Defects of Character
 

STAY POSITIVE, DON'T ACT OUT IN OLD PATTERNS AND BEHAVIOURS!

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Steps Six and Seven are about changing and truly looking at myself and getting honest.

Why should I not continue the Steps? Why should I skip over a certain step because we don't like looking in the mirror. Most people see us before we can see ourselves. People knew about me before I knew myself, they could see the changes and I didn't have a clue. Be it a change for the better or worse, I am empowered to change things when I surrender to the program, and work it a day at a time.

Not taking time to talk to my God on a daily bases is an old behaviour. Telling God what I think He should do in my life and that of others, is bad no matter what way I look at it.

For me defects of character are a part of my DNA and thinking, clean or sober. Short comings are acting out those thoughts and reacting to events around me. No more hissy fits, no more pity pots, no more cussing and cursing, myself or others, no more putting on the blanket of denial and hiding from reality.

HUGS FROM ME TO YOU!

Recognizing Defects of Character

Posted in 2010

Chips referred here are character defects with a positive/negative defect on a poker chip, you put them in a bag, and you pull one out, and that is what you work on in today.

The list to follow!

Taken from Al-Anon's Blueprint to Progress - Fourth Step Inventory

Aware of others/Self-centered

Helpful to others/Self-indulgent

Generous/Selfish

Thoughtful/Self-pitying

Open-minded, gracious/Smug, stubborn

Perceptive/Judgmental

Respectful/Disrespectful

Patient/Impatient

Tolerant/Intolerant

Realistic/Unrealistic

Reasonable/Unreasonable

Assertive/Submissive

Cooperative/Domineering

Outgoing/Withdrawn

Forgiving/Resentful

Trusting/Suspicious

Trustworthy/Prone to gossip

Content/Envious

Agreeable/Disagreeable

Cheerful/Discourteous

Kind/Unkind

Loving,caring/Indifferent

Discreet/Lacking discretion

Stable/Panicky, violent

Consistent/Inconsistent

Sincere/Insincere

Honest/Dishonest

Willing to admit faults/Self-righteous

Humble/Arrogant

Calm/Worrisome

Relaxed/Tense

Confident, having faith/Fearful, apprehensive

Hopeful/Despondent

Optimistic/Pessimistic

Living for today/Living in the past, worrying about the future

Industrious/Lazy

Prompt/Procrastinating

Purposeful/Aimless

Responsible/Irresponsible

Using talents and abilities/Disinterested in self

Thankful/Ungrateful

Willing to continue to seek emotional and spiritual balance/Smug, complacent
__________________

Quote:
. . . when we have taken a square look at some of these defects, have discussed them with another, and have become willing to have them removed, our thinking about humility commences to have a wider meaning. 12 & 12, p.74

When situations arise which destroy my serenity, pain often
motivates me to ask God for clarity in seeing my part in the
situation. Admitting my powerlessness, I humbly pray for
acceptance. I try to see how my character defects contribute
to the situation.
Could I have been more patient?
Was I intolerant?
Did I insist on having my own way?
Was I afraid?
As my defects are revealed, I put self-reliance aside and
humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. The situation
may not change, but as I practice exercising humility, I enjoy
the peace and serenity which are the natural benefits of
placing my reliance in a power greater than myself.

What has always helped me is the slogan, "Let it begin with me." It doesn't matter what the other person said or did, it is about me and how I react and how I respond to others and take responsibility for my own side of the street.

Defects of character are part of my humanness to my way of thinking, and something I have to work on daily, not ignore them and hope they will go away. I need to turn them over daily to my Higher Power.

Today's Defect of Character to work on:

Trust is a something that I had to earn. For the most part, I am quite trusting of others until they prove themselves as untrustworthy. When that happens, I have trouble with the forgiveness and the letting go of the disappointment and disillusionment of having been betrayed.

Trust in my Higher Power has grown over the years. Sometimes I think He has more trust in me than I have in myself.

Honesty with others/Alibis and excuses

How can I be honest with you if I can't be honest with myself. Rationalization and justification were big defects of mine and found myself yesterday, not excusing my behavior but acknowledging that I did wrong. I had set something up and then when I got there, forgot what I was suppose to do and lost the contract. It was there to be made. I got caught up with one thought and didn't take time to look at the whole picture.

How many times have I said, "Well I did this because I thought..." when in reality, I didn't think or didn't hesitate and meditate by following thought with more thought instead of action.

If there was one thing I hated, it was my humanness. I would people say, "What do you expect, I am only human?" I would think, "I expect you to try and not blame your human nature, for your bad behaviour." The program is one of change.

That doesn't mean we don't make mistakes. What it does mean is we try our best, whatever our best is in today.

For many years, I was too honest and it was important to speak my truth and that was that without much thought of others. Often it isn't what you say, so much as how you say it. The attitude and tone can make a big difference.

