[MajestyJo]

importance for most alcoholics are the questions they must ask about their behavior respecting financial and emotional security. In these areas fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have too often done their worst. Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these: In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? Did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility? Or by griping that others failed to recognize my truly exceptional abilities? Did I overvalue myself and play the big shot? Did I have such unprincipled ambition that I double-crossed and undercut I disagreewith I disagreeociates? Was I extravagant? Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not? Was I a pinch penny, refusing to support my family properly? Did I cut corners financially? What about the "quick money" deals, the stock market, and the races? Businesswomen in A.A. will naturally find that many of these questions apply to them, too. But the alcoholic housewife can also make the family financially insecure. She can juggle charge accounts, manipulate the food budget, spend her afternoons gambling, and run her husband into debt by irresponsibility, waste, and extravagance. But all alcoholics who have drunk themselves out of jobs, family, and friends will need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly to determine how their own personality defects have thus demolished their security. The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times to come from without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression? Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change? These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of my discomfort and indicate whether I may be able to alter my own conduct and so adjust myself serenely to self-discipline.

AA 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

All my life it seemed, I looked outside of myself to make me feel better. I wasn't getting what I thought I needed from my partner, they didn't love me the way I thought they should never looking at what I was giving in the relationship, on the job, to the family.

From the absent father, to the cheating husband, to the crooked boss, the supposed best friend, and to the many needy relationships, I was always looking for them to fulfill my needs and make my world happy.

It can all be said in song: "Looking for love in all the wrong places. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against, me. You are my man, I am your woman.
D. I. V. O. R. C. E."

Often did the work of two or more people, but paid low wages. Certainly never paid the amount I thought I was worth. In the beginning, it was true, at the end, it was thank God for correction tape. I took years of abuse and never felt worthy and respected because I never had any of these feelings for myself. The only way I knew how to love was to do more to show my love or gratitude.

The emotions, I had all of them. For so many years stuffed and warped beyond recognition. Either that or glossed over and pretended that they were not there. I think one of the phrases that is often an indicator that someone is an alcoholic is "I am not as bad as...." We compare instead of identifying. I know it kept me sick for a long time.

For so many years I thought it was the pills, alcohol and the men in my life that was the problem. The problem was me with all my baggage and emotional hangups and dysfunction. It is so much easier to point the finger instead of looking in the mirror and seeing what is reflected there.

My attitude toward money was, if I have it, I spend it. I have a little more discipline in today about it and my bills and rent are paid. There is enough to see me through when I live within my income. When I become the big shot or decide to spoil myself by telling myself I 'deserve' something, then I can find myself robbing Peter to pay Paul. I use to think I 'deserved to have a drink' and many other rewards. Today I know that things have to be earned and had to ask for healing on my thinking as well as my actions concerning money.

A lot was fear based. My insecurities of running out, having to do without food, not getting any attention, and just growing old and alone. Today I am not concerned with 'stuff' and it seems the more I have, the more I want, so try to keep things in balance. If I haven't used it for a year there is a good chance I don't need it. My Higher Power meets my needs. Anything over and above that is bonus.

To be continued...