
• We learned from the Third Column that it is not who or even how they hurt us, but the way we have habitually chosen to REACT to what they threaten in us which determines whether we are upset or not.
• We react by habit.

• Now we know why we must change. We go to the 3RD and 4TH working of the grudge list in Session 9, when we are ready, to see where we were responsible.

SESSION 9

STEP 4 How It Works Resentment ‘Turnarounds’

The 3RD and 4TH working of the grudge list.
They, like ourselves, were sick too. (67:0)


I ON YOUR OWN: STUDY – What did Big Book authors say?

• READ Read of Step 4 Resentments in the Big Book (the final 4 paragraphs, pp. 66-67)

• 1. 1. • Turn Back In Session 9 we turn…back (see 66: 3) to the list and do the 3RD and 4TH workings of our resentment inventory.
        • Turnarounds ‘Turnarounds’ is a term used by some in AA to indicate the beneficial huge emotional displacements and rearrangements (27: 4) that happen to us as we work through the Big Book Step 4 process. Our Step 4 turnaround is returning us to our proper orientation, back from our isolation. We are given tools to do this through a close and inquiring reading of Step 4 in the Big Book.

• WRITE Write about one or more resentments or about your reflections on the readings. Heard in a meeting: “An expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.”

• TALK Call your sponsor and other members of the group.

• PRACTICE DAILY MEDITATION / PRAYER Ask for help.

II WITH THE GROUP: PRACTICE – What does the Big Book say to me
about my practice of my resentment inventory?


Continue your discussions with the group about your resentments and how you are working the Steps in order to address them.


Points of Focus and Reflection (Consider pp.66: 3-67: 2)Cross off the bulleted points.


A. The 3RD Working of the Grudge List: When?“When I am ready, what do I do?”Turned back to the list (66: 3) Begin with centering silence.

1.) A Different Angle – Three Column Lessons

• We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. (66: 3)
• We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. (66: 3)

• We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. (66: 3) [First Column lesson- “There is no room for contact with my higher power.”]
• In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real… [Second Column lesson- “It was not who, but how they hurt me that I’m mad at.”]
• had power to actually kill. (66: 3) [Third Column lesson- “I react and drink.”]

2.) How Could We Escape? (66: 3)Empathy – They are like us.

• This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us [First Column names -who hurt us] were perhaps spiritually sick. (66: 4)
• Though we did not like their symptoms…[Second Column –how they hurt us]
• …and the way these disturbed us,… [Third Column –what part of self we reacted to]
• they, like ourselves, were sick too. (67:0)

3.) Meditation / Prayer * Avoid retaliation.

• We asked God [of our understanding] to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. (67: 0)
• We avoid retaliation or argument. (67: 1)

B. The 4TH Working of the Grudge List: Where?“Where am I responsible?” “Can I describe my part?”
Referring to our list again. (67: 2) Meditation / prayer to ask for help.


1.) Our Own Mistakes
Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. (67: 2) [Mistake: A wrong action. Error; not right; blunder; out of bounds; missing the mark; defect; shortcoming.]


2.) Our Motives – More writing in more columns.

• Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? (67: 2)
  • These motives (86: 2) were the terms used by early AA’s as mirror-images of the “Four Absolutes” of the Oxford Group: “Absolute Selflessness,” “Absolute Honesty,” “Absolute Purity,” and “Absolute Love.”
  • Afraid of getting drunk trying to be absolutely too good too soon, the Big Book authors tried rather to be less selfish, less dishonest, less self-seeking, and less fearful. Consequently they found they were less likely to take a drink and less likely to live on an emotional dry bender.
• Opposite each Third Column instinct or role that was threatened and that you reacted to, write down and share precisely and in detail what your motives were.
• Try to keep your written responses concise with specific examples. Avoid generalities. Expand upon "I lied," or "I was dishonest," by telling what happened: "I promised to be there and never showed up."

p. 44-45
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/

• Selfishness: ego = me. Self-absorption: "It's all about me!" Regard for our own interest or happiness to the disregard of the well-being of others. Not aware of others and their needs. Instinctively putting our own needs first. A false sense of a separate self, etc.
  • Habitual selfishness: We could not see others’ or our real place in the universe. [Our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. 12&12, 53: 1]
  • ‘Turnaround’: We begin to see that we can change to our true nature – so that ultimately the best care of ourselves lies in our unselfish regard for the concern of the whole, that care for others includes us as well. Care of our selves becomes care of our soul, and is known to be care of all.