I justified things to myself more than I did others and yet having gone through two abusive marriage, I felt like I had to justify my existance and my reason for being. I was told I didn't matter and who cared what I thought and what I wanted didn't matter. It became a habit. If you said, "No!" You had better have a darn good reason, especially if it was opposing the thoughts of my partner.

I was resentful and angry at them and at myself for doing it. I rationalized and felt like I had to explain my actions and why I did something. It was not a very nice way to live. Recovery has given me so many gifts. The greatest being the freedom to be me.

For me, it was a lot of justification and rationalization that kept me from being honest with myself. All my life I felt like I had to have a reason for doing, saying, and being me. Very low self-esteem, self-worth, and a low sense of self kept me sick and like my disease, it got lower instead of going away, until I found recovery.

Like all things, I had to turn it over to my Higher Power and ask for help.

Thoughtful/Thoughtless

For so many years, in my disease, I was selfish and self-centered yet all through this, I gave no thought of my health and my well being. I never gave me a great deal of thought and care. Yes it was what was in it for me, but it was about my addiction, and nothing to do with my health and well being.

I never thought, is this good for me. Is this for my Higher Good. Is this for the good of the whole. I was completely thoughtless of those around me and thinking I was hurting no one but myself, not realizing that people cared even if I didn't. Not caring about myself and being indifferent about what happens to me is part of my disease, not part of my recovery.

I realized this yesterday, when I thought of not putting on something different to wear downstairs to the store. I found myself saying, "I don't care" I followed it up with, "That is the problem, you are suppose to care about yourself."

Not with the old attitude, "If I don't look out for #1 who will." I had to change it to "You are worthy and deserve recovery and be kind and love yourself" I had to change my thought patterns.

Growing up, I was told I was responsible. As a result, I took on things that were not mine. It wasn't that I didn't care, but I did get resentful of having the burden put onto me, not knowing it wasn't job. I know that it isn't right to have my happiness at the expense of others. I know that I have a right to happiness, no matter what someone else does, thinks or says. I use to think I was less than, because I was told all my life it was my job. Look what you made me do. If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have.... It is all your fault.

I lived my life through others, I was a people pleaser, I found my value and acceptance through others, I had to let go of expectations, I had to remember progress not perfection. It is a one day at a time program.

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Perceptive/Judgmental

Years ago when I went to the meeting of my Women's group, after I had left it and joined another, was a real joy. I also found myself with a bit of an inflated ego and a pat on the back for looking good and I found myself comparing favourably with other women of the group. We all have aged, widened, greyed, and wrinkled and it was good to see so many long time recovery women and it was sad to see so many missing that were a part of the group over the years.

There was a woman there that told me once that she would never darken the doors of the women's group if it was the last group in the city. How our perception can change.

I have a much more open mind and found that I wasn't as judgmental as I have been in the past. I use to think, they have all those years of sobriety, why are they still doing that, why haven't they grown or changed. Since then I have found that in my own case that I have slid back a step or two, become complacent, and other times made great strides. It is nice to be able to look at the whole picture and be grateful.

Posted in 2009

In today, it is good to recognize where people are coming from, most times I have been there and done it, or they carry me a message to be ever watchful or I could find myself in the same position.

I found myself through the women in the group, they were a great reflection of my inner self that I had kept hidden for years. I hated it when the lady came out, seeing as I spend years trying to prove I wasn't one. A big resentment, one that had to go, toward myself and other women. I joined the Women's Group to learn how to get along with women, because I had been living in a man's world, either with work or I drank with them.

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Reasonable/Unreasonable

For the most part, I feel that I am a pretty reasonable person. When I tend to be unreasonable, is when I am given the whole picture and I am dealing with people with tunnel vision or those who are choosing to turn a blind eye.

This morning when I woke up I was approach by a girl on messenger. Her first statement was "I wish you did...." Instead of just saying what was wrong and asking if I could help, I found myself with a little resentment. I said a prayer, asked her what her problem was and was able to help her find a solution.

It is difficult to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. I know I am fighting depression at the moment. What I know is that I am not fighting it alone and that I don't need a pill to make it all better.

Sometimes I need to be reasonable with myself. I can talk myself out of anything, especially if I don't share it with others. When I become aware of my problem, acknowledge it, and accept it for what it is, I can take the Steps I need to change the attitude, or in my case, change the attitude in order to take the action.

God is Good.

Posted in 2004

It is unreasonable to expect perfection. The say progress not perfection, which was a good thing, because I thought I had to do it right. This was according to my mother who said, "Do it right or don't do it at all." Often I didn't or I wasted a lot of time trying to do things her way.

What seemed reasonable in the past, doesn't always appear so in today thank to recovery and looking at things from a new perspective.

