From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 5 ----
Life is not made up of yesterdays only.
Carl Jung

Newcomer
I heard a bunch of jargon at the meeting I went to last night. I didn’t understand any of it. What does “ninety in ninety” mean?

Sponsor
I can understand your bewilderment at unfamiliar program phrases and customs. In the beginning, it may feel as if we’re participating in a culture that’s new to us. I’m glad I can help, and if I’m not here to translate, almost anyone you see at a meeting would be happy to explain unfamiliar expressions.

“Ninety in ninety” is an abbreviated way of saying, “Go to ninety meetings in ninety day.” One of the strongest suggestions this program makes to newcomers is to attend a meeting every day for at least the first three months. Intermittent attendance, a few meetings here or there, won’t provide enough information about whether we belong here or not. Ninety days of meetings can make it clear.

At first, it may sound like a lot. But when we think of the time we have given to our addiction—pursuing it, trying to control it, acting on it, feeling sick and guilty about it—then an hour or an hour and a half doesn’t seem like too much of a commitment. Meetings create a sense of belonging to a community and a solid basis of support over time. It’s such a good use of time; and hour in a room with my peers gives me a reserve of strength and hope for an entire day.

Today, I am part of a community of people in recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 6 ----
It’s not what you were, it’s what you are today.

Newcomer
I get the general idea of “ninety meeting in ninety days.” But aren’t there any exceptions? Some days, like on the weekends, I have time to go to more than one, but later in the week, when I’m exhausted from work, I’d sometimes rather go to a movie or go to bed early.


Sponsor
No one takes attendance; no one expects perfection. But why deprive yourself? In this program, we stay away from addiction a day at a time. At the beginning of recovery, especially if we’re going through a process of detoxification, twenty-four hours can seem endless. Going through a whole day of early recovery on our own may be bewildering and anxiety-producing. Why “white-knuckle it” when help is available at a meeting?

Anticipating a meeting at the lunch hour or at the end of a workday gives me a kind of safety net. Knowing throughout the day that I’m headed for a place where recovery is the top priority can help me through hard moments—I anticipate the meeting, instead of my preferred drug or compulsive behavior. Some of us prefer to begin the day with an early-morning meeting that helps us face the hours ahead calmly.

Each new day offers us new challenges, new opportunities for our addictions to flex their muscles. Going to a meeting can strengthen our spirits and help ensure our continuing recovery.

Today, I further my recovery by going to a meeting.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 10 ----
The war is over.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
I’m trying to understand the First Step, and I’m really stuck on the word “powerless.” I’m not weak; I don’t want to be called powerless. It really insults my intelligence.

Sponsor
Let’s take a look at this part of the First Step together. It doesn’t simply say, “We admitted we were powerless.” Far from it. It says that we were powerless over something. We recognized that a specific substance or behavior had proved stronger than our determination not to consume it or engage in it. Choosing recovery does not mean that we are weak, but it does offer us an opportunity to surrender. Accepting the truth that we have an addiction is an easier way for us to change our addictive behavior than continuously fighting with it. When I resist, my enemy just seems to get stronger. So instead, I accept that there are some things I can’t control. That acceptance becomes a source of enormous power.

Today, I empty my hands and let go of my weapons.
I admit that addiction has played a role in my life.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 11 ----
May you live all the days of your life.
JONATHAN SWIFT

Newcomer
I’m confused about the wording of the second part of the First Step. When people say, “My life had become unmanageable,” they don’t all seem to mean the same thing. For some it’s a big deal if they have a messy house or unpaid bills; another person says he has lost everything, but seems totally calm about it. I don’t know if my life is unmanageable or not. Just what is “unmanageability”?


Sponsor
People who manage offices, theaters, restaurants, classrooms—you name it—are responsible for lots of planning and decision making. Periodically, they have to reevaluate. They may ask, “What results did we get from taking the actions we took? What can we do more effectively?” Managing our live is similar. Life used to just happen to me; I reacted to events, often feeling like a victim. When I acted on impulse, then looked for reason for what I’d done, I wasn’t managing anything. Today, I can see the range of choices available to me, now that my life isn’t dedicated to serving my addiction. In recovery, we’re responsible for finding out how we want to live, where, and with whom—what our true preferences are. Our disease made our lives unmanageable, but we are no longer victims when we take back the responsibility for our decisions in recovery.


