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Wisdom For Today - December
December 1
Wisdom for Today When I was active in my addiction, I developed all kinds of unrealistic expectations of others and myself. I expected my parents to bail me out of one jam after another. I expected my wife to put up with my insanity. I expected her to cover for me with my employer. I expected my kids to leave me alone when I wanted to get high or have a drink. I expected my using friends to turn me on even when I had my own secret stash. I expected my friends to buy me a cold beer when I was short of cash. My expectations of myself were no different. I expected no less than perfection. I had to be the perfect party animal. I had to be the perfect husband. I had to be the best drinker. I had to be the best father. All this left me feeling like a complete failure, because there was no way I could ever measure up to my own expectations. I stopped drinking and using, but my unrealistic expectations continued. I wanted my sponsor to bail me out of one jam after another. I expected my family to restore their trust in me immediately. I wanted my boss to pay me more money. I still expected my kids to leave me alone. My perfectionism didn't just disappear because I was clean and sober. In fact, all these unrealistic expectations had become another character defect. In my fourth step I was forced to begin to look at these defects. I began to see how I continued to self-sabotage the things that were important to me. There was no way I would ever be able to gain self-respect or the trust of others if I hung on to these old ideas and behaviors. Do I see how my expectations of others and myself have become self-destructive? Meditations for the Heart Each and every day provides us with an opportunity for progress. It is up to us to make the best use of these opportunities. It is not always easy to see the progress that we make. Each small step we take, and each time we move forward in our recovery effort, we make progress. It all adds up, and over time the progress we make is realized. God sees this progress long before we do. He is there to direct our every step along the path to recovery. It is our Higher Power who presents us with the opportunities for self-improvement. Now we do have a choice: We can refuse to take advantage of these opportunities, or we can forge ahead confident that God is guiding our path. I have found it important to ask myself after meetings, "What is one thing I can do differently that will improve my recovery?" I do not believe God wants me to look for ten things or twenty things to change, only one step at a time. What opportunity have you been given today? Petitions to my Higher Power God, This path of recovery has many twists and turns, yet it is always filled with opportunities for self-improvement. Today help me to let go of my unrealistic expectations of others. Help me also to see that perfectionism only hurts me. Help me to take each opportunity that is offered me and make the best use of each step I take. Amen. |
December 2
Wisdom for Today As my addiction progressed, I found that I became very careless. It got to the point that I didn't care about my family. I didn't care about my work. I didn't care about my friends. And I certainly didn't care about me. My ability to care about what was really important was drained out of me. I would try and put on a good show, but the reality was that I just didn't care. I was no longer using alcohol and drugs to have fun; I was using just to feel normal. I would wake up in the morning and be drawn right back to the insanity of my life. There just was no way out, and I didn't care anymore. I got clean and sober, but my attitude had not changed. I still didn't care. I was just going through the motions. I would go to the meetings and say the right things, but I just didn't care. I had lost a lot because of my addiction, but I didn't care enough to try and get it back. My attitude was pervasive in my life. I really didn't care what my sponsor's advice was, because I really didn't care about me. This defect of character had to go if I ever was going to get clean and sober. I needed to learn how to care about myself again. I needed to learn to care about my life again. I needed to learn to care about others again. Have I started to care and be caring again? Meditations for the Heart God is all around us. His spirit abounds in the universe. When I look back at my life, I am not sure when I began to care about myself again. It seems that there were many things standing in the way. Guilt, shame and self-hatred all served as blocks to caring. I went to meetings and heard it was a selfish program, but I didn't care enough to really try. Today I have come to believe that this willingness to begin to care for myself again is a gift from God. I know I would not have had any chance at recovery without this gift. Still, I have to do the footwork, which means that I need to care enough about myself to work the steps. It starts with very simple things like eating right and taking yourself to meetings. Do I recognize the need for the gift of self-care and then act upon it? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I am so grateful that You cared about me when I could not care for myself. I am grateful You put people in my life to help me learn how to care for myself again. It has not always been easy, as there was so much self-hatred I needed to overcome. Yet, You stuck with me and helped me find a way to care again. Teach me more about caring each day that I walk on this pathway to recovery. Amen. |
December 3
Wisdom for Today During the final months of my addiction, I became very trustless. I no longer trusted my friends. I no longer trusted my family. I certainly had plenty of evidence that I could no longer trust myself. I no longer could even trust my using to help me escape the insanity of my life. I felt all alone. Then it all came crashing down. I walked in the house only to be thrown out. I had nowhere to turn. I trusted no one. I had hit bottom. I believe that every addict or alcoholic experiences some crisis that finally wakes him or her up. I was no different. I got into the fellowship. I stopped drinking and getting high. But the fear of trusting others and the fear of trusting myself did not go away. It had become a way of life. I'm not sure exactly when I decided to risk trusting again. Perhaps it was seeing others making it at meetings. Perhaps it was Divine intervention. Perhaps it was because I had no other choice. The risk I took was small. I asked for help; and to my surprise I was given not only help, but also friendship, encouragement and even trust. People started to trust me to come early and help set-up for meetings. I was asked to share my story. I was given trust even when I deserved none. Am I beginning to trust again? Meditations for the Heart When active in my addiction, I was a force for evil. I was dishonest. I had a false ego. I let fear run my life. I had unrealistic expectations. I became careless, and I trusted no one. All of these defects of character and more became pervasive in my life. They did not simply disappear because I stopped drinking and using. More work had to be done. My moral character had become twisted. I stopped the insanity, but I still needed to straighten up. In the Fourth Step I had to look at myself and see what I had become. I had to admit that much was broken. It was not an easy process to honestly and fearlessly inventory what I had become. Yet without this inventory I would not have known what my shortcomings were. This inventory allowed me to see what needed to change. It was not just my drinking and using that needed to change. I just had to stop drinking and using. I also needed to change. This is the miracle of recovery. It wasn't just changing the things I did; it was changing me from the inside out. I could not do this on my own, but I knew that my Higher Power would help me with this too. Am I willing to look for how I need to change who I am? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Taking inventory is hard work. When I look at myself, I do not like all that I see. Guide me to become the person You want me to become. I know that with your help, I will find the courage to change the things I can. Walk with me this day and show me the way to a new me. Amen. |
December 4
Wisdom for Today When I finally realized that I needed to change more than just my using, I was overwhelmed. I had no idea where to start. It seemed that my list of character defects was never ending. But as I listened at meetings and talked with my sponsor, things became more and more clear. The first thing I needed to do was learn how to care again. This was a complete reversal of direction for me. I had spent a lot of time behaving in very self-destructive behavior. I had so much self-hatred. My emotions were swimming around and all confused. Yet, I knew that if I could not find a way to care about myself, then nothing else would change. I had to start “simple” - just caring for myself physically. This meant beginning to eat right. It also meant becoming more physically active. It also meant getting enough sleep. This is where I had to start; and to my surprise, my life started to feel more manageable. Then I needed to learn how to take care of myself emotionally, and finally I needed to learn to care for myself spiritually. The changes I felt were not sudden or immense. Each day they came in very small steps of progress. Some days I did a better job than others. Sometimes it felt like I was backsliding. Over time I slowly began to realize that caring for myself was something that seemed strange. It was selfish, but healthy. I also began to see that this was exactly what my Higher Power wanted me to do. Learning to care was the spark that would light a flame that would eventually lead me to learning how to care for others. Do I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually? Meditations for the Heart "God don't make junk!" I'm not sure where I first saw these words, but I do remember when I first realized that these words applied to me. God made me who I am for a reason. He did not make me an addict or an alcoholic; this happened for other reasons. But He did make me for something. It was not to be on the bottom of the junk pile. In learning to live again, I needed to see my life though my Higher Power's eyes. I began to see that God's plans for me were much better than the plans I had for myself. All I needed to do was allow God to work His Spirit into my life. A seed of caring was planted, and I was given tools to nurture this seed. So I worked the garden, and God provided both the rain and sunshine to help this seed of self-care take root and grow. Do I see that God wants me to care for myself? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I pray that I may let Your Spirit lead my life. I am so grateful for the care that You have given to me. It has helped me to see that I am not junk. Let me work diligently in the garden to nurture this seed of self-care. Help me understand that both Your sunshine and rain are needed to help this seed grow. Let me use the tools I have been provided to grow the wonderful garden of my life. Amen. |