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Acceptance/Defiance

Acceptance is the key to my recovery today. When I am not accepting, I am hurting - physically, mentally and emotionally.

As long as I defy looking at or owning something I am putting up a barrier to healing and change, and blocking me from the Spirit of my God.

When I accept each day at it comes, it generally unfolds in a timely manner. I don't always end up where I expect to be, and I don't often end up where I want to be, and I may not even like where I am at, but it is where I am suppose to be.

Accepting my disease came hard, because I kept pointing my finger at my dad, my ex-husband, and friends. They had the problem, I was a functional drunk although I didn't like to accept that word. I didn't get drunk! I walked a straight line. I drove my car on the right side of the road and the police didn't pull me over, although many times, if they had, they would have locked me up and thrown away the key.

For most of my life, it was don't tell me, watch me! One line, I still find myself saying is, "Since when did I do what was good for me since you knew me." It was like the defiance was instilled in me, because I found myself not accepting rules, regulations, and authority.

Things are better in today, but there are days that God and I still need to work on this issue.

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PROCRASTINATE - DO IT!

This has always been a biggie for me. I tell myself, "I just don't feel like doing it, and most times, I don't. I can talk myself out of anything and everything especially if it is housework.

I ended up cancelling my mammogram today and postponing it until Monday. The last time I had to wait at the doctor and this was the second time I had been to see this new doctor, so wasn't sure what is happening. I realized after I cancelled that I had taken time into my hands instead of trusting it to Gods. I must be doing something right because all the levels that were tested were good except one. Some hadn't come back yet, not sure which ones. Ended up my kidney's are not functioning 100%. I have an enlarged one, so not sure if that is the cause.

I ended up I probably could have made it on the bus but it would have been really iffy. If the buses didn't connect, I would have been late.

I know that when I hear that voice if I ignore it, I generally regret it after ward.

They say, "Why put off until tomorrow, what you can do today." My motto was, "It is not going any where, so it will keep until tomorrow." It seemed as though, if I made the decision to run away from home in today, it was there when I came home. So I might as well enjoy myself in today, and let the rest take care of itself. They will get done when the time is right. In reality, it is when I get off my a$$, they will get done.

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It is a good day when we are on the same page as our God. I found that some days I tend to speed read or skip a page.

:grin:

Grateful that my God has a sense of humour. I think He prays for me more than I pray to Him some days.

:195:

Accepting Faults/Blaming Others

In early recovery, I didn't think I had any faults after I quit using. After all, I was raised to be a good Christian girl.

It took me awhile to recognize that to err is human. I didn't want to admit to being human let alone the error. When I heard people say, "Well I am only human you know," I would get a resentment. I felt as though they used the saying as a cop out. They use their humanness to not change.

In today, I tell it as it is. What you see is what you get. As a friend said to me on Messenger the other night, "g/f you are just 2 2 funny. I never know what is going to come out of your mouth next."

Before recovery, it was all about the blame game. It was every one elses fault and the world owed me a favor as I was so hard done by.

Today I embrace change. I don't want to be that person any more. She was not very likeable. She still has a lot of work to do on herself. God and I work on it one day at a time.

Before recovery, I thought I was the best. I thought I was being the best me I could be. I also learned that you can't know what you were never taught. I was very isolated on the farm growing up and didn't have a lot of people skills. I didn't have a best friend until I was 17. When I met her, I was the follower. As my disease progressed, I became the leading authority.

So glad that it is progress not perfection.

I didn't find recovery until I was 49. I thought it was always about others and thought I was the way I was because of the people in my life. I firmly believe we are products of our environment and I had to come to believe, it was me that put me there. I was there often because I chose to, and most times I wasn't invited. Most of my life I wanted to be in the "In" group, yet when I got there, I never measured up, in my own eyes and yet I couldn't take the blame, it was their fault real or imagined.

Even though I was in denial about being an alcoholic, I felt like I had come home. I could identify, but stayed sick because I compared. It wasn't until I could honestly say to myself, I used alcohol like I did other drugs. I am an addict, I could accept that. When I got really honest and looked at the thinking behind the drinking, I knew I was an alcoholic.

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Reality/Wishful Thinking

"So much of my life had been wishful thinking and projecting onto others what I wanted things to be, like rather than what they really were."

How can you be in 'reality' when you continue to use people, places and things to take you out of it?

I don't like how I feel. I don't want to eat right now and I would grab a cigarette." I really can't handle all these emotions right now and I scarf down a KFC dinner. I can't stand all this pain, let me take a pill and make it go away. I don't like my life and how it is going let me smoke a joint and mellow out. I have just too much stress, let's have a double!

I want life to be smooth with no ripples and I just want to sail along on life's journey without a care or worry in the world. If I just turn a blind eye and pretend that it isn't there, perhaps it will all go away.

As someone once said to me, "Why shouldn't it happen to you?" It happens to others, why should you be exempt? What gives you the right to be different?