Today, I am free to make decisions that help
bring about the life I want for myself.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 12 ----
Let the counsel of thine own heart stand.
APOCRYPHA

Newcomer

I’ve told one or two old friends that I’ve started going to meeting of a Twelve Step Program. One of them is very dubious about it. When I talked about being a addicted, she said she’d never thought of me as having a serious problem. Maybe she’s right—she’s known me for a long time.

Sponsor
It’s ultimately our own deep discomfort that tells us we have a problem. Our friends, our families, and even our doctors may have told us that they want us to get help—or they may have said that they don’t believe we have a serious problem. Do they know the whole truth about us? We may have hidden our addiction from them. They may not be adequately informed about what addiction is. Or they themselves may be in denial, on order not to have to look at their own relationship to addiction.

Friends who aren’t facing a life-and-death disease may not understand that what I’m doing her is saving my life. They may think that I’m exaggerating my problem or that I’m simply caught up in a trend. Such opinions appeal to me at times, when I’d rather not have to face what I know to be true in the depths of my being.

We can’t let others “vote” on our decision to enter recovery—it’s up to us to know our own truth and respect it.

Today, I won my need for recovery.
I don’t argue about it, with myself or with others.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 13 ----
The day is a gift of the universe.

KATHLEEN CULVER

Newcomer
I don’t want to disappoint the people who count on me, but I’m afraid to promise that I’ll stick to this recovery stuff forever. I don’t know if I can do it. Frankly, I feel suffocated by the idea of never using anything ever again, of going to meetings for years—I can’t imagine spending my whole life in recovery.


Sponsor
The span of a whole life is impossible to imagine. We have no idea how long we’re going to live, what unforeseen things will take place in our lifetime, or even how a small choice we make today may in some way change the person we grow to be tomorrow. If I try to imagine doing anything “forever” or “for my whole life,” I’m overwhelmed. Fortunately, no one here is asking me to promise that. The program suggests only that we get through one day—today—without using an addictive substance. Yesterday is over. Tomorrow is not here yet. My whole life is now, and now is all that need concern me. Sometimes even a twenty-four-hour period feels overwhelming, so I break it down into hours and go through the day an hour at a time. Some day I’ve even had to think in term of just one minute at a time. Using substances we’re addicted to comes naturally to us; a day in which we choose recovery instead is a highly successful day.


I let go of yesterday and tomorrow. I choose recovery for today.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 14 ----
The truth can be spoken only by someone
who already lives inside it.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN

Newcomer

Some of the expressions people use to talk about recovery sounds sickeningly sweet to me. On my first day, someone I’d never seen before said to me, “Welcome to our fellowship.” It makes my skin crawl when they say that kind of thing. And all those slogans! They make me wonder if people in recovery can think for themselves.

Sponsor

I can identify with you. In early recovery, I felt uncomfortable when people reached out to me. I had been impatient and cynical for a long time; I was suspicious of positive statements and looked down on people who made them. My habit of finding fault came in hand when somebody challenged my old ways of thinking. It was easier to criticize others than to look at myself.

It’s funny: when I was active in my addiction, I rarely complained of how tedious and repetitive my life had become. I had surrounded myself with people who enabled my addiction. I must have sounded like a broken record as I justified my addiction in spite of the consequences. Today, my focus is no longer on likes and dislikes. Instead of dismissing people without really looking or listening, I can go deeper and see what’s true for me in whatever they are saying.

In recovery, free of the need to make snap judgments, we can begin to listen in a new way.

Today, I listen without judging. I cultivate
respect and tenderness for others and for myself.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 15 ----
Very little is needed to make a happy life.
MARCUS AURELIUS ANTONINUS

Newcomer
I’m having a horrible day. I have way too much to do. This morning I felt overwhelmed, but I went to a meeting as you told me to. Instead of making me feel better, the meeting made me feel worse: I got upset at what someone shared and started to cry. Now I have a headache and I can’t concentrate on what I was supposed to do. How will I ever get this stuff done?

Sponsor
What you are experienced at the meeting was not to blame for your sadness. More likely, whatever triggered your tears was already inside you, waiting for something to release it. Most of us who are in recovery have a lot of stored-up grief. Tears are beneficial and cleansing.

There are day like this, when we feel sad, distracted, overwhelmed. Some days—especially in early recovery—are unexpectedly emotional. On such days, we may have to accept that it’s enough simply to breathe, eat three meals, drink water, and abstain from using our drug of choice. And, yes, to go to a meeting. Meetings remind us that when an alcoholic stays sober, an overeater eats moderately, or a perfectionist knows that he or she had done enough, a significant victory has been achieved. For those of us living with addiction, one day without additive behavior is a precious step forward on our journey.