• Dishonest: Fraudulent, not what purported. The reverse of honesty; lack of probity or integrity; disposition to deceive, defraud, or steal; thievishness; theft, fraud. Not corresponding to fact. Trying to be people pleasers in order to gain approval from other people. Believing the lies our mind tells us, etc.
  • Habitual dishonesty: We lost perspective. We often did not even know we were lying because we had a false way of seeing reality.
  • ‘Turnaround’: We begin to see that we can change to our true nature – to be who we truly are, free from concealment, to be a sincere person acting in direct, frank, open ways. We are good and caring people.

• Self-seeking: The seeking after our own welfare before that of others, prosecution of selfish ends. To put ourselves either above or below others. Seeing ourselves as better or worse than others. Lacking perspective, etc
  • Inconsiderate: Thoughtless, negligent, rash, incautious, heedless.
  • Habitual self-seeking: As a matter of course we tended to put our needs first, including our needs to be first, to be last, to be liked, to be feared, and to be pitied. [Top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. 12&12, 53: 1]
  • ‘Turnaround’: We begin to see that we can change from self-seeking to our true nature – to be thoughtful and considerate and in partnership with others and to act with loving compassion toward ourselves and others.

• Fear: To feel alarmed or uneasy. The emotion of pain or uneasiness caused by the sense of impending danger. Apprehension of some future evil. [Fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we wanted. 12&12, 76: 2], or be found out for who we are. To lose heart, etc.
  • Habitual fear: Our apprehension of impending danger, our anxiety, was the existential basis for our selfishness, our dishonesty and self-seeking and our drinking.

• • be free of alarm and apprehension, free of being restless, irritable and discontented, and to embrace a feeling of goodwill toward all creation. We can act with loving compassion.
  • [Heard in a meeting: “Fear is to lose heart. Courage is to take heart. Love is to open one's heart. Trust is to rely on heart. Faith is trust in heart.”]

• Though a situation had not been entirely our fault
• we tried to disregard the other personinvolved entirely. (67: 2)
• Where were we to blame? (67: 2) Did you step on their toes? (See 62: 1) [Blame: Responsibility for fault or error, or being not right. Blundering; out of bounds; missing the mark; defects, shortcomings.]
• Were your reactions out of bounds?
• The inventory was ours, not the other man's. (67: 2)

• When we saw our faults, we listed them. (67: 2) [Fault: A seismic gap; a conflict between deeply held values; or instincts in collision, ie: We want to help others, but also we want our own way. Out of bounds; missing the mark; shortcomings.]
• We placed them before us in black and white. (67: 2) Write them down.
• Disregarding everyone and everything else involved, look at each angry reaction situation and see what, if anything, you did to cause each event, or to make it worse, or to react to it and hence create more troubles for yourself or others.
• We admitted our wrongs honestly (67: 2) [Wrong: Twisted way of thinking and acting. Error; not right; blunder; out of bounds; missing the mark; shortcomings.]

STEP 4 Resentment Grudge List (65: 1) Inventory Forms


Make multiple copies or expand these templates into your own notebook.
Who? “Who hurt or threatened me?”I’m resentful at… (65: 2)
Work down the list from top to bottom, just writing the names at this time. Ignore the Second and Third columns for now. Use multiple pages.
…………………………………………………………………………
Person 18.
Institution
Principle I resent 19.


1. 20.


2. 21.


3. 22.


4. 23.


5. 24.


6. 25.


7. 26.


8. 27.