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things...

Life doesn't get better, I do. I have recovery tools to handle life on life's terms, not always as I think they should be.

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Posted on another site by graced used with permission. It is awesome to be given that permission and told, anything that I post that will help another, you are free to pass it on.

It is amazing how those old tapes can still come back and haunt the psychic. When I find one running, I try to remember that I may do stupid things, but that doesn't mean I am stupid. I may be a bit crazy, zany, and a bit eccentric, but that is okay today. At least it isn't the insanity of active addiction.

I am grateful that I can validate myself today and not have to go outside of myself for it. I am also glad that when I find myself abusing me I can make amends and give myself some much needed TLC!

No one was more critical and self-abusing than I was. If it wasn't perfect, to my way of thinking, it was wrong. As it says in the Big Book, we need a change in attitude in order to bring about recovery.

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Good stuff! I was big on validation, needed it from outside because I could find none within myself. I have always been my own worst task master. I validated the self-abuse by saying, "I don't do or say anything that I wouldn't do for myself!" I do ask for feedback once in a while, I do think it is needed because often my perception can be off. It isn't an ego thing like it was before, but a look at where I am at, and do I need to change the direction I am heading. As much as I would like to think so, I am not always right. I don't always like criticism, but I think when it is given, it is up to me to decide whether it is good or bad. Everyone has their opinion, including me.

What I have a problem with are those who say, "You can't feel this or that" or "You shouldn't feel .....", they are my feelings, but again it is my responsibility to take ownership and put the right label on them. Many times we feel anger and forget that there are other contributing factors such as insecurity, fear, and grief behind it.

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I was my own worst enemy, in today, I try to be my own best friend.

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Open Minded/Stubborn

Early in recovery, I kept hearing the phrase "Keep an open mind." I don't hear it as often in today. A lot of things are this is what you should do and you need to do this. There are suggestions, but there are some darn well betters or you lapse back into old patterns or end up relapsing and picking up your drug of choice.

The stubborn part of me things, "Don't tell me what to do!" Which can be an attitude that sabotages my recovery and it is the attitude that needs to change to find spirituality. My father use to say I was more contrary than stubborn. I argued for arguments sake. It wasn`t so much stubborn in my belief, but not agreeing with you, because it meant I was wrong.

As it says in the Big Book, "...that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery...."

I stubbornly refused to go back to where I came from. I saw so many relapsing, I had a healthy fear; until such a time I could turn it into trust in the program and know it would work for me.

My best thinking got me to the doors of recovery, so it seemed reasonable to open my mind to other concepts and ideas.

My life has been very much enriched as a result of opening my mind, remaining teachable, and willing to listen to others as to how the program worked for them.

:62:

The eagle means spirit. It also means freedom to me. Open mindedness is what brought that to me.

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Thoughtful of others vs Self-Pity

Not too sure if these go together to my way of thinking today.

I always try to be thoughtful of others even if I am having a pity party.

Feel like one of those coming on. Sick and tired of not getting answers and my mind is focused on myself and often think the worst. That happened recently when I went for blood work, only to find that everything was very good, except for my bone density.

It helped to be with or sharing with others on the phone, because I end up feeling that there are others a lot worse off physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally than I am. It sure helps to get out of self and be there for someone else.

The opposite of self-pity for me is being grateful. Not only saying it, but showing it. I think some people think I am in self-pity, but in truth, I look at it as no matter what happens in my life, I don`t have to pick up. I no longer abuse myself and others. Taking my pain out on others is not an option. Taking my pain to my God is a good option. When you share, it lessens the load, real or imagined.

This is a disease of perception. What I feel and what others perceive, is not always the same thing, so it only stands to reason, that I shouldn`t judge others and accept them for who and where they are in today.

When I am alone, there is no one to disagree with me. Sometimes you need a little push to get off the pot. Sometimes you don`t even know you are there.

Get off the pot and enjoy life as it is meant to be, happy, joyous, and free.

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Generous/Selfish

Have always been a generous person although what I gave away wasn't always my own! My father reminded me a few times over the years that it was 'his' stuff! I think my motto was, "What is yours is mine and what's mine is mine." I certainly needed a spiritual healing on this one.

Often it was paved with good intentions, but the motive and purpose wasn't always for the good of all.

I had to learn to find the difference between self-care and being selfish. I had to fill me up in order to have something to give. The difference was, not keeping it all to myself and sharing with others.

Before it was "What is in it for me and was often centered in money." Whether it was to get my drug of choice in the moment or just to satisfy my personal need for attention, validation, acceptance, etc. it all needed to be revised and touched by the Hand of my God.

http://www.support-native-american-a...l-Symbols.html

It is my understanding that the Native American belief is that the Turkey is the symbol of giving away. Turkey (Earth Eagle): Sacrifice of self for a higher purpose.