I am willing to revise my goals for this day. I give myself the gift of keeping it simple for one day of recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 16 ----
I am of old and young, of the foolish as much as the wise….
And breathe the air and leave plenty after me,
And am not stuck up, and am in my place.
WALT WHITMAN

Newcomer
I’ve been told to make program calls, but I hate bothering other people, and I don’t like them bothering me. I can’t bring myself to ask people for their telephone numbers in the first place, and though a few people have offered me their numbers at meetings, I haven’t used them. How can I make phone alls to people I don’t know? Especially when I don’t really have anything to say other than that I fell terrible and don’t know why!


Sponsor
New recovery is a little bit like starting to walk after having been paralyzed. In recovery, we’re moving muscles that we haven’t used before. It’s uncomfortable. It’s work. But because we want to get better, we need to stop making excuses. I follow suggestions and use the tools of the program. I let go of my self-centeredness and see that making a program call is a gift: it offers someone else the opportunity to share his or her recovery. I recognize, too, that in the adult world, people can tell me when they aren’t available to talk; I don’t have to figure it out for them! I can be honest about where I’m at today, too—I don’t have to have my act together before I make a program call.


Today, I allow others to further their own recovery by sharing their experience, strength, and hope with me.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 17 ----
I have had just about all I can take of myself.

S. N. BEHRMAN

Newcomer
I can’t sleep. I’m too exhausted to concentrate during the day. At night I’m tortured by thoughts of sickness, death, debts, people I’ve hurt or who’ve hurt me. I’m uncomfortable physically, mentally, and emotionally. I bring it up at meetings, but no one takes me seriously. People just say, “It gets better” and “Keep coming back.”


Sponsor
Whether our addictions involve a substance or a behavior, we go through period of detoxification. Though some things may improve fast, most of us don’t heal overnight. Those who say “It gets better” and “Keep coming back” are speaking from experience and compassion. All of us, when we’re new, go through some version of what you’ve just described.

In time your body will readjust. Meanwhile, there are things you can do to reeducate your body about when it’s time to slow down. You can prepare for rest by dimming the lights, turning off the phone, playing slow music, or taking a warm bath by candlelight. In bed, you can take time to breathe and consciously relax your body, moving your attention very slowly upward from the toes as you picture every part of your body slowing down and letting go. You can do the same with thoughts, and visualize erasing them as they arise. You may still not sleep, but you can commit yourself to not indulging in worry or self-centered fear.


Today, I accept that detoxification is part of healing.

This, too shall pass.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 18 ----
A good listener is not only popular everywhere,
But after a while he gets to know something
WILSON MIZNER

Newcomer
I feel impatient. What am I doing at this meeting? The speaker’s concerns are entirely different from mine. He has cancer, and his doctor has told him that he has eighteen months to live. He says that he is not afraid of dying and he wants to die sober. I am impatient; my health is not a problem right now, and I don’t feel like I’m dying. I hate to say it, but what good is this going to do me?

Sponsor
When I am at a meeting, for the brief space of an hour I have nowhere I have to go, nothing I have to do. I can choose to relax, breathe, still my racing mind, listen. Sometimes a speaker addresses exactly what is on my mind. Other times, I have to listen hard for a feeling I can identify with or a principle I can practice. If I listen intending to hear something that I can take away with me even if it’s just one thing, I always find that it is there. After listening to someone who is facing illness and possible death, for example, I take away with me the new knowledge that here are recovering people who do not look at personal tragedy as an excuse for using again. Their priorities have changed. Are you will to reconsider your priorities?


Today, I listen without judging. I take responsibility
for hearing one thing that relates to my own recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

-----19 ----
…I always come to why, to the unfair, painful part of life.
MALKIA CYRIL

Newcomer
Today, I went to a meeting, but I could hardly hear the speaker. She spoke softly, and the fan was making too much noise. During the discussion period, she called on people by name; they must have been her friends. No one noticed me during the coffee break, and I left the meeting feeling worse than when I came in. I thought people in this fellowship were supposed to reach out to newcomers!