9. 28.


10. 29.


11. 30.


12. 31.


13. 32.


14. 33.


15. 34.


16. 35.


17. 36. Etc., etc.

Step 4- Resentment- Fill in Second and Third Columns
Make multiple copies or expand these templates into your own notebook.
1. Who? First Column name: I’m Resentful At… (65: 2)
“Who hurt or threatened or interfered with me?” Inventory one name at a time.
2. How? Second Column: The Cause… (65: 2)
“How did they hurt or threaten or interfere with me?”
Opposite each selected name we write down in four or five words how they hurt us that caused our anger and resentment. We write just in this second column for now.
3. What? Third Column: Affects My… (65: 2)
“What part of my Self did they hurt or threaten and that I reacted to?”
Opposite each selected name, and every cause listed, we succinctly write down in the third column what part of self (security, self-esteem, sex or relationships, etc.), or instinct (64: 3-65: 1), or actor’s role or character (60: 4) was hurt or threatened or in play. Our resentments are part of our reaction to this perceived threat.


1. First Column:
I’m resentful at:
Who? Who resent?
2. Second Column:
The cause:
How? The cause?
3. Third Column:
Affects my:
What? Part of self?








p.49-50
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/

• Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, [Second Column] we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. (67: 2)
• Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? (67: 2)

SESSION 10

STEP 4 How It Works Our fears. (68: 1)

But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? (67 ; 3)

I ON YOUR OWN: STUDY- What did the Big Book authors say?

• READ Read Chapter 5, How It Works, on the fear inventory. (67-68)

• 1. • We want to get rid of the fear and resentment that control our thinking so a power greater than any one of us can direct our thinking instead.
     • Our fears come from our early childhood ideas, emotions, and attitudes (27: 4) that we developed in reaction to ancient fancied or real (66: 3) threats to our basic instincts of life. Without awareness, our old thoughts and fears may become today’s actions.
     • [Fear: (OE- sudden danger.) Dread, expectation of harm, or ambush; dismay, panic.] Heard in a meeting: “Anxiety is the existential basis of our addiction to alcohol.”

• WRITE Write daily about your fears and “{#1 – #3} the three fear questions.”
• TALK Call your sponsor and other members of the group to discuss fear.
• PRACTICE DAILY MEDITATION / PRAYER Call on a higher power.

II WITH THE GROUP: PRACTICE- What does the Big Book say to me about my practice of my fear inventory?
What are the underlying fears we try to avoid by using alcohol?


Points of Focus and Reflection. (Consider pp. 67: 3-68: 3)
A. Who? How? What?The word “fear.” (67: 3) We may treat fear, or any other problem, as we do resentments. (See 69: 3) Begin with centering silence.
Use the same page 65 three-column format to take an inventory of your fears.
Fear Inventory
Who: People, institutions, and principles that cause me fear. “#1 When did I first have this fear?”
How? How have they frightened me?
“#2 Why do I have this fear?”


What? What part of my self has been affected and how have I reacted to it?










1.) First Column: Who? “Who threatened me?” 1st Fear Question “{#1}When did I first have this fear?” (See 68: 1)
We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. (68: 1) List your fears and the first time you had them. We find that we are fearful of everything and everyone.
Fear Inventory
Who: People that cause me fear. “#1 When did I first have this fear?”
Mr. Brown
2.) Second Column: How? “How did they threaten me?” 2nd Fear Question: “{#2}Why do I have this fear?” (See 68: 1) How did self-reliance fail me?


We asked ourselves why we had them. (68: 1) We literally ask over and over for each circumstance and every response:

• 1. • “Why do I have this fear?”
     • “Why do I fear that?”
     • “And the reason I fear that?” (Our very existence feels threatened.)
     • Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? (68:1)

Fear Inventory
Who: People, that cause me fear. “#1 When did I first have this fear?”
How? How have they frightened me?
“#2 Why do I have this fear?”
Mr. Brown
Told my wife of my mistress.