Perhaps that is why it has been a symbol at Thanksgiving and generally served at holiday feasts.

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Patient/Impatient

My life felt like I had to be put hold, and I am waiting for things to happen. I really have to guard against this, and just stay in today and not get impatient for things to come.

I have minor surgery in March and my doctor's office is phoning to let me know when I go to the sleep disorder clinic. I have been with bad results as I didn't sleep when I was suppose to, so going again. I mentioned this before, but now he feels like I need the machine for sleep apnea.

Patience has never been one of my strong points. Always wanted things yesterday, if not sooner. A friend did comment the other day that I was much more patient than I use to have. I think I was more hyper than impatient, and it is probably old age that has settled in and slowed me down.

Today, I try to wait on God's will. I can still whisper in His ear once in a while and say, "Can You give me a little hint so We both will know what is going on?"

I am reminded that I should pray and ask for patience. When I do, I get things put into my life to tolerate, so I can practice my patience.

In early recovery, when they asked for a topic for discussion, and I would always say one of the following: patience, tolerance, and acceptance. If you have the acceptance, you generally don't become impatient or intolerant.

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SOME DAYS FEEL LIKE WE DON'T GET VERY FAR. THAT IS OKAY, ALL WE ARE ASKED TO DO IS 'TRY' ONE DAY AT A TIME.

When I looked at the picture and quote above, I was reminded about how often I have felt like I wasn't getting any where. I can remember wanting to get a quick fix and make everything OK, right now. Not realizing that I didn't get this way over night and I sure won't get better over night.

It is a one day at a time program. All I can do is the best I can on each given day. Sometimes I fall short and don't put too much effort into things. Other day, I get tired thinking about what I did.

I might not get out to meetings very often, I do have a sponsor I call when she is here. At the moment she is either in California or Arizona. I talk recovery each day for 3-5 hours posting on sites on the internet and answer mail although I have been very lax in that area lately.

Every time I mention getting a scooter, my doctor(s) say, "Keep mobile as long as you can. Try to get exercise every day." I realized that if I didn't keep going, if I stopped, one day, I might not get going again. Like my body, my mind needs exercise. My spirit needs little gems over the course of the say to stay content and at peace.

Food for the body, mind and spirit. I try to be the best me I can be in today. I will never quit recovery and staying clean and sober, unfortunately, there are days I quit on me.

Honest/Dishonest

Honestly, at the moment, I am having problems getting motivated.

With my sleeping disorder, Sometimes I wake up to sunlight and other times, I am going to bed and miss a lot of it, which is why the motivation is lacking. I find myself saying, "I can't do this because.... It is very negative, and what I put out comes back to me.

Honesty is the best policy. How many times have we said that and thought, "Yahdy, Yahdy, Dah! I needed that self-honest to heal and get better. It isn't about other people, places, and things, it is about me and how I react to the situation in the moment.

Often make a list, so I wouldn't forget the things I need to discuss with my doctor, sponsor, son, etc. It isn't that I don't want to tell, I often forget. Then I forget my list, and then I feel dejected. How can I get my needs met,if he/she doesn't see the whole picture.

So often in the past, I only told people what I thought they wanted to hear. Who am I to judge? Who am I to make the decision for someone else? Then I have to ask, "Who am I to hurt someone by telling them the truth. They need to find their own answers." My sponsor always said, "Go within, you have all the answers." I would reply, "Yes but I don't always know what the question is." That is why we have sponsors! :D

I know my tongue use to be a weapon, today I try to use it to put people back together. That means being honest, speaking my truth. It is my truth and I came to realize that my truth isn't always that of others. I have a right to my own, yet in turn, to have my truth respected, I needed to respect that of others. I didn't have to agree. They didn't have to agree. We could agree to disagree.

Honesty is the best policy. Self-honesty helps me to heal and grow.

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Aware of others/Self-centered

When I am in pain, I can be on both sides of this chip. For the most part though, when in pain, I know it is best to get out of self and help others. It is a good thing that I now post on recovery sites, as I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue, I am grateful for my computer.

When I was using, it was about me with little thought of others. In today, I am much more aware and not only care, try to follow things up with action. There is feeling behind the thought.

When I haven't heard from my sister, I pick up the phone. For me, it is not good to go without contact with family for long periods of time. Unfortunately, for the most part, my family doesn't always feel the same way. Generally there is a want or a need to vent behind the call.

I try to be there for others although one night, even though I set a boundary, it was ignored and I had to reinforce it at 3 a.m. in the morning. I later felt bad, because I had to end a conversation, but the heat was getting to me and my apartment was like a sauna. If they had wanted to talk recovery, I would have made more of an effort to talk. They just wanted to talk and it sounded like they were on a pity party. If someone wants help to change,I am there, if they aren't willing, there is nothing I can do for them. When I was on the AA Help Line, I was told to not to talk to someone who was drunk. They wouldn't remember the next day, and there is just no way you can have a two sided conversation with someone who is drunk or has been using. I made exceptions some times, but only if I was in a place where I could afford to be dumped on.