Sponsor
When I was active in my addiction, I “medicated” myself when I felt uncomfortable with other people. In recovery, I have had to learn new skills. Developing friendships, both in this fellowship and in the “real” world, takes time. Some of the people I see at meetings are coping with problems like the ones I walked in with: shyness, anger, self-centered fear. When I feel lonely, instead of waiting to be rescued, I introduce myself to the person next to me. I sit as close to the front of the room as possible, focus on listening to the speaker, and thank him or her at the break. I put my hand up (high, as if I meant it!) and, if called on, let the group know something about me. If I don’t get called on, I refrain from resentment and plan to keep coming and attempting to share. We can trust that, over time, if we’re willing to reach out to others, people will begin to know us.


Today, I do not blame others for my feelings.
I take one step toward sharing myself with others.
I let go of needing instant results.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 20 ----
For sometimes, were the truth confess’d,
You’re thankful for a little rest.
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI

Newcomer
I can’t stop thinking about the mess I’ve made of my life. I rush around all day trying to get things done, then I run to a meeting, grab some cookies and coffee, and try to listen. I feel impatient and annoyed at what people are saying. Sometimes I even fall asleep at the meeting. I leave wondering if it’s worth it.

Sponsor
Mood swings are a signal that something needs taking care of. The slogan “HALT” (Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)” is a reminder to pay attention to basics. We have bodies that need regular food and rest. When I deprive myself of a meal, I get cranky and depressed. Being overtired is a mood changer for, too. When I try to revive myself with coffee and sugary snacks at night, I may have trouble sleeping afterward. My spirit has needs, too, that I’m learning to recognize and nourish. For along time, I was used to masking my anger and loneliness with addictive substances. To change this habit, I allow recovering people into my life. Sometimes speaking to just one other person can break the cycle of isolation that addiction thrives one. But even if we don everything perfectly, we may still fall asleep in a meeting sometimes. We needn’t worry; even if we don’t catch every word, a meeting is a safe place to be.

Today, I respect the basic needs of my body and spirit.
I nurture my recovering self with food, rest,
And conversation with others.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 21 ----
Get rid of the poison
M.F.K. FISHER

Newcomer
I’m trying to take your advice not to get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, but sleep is still a problem for me. When I get into bed, my mind starts racing. I toss and turn; it’s as if I’m being flooded with adrenaline. Then I’ll pass out for a while, and the dreams I have are horrible—they’re like hallucinations. When I get up, I feel exhausted.

Sponsor
In the first few weeks of recovery, especially from physical addictions—alcohol, food, drugs, cigarettes—sleep disturbances are likely to occur. Our bodies are still undergoing a process of detoxification and rebalancing. When we feel if we’re being flooded with adrenaline, that’s probably exactly what’s happening. Night and day may be turned around. Sleep problems vary fro person to person, depending on former addictive patterns. Some may sleep a lot, with dreams that feel hallucinatory; others may feel as if they’ve been lying awake for days. When we used our addictive substance or behavior, we were numbing ourselves so that we wouldn’t have to feel certain things. Those feeling don’t go away just because we’ve entered recovery.

The extremes you’re experiencing will level off as recovery continues. Bodies have a natural tendency to heal. One morning, you will wake up refreshed, surprised to realize you’ve had a night’s rest. You can help the process along by avoiding caffeine or heavy eating at night, by drinking plenty of water, and by beginning to add some form of gentle exercise to your day. A walk or some gentle yoga or stretching can do more than you’d think to help you body detoxify and regain hormonal balance.

Today, I cooperate with the natural process
That is healing my body and spirit.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 22 ----
Over and over, we begin again.
BANANA YOSHIMOTO

Newcomer
Yesterday was such a difficult day. But here it is, morning again—somehow, I’ve gotten through another twenty-four hours, and without a drug. I wish I’d known yesterday that thing wouldn’t feel so bad this morning.

Sponsor
Yesterday, we did the best that we could. Yesterday is over. We have slept. We think we know some of what today will hold. We may boil water in the same kitchen, take the same route to work, see some of the faces we usually see. At the meeting we attend, we’ll hear the familiar readings, take comfort from hearing the words we’ve heard before. Perhaps our shoulders, hunched with any tensions we’re experiencing, will drop at the sound of those accustomed words and we’ll relax.

Along with the predictable, there may be a thousand unexpected experiences: a new color in the sky, a smile answering our own, a phrase of music, a sense of willingness rising within us to do something differently.

Let’s take some deep, slow breaths and begin the day with faith that whatever it brings, we’ll be present for it.

