Quote:
Freedom From Guilt
"Our addiction enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind and were condemned by our own guilt."
NA Basic Text, p.7
This is the quote form today's Just For Today's reading. When I read it, it was like mirror, mirror on the wall, that was me.
So many times I have said, "I was a prisoner of my own mind" and that I didn't need bars to keep me immobilized. Fear and guilt did that.
I was raised in the church for the first 22 years of my life. It was guilt that made me leave and say, "Hosta Lavista" God, I am out of here. Not sure that is spelled right, but that is the sound of the words that rang through my head. It ended up, not just being the church, I kept running from situations and relationships for many years. I was running away from myself.
Having been raised in the church, I ran in fear and I felt guilty because a good little Christian girl should not feel or act that way and yet at the first, I think I was just trying to be me and didn't know how. Didn't have many life skills
There was a lot of guilt because my son had his own addiction and I thought I had passed it on to him. The reality was that I came into recovery when he was 25. He didn't look for recovery for himself until he was 40, had three months and relapsed, and more guilt because I should have been able to help him. I came to realize this time around, the best thing for me was to detach and let him find his own way. I can be supportive and nothing more. He kept saying, "You don't understand Mom." He didn't realize it wasn't the substance that made the difference, we all used for the same reasons.
No matter what the substance, if we didn't have a certain about of remorse for what we did, we will probably never find the help we need in the rooms. We need to surrender our disease to the program and work the 12 Steps. That was the only way I could get rid of my guilt.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Originally posted on August 1, 2010
The words I shared 4 years ago, could have been written in today. This is a one day at a time program. God is only a prayer away.
They say, "We had to go through what we went through to get to where we are in today." That is true for our loved one too.