December 5
Wisdom for Today When I finally realized that I needed to change more than just my using, I was overwhelmed. I had no idea where to start. It seemed that my list of character defects was never ending. But as I listened at meetings and talked with my sponsor, things became more and more clear. The first thing I needed to do was learn how to care again. This was a complete reversal of direction for me. I had spent a lot of time behaving in very self-destructive behavior. I had so much self-hatred. My emotions were swimming around and all confused. Yet, I knew that if I could not find a way to care about myself, then nothing else would change. I had to start “simple” - just caring for myself physically. This meant beginning to eat right. It also meant becoming more physically active. It also meant getting enough sleep. This is where I had to start; and to my surprise, my life started to feel more manageable. Then I needed to learn how to take care of myself emotionally, and finally I needed to learn to care for myself spiritually. The changes I felt were not sudden or immense. Each day they came in very small steps of progress. Some days I did a better job than others. Sometimes it felt like I was backsliding. Over time I slowly began to realize that caring for myself was something that seemed strange. It was selfish, but healthy. I also began to see that this was exactly what my Higher Power wanted me to do. Learning to care was the spark that would light a flame that would eventually lead me to learning how to care for others. Do I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually? Meditations for the Heart "God don't make junk!" I'm not sure where I first saw these words, but I do remember when I first realized that these words applied to me. God made me who I am for a reason. He did not make me an addict or an alcoholic; this happened for other reasons. But He did make me for something. It was not to be on the bottom of the junk pile. In learning to live again, I needed to see my life though my Higher Power's eyes. I began to see that God's plans for me were much better than the plans I had for myself. All I needed to do was allow God to work His Spirit into my life. A seed of caring was planted, and I was given tools to nurture this seed. So I worked the garden, and God provided both the rain and sunshine to help this seed of self-care take root and grow. Do I see that God wants me to care for myself? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I pray that I may let Your Spirit lead my life. I am so grateful for the care that You have given to me. It has helped me to see that I am not junk. Let me work diligently in the garden to nurture this seed of self-care. Help me understand that both Your sunshine and rain are needed to help this seed grow. Let me use the tools I have been provided to grow the wonderful garden of my life. Amen. |
December 6
Wisdom for Today Lack of awareness was another one of my shortcomings. The reality was that I had little or no awareness of how my behavior affected other people. I had been so wrapped up in my own self-centeredness that I just could not see what was happening. It was not just how my behavior affected others that I was missing, but also self-awareness. I had no idea how I really felt. I knew I felt good when people were leaving me alone and felt bad when I was being hassled. But as for my emotions, I had no idea what made me happy. I had lost touch with sadness, fear, anger, shame, hurt feelings and many more. Everything was either good or bad. As I began to come out of the fog, I began to see things for the first time. Anger was probably the first emotion I got in touch with. I was angry I had to go to all those meetings. I was angry that I couldn’t do things my way. I was angry I had this disease. As my anger subsided, I got in touch with other emotions -- fear, sadness and shame. I began to see how my behavior was affecting others. I began to realize more and more that I had to change if I was ever going to stay in recovery. As I started to put others into the equation of life, my self-centeredness began to slip away. With regular inventory of myself, I began to gain better understanding of my emotional responses. I began to see how my thinking, attitudes and behaviors had a lot to do with how I felt. Am I becoming more aware of my actions and myself? Meditations for the Heart In the program I began to see that those who reached out to me were able to help because they truly understood what I was going through. They had been through many of the same things I was going through. It was one addict or alcoholic helping another. It was their understanding that allowed them to help me. As I hung around the program longer, I began to see that this was also true of my Higher Power. God was able to help me, not just because He was more powerful than I was, but also because He understood. I am not saying that God was an addict or an alcoholic, but he certainly understood pain, fear, sadness, anger and all the other emotions I experienced. God also understands joy, serenity and peace of mind. These are things that I had to learn about from God and others. Today awareness is not always easy, but it is real, and I know I can deal with it. Do I reach out to others because I understand them? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Today is a new day, and I do not yet know what this day will bring. Regardless of what cards may be dealt to me this day; I will work to remain aware of my choices. Help me this day to remain aware of my thinking, attitudes and behaviors. Give me courage to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. Let me always be understanding of the needs of others. Amen. |
December 7
Wisdom for Today When I was active in my addiction to alcohol and drugs, one thing I did not possess was the ability to be rational. I would avoid making decisions all the time (which strangely enough is a decision in and of itself), because I really had no clue about how to make a decision. Most of my actions were impulsive, without thought and made in reaction to an event or emotional response or in defensiveness. Being rational was something I just did not comprehend. Often times I lived by the motto, "If it feels good, do it." And often times as I lived this way, I really put others or myself at risk. Even when it came to making decisions about when or what to use to get high, I really wasn't making these decisions. My disease was making them for me. Even early in the recovery process, I struggled with making decisions. I always seemed to leave a door open - "Just in case." Even though I said I wanted to stop my using, I repeatedly relapsed, felt guilty and ashamed, would stop again and then start all over again. I was still on the merry-go-round of denial. It was not until I ruled out all my options, closed all the doors, got rid of all the excuses and made a decision to stop that I was able to really accept my powerlessness. In recovery I had to learn how to make rational decisions. It was rational to do that which was healthy. And so I began the journey toward becoming rational. It was rational to do things God's way rather than my way. My way didn't work. Many times I have had to look for rational answers to the problems of life, and each time I learn more. Have I started to be more rational? Meditations for the Heart The last line of the Serenity Prayer ends with, "and the wisdom to know the difference." But what is this thing called wisdom, and where do I find it? I was convinced early on in recovery that when someone would say the slogan, "Keep it simple, stupid," that I was indeed the stupid one they were talking about. Looking back, there was some truth to that; but the reality was that I had a lot of "smarts," just the wrong kind. I had street smarts but lacked commonsense. I behaved in foolish ways and did not possess the wisdom I needed. So I began to study and do research. I studied the program literature. I listened intently to others at meetings. They were the winners, and they had wisdom I did not have. I spent long hours doing "homework" with my sponsor. Little by little I began to pick up bits and pieces of wisdom that I could trust. Today I am not so "stupid" anymore, but I am wise enough to know that I can get that way again if I quit studying and researching what I need to do in ongoing recovery? Am I working to gain wisdom in the program? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I have learned that wisdom can be gained if I am willing to do the footwork. I also know that true wisdom only comes from You, so continue to lead me to the places where I can gain the wisdom You want me to have. Help me to seek out the winners and learn from them the wisdom of a healthy life in recovery. As I walk through this day, help me to make rational decisions, closing the doors on irrational choices. Amen. |
December 8
Wisdom for Today Early in my recovery process I had to learn some hard lessons. One of the more difficult lessons was acceptance. It was not hard to accept the fact that I was an addict and alcoholic. It was hard learning to accept everything else. There was plenty of evidence that I could not control my use of alcohol or drugs. There was plenty of evidence that it had messed up my life. Accepting my addiction was easy. Learning to accept all the demands of recovery was another story. Learning to accept that I could no longer run the show was not going to be easy. I think surrender is hard for us all. But what was really hard to accept was learning to accept others and myself. I had spent years acting like I owned the world. I took what I wanted. I did what I wanted. I also had spent years feeling like I was the lowest form of slime on the bottom of the ocean. In recovery I had to learn how to accept myself for whom and what I was. I had to own all of me - the good, the bad and the ugly. There was an awful lot that I wanted to stay in denial about, but recovery would not let me do this. In order to accept myself, I would need to forgive myself for all the wrongs I had done. I also would have to stop acting like I was better than others or worse than others. I had to admit that I am just one drink away from a drunk, one fix away from getting wasted. I was no different than all the other drunks, junkies, cokers and freaks at the meetings. I was no better and no worse, just like others. Am I being accepting of others and myself? Meditations of the Heart Learning to accept oneself is not an easy process in recovery. However, when you look at yourself through God's eyes, it becomes much easier. After all, being pulled from the pit of despair and insanity, God must have His reasons for that. God must see something in me that I could not see in myself. He must see that I fit into His plan somehow. If God sees this in me, who am I to deny what He sees? The really difficult part is holding onto that vision of what God sees. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life and forget about God's vision for me. This is why I take time each morning to focus on God's plan for me. This is why it is important to seek His direction, so that I may hold onto His vision for me. What do I see when I look in God's mirror? Petitions for the Heart God, Sometimes I try to be something or someone I am not. Sometimes I lose sight of Your will for me, yet You continue to guide me back to the path I am supposed to be on. Certainly Your vision of me is not something that I easily comprehend. Help me to see glimpses of Your vision. Help me to see that I am worthwhile. Amen. |