3.)Third Column What? “What part of my life instinct was hurt or threatened, and how did I react to it?”

• Which of your instinctive social and security and sexual needs, desires and actor’s roles were threatened and at play in your fear reactions?

Fear Inventory
Who: People that cause me fear. “#1 When did I first have this fear?”
How? How have they frightened me?
“#2 Why do I have this fear?”
What? What part of self has been affected and how have I reacted to it?
Mr. Brown
Told my wife of my mistress.


Self-esteem (fear) Sex relations
Personal relationship


B. We Turned Back to the List. (66: 3) Meditation / Prayer * – Ask for help.

• Trust Higher Power rather that Self-Reliance.

• 1. • 3rd Fear Question: “{#3}May I share feelings and experiences of courage about trusting and relying on my higher power, as found through the practice of this program?” (See 68: 2) [Courage: acting in the face of fear.]

• 1. • We trust infinite God [of our understanding] rather than our finite selves. (68: 2) We let [our higher power] demonstrate, through us, what [our higher power] can do. (68: 3) [See also 49: 1; 62: 3] What does this mean? Is this what the program of action is all about?

• Our Own Mistakes (67: 2) Where had you been Selfish, Dishonest, Self-seeking or Inconsiderate? (67: 2; 69: 1) “Where am I responsible?”
  1. • Write precisely and in detail about your reactions to fear situations and Third Column threatened instincts.
• When We Saw Our Faults We Listed Them. (67: 2)
  1. • But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? (67: 3) “What did I do?” The effects of your self-centered fear.

C. Step 4 Fear Turnaround Willing to change * Meditation / Prayer

• [Optional: God of my understanding, I pray that my fear be removed and my attention directed to being who you would have me be today. May thy will, not mine, be done. (See 68: 3)]

pp. 53-54
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/

Step 4- Fears Fill in Second and Third Columns
Make multiple copies or expand these templates into your own notebook


1. First Column: Who threatened me? 1st Fear question: “{#1}When did I first have this fear?” (See 68: 1) Inventory one fear at a time.
2. Second Column: How did they threaten me? 2nd Fear question: “{#2}Why do I have this fear?” We asked ourselves why we had them. (68: 1) We literally ask over and over for each circumstance and every response, “Why do I have this fear?” “And why do I fear that?” “And what is the reason I fear that?” Etc., etc. We fear for our very existence. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? (68: 1) We write just in this second column for now.
3. Third Column: What life instincts threatened?
Which of our instinctive social and security and sexual needs and desires were threatened and at play in our reactions? Our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions… our security… our personal or sex relations…were hurt…threatened…[or] had been interfered with. (64: 3 - 65: 0,1) [and we reacted!]


First Column: Who?
Fears- “{#1}When did I first have this fear?” (68: 1)
Second Column: How?
Cause- “{#2}Why do I have this fear?” And that one? Etc., etc.
Third Column: What?
Affects my- I reacted to threats to these instincts.










p. 56
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/

SESSION 11

STEP 4 How It Works Relationships (Including Sex) (64-65)

Sex conduct. (69: 0) Whom had we hurt? (69: 1)


ION YOUR OWN: STUDY – What did the Big Book authors say?

• READ Read about the relationship / sex conduct inventory (7 paragraphs 68 – 70).The inventory will help you note certain old ideas and behaviors that do not work to give peace of mind, and exchange them for others that work better.
• WRITE Write about how your behavior hurt others and yourself.Such as:

• “Have my relationships and/or sexual behaviors been based in selfishness or love?”
• “Have I had difficulties with trust, or being a partner, and with making commitments?”
• “Have I used sex or other behaviors to fill the spiritual void inside myself?”

• TALK Talk about this topic with your sponsor and other group members.
• PRACTICE DAILY MEDITATION / PRAYER

II WITH THE GROUP: PRACTICE – What does the Big Book say to me about my conduct in relationships, sexual and otherwise?