I am very much guilty of not having patience and tolerance with someone who has asked for help, not taken any steps to change, and are in the same position several months and years later. When that happens, I have to say a prayer for them and for myself.

Forgiving/Resentful

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is
not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget
creates a new way to remember". We change the memory of our
past into a hope for our future". - - Lewis B. Smedes

Need a whole lot of work on this chip at the best of times, they say it is an Aires nature to be unforgiving. I know it is true when it comes to myself and that I can quite often get mini-resentment and have to use the tools of the program to let them go.

Realized a long time ago that I don't have to pay forever and ever about what I did in the past. It is done, I can't change it, and all I can do is try to be the best me I can be in today. No more "You owe me!" or "That's your job" or "That's your role." I don't allow others to define who I am or who I should be. When I feel like that, I know to pack the bags, and get out of there. Thank God for the program!

They say if you have a resentment against someone to pray for them for three weeks. That includes me, asking my God to heal me.

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Thanks Jo....that is a great way of putting it....I have come to a point in recovery where that mirror that others show of me..is so different from what I see in me...The past is a distant memory...I am grateful for it today since it does help others identify but I no longer hold it as a club over my head or play victim or that I deserve to be punished and put down because of "what i did" ...today I practice patience, tolerance and lots of self care...self care helps me to appreciate the person I am becoming each day..and the place I am in recovery...I am so grateful for now being able to accept compliments from others...and living in that saying on our coins..."to thine own self be true" It is hard to really look at myself sometimes...but I find more and more I am not afraid of who i am today and yes, when I am pin pointed or dragged through the past i can accept it but turn it over and yes the option to just go away is there...we have so many tools in this journey of recovery...learning to use them may take courage and patience with myself...but it does work...Peace, Schell

IDENTIFY/COMPARISON

Written on another site in June 2004

As long as I compared I stayed sick. When I identified parts of myself in others, I healed.

Our feet may have walked a different path to find recovery, but our minds often told us the same things, and our dis-ease manifested itself in many ways.

I had a little chuckle when I read about people not having what I had. Tsk! Tsk! I need people to remind me where I came from. With my memory, it is good but short. It is always good to have a reminder of where you have been and where you are in today. It is hard to believe it was written ten years ago.

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Satisfied/Greedy

Gluttony, greed - Wanting and taking too much: food, sex, time, money, comfort, leisure, material possessions, attention, security. Acquiring things (material things, relationships, attention) at the expense of others.

Yep, that was me in active addiction. God and I have been working on this in recovery. I know that when I become needy, I become greedy.

It is important that I don't allow myself to become 'needy' and recognize that my God meets my needs, anything over and above that is my wants and desires. They are okay in their place but not when it is at the expense of another.

It is nice to give myself some TLC and yet I know that I can spoil myself rotten, and that is not always good. It is not always good to be in a comfortable zone, it generally means time to change. If I get too comfortable, I become complacent. I must remember that it is a one day at a time program, and what I did 10 years ago, or even 10 days ago, doesn't help me in today, except perhaps, if I have already gone through it, a little bit smarter in how to handle things but not always. :(

Being satisfied and finding acceptance, makes me so grateful when those extra little gifts come my way.

Osho says, "Greed simply means you are feeling a deep emptiness and you want to fill it with anything possible. So drop greed, and don't be bothered about the results. Sometimes it happens that because of your impatience, you miss many things.

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- controlling attitude toward people, places and things – Trying to control others by manipulation, bribery, punishment, withholding things or tricking them into acting as we wish, even when we believe it is in their best interest to do so. Failing to be equal partners with others and to consider their knowledge and opinions.

Not sure what the correct opposite is, was searching for a word and ended getting phrases.

When I read the preface to Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, I read the preface and ran to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. It was the word control and the issues surrounding it that really stuck out. It painted a too vivid picture and one I didn't like and needed to change.

It has been a process. It is not easy to accept people, places and things for who and what they are and where they are at. The words that came to mind were, "Mind my own business."

If you have to control it, it is already out of control. :sad:

Acceptance is the key, without it I can't get beyond where I am in today. :grin:

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Patient/Impatient

This is something I have to practice daily but even more vigilant when things don't seem to be 'going' my way. I found myself out and about at the mall today and not having too much patience for the people around me. Everyone seemed to want to walk through me and it was like I was invisible even though I am pushing a walker. Everyone seems to be in such a rush to go from point A to point B and not interested in looking at the scenery or meeting the people along the way.

It reminded me of my life prior to recovery where I had tunnel vision and looked at life through rose-coloured glasses and life was all about me with no thought of anyone else.