December 9
Wisdom for Today Fear continued to interfere with my life even early in my recovery. This was not something that just disappeared when I stopped using. I needed to change this, and it meant that I had to discover something called courage. There was a problem though. I thought I didn't have any; or if I did, I certainly didn't know where to find it. Where would I find this, "Courage to change the things I can?" I had no idea. So I went to my sponsor and asked him, and I went to meetings and asked people there. I heard many different answers. I wasn't getting the easy answer I wanted. I was hoping it would happen if I did something, maybe if I worked the right step or said the right prayer. No such luck! Courage was not that easy. Then one night I went to a meeting and blurted out the question, "What is courage?" There was this old-timer sitting across the room, who cleared his throat and said, "It is when you become willing to do something even though you are scared." At last! An answer that made sense! Courage was about willingness, not bravery or fearlessness. I could become willing to make the changes I needed to make. I knew that my Higher Power would help me. I knew that my sponsor and the fellowship would help me. Yes, I was scared to make the changes I needed to make - giving up people, places and things. I could even become willing to change my attitudes, behaviors and beliefs. I was scared to death of some of these changes but became willing to change anyway. I discovered the courage I needed already existed inside of me. I just had to find it. I also believe that this courage is a gift from none other than my Higher Power. Do I believe that I already have the courage I need inside of me? Meditations for the Heart Sometimes courage is needed immediately, and at other times much struggle must be given to find the willingness in the face of fear. One thing I learned quickly was that courage was an act of the heart. I could not think my way into courage. This was a problem, because the heart is filled with desire. Sometimes my heart wanted to run and hide from the truth or from need to change. Sometimes my heart desired to be lazy. And at other times it desired to avoid, manipulate or con my way out of the need for change. I do not know how to make the heart desire to be courageous. All I can say is that it becomes much easier knowing and trusting that God is right there with me. So, when I feel fear in my heart, I know it is time to talk to my Higher Power. Sometimes I have to talk to Him quickly to find the courage needed in the moment. Other times I must talk to Him often to find the courage to make it through the struggle. I have also learned that it is important not to give up, because often the courage comes when I feel the weakest. Do I know where to turn when I need to find courage? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Sometimes, I feel like my heart is all messed up. There are so many different messages I get because of my unhealthy desires. Help this day to seek after that which I know to be healthy, and give to me the courage I need along the way. Let me be watchful for the traps of the heart that can lead me backwards. Guide my steps with wisdom. Amen |
December 10
Wisdom for Today Another quality of character that seemed to disappear with my addiction was the ability to trust. With increasing fear and doubt as my constant companions, I found it impossible to trust anyone or anything. It got to the point where I could not even trust drugs or alcohol to take me away from my misery. I stopped drinking and using, but my ability to trust had not returned. How was I supposed to trust a bunch of drunks to help me get clean and sober? And as for a Higher Power, my relationship with God was far in the past; I had no idea how to rekindle this relationship. Most of all I could no longer trust myself. Trust was not easy to rebuild. The thought of taking off the mask that I wore was so frightening, I could not imagine living without it. Then one day in desperation, sitting alone in my room with tears streaming down my face, I cried, "God, help me!" To my surprise He did. I'm not even sure when I realized that I was being helped, and I'm not sure it really mattered. Like peeling layers of an onion away, one by one I let my defenses fall by the wayside. I began to open up, and I continued to ask for help. Soon I could see that that bunch of drunks really had my best interests at heart. I was being shown the way, not just to sobriety, but also to a new way of living. As I followed the suggestions of others, I also found increasing happiness. I even found that I could begin to trust myself again, because I was no longer out to destroy myself. Am I becoming more trusting? Meditations for the Heart Prayer is a way to communicate with my Higher Power. Yet as I walk through the day, I am often confronted with so many different things that it is easy to loose sight of keeping God in the center of my life. In recovery I find that the word serenity is a slippery thing. Sometimes I tease and say that I have experienced at least 16 seconds of serenity in my recovery, and not all at once. Sadly this is not too far from accurate. I allow the material world to take center stage too often. However, when I am able to keep the spiritual world on center stage, I find that I have much more peace of mind and serenity. As I have walked on this path called recovery, I have learned that practice does not make things perfect, but practice does allow for progress. So prayer is something I need to practice. My sponsor suggested I try using the Dr. Pepper method of practice. I looked puzzled, and he said, "On the old bottles of Dr. Pepper, you would see the numbers 10, 2, and 4." This was a suggestion of the times during the day to drink a bottle of Dr. Pepper. A marketing scheme turned sideways to help alcoholics and addicts! So I began to pray at 10, 2, and 4. I found that this practice helped and progress followed. So did more and more periods of serenity. Do I practice to improve my communication with my Higher Power? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Help me this day to keep You central in my life. Let me not be distracted by the material world, but keep me focused on my spiritual life. Let me continue to risk trusting those who have walked this path before me. Most of all let me never stop trusting You. Amen. |
December 11
Wisdom for Today Another defect of character that I had to watch out for was inequality -- thinking that I was better than others or worse than others. Closely related was grandiosity, pretending that I was king of the world and all-powerful, in many ways pretending that I was god. This grandiosity also made me think that other people owed me. When I was actively drinking and using, I felt as if others should give me whatever I wanted. If I turned them on, I acted like I owned these individuals. This was particularly true of the women I dated. But even with my best using buddies, if I turned them on, I would act like I was king. I expected something in return. Even early in recovery I found myself judging others, looking for their faults, so that I could feel better about myself. On the other hand there was shame, an attitude about myself that told me that I was a damaged product. I was less than others. Shame was pervasive in my belief system and had me convinced that I was a real loser. I was not worthy of anyone's care or concern. This was particularly true in my relationship with God. How could a Higher Power possibly care about someone as worthless as I was? In recovery it became necessary to learn about equality, that I was not better and no worse than anyone else. I was just like everyone else. I was human, capable of great mistakes, capable of great success. Regardless of success or failure, I was still a worthwhile human being. I needed to change my belief system and see that God cared about me not because I was worthy, but simply because He chooses to care about me - the good, the bad and the ugly. Am I making progress with equality? Meditations for the Heart The program is a fellowship of hope. This is not a hope that is overly optimistic and looks at the world through rose-colored glasses. It also is not a hope that is pessimistic that is doomed to fail. It is a fellowship of hope that is real and genuine. Ask those individuals who are making it about hope, and they respond, "Hope is the free gift of God that comes through surrender." It is not the profound success that people have in the program that gives us hope, nor is it the failures we experience that makes us turn to this hope. Hope is simply a free gift we receive that is most definitely real. Hope fills our hearts and strengthens us for the new day. Hope fills our hearts and brings both comfort and serenity. Hope brings security, and hope allows for each new breath. This is not something we receive in isolation, but it is given to us freely through our participation in the program. Have I found this gift called hope? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Each day I am presented with the temptation to see myself as better than others or worse than others. Help this day to fight this temptation and to see myself as You see me, for I know that You see me as Your child, equal and worthy. Let me grab onto this thing called hope and not let go, for in You and in following Your will I am given this gift - not because of my success or my failure, but simply because You choose to give this to me freely. Amen. |
December 12