This day is a gift that recovery has given to me.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

-----23 ----
The more you can experience the interconnectedness of
all beings, the healthier you will be.
ANDREW WEIL

Newcomer
I’m spending a lot of time traveling, because I don’t like going to meetings in my neighborhood. What if someone who knows who I am happens to see me going in, or even show up at a meeting?

Sponsor
Of course, you can travel to other neighborhoods if you want to—it’s not going to hurt anyone. But I wonder if your fear is justified. Most people I know are thinking about their own lives, not about mine. In the unlikely event that a neighbor sees me walking into a church or community center for a meeting, he probably won’t know just where in that building I’m going or why, unless he’s been to the same meeting!

I appreciate having meeting in common with people in my neighborhood. Though I’m certainly not required to become friends with them all, I feel strengthened knowing that we share a program of recovery. Once, in early recovery, feeling in danger of having a slip, I recognized another recovering person coming down the street toward me. We nodded to one another and moved on. I didn’t know her well, but seeing her reminded me of my own connection to the program and of what a gift recovery has been in my life. Perhaps your example will save someone else’s life one day, whether you know it or not; meanwhile, you’re saving your own.

Today, I let go of self-centered fear.
As someone who shows up for recovery,
I’m willing to be a power of example

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 24 ----
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before
Him I may think aloud.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Newcomer
Someone from where I used to work showed up at the meeting I want to last night. I was uncomfortable, and I avoided looking straight at him, but I’m pretty sure he saw me. What happens to my anonymity now? I don’t want the whole world to know my problems.


Sponsor
I’m glad that you’ve raised this question; it’s an important one. What, exactly, is “anonymity” with respect to Twelve Step fellowships? The root of the word means, literally, “without a name.” I honor the tradition of anonymity by not mentioning your name in connection with the name of this program. I may decide to tell someone that I’ve been a meeting, but I will not say that I saw you there. And I must never talk to anyone about what you’ve shared here. That won’t change after I’ve been her ninety days, or a year, or twenty years. I never have the right to break your anonymity to people in the community, even your close friends or family—that choice is yours and no one else’s. We all share this trust, and most of us are surprisingly good at honoring it. Anonymity gives a sense of freedom essential to recovery. If you bump into this person again, maybe you’ll just nod a greeting or maybe you’ll reassure him that he can trust you to respect his anonymity!


Today, I have no room in my life for gossip or
self-consciousness. I feel joy at seeing others
participate in recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

---- 25 ----

Day in, day out
I hunger and
I struggle

SAPPHO

Newcomer
I have so many problems. I have debts. I feel anxious and shaky at work. Meanwhile, friends and family members expect me to be the same person I’ve always been. I’m totally overwhelmed.

Sponsor
In recovery, we have a future to look forward to. Over time, we learn new ways to approach situations that trouble us. But we can’t do anything differently if we’re still in the throes of our disease. We cannot rush recovery.

You can learn to treat yourself gently, as you would a baby or a kitten, or a sick or injured person lying in a hospital bed. You wouldn’t yell at such a person, Get up! You have work to do! Stop wasting time! You’d be tender and understanding. You would not begrudge a baby, or someone recovering from illness, time for rest, food, or medicine. Taking some time for meetings is essential to the healing process. Prayer and meditation can help clam you when you feel overwhelmed.

We are entitled to take time for recovery.

Today, I treat myself tenderly and patiently.
I deserve to recover. I allow myself time for healing.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin



---- 26 ----
This is a “we” program.
SAYING HEARD AT MEETINGS

Newcomer
Why must I have a sponsor? Can’t I do this on my own?

Sponsor
Sponsorship is strong suggestion—not a rule. Yes, some people do stay in recovery without a sponsor. And no, we can’t recover on our own.

There are great advantages to taking the program suggestion to maintain a relationship with a sponsor. Recovery is a major change—it’s one of the most difficult, most courageous things we can do in our lives. A sponsor, someone who’s survived the ups and downs we’re facing in early recovery, can serve as a guide and mentor. He or she can answer our questions and help us guide and mentor. He or she can answer our questions and help us through the Steps, giving us the benefit of his or her experience. With a sponsor present to witness our recovery process, to offer perspective and support, we may have a gentler ride.

When I was active in my addiction, I avoided the intimacy of relationships in which I might have to open myself to others or trust them. Even at times when there were many people in my life, I managed to avoid “people situations” that made me uncomfortable. A sponsor-sponsee relationship can be the start of learning that human beings can depend on one another.
Today, I’m not alone in recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----27 ----

I took the portion that was given to me and gave it to him
THE BABYLONIAN TALMUD

Newcomer
Are there any rules about how to find a sponsor?