I am careful about praying for patience as it seems my God has a sense of humour and sends things along that I have to learn to tolerate and to practice on.

Something I wrote in 2010 about trying to apply the program to my life:

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This describes a lot of what I was brought up with and thought myself to be very liberal minded. What I was in, was rebellion.

I thought myself a free spirit and what I was a stoned spook/spoof for want of a better word(s), to describe someone who didn't have a clue.

When I was told that HOW the program worked was Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness, the mind was the first thing I did. I thought I had honesty, but I was cash register honest, but I didn't have true self-honest, and that came last.

Using was no longer an option. For me to use was to die, so I had to find a new way of living. I went to lots of meetings to listen to everyone, and I got so mixed up with this pile of knowledge, with not to knowledge about how to sort it and to put what where.

I heard people sharing about a Higher Power, got so confused, that I didn't recognize my own God and realized I didn't know who He was. I went on a spiritual Quest, opening my mind to all possibilities. In the past, my mind would have slammed shut. Instead I became intrigued and kept on looking and I am still looking today. God is as He reveals Himself to me today. If I stop looking, I might forget to start looking again.

God is who I need Him to be in today. He wears many hats and has broad shoulders. He is loving and caring and I am sure sometimes exasperated and frustrated, yet is Love is unconditional and His promises do come true.

With each new day, is a new experience, a new awareness, and a new connection. He is always there I know. Yet for me, it is me that has to make the conscious effort to reach out to Him.

When it comes to many things, because of my upbringing, I thought that life didn't have very many options. I didn't know I had choices. I didn't know that if it wasn't done the way I was taught, it could be acceptable too. I thought everything was dyed in stone, and my outlook was very narrow, and if things didn't seem acceptable, my mind, snapped shut.

To know that there is no right way or wrong way of working the program. To know that there is no race, no order that things had to be done although it was suggested that the Steps be taken in order. I wasn't too open to that. I can seeing going over them with your sponsor in order, but when it comes to living, they are applicable in the moment as needed. For example: I can't deal with this defect of character yet because I am not on Step 6, I am on Step 2. I went to a lot of Step meetings. It was important to open my mind and listen to how other members worked the Steps and what they did for their lives.

Recovery is important to me. Each day is a new beginning, a new experience, a new awakening, and I am open to anything spiritual in nature.

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"Anxiety – Not as a clinical diagnosis, but as a general way of viewing things with an eye toward what is wrong, what might be wrong, what has been wrong or what is going to be wrong. Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change

- Realitistic Recovery

Well this is where I am at and what I need to change. Sending prayers and asking for help to stay in today and not project into next week.

Accepting the things I cannot change is difficult and not always easy, accepting the unknown is even more difficult for me. I like to be in the know. Not that I have any more control, just want to know what is happening, probably because I am curious and just plain snoopy, because if I knew, there is no saying I would do anything about it.

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I like the fact that I don't have to like it in order to accept it. I know I will not like it, and I can accept the situation is at hand, just not sure what form the situation will take.

I have a feeling that the Serenity Prayer will be said many times, and grateful that I can't wear it out.

Like all things, no matter what I go through, I know that I have to get to a place of acceptance. The nice thing about is is the awareness, that you are there or you are not and you can work towards it.

Just have to leave it all in my God Hands. It is a good thing that He has large Hands.

The slogan Hesitate and Meditate helped me. Stop and think before you speak. I often walk away, think about something, process it, and then share on it.

One time I lost it in the AA office when they said that the Women's Discussion group couldn't be a part of Inter-group and I had to return my papers. I returned my papers, after responding to a poor guy who was on telephone answering service who just said good morning. He was not the person I was angry at but he got the brunt of the outburst. I later thought, just think of what I would have said if I hadn't said the Serenity Prayer for the three blocks it took me to get there.

I made an amend to the person later. And the man who made the statement, came to the group and made an amend.

That was when I was about 3 years sober. Seldom do I think and say it these day. It is generally an accumulation of things that cause me to react.

I do myself and the others an injustice when I am not kind. Quite often it is the sins of someone else or a compound of issues from my past that affect me in today. It also helps me to remember Hugs not Drugs. Drugs come in many forms. Anything that stands between me and who my God would have me be in today.

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Have always had an open mind since coming into recovery, especially when it comes to a Higher Power that works for everyone. Especially needed it, to get over the resentment and anger that I felt yesterday.

It is His Grace that brought me here so it is only right I extend grace to others. I tend to be a bit stubborn when it comes to what I believe in. I have trouble letting it go. I can even admit to being a bit smug and have told a few people, "I told you so." It doesn't happen very often in today.

My boss use to say, "I hate it when you are right." He was always out to prove me wrong.