Wisdom for Today Some people say there aren't any heroes anymore. But I know this is just not the case. Anyone who is engaged in battle and fights with courage certainly is a hero. I meet heroes all the time at meetings. These are the people who have fought the good fight against the disease of addiction. They all have demonstrated courage under fire, and all have come out of the battle a changed person. I say this because, when I first met these people, I thought they were just a bunch of drunks. But as I began to know these people, I was surprised to find them reaching out to me. They taught me the ways of recovery quite unselfishly. They had been through exactly what I had been through. They were more unselfish than I ever was. As I spent time with these people, I began to think about myself less and a little more about other people. I began to share the things I had been taught with others. More and more often I was confronted with parts of my life that were still a mess. These same people continued to teach me all that they knew. I began to realize that I did not have to rely on myself to get clean and sober. I began to realize that through these people, I gained strength. These people continue to act in unselfish and heroic ways. They continue to teach, and I continue to learn. Am I now depending more on others and less on myself? Meditations for the Heart I remember the first time someone came up to me after a meeting and said, "I want to thank you for what you had to say tonight. It really hit home." I can't for the life of me remember what I had said, but I do remember looking into the eyes of the person who said this to me. Something about that look told me that I had honestly touched that individual in some way. I also remember going up to my sponsor and telling him. He said, "Now you finally understand service work." I guess I was really confused because I had always thought that setting up before a meeting or cleaning up afterwards was service work. So I asked my sponsor what he meant, and he smiled and said, " You see, serving others is about unselfishly sharing your experience, strength and hope." I thought about this for a long time. It made me more eager to openly share at meetings. So much so many different individuals had taught me, that I realized I needed to give back to the program and the people who had helped me so much. Do I give back what I have been given? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Thank You for the many heroes You have placed in my life. They have made my walk along this path of recovery so much easier. I know now that it is You who gave them the words to say that have so impacted my life. I pray this day that You guide my words so that I may give back what I have been given. Amen. |
December 13
Wisdom for Today Sometimes people ask me why they should go to meetings, and I respond, "Because you are not unique." I think this surprises them, but the truth is that Twelve Step programs work better than anything else out there. I should know. I think I tried just about everything else. I don't pretend to know what the magic is, but there is something about getting away from the self-centeredness, participating in the fellowship and relying on a Higher Power that really works. I suffered from terminal uniqueness for a long time, believing that I indeed needed a unique approach to recovery. None of them worked for me until I got into the program. Now that I have been attending meetings for a while, I truly understand what they mean when they say, "We all traveled by many roads to arrive in this spot." Each of us indeed came to the program by our own path, yet each of us arrived at the same door. Not everyone chooses to walk through that door. I have seen many people arrive at this same door, two, three or four times, only to walk away. Some of them will get another chance, and others will never make it back. Do I still believe that I can do it on my own? Meditations for the Heart As for uniqueness, there is some truth in this. We all have our own individual personalities. Each of us has our own story. What is truly amazing is that God can speak to us all in a language we understand. I have watched as God turned my life around, unraveling the problems and straightening out my path. I have watched as others come into the program, each with a set of uniquely human problems. If they stick with it, God talks to them in a language they understand; and it works for them. This is a part of the miracle that is God. With such incredible diversity of peoples attending meetings, each with their own unique set of circumstances, it still works. God is the great interpreter for each of us. He makes it possible for us to use these tools and teaches us about a program of recovery. Do I see that God, as I understand Him, means that I will understand Him? Petitions to my Higher Power God, In this day I know that You will interpret life in a way that makes it possible for me to understand. I know I have unique problems, and I am not like everyone else, but I also know that You have led me to a common meeting place to find the answers I need. Keep me in a right relationship with You, and help me to understand others so that I may help them, just as You have helped me. Amen. |
December 14
Wisdom for Today None of us is perfect. In fact, we all have personality flaws. This is the case with me. I certainly had all kinds of reasons that I sought after the high that alcohol and drugs provided for me. Each of us had our own reasons to get messed up. Perhaps we were looking for a way to escape from the realities of our lives. For some of us it is that terrible feeling inside that we just aren't any good. Maybe it was because we didn't know how to make friends or were lonely. I know I had many conflicts inside, and I could not seem to find a way to fit in. Even when I was attempting to fit in, I still felt like I was on the outside. My drinking and drugging was a symptom of my personality flaws, and it was also the cause of some of these defects of character. I stopped using all the time; my problem was that I couldn't find a way to stay sober. I couldn't until I found a way to deal with all the personality flaws that led me to drink and use. Simple abstinence was not the answer. It didn't solve anything. I had to find a new way of living. I had to find a new me. Recovery is about reshaping our lives. It is about finding our way along the path of recovery with all its twists and turns, bumps and bends. It is about change and changing some more. I'm not there yet, but I am happy with where God has led me thus far. Do I see that I am the one who needs to change? Meditations for the Heart Somewhere early in my recovery I realized that a seed had been planted in my life. A new life was growing inside of me. As that seed sprouted and grew, I continued to work the soil and see that the seed was nourished. I began to see wonderful changes occurring. I still needed to work the soil to keep the weeds from choking away this new life inside of me. I know that someday I will see the flower of this seed if I keep using the tools I have been given. But all I need worry about is today, and I really don't even have to worry about that anymore. I trust that God will take care of today for me if I let Him. Still sometimes I wonder, "Where did this seed come from in the first place? I did not plant it in my life.” For me, I have come to believe that this seed was planted the moment I really worked Step Three. I did not realize it at the time, but God went to work right away. Do I value the seed that is planted in my life? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Each day the seed in my life receives Your blessing. Sometimes this is in the form of sunshine, and at other times it is in the form of rain. Help me to realize that even when the thunderstorms of life occur, You are there to protect me and help me keep growing. Help me to grow into the flower you want me to be and stand with my brothers and sisters in recovery in the garden of life. Amen. |
December 15
Wisdom for Today All those personality flaws and character defects do not need to last forever. I have seen many addicts and alcoholics find a way to solve these problems. I have certainly seen healing and change in my life. This is a process that takes time, and some of these characteristics are more resistant to change than others. I wasn't really sure just how to go about this change, but slowly over time three things occurred that brought about tremendous change in my life. What are these three things that happened you might ask. Well, let me see if I can describe the process and then tell you what happened. First of all, I pulled myself together with a lot of help from my friends in the program. I had to be able to think straight in order to make the changes I needed to make. Where this change started was with personal honesty. I had to get honest with myself and with others. Not an easy process, but necessary if I was ever going to reclaim what I had lost - personal integrity! The second thing that occurred with the return of personal integrity was that I needed honestly to face my problems. I could no longer run from the truth. This is where the process of the Step Four inventory was so helpful. For the first time in a long time I could see where I really stood. This honest self-assessment showed me that I had strengths as well as weaknesses. Finally I could face the facts and not make excuses anymore for my behavior. This last step in the process brought me to a place of personal responsibility. Personal integrity, honest self-assessment, and personal responsibility were the things that recovery provided me and enabled changes to occur. Am I working to get these three gifts of recovery? Meditations for the Heart Why me? This is a question I have asked myself many times. I asked this when I was in trouble with my addiction to alcohol and drugs. I asked this question again early in recovery. Why me? Why did I have to get this disease? No one came to my school when I was growing up and asked me if I wanted to be an addict or an alcoholic when I grew up. I didn't volunteer for this disease saying, "Oh, please, I want to be a drunk." I asked the question again when look at all my character flaws and defects. I mean, wasn't it bad enough that I got this illness? Why did I have to suffer with these problems, too? After working with the steps for a while and finding a new sense of hope, I still asked the question, Why me? Why was I chosen to get a chance in recovery? Funny how the question changes with time! This in part is why the spiritual aspects of the program are so important. It allows God the opportunity to change the question. Do I see that I have been chosen and given a chance that many other addicts and alcoholics never get? Petitions to my Higher Power God, The path of recovery that You lead me on is not always easy. Many of the changes are hard. Still I know and trust that this is the right path and You will lead me each step of the way. Help me to work through all the issues I need to. Let me make needed changes, and grant me wisdom and courage along the way. Amen. |