Points of Focus and Reflection (Consider pp. 68: 4-70: 2)
A. Who? How? What? We Make a List: Now about sex. (68: 4) We got this all down on paper and looked at it. (69: 1) We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. (69: 0) Meditation / prayer: ask for help.
Use the same three-column format to take an inventory of your relationship / sex behavior. (See 69: 3)

1. First Column: Who? “Who have I hurt?” (See 69: 1)

• We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. (69: 1) List all the people, institutions and principles you have caused trouble for (including yourself) through your sexual conduct and relationship behaviors.
• One act of sexual and relationship misconduct can hurt many different people.

Relationship / Sex Inventory as in this example (65: 2)
Who have I hurt?
My wife
My mistress


2.) Second Column: How? “How have I hurt them?”

• We can hurt someone in many, many ways. These include by having or not having sex with them, by creating jealousy and flirting with someone else, or by being lost in fantasies and obsessions about our hidden relationship / sexual desires.

Relationship / Sex Inventory as in this example (65: 2)
Who have I hurt?
How did I hurt them?
My wife-


My mistress-
-My mistress, overbearing


-Unreasonable, unjust


3.) Third Column: What? “What part of my Self was affected?”

• What did your self-willfulness lead to?
• We were most often seeking something more than simply sex. Were we trying to feel proud, or raise our self-esteem, or fulfill our desire for emotional security, or material security?

Relationship / Sex Inventory as in this example (65: 2)
Who have I hurt?
How did I hurt them?
What part of my Self was affected and led me to act?
My wife-


My mistress-
-My mistress. Overbearing


-Unreasonable, unjust
Self esteem (fear)
Sex relations Security
Personal relationships


B. Nine Relationship Questions (1 - 9) * “Where am I responsible?”

• Motives [1]Where had we been selfish,
• [2]dishonest, or
• [3]inconsiderate [self-seeking]? (69: 1)
• [4]Whom had we hurt? (69: 1) [See First Column]
• Feelings Created [5]Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy,
• [6]suspicion or
• [7]bitterness? (69: 1)
• [8] Fault Where were we at fault …. (69: 1) [Out of bounds? Miss the mark?]
• What Should We Have Done? [9]What should we have done instead? (69: 1)

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future [relationship and] sex life. (69: 2) Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. [69: 3]


C. Step 4 Relationship/Sex Turnaround Willing to change

• We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? (69: 2)
• We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm…. (69: 3)
• Counsel with persons is often desirable... (69-70)
• If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge…. (70: 2)

• * Three Meditations / Prayers. We act as agents of the God of our understanding. (49: 1; 62: 3; 68: 2, 3)

• We ask God: We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. (69: 2)
• We let God. …We let God be the final judge. (70: 0)
• We meditate / pray: In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. (69: 3) We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. (70: 2)

pp. 59-60
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/

Step 4- Inventory Relationships (including Sex) (64-65)
Fill in Second and Third Columns
Make multiple copies or expand these templates into your own notebook.


1, First Column: Who? “Who did I hurt?”
Inventory one name at a time.
2. Second column: How? “How did I hurt them?”
We reviewed our own conduct…. (69: 1) We list all the ways we have hurt others by our conduct. This includes how we hurt someone by having or not having sex with them, or by having sex with someone other than them, or by not being present with them and for them when we are lost in fantasies, etc. We write just in this second column for now.
3. Third Column: What? “What part of self affected?”
What part of my ‘self,’ which of my roles, led to my conduct?: Our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions…our security…our personal or sex relations...,[etc.] (64: 3-65: 0,1) We were most often seeking something more than simply sex.


First Column: Who?
Name: Who I hurt.
Second Column: How?
Cause: How I hurt them.
Third Column: What?
What part of myself led me to do what I did.






…


p. 62
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/

• We ask God: We asked God [of our understanding] to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. (69: 2)
• We let God: …We let God [of our understanding] be the final judge. (70: 0)
• We meditate / pray: In meditation, we ask God [of our understanding] what we should do about each specific matter. (69: 3) We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. (70: 2)