Sponsor
Some meetings have interim sponsorship programs. An interim sponsor works with a newcomer temporarily—a few weeks to a few months—while he or she looks for a regular long-term sponsor. Sometimes, an interim sponsor becomes the newcomer’s regular sponsor, if they both agree to it.

Long-term sponsorship is a relationship of trust, on that’s likely to have a significant impact on the process of recovery. It’s not a good idea to choose impulsively. When we attend meetings, we listen closely as people qualify or share. We’ll hear people who have the serenity and sober experience we ourselves want. If we hear someone we think we’d like to ask t o be our sponsor, we try phoning or going out for coffee with him or her first. We take a little time. We soon know whether or not we have the willingness to share and to listen. We sense whether this is someone whose guidance we can trust.

Sponsors should have a minimum of one year of recovery. It’s suggested that a sponsor’s gender not be that of his or her sponsee’s sexual preference; for example, a hetero sexual woman generally shouldn’t choose a heterosexual male sponsor. It’s a suggestion, not a rule, meant to keep the way clear, so that sponsors and sponsees don’t’ get distracted from their goal. The goal is continued. Quality recovery—for both the sponsor and the sponsee.

Today, I welcome a sponsor-sponsee relationship that encourages and supports my recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 28 ----

Sincerity is the foundation of the spiritual life.
ALBERT SCHWEITZER

Newcomer
I started out with a temporary sponsor. She was the one who spoke to me first. She seemed to like me and to have real concern for how I was doing as a newcomer. At first, we talked a lot. She knew what being a newcomer was like and said some things that went pretty deep.

Then she became hard to reach. She took her time returning my calls, and when I finally asked if something was wrong, she said she thought I should get a regular sponsor. I was angry and hurt. We’d worked together so well at first.

Sponsor
Some people prefer working with newcomers, helping them through the roller coaster of early recovery, but aren’t available as long-term sponsors. Whatever the underlying reasons, it’s preference—just as some parents take more naturally to parenting very young, dependent children, while others have an easier time with kids who can walk and talk and read books. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s just a fact.

Of course, it helps if a sponsor is clear with us from the beginning about the limits of his or her availability. Confusion sets in when people send us mixed signals. I don’t know all the specifics of what occurred between you and your interim sponsor, or whether there was a clear understanding between the two of you at the outset. But what is perfectly clear is her last message: when she suggested that you find another sponsor, then stopped returning calls, she let you know that she was no longer available to you.

I respect your desire to extend the relationship with your temporary sponsor; I, too, can still feel the power of my first attachments in this program. But when someone says no to us, it’s wise to believe what they say. It’s freedom.


Today, I remember that many people are willing to help me on my path.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 29 ----
They try to pass along something they themselves have not yet received.

LEWIS HYDE

Newcomer
What do I do if someone I don’t know offers to be my sponsor?

Sponsor
Sometimes, a volunteer sponsor is the best thing that could happen to a newcomer who’s floundering or confused and who would do well with strong guidance. Sometimes it’s not such a good thing. What are the motives of someone who walks up to me and announces, “I’m your sponsor”? How do I know the difference between someone whose offer of service is sincere and someone who has the wish to control me? Or worse, who wants to prey on me—sexually or in some other way?

Control is an issue for most of us in recovery. As a sponsor, I have to be careful about my impulse to try to “fix” another person. It may make me feel powerful to think I’ve got the answers; it may distract me from my own unsolved problems. Over responsibility can be an addition, too.

If I have doubts about what someone in recovery is offering me, I can take some time to talk and listen. I can trust my instincts. If I listen, I may discover that I already have the answer inside me.

Today, I’m grateful for the unconditional love offered by others in recovery. I trust my ability to make good choices as I form relationships with people I meet, here and elsewhere.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


----30 ----
How easy it was to underestimate what had been endured.
MARGARET DRABBLE

Newcomer
I heard someone share that it was her anniversary and that she wanted to celebrate by stepping in front of a car and killing herself. How can someone talk that way at a meeting? I don’t want to listen to it.

Sponsor
The first thing I notice about this dramatic statement is that it was made at a meeting. As desperate as the person who made it may have been feeling, she did not act out her addiction, but instead showed up and shared. I’ve walked into meetings feeling depressed, despairing, angry, rebellious, alone, or misunderstood, and when I’ve been willing to share my state of mind, have felt sudden relief.