December 16
Wisdom for Today “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory.” When I got to the Fourth Step and read these words, I felt lost. I really didn’t know where to begin or how to go about it; but being the good addict I was, I started by looking for the easier, softer way. I thought to myself, “What’s so hard about admitting I’m a screw up?” I thought that was all there was to it, but my sponsor told me otherwise. He began to explain the process to me, and how I would need to write out this inventory. He told me that I would have to turn over every rock and see if there was any dirt under it. He told me there were many different Fourth Step guides, but the process was essentially the same. Suddenly I was no longer lost, but I was scared. I knew there was a lot of dirt under all those rocks. My sponsor helped me decide on which Fourth Step guide I would use; and then he suggested I spend a week in prayer asking for courage, strength and guidance before I began to write out this inventory. I was glad that my sponsor knew me so well. So I began the process of getting ready to complete this inventory. Uncovering all that I wished to keep hidden was not easy. Honestly facing all that I had done while drinking and drugging was very difficult, yet at the same time it was healing. When I got into this written inventory I was surprised to see some patterns of behavior, beliefs and errors in judgment. I could see how I hurt others and myself, all the anger and rage that I was sitting on and all the losses. It was not a pretty picture. Do I see that I am only as sick as my secrets? Meditations for the Heart In reality I didn’t want to do this inventory, but I knew that it needed to be done. Everything inside of me wanted nothing to do with this process. However, it was not up to me to decide this. I had to follow what my Higher Power’s will directed me to do. Just like a child who hasn’t cleaned his room and is made to clean it up, I knew my Higher Power expected me to clean house. In that week before I began to work on this inventory, I also found that my Higher Power would give me what I needed to help me through the process. It continues to amaze me that I rarely get what I want, but always get what I need. What surprised me even more was how I felt when I turned around and saw that my room was all picked up. Do I believe that my Higher Power will give me what I need? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Taking inventory is not an easy process and is something that I would prefer not to do. Nobody likes to clean up a mess, especially me. Still I know that this is what You want me to do. So I ask You this day to remove any fear I may have. I ask You to help me to uncover all the secrets that keep me sick. Give me courage so that I might be responsible and clean every room, even the closets in my house. Amen. |
December 17
Wisdom for Today I once heard a story of a man who was down on his hands and knees in the grass outside of his house. A neighbor walked by and asked him what he was doing. The man replied, “Searching for my keys.” So the neighbor got down on his hands and knees and helped the man search for the keys. After several minutes the neighbor asked, “Are you sure this is where you dropped your keys?” The man replied, “No, I lost them in the house.” The neighbor looking shocked said, “Then why are we looking for them out here?” The man looked up and stated, “Because the light is better out here.” The man was correct. The light was better, but there was no way he would find his keys. In the Fourth Step we are asked to be searching. We have two choices. We can look for things in places where we have no chance of finding what we are looking for, or we can go back inside our house and turn the lights on. It is easy to complete Step Four if we look in all the wrong places; it is more difficult to really look and search where we need to. I know that the best way is to look back over our past and examine our behavior, our motives, and look at the emotions that prompted our responses. I know it is hard to clean house, especially the closets that we keep our secrets in, yet this is what we need to do if we are to examine our moral thinking and behavior. Am I willing to really clean house and be searching? Meditations for the Heart God is our flashlight and shines brightly for us when we do this inventory. It is hard to look for things in the dark because we all have a tendency to fear what lurks or hides in the dark. Most of us have experienced this fear of the dark at some point in our life. The heart can play all kinds of tricks on us when we are in the dark; yet when the light is turned on, the fear disappears. The moment the light is turned on we feel reassured and safe. The same is true when we use God as our flashlight when doing this inventory. I know this does not make it easier to look at the dirt in our lives, but it does allow us to look at it and not be frightened or overwhelmed. Much of my Fourth Step work was very difficult and unpleasant, yet with God as my flashlight I was not afraid. Do I know that I need to carry the flashlight of God with me when I do my Fourth Step? Petitions to my Higher Power God, There is so much darkness in my life as an addict and alcoholic. Opening up the closets and seeing the mess inside and dirt that has accumulated over the years is not pleasant. Help me by shining brightly for me as I go about the task of cleaning house. Let me not be afraid of shining Your light on my life. Amen. |
December 18
Wisdom for Today "A searching and fearless moral inventory..." These are the instructions given us in Step Four, but that word "moral" troubled me. Just what was meant by this word? I guess I struggled with the meaning of this word because I had never thought of myself as moral. In fact, I needed to look up the meaning of this word in a dictionary because I had no concept of what was meant by moral. What I discovered was that morals are guiding principles of right and wrong. In my active addiction I guess I just didn't care if I was moral or not. What this step was asking me to look at was what was right and what was wrong with the principles of my life. Finding what was wrong was going to be easy because there was so much wrong. The principle that guided my life in addiction was that of self-centeredness. Everything was about me. I did everything the way I wanted. It didn't matter whom I stepped on or how I accomplished the task of self-pleasure. I turned my life over to the care of alcohol and drugs. I watched them slowly destroy anything of value in my life. At least that is what I thought, but this step did not allow me to stop there. I also had to look for what was right in my life. This was the hard part, I judged myself so severely. But in searching through the rubble of my life, I did find that I indeed had some redeeming qualities. There was good in me after all. I did do some things right. Buried deep inside was another principle that guided me to do that which was right. It was buried so deep I had a hard time finding it. I had lost touch with the force in my life that guided my conscious to do what was good and right. Am I looking for both the right and wrong in my life? Meditations for the Heart Looking back at my life, it is easy to see that God was always there for me. He managed to protect me from the insanity of my illness and did not allow me to totally destroy my life. Even though there were times that I should have been dead, God kept me breathing. He saw the good that was buried under the rubble and saw in me what I could not see in myself. It was an act of grace that this occurred. I did nothing to deserve this grace, yet I was given another chance. Today I try to seek after God's will for me. I know this is what is right for me; and it is the principle I use to guide my decisions, my behavior, and my desires. I am nowhere near perfect and still fall on my face at times. The good news is that God is still there to pick me up and redirect me. Recovery is not about being perfect, but about the pursuit of progress. What are the principles that I am using to guide my life today? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Today I do have a sense of what is right and what is wrong. Help me to develop my moral convictions to seek after Your will for me. Provide me with the power to carry out Your will. Let me seek out that which is healthy for me physically, emotionally and spiritually as I walk through this day. Amen. |
December 19
Wisdom for Today One thing that surprised me with regards to completing my Fourth Step was the fact that I strengthened my faith. In Step Three, I had made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood Him. I trusted and had faith that my Higher Power would be able to walk me through the process of completing an inventory of myself. I did not expect that this process would actually strengthen my faith in God. I am certain that without my Higher Power leading me through the process, my fears would have taken over; and I would have been only willing to clean house superficially. As a child I loved to climb trees. I would climb higher and higher until the branches were too thin to support my weight. Each time I would go higher in the tree, I trusted that the branches would support me, but eventually I would reach a point when I was unsure if the next branch would hold me. I found the opposite was true in doing my Fourth Step. It was as if the tree branches never got thinner. In fact the deeper I got into uncovering the truth, the more stable the branches became. I am not saying it was easy to uncover some of the secrets in my life, I just knew I was safe in doing so. Do I have faith that God is with me to support me in completing my Fourth Step? Meditations for the Heart Early in my recovery process, it was important for me to feel safe. I knew there were places and people I needed to avoid because my safety would be compromised. I also knew there were places and people I could associate with because it was safe. Meetings and recovering people helped make me feel safe, at least from the external pressures I felt. As I surrendered my life to the care of Higher Power and walked through the steps, I found that I began to feel safe on the inside as well. This did not mean that I was immune to relapse or that I had been cured. It just meant that as long as I did what God wanted for me, my safety would not be compromised. It is important to find safety in the recovery process, but even more important to keep it once it is found. Do I seek safety in meetings and with others in recovery? Do I seek safety in a spiritual way? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Thank You for keeping me safe as I walk through the steps. I know that the support I receive from others is a gift from You. Thank You for leading me to these people. You have taken me from a place of insecurity to a place of safety. Let me trust that as long as I walk with You, I will remain safe. Amen. |