My father use to say I was more contrary than stubborn. This was true in my marriage. I always picked a different team and seldom cheered or the same team as my ex. I cheered for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders because their uniforms were green.

Bridge has helped me to be more gracious to my partner. As I have posted before, the director and owner of the club says, "If you want to find a good partner, be one." Her words stuck with me. She is not program. She is a spiritual lady at heart and a complete agnostic.

When ever I hear open-mind, I think of that other quote I have posted many times, "Don't have such an open mind that everything falls out of it.

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An open mind, means that I allow others to speak their truth, that doesn't mean I have to accept it as mine, but allowing them the space to speak and share.

If I look hard enough, I am sure I will find something I need to hear and if I listen hard enough, identify instead of compare, I will see that it is a reflection from within me, something I don't want to deal with. I think of it as their stuff, not mine; when in fact, it takes one to know one.

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Outgoing - Withdrawn

I look at it as introverted and extroverted, I was both.

On the whole, for most of my life I was out going. Before it was bolster courage, because I always wanted to fit in and be a part of what ever was the it thing in the moment. A lot was a brave front to hide my low self-esteem and I had little confidence. I wasn't shy, just unsure of myself.

Over the years I have mellowed. Not so out there as I use to be.

In today, I am more withdrawn but thanks to the internet I can connect to others in recovery.

Hoping when the good weather comes, I can get out to meetings. Meetings have always been a healing tool for me, so glad that I can have this connection with all of you. When I am withdrawn, I can isolate my soul and God`s messages don`t always get through all the barriers I put up.

Like all things there is balance.

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Tolerant/Intolerant

Most days I am, unless I am intolerant of myself.

As they say in the program, if you ask for patience, you get things to tolerate to practice on, quite often that is myself.

As the Al-Anon slogan says, "Let it begin with me." Recovery isn't about the other person, it is about me. Often that other person is a reflection, and more often than not, they have a lesson to teach me. Not just tolerance, but what I see in them, is something within myself that I need to address.

Most times I am intolerant of myself for being less than, for not measuring up to what I feel I can do or have done in the past. I had to learn to take it easy on myself and not be such a hard task master. Comparison always left me feeling less than or better than, and recovery reminds me that we walk this road together. We each have our own cross to bear, our own idiosyncrasies and our own issues to deal with.

A lot boils down to lower expectations and much more acceptance. I had to remember that some people are just not capable or able to meet my expectations and I really have no right to place them on them.

The insanity of our disease, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

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Humble/Arrogant

Arrogance, conceit- Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. An excessively favourable opinion of one’s own ability, importance, wit, etc. Being a know-it-all. Telling others how I am better than someone else, or thinking those thoughts to myself.

Lydia at Don't Drink and Die

Don't like to think I am like this. I try to share my experience, strength and hope. Fess up to my foibles and admit to those little things that get in the way in my daily life.

I know that left on my own, I would not be clean and sober today. So many people have been put in my path, great teachers, many who I met on this site.

I tried my way for many years. I am so grateful that I had the 10 years of meetings as a foundation on which to build on in today, I may post a lot on the site. I made a commitment to do certain readings and post which I try to do daily. If something speaks to me, I try to share it with the hope that it will help others.

I love recovery. I love the program. I wouldn't have recovery without the program, the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions. If I am feeling as though I am being arrogant, then I need to look at where I came from.

Each day truly is a new beginning. God is as He reveals Himself to me in today.

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Heard two things about humility in early recovery. One long-timer said it meant to be remain teachable.

The other long-timer was speaking at a meeting and introduced himself as, Hi, I am Len, I am a humble recovering alcoholic. If you ever hear anyone say they have humility, you know they haven't got it, which broke up the room. He carried a great message to me that night. We can do what I can't do alone. When I think I am running the show, I am running toward a relapse.

First and foremost, come God. My God utilizes people, places and things to show me a better way of life. It is up to me to be humble enough to accept that help and in return pay it forward.

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I was told the difference is admitting you don't know it all and willing to learn and be teachable vs thinking you know it all and your way is the only way.

I will always remember a long-timer speaking and saying, "If you hear someone say that they are humble and have humility, you know that the don't." He then turned around and said, "I am a humble man." Of coarse, everyone had a big laugh. It was a known fact to those who knew him that he tended to be quite arrogant at times.

I heard at a meeting, "Humble means to become teachable." I had a guy ask me out for coffee a few years into recovery. He asked, "Do all you do is talk recovery?" I said, "Yes, it is a way of life." I am still talking recovery. I still work the program. I am still a student of recovery. I am on this journey for the long haul. As I have said many times before, "I don't want to know what my Higher Power looks like. If I knew then I might stop looking for Him." I just try to remember to take my Higher Power with me on each day's journey. Sometimes I get lost, make a wrong turn or get side tracked. When I do, I search until I find Him and find my way back home.

posted on another site in 2011

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