Not knowing the person who shared, and not being experts, we can’t really know how seriously to take such a statement. From one person, it might be a sign the compassionate professional help is needed; from another, it might be just a bit of self-indulgent humor or a bid for attention. People come to meetings in many different frames of mind, with different life experiences, and with recovery of varying lengths and quality. Some make everything they experience sound like high drama; others are reluctant to expose depths of real pain. And of course, there are many people with strong recovery who use the tools of the program to help them “ride the waves” of life’s problems with relative ease and even joy.

Rather than focus on your discomfort with someone else’s sharing, why not keep the focus on yourself and your own recovery work?

Today, I say a prayer for those who are still sick and suffering, in or out of this program. I give my attention to the work that’s mine to do in recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----31 ----
I like to think that at birth, everyone is allotted a quantity of alcohol to last for her whole life, and that by the time I was in my twenties, I’d already consumed my entire quota!
WOMAN IN RECOVERY


Newcomer
I can’t get my mind off what I’m missing. I think that at this point I could control myself and just use moderately. Ordinary people have a glass of wine when they eat dinner at a restaurant, or have a beer on a hot summer day. Why do I have to deprive myself?


Sponsor
Frankly, I can’t imagine a better way to torture myself than making the decision to have just a little I’d be preoccupied with that little bit all day long: waiting beforehand for the right time to have it, then resenting its being over, afterward. For me, how could just a little ever be enough? And how could I keep from rationalizing, after a while, having just a little bit more? My biochemistry and my mental obsession make me crave certain substances whenever I have them. Other people may not react this—but I’m not other people. My susceptibility turns something that may be safe for others into poison for me. There is one simple way for me to keep from craving more of this poison, and that is to avoid it altogether. Over time, deprivation takes on a new meaning—we no longer have the desire to deprive ourselves of this experience of recovery.


For today, I stop my craving by not feeding it.
I make room for a new, better life.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 32 ----
To accept a favor from a friend is to confer one.

JOHN CHURTON COLLINS

Newcomer
I’ve been okay for the past few days, so I haven’t called you. I feel as if I’m calling you too much. I don’t know what you could possibly be getting out of it.


Sponsor
I identify with your fear of imposing on other people, so I want to say first that I’m grateful for your phone calls. They help me to stay sober, just as much as they help you. They remind me, every day, of our addiction, and they remind me of the ways we’re growing and being healed.

When we stay in daily touch with a sponsor, it helps to keep us from “slipping through the cracks. “Though I go to a meeting, make coffee, or put away chairs, say hello to a few people, even put up my hand and share, there may be parts of my recovery process that I don’t understand, don’t like to talk about, or don’t get to talk about in depth. I can share more deeply and at greater length with my sponsor. My sponsor knows me pretty well by now and is likely to bring up recovery issues I’d rather evade or bury. Calling our sponsors isn’t always easy, but it’s part of our commitment to ourselves and our recovery.


Today, I’m willing to know others and to be known by them.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 33 ----
Argue not concerning God.
WALT WHITMAN

Newcomer
It’s obvious from what I hear people saying in meetings that God is a pretty important part of Twelve Step programs. What if I don’t believe in God or a Higher Power?


Sponsor
We don’t need religion in order to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using our preferred additive substance or behavior. To recover, we have to put down what we’re addicted to and we have to come to meetings. Not easy, perhaps, but simple and clear.

Whether or not we believe in God, most of us recognize that we don’t live entirely independently. The phrase “a Power greater than ourselves,” from Step Two, is a reminder to me that I don’t run the universe. Whatever I believe about God’s existence, I have to accept that I myself am not God—if I’m going to recover. I can’t control my addiction on my own. Willpower stopped working for me some time ago. I owe this newfound willingness to recover to someone or something that isn’t my intellect or will.

Those who reject traditional concepts of God can still point to something inside—what some call their “better self,” their “sense of right and wrong,” their “higher self,” or their “spirit”—that got them here. The desire for wholeness has somehow proved stronger than the impulse toward self-destruction.


Today, I accept that I’m not all-powerful.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 34 ----
For extreme illnesses, extreme treatments are necessary.
HIPPOCRATES

Newcomers
I keep hearing people refer to this problem as a disease. I’m not sure I buy that. I’ve stopped haven’t I?


Sponsor
The “disease debate” reminds me of the old saying, “If it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck—then it must be a duck.”