December 20
Wisdom for Today As I went through the process of completing my Fourth Step, I found my heart very unsettled. A lot of different emotions spun around on the inside. I found myself becoming very angry at this disease and how it had ruined my life. I found myself disgusted with who and what I had become. I found that tears started to flow freely as the sadness of all the losses I had experienced were finally realized. I hurt for my family and what I had done to them. I felt overwhelmed at times by all of these different emotions that surfaced and were frozen deep inside me. My denial had enabled me not to look at myself. There was an incredible sense of shame that seemed to blanket me. Yet there was this small voice inside of me that said, “Do not be afraid!” As troubling as all this was, I knew that it was stuff I needed not only to face, but also to take ownership of it. Something told me that this was the road I needed to take to find my way out. Looking back, I now understand that my Higher Power was taking care of me in the process. Even though there were many parts of my life that I did not enjoy seeing, I was never given more than I could handle. Most of these unpleasant emotions would have given me every reason to drink or use in the past, but the thought of using never entered my mind. What did enter my mind was a desire to stop the insanity and rebuild my life. Do I understand how important it is to have the support of others in program and faith in my Higher Power, so that I can complete Step Four? Meditations for the Heart Pride shuts and locks the door to an open relationship with God. There are two keys that can be used to open this door, both the regular lock and the deadbolt. The first key is humility. When we swallow our pride and admit that we are not God and humbly ask for help and guidance, we turn the first key to unlocking the door. The second key to unlock the deadbolt is obedience. When we choose to follow the directions we are given in recovery and stop insisting that we can do it our way, the key is turned to unlock the door. When we find this humility and become obedient to the will of our Higher Power, the door opens to realizing God’s love for us. We find peace, and we find joy in recovery. This spiritual concept is an essential stone in the foundation of recovery, and without a strong foundation our house will not stand. Am I building a solid foundation? Petitions to My Higher Power God, Let me turn to You this day in humility and obedience, asking for direction and guidance. Let me know and experience Your love and joy in recovery. Let me find courage and willingness in my walk with You today. Help me build a solid foundation, so that this house of recovery may stand strong. Amen. |
December 21
Wisdom for Today In the world of addiction I became a slave. I sold my own soul into captivity. There I was, chained up in the bowels of a ship, journeying into the world of self-destruction. Day after day passed, and I continued to live in bondage to my alcohol and drugs. I was not alone, for there were other slaves there in the belly of the ship. I watched as one after another was beaten. I, too, was beaten. I watched, and I saw the destruction of this disease take away all that was important to me. I watched as others died. I feared for my own life. I look back and am amazed that somehow I was freed. The chains of addiction were loosened, and I was able to get a second chance in life. There is no doubt that I was scarred by the trauma of slavery. Just because I was freed did not mean that I was able to function normally. It would take some time for that to occur. The scars of my disease, those character defects, needed time to heal; but like all serious scars, a mark remains. I no longer bleed dishonesty, grandiosity, fear, unrealistic expectations, carelessness or self-centeredness. But each of these personality flaws is still a part of me, just like the marks left by a serious wound. So, I need to be on watch to make sure that these defects do not begin to ooze again. If and when they do, I must again do the things necessary to stop these defects from infecting my life again. I must ask for help from God and from my friends in recovery again and again to find the needed healing. Do I watch for my character defects to re-emerge? Meditations for the Heart Standing watch requires self-discipline. I need to be on guard and not fall asleep on my watch. I cannot afford to fall prey to a sneak attack or yield one point of what I have gained. Hatred, resentment, pride, lust, jealousy are but a few of the armies that can attack my camp. I need to remain a good soldier with self-discipline to stay alert. When I do see an attacker, I must sound the alarm by telling on my disease. By telling on my disease and by trusting my army for help, I can defeat any attacker. I cannot fight these battles on my own. I need help from my Higher Power and my support system. I must talk with my sponsor and at meetings and in prayer to find the best method to defeat these attackers. Am I working at self-discipline and remaining alert? Petitions to My Higher Power God, Today I will stand watch for my character defects that come back to attack me again. Help me to be a good soldier with self-discipline and to remain alert. Let me sound the alarm if it is needed, and prevent me from selling my soul back into slavery. Amen. |
December 22
Wisdom for Today Much like the slaves that were brought over to this country in the belly of a ship, when I walked into the doors of the Twelve Step program, I felt like I was in a different world. I was confused and scared. My brain was still cloudy from my last binge, and I didn't know what to expect. However, unlike the slaves when I got off the boat, I was free. This new freedom terrified me. I really didn't know what to expect, and I didn't really believe that I was free. I learned quickly though that with freedom also came responsibility. There was much work to be done if I was to survive in this new world. I had to learn a new language, and I had to figure out what the rules were. Fortunately these rules were well established and written out. At the beginning of that first meeting, I heard words being read from a book, "Rarely have we seen a person fail, who has thoroughly followed our path." Where was this path and would the journey be difficult? I had no idea. I just knew it had to be better than being chained up in that slave ship of addiction. Each step I took along the way was not easy, just simple. I mean it was not complicated. First, I had to admit that I had been a slave to addiction and didn't know how to live in freedom. Then I had to believe that the path indeed leads to a better place, a place where my brain would no longer be cloudy; and I would be able to live in freedom responsibly. Next I had to agree to stick close to the guide who would lead the way and to agree to follow His every instruction if I wanted to get to this better place safely. This path was not easy, and I even saw some people turn around and go back to the ship wanting to be back in the chains, because it was familiar and known. Do I want to go back, or am I willing to continue the journey? Meditations for the Heart Arriving at Step Four, the path looked treacherous. I was not sure I wanted to continue, and I knew I didn't want to go back. I looked to my guide for help. He told me to move slowly along this part of the path and to look closely at the pitfalls along the way. I could see farther up the trail that there were others who had successfully made it and negotiated this part of the journey. The look on their faces told me it was not easy, but it was worth it. So I trusted my guide and moved carefully through the difficult path. As I moved through this part of the journey, I learned that all that depressed me, all that I feared and all that I was ashamed of were powerless to harm me as long as I followed my guide. Am I ready to follow my spiritual guide to a better place? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Thank You for being my guide. Grant me courage in the difficult parts of this journey, and let me pass safely through this difficult path. Let me always look forward and not look back. Help me to take each step. Amen. |
December 23
Wisdom for Today Forgiveness is a difficult spiritual concept; yet it is essential to understand this concept to grasp the full meaning behind Step Five. As a young boy I would attend church each Sunday with my family. I learned of religious practices such as confession and absolution, but I really did not understand this spiritual concept of forgiveness. So here I was years later cloaked in a heavy blanket of shame, walking into a meeting with a recovering pastor to talk about doing my Fifth Step. I was about to tell God all that I had done wrong. I would admit this to myself and to another human being. My heart raced, and I am sure I was sweating even though it was quite cold outside. How was I to tell God that I had fallen short? How was I to look at this person I was meeting with in the eye? The thought of forgiveness never entered my mind. I walked into the office and felt much like I did when I had been sent to the principal’s office or when I stood before the judge. My breathing was heavy, and I stared at the floor. The church secretary told me it would a few minutes. I sat down, but wanted to run. This was when I remembered these words from the Bible, “Fear not.” Fear indeed was trying to take control in my life in that moment; and so I took a deep breath and said to my Higher Power, “Walk with me and give me strength.” Do I trust that God will indeed give me strength in my journey? Meditations for the Heart I wanted very much to be unburdened of that blanket of shame. I wanted to make the world a better place and happier, because I was in it. I wanted very much for the pain to go away, but I had no idea how to make this happen. But all this would change in the hours that followed; for I learned much about the role I had been playing as prosecutor, judge and jury in the coming hours. I would learn much about the concept of forgiveness – a forgiveness that was freely given to me by God and forgiveness I could grant myself. I would learn much about “not shutting the door on the past and not regretting the past.” I would learn about wiping the slate clean and getting a fresh start. I gained a new appreciation of the statement, “but for the grace of God.” Do I see that admitting my wrongs to God, myself and another human being is the place that forgiveness begins? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I need Your grace in my life. I know that I cannot earn this; for it a gift – a gift that You provide to me each day anew. It is a gift that indeed wipes the slate clean and gives me a new chance at life! Help me to accept this gift with a humble heart and to treasure what it means for me each and every day. Amen. |