We know from experience that our addiction, untreated, is a craving so powerful that we have no choice but to put it first, before our goals and ideals, before work, health, and love. Willpower and promises may curb our addictive use for brief periods, but our physical craving and mental obsession return. Lives are shattered in the process. Some of us die.

Yet we persist in thinking that our addictive behavior is a moral issue. If we could just pull ourselves together, we could stop for good. Good intentions and inspirational messages haven’t worked for us, but we try them again and again. We forget that recovery isn’t about stopping, but about staying stopped.

We can look at it as good news that we have a disease. Accepting this helps us became willing to make the radical changes in our spiritual, mental, and physical lives that are required for our survival. We’re grateful for the “medicine” of meetings, literature, phone calls, sponsorship, and service. It’s helping us crate new, healthy selves.


Today, I’m grateful for the lifesaving principles of this program.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


-----35 ----

No one knows what he can do till he tries.
PUBLILUS SYRUS

Newcomer
I feel as if I have no energy. When I get home from work I force myself to go to a meeting, but all I really want to do is sleep.


Sponsor
At the end of active addiction, we were exhausted. Our bodies were used to brief, intense pickups—from drugs or cigarettes, from food containing large amounts of caffeine and sugar, from the high of acting out behavioral addictions—after which we “crashed.” The boost to our physical or mental energy was brief. Low bold sugar, depression, and renewed craving were the other side of this depleting cycle.

For me, exhaustion returned after the “high” of early recovery. I badly needed rest. This meant sleep, nutritious food, and, in my case, vitamin and mineral supplements. To my surprise, it also meant exercise.

How can we think about jogging around a track when we’re feeling exhausted? If we haven’t been exercising regularly, the key word to remember is gentleness. We can begin with a few minutes of gentle stretching in the morning. We can put on sneakers and walk for a short time each day. Or we can choose some other activity that appeals to us and that feels more like play then work. Surprisingly, regular physical movement increases our feelings of energy and well-being—sometimes more effectively than napping. It helps our digestion and circulation, balances our body weight, strengthens our bones, and helps us feel centered and refreshed.

Whatever we choose to do to get our bodies moving, gentleness and consistency are the keys.


Today, I nourish my body and spirit with gentle exercise.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 36 ----
They are dead even while they are alive.
LAWRENCE KUSHNER

Newcomer
What exactly is a blackout? I can’t figure out whether I’ve had them or not.

Sponsor
The term “blackout” usually refers to a period of time when we acted under the influence of an addictive substance, but later couldn’t remember or account for what we did. Many recovering alcoholics, for example, whether their drinking was daily or periodic, speak of having had to make phone calls “the morning after” to find out what they said or did the previous night. Blacking out as a result of drinking is one of the warning signs of alcoholism; it can last a few minutes or several days. Some have found themselves in strange beds, or even in foreign countries, with no memory of how they got there. Some people have killed during blackouts.

We don’t have to be using alcohol, drugs, or other substances to experience the blackout phenomenon. Some of us use the term more loosely to name a state in which, demoralized or compelled by our addiction, we behaved as if we weren’t “all there”—took unnecessary sexual risks, for example, or spent money we didn’t have, lied, forgot commitments, or acted in other ways we were later ashamed of. We say of such moments, “I was in an emotional blackout” or “I behaved as if I were in a blackout.”


Today, I look at places my addiction took me without my full consent. I’m grateful for my ability to make conscious choices in recovery.

From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin
©1998 Joan Larkin


---- 38 ----

Every new moment that arises in your life can now be a point of choice…in which you can choose to treat yourself and others with Compassion rather than Judgment.
DAVID HARP


Newcomer
I wince every time I hear the words “God as we understood Him” and “Higher Power.” When meeting close with the Lord’s Prayer, I feel like I’m being railroaded. I don’t fit into the same religious slot that other people seem to take for granted.

Sponsor
All of us qualify to be here, but not because of any religious identification or belief. Most of us are tolerant of differences, but, being human, some of us forget that not everyone shares the same religious context. Whatever an individual member has to say about the role of his or her Higher Power, the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using the addictive substance that got us here.

Once I heard a member say, “This meeting is my church.” I’m glad that notion works for her. By the same token, I’ve always been grateful that this program is not a church—otherwise, I might have to rebel against it! We’re not required to subscribe to a particular set of religious beliefs or rituals. In recovery, each of us is free to explore what we believe.


Today, I respect others’ right to their beliefs, just as I respect my own. I bring my love of openness, inclusiveness, and harmony with me wherever I go.