December 24
Wisdom for Today There is a saying that goes, "All good gifts come to those who wait." Well, waiting was not something that I was very good at; in fact, I was rather impatient. I can remember growing up as a child and being all excited because Christmas or my birthday was just around the corner. I knew that with these special days I would receive gifts. I was so anxious for the time to arrive that I couldn't wait. I was impatient. Between my impatience and anxiety, I would become irritable and often times would pick a fight with my brothers. In early recovery I was not much different. I continued to want what I wanted, and I wanted it right now. I completed my Fourth Step and wanted some instant reward, but there was none. I didn't want to wait. I found myself clean and sober, yet still anxious and impatient. I had even listed these things in my Fourth Step. Why didn't they just go away? I found myself getting crabby at meetings and even wanting to pick fights with my sponsor. Wasn't it enough that I completed this inventory? I didn't really understand about what I was becoming angry. At a meeting one night, I was sitting there irritated. I was impatient. The topic for the meeting that night was patience. I sat and didn't even want to listen to what was being said. It came to my turn to talk, and I proceeded to tell everyone how bad my day was going. I whined and complained. Then after I had finished talking, an older and much wiser member of the fellowship looked at me and said, "It sounds like God has given you lots of opportunities to practice patience today." I wanted to get up and walk out of the meeting at that point. After the meeting ended, I talked to my sponsor, and he said, "Gifts come in all types of packages. We do not always see the gifts we receive." I thought about it, and he was right. God was giving me the opportunity to work on my defects. Today I am grateful to have been given such a wonderful gift. Do I see that many of the struggles I have are also opportunities and gifts? Meditations for the Heart Sometimes I find that it is important to look at things from a different angle to gain perspective. To see things more clearly, I find it helpful sometimes to imagine what the situation looks like from God's perspective. What I have discovered is that each and every need I have is an opportunity for my Higher Power. When I look at things this way, life looks very different. I can look at my needs and admit that often times I am powerless to meet them. I can turn to my Higher Power and ask for help. I then need to have faith that My Higher Power indeed will find a way to satisfy my needs. God then takes advantage of this opportunity. He provides me with ways to meet my needs. These are not always what I would expect them to be. Just as He provided me with opportunities to practice patience to learn more about my impatience, He also provides me with answers, resources and feedback from friends in the program to aid in my learning. Recovery is all about learning to live again. Do I look at things differently now? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Give me wisdom and insight into all the ways that You gift me with opportunities for growth. Help me to take advantage of each of these opportunities, so that I might learn new ways to live life to it's fullest. Help me to find things each day for which to be grateful, and help me to give credit where credit is due. Amen. |
December 25
Wisdom for Today Many of us will be celebrating today. Exchanging gifts, spending time with family, etc. is a good time for most. As addicts and alcoholics, we often remember when Christmas was not always a time to celebrate. Then we walked into the day with guilt and remorse or sadness. Today is indeed a day to celebrate, for we have been given the wonderful gift of sobriety. It is a day when we can be especially grateful. Although this gift does not come all wrapped up with ribbons and bows, it certainly is the most precious gift an addict can have, for without sobriety we have nothing. Take time to acknowledge this gift today, and look to your Higher Power with gratitude. For some of us the holidays are not always easy. Memories can be painful. For some of us the holidays mean interacting with family, which can trigger all kinds of emotions and struggles even in recovery. Still we need to focus on the gift we have received. I find that asking myself what God wants me to do with this gift helps me even through any holiday struggles. Today I believe He just wants me to be the best person I can be regardless of my circumstances. I also believe He wants me to look for His peace and joy in this day. Do I treasure the gift that I am given this day? Meditations for the Heart Today is a day to experience God's heaven here on earth. With each smiling face and glimmering light in this day, I can experience joy. With each quiet moment and each deep thought I can experience peace. All that is around me may hustle and bustle with the excitement of the day, but I can carry this peace and joy inside of me. I can know God's closeness to me and rest in His arms today. I can feel His comfort in my heart as I walk through this day. This day in many ways is just like any other in recovery. Yes, there may be all the glitter and glitz and the fancy packages, but this day I am gifted with sobriety just like all the other twenty-four hours I am given. Yet it is also different because it is a holiday. So today I will be conscious of each breath I am given and seek out the inner peace and joy in my heart. Do I seek after joy and peace in my recovery? Petitions to my Higher Power God, You give me only one day at a time. For this I am grateful. Help me to make this a joyful holiday and to know Your peace. Walk through this day with me, and guide me away from the pitfalls or struggles I may encounter without Your help. Let me rest in Your arms this day. Amen. |
December 26
Wisdom for Today "Admitted to God, ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." These words in Step Five made my very insides groan. To honestly say out loud the words so carefully written in Step Four and admit to God, myself and someone else who and what I was and what I had done and not done was a task I thought too great. Yet I knew that this step had been written for a reason. So many that had gone before me had stated that they had found a new freedom in this step. So why was I so petrified by this task? The reality was that shame had me in its grasp. I stood broken and damaged and had no desire to complete this step. I pondered for many days what the wisdom was behind this step and continued to be paralyzed. I could not even call the person that my sponsor suggested to me to arrange a meeting to discuss doing my Fifth Step. I didn't even want to talk to my sponsor about this. I went to a meeting I normally didn't attend hoping to find a way out. The chair of the meeting went through all of the opening rituals and then introduced the topic for the evening. He said, "Tonight I think we should talk about forgiveness." He went on to talk about his Fifth Step and how it had not only opened his eyes to the work he needed to do about his defects of character, but also how it opened the door to forgiving himself for all the wrongs he had committed. I was astounded. How was it that in this meeting I so rarely attended that this was the topic of the evening? God works in mysterious ways. The longer I stay clean and sober, the more I am convinced that there is no such thing as coincidence. Do I see how God works in and through the program? Meditations for the Heart Forgiveness was something I had heard about a lot in church growing up, but it was something that I really didn't understand. It was clear to me that this was a spiritual concept I needed to learn more about. Perhaps this is why my sponsor had suggested I talk with a recovering pastor to do my Fifth Step. At any rate the next day after this meeting, I made a phone call to schedule a meeting; and indeed in the following weeks I did learn much about this spiritual concept. I also learned why it was not only important but necessary to keep my Higher Power in the center of my life. It was about balance. I had gotten so out of balance spiritually because of my addiction. Now I had to learn about balance. Do I understand the necessity of keeping my Higher Power in the center of my life? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Standing before You has not always been easy. Too often I have wanted to run and hide because of my shame. I understand why it is so important to keep You in the center of my life. If I do not trust You, whom can I trust? Walk with me this day and give me the willingness I need to live as You want me to live. Guide me each step of the way. Amen. |
December 27
Wisdom for Today While forgiveness does indeed wipe the slate clean, it cannot undo the consequences of our actions. In completing my Fifth Step, I had to accept the fact that my actions while under the influence had certainly hurt a lot of different people including myself. Most of this hurt was not intentional. It simply was a consequence of my disease. When the drugs and alcohol were making my decisions for me, I said and did things I wish I hadn’t. Even during the brief periods of time when I was not using, I said and did things of which I was not proud. I would have to pick up the pieces of my brokenness. I had indeed made a lot of mistakes and wronged many people. My Higher Power knew this. I knew this, and now another person also knew this. It is God who in His grace provides grace and forgiveness. I also needed to learn how to forgive myself. This began with working on accepting myself – the good, the bad and the ugly. It also was made possible by accepting that much of what occurred in my life was not by conscious choice. My addiction had made choices for me, choices that I would not have made if I were in my right mind. I also began to do repair work on the damage done. Perhaps what helped me most was to seek permission to forgive myself through prayer and meditation. Self-forgiveness is a process and not an event; it takes time. Have I forgiven myself? Meditations for the Heart There is an ancient myth about a bird of fire that rises from the ashes. The Phoenix was given new life. I likewise was given a new life in recovery. If I was going to rise from the ashes of my life, I needed to learn to forgive myself. The days of self-hatred, disgust and shame had to end. These attitudes needed to die. I needed to arise from the ashes of my life with a willingness to be obedient to my Higher Power’s will and live a life of service and integrity. While I do not do this perfectly, and none of us can, I do strive for progress. Much like the Phoenix , I have experienced a resurrection and been given a new chance on life. Am I using this new chance on life to serve others and seek integrity in all that I do? Petitions to my Higher Power God, Help me this day to seek after Your will and be willing to do that which is the right thing. Let me seek to follow Your direction in all that do. Let me this day find acceptance of who I am, Your forgiven child. Let me reach out to others in humble service. Amen. |
December 28
Wisdom for Today “At some of these we balked.” This line in the AA Big Book certainly described my feelings about doing a Fifth Step. I was like many addicts and alcoholics; I just wanted to find an easier, softer way. I mean after all, God already knew everything I had done wrong. Why did I have to talk to another human being about all the “yuk” in my Fourth Step? I was reluctant to discuss my shortcomings with someone else. I figured that as long as I was clean and sober and pointed my life in a new direction, I really didn’t have to talk with anyone else. But when I got honest with myself about the reason why I was balking about completing this step, it became clearer to me why I indeed needed to follow through. The reality was that I was guilt-ridden, ashamed and afraid. I was depressed. I knew these feelings would not go away on their own. I also knew enough about the program to know that I probably wasn’t the first addict or alcoholic to feel this way. I needed to trust that this step was a part of the process for a reason. I needed to trust that somehow this step would help me. I began to realize my need for others and that I would never get out of the isolation without carrying out this step, nor would I ever be able forever to hide the secrets. I knew the burdens I felt would never be lifted without completing this step. Do I trust the program works to relieve burdens? Meditations for the Heart Life certainly has its ups and downs; sometimes it can even spin around. I have learned the only healthy way to deal with this is to stay calm in the storm. Not something I was particularly good at when I was drinking and using! But the spiritual aspects and principles of the program can teach you to find this inner calm. I find that I can find that inner calm best when I spend time, even a few minutes, in quiet communion with my Higher Power. When I walk through the storms of life with this inner calm, I find I can get more accomplished. I find that worry does not enter into the picture. I find it easier to “stay in today.” I am no good to others or myself when I get agitated, stressed out, angry or overwhelmed. I need to seek this inner calm in all that I do. Do I seek an inner calmness and things that are true and good for me? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I know that I need to bring my burdens to You. Help me to be free to share these burdens with others also, so that I do not have to shoulder the load by myself. Teach me to seek after an inner calmness and to be true and good in all that I do this day. Give me courage to weather the storms of life, and help me to know that the sunny days of life do follow. Amen. |
December 29
Wisdom for Today When I looked at my life and sat down to tell someone else about the exact nature of my wrongs, I saw that there were very few major things that I had done wrong. But the list of little things that I had done wrong seemed endless. It was all these little things that really added up to the nature of my problems. I didn’t just tell one lie; there were hundreds of them. Each one, in and of itself, didn’t seem so bad; but the accumulated effect had been profound. I wasn’t self-centered on just one occasion, nor did I let fear run my life just once. Each and every defect in my character was pervasive. It had been all these little things that had been so damaging. In the same way, it has not been one huge event that provided me with a spiritual awakening. Lightning did not strike, and there has not been a bright light that suddenly came into my life. It has been all the little things that have really turned my life around. This is not to downplay what I have learned through crisis situations I have faced in recovery, because these tests have provided much learning as well. But it has been the little things – each time I tell the truth, each time I am of service to others, each time I have courage in the face of fear and many other events that have turned my life into something wonderful. Do I live in the moment from decision to decision looking to improve on the little things? Meditations for the Heart I used to believe in coincidence; but the longer I stay clean and sober, the more I believe that God has a plan for me. There are literally dozens and dozens of experiences I have had in recovery that I cannot simply write off as coincidence. I have listened to story after story of others in recovery that make me believe there is a Divine Spirit, who lives in those who are willing to have faith. I personally believe that the evidence of a spiritual existence is all around us. All we need do is open our eyes. Last night I listened to another alcoholic talk of one such burning bush experience. Much had gone awry in his life despite 1-1/2 years of clean time. He finally was ready to give up and walked into a bar to order a drink. He was dumbfounded when he looked and saw the bartender was a member of his home group. He talked with the bartender and chose not to relapse. Do I see evidence of Divine intervention in my life? Do I look for it in what I do every day? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I have never been good at details of life. I am one who enjoys the forest but rarely takes the time to look at an individual tree. Help me to enjoy the beauty in the little things in life. Help me to trust that all of these little things add up to a life that I can be happy with. Help me to look for the artwork You complete each and every day of my life. Amen. |
December 30
Wisdom for Today Life is full of surprises. I never know what life has in store for me on any given day. There are days that life is difficult and filled with struggle. There are days that are filled with joy and happiness. There are days when I find fear creeping back into my life. There are days that do not seem special, and others that are turning points for me in my search for serenity. Regardless of what life brings my way, it is important for me to start each day the same way. Each day when I arise, I take some quiet time to center myself and focus on what God wants me to do. It has proven to be one of the most valuable steps I take to protect my recovery. When I focus on God’s will rather than my own will, I remove myself from the equation. What I mean is this: “The journey of my day + my will = potential for, if not, certain trouble,” versus, “The journey of my day + God’s will = a positive outcome.” When I put God’s will for me in the equation, I do not need to worry about the surprises life might bring. I know that God will guide me in the right direction and give me what I need to make it through any struggle. Do I put my will in the equation of life still? Meditations for the Heart Beginning my day with quiet time also provides me with a daily opportunity to ask for help. That has also been a good habit for me to get into. In accepting my limitations and acknowledging my on-going need for help, I practice humility. My sponsor always told me to practice the principles. For a long time I did not know what he meant, but was afraid to ask. In truth, I was not really afraid to ask, but afraid of the answer I might get. Finally I did ask, and he looked at me and said; “Now I know why they put the last ‘S’ in the AA acronym, K-I-S-S.” It took me a little while to figure out he meant I was being stupid. He went on to say, “There is a big difference between reading a recipe and going out, buying the ingredients, putting them together in the correct measure and baking it. Practice means putting it into action.” Do I practice what I need to do each day? Petitions to my Higher Power God, This is a new day, and I do not yet know where the path will lead. Help me this day to start this journey with You by my side. Walk with me, and supply me with Your guidance along the way. Help me to know that You are always near. Amen. |
December 31
Wisdom for Today Admitting to God that indeed I had done much wrong in my life was no easy task. I had to get past this concept that God was a punishing God. I had learned this concept growing up. I could not get all those Bible stories out of my head where people were punished for the wrongs they had done. I was fearful that I also would be punished. Then the recovering pastor I was to do my Fifth Step with spoke up. I guess he could see the fear in my eyes. He suggested that we begin with a prayer. I figured fire and brimstone would likely follow. But I was wrong. The prayer that was spoken was a Third Step prayer. It reminded me that I had made a decision to turn over my will and my life to the "care" of my Higher Power. “Turn it over to His care” – these words rang loudly in my ears as the pastor continued to pray. I am not sure that I heard anything else that he said. All I remember was a period of silence that followed the prayer. I looked up from the floor, took a deep breath and began to speak. Amazingly the words flowed from my mouth as I began to recount my past and what I had learned about myself in completing my Fourth Step. Do I trust that God will show me His care when I need it most? Meditations for the Heart In the presence of my Higher Power I can find safety, and I can find security. I used to turn to alcohol and drugs to cover up my insecurity. I never felt comfortable even in my own skin. It seemed as though I was always anxious. Yet in recovery I have discovered a new place to feel secure. I often times imagine myself walking down a path with God at my side. I believe that this is what the journey in recovery is all about. What is even more exciting is that God not only walks beside me, but also behind me and in front of me. He watches over me each step of the way. Have I found a safe place in the presence of God? Petitions to my Higher Power God, I place my life in Your care. I know that You will walk with me on this journey called recovery. Give me courage to always walk with You. Let me seek out Your will for me this day, and grant me the power and strength I need to follow Your will. Let me know true security in and with You. Amen. |
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