I used to live in my past," said one recovering woman. "I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.
"I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me - even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.
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Language of Letting Go
For me it was always about control. What I call the "C" word because it is right there up with the word 'cancer' because it corrodes the soul.
Although I would blame others, I would have those whips out and would be beating up myself for being stupid, how could you do this, didn't you learn your lesson the last time, why are you continuing to do this to yourself?
The control is generally me trying to control the addict or my environment, me wanting things to go my way so I will have an outcome that is in my best interest because the great "ME" is at stake in the great scheme of things. Sounds pretty selfish and self-centered, especially for someone in recovery, and it is. That is why I have to work this program one day at a time, to obtain my emotional and mental sobriety as well as my physical and spiritual sobriety.
Everyone says, "I am in control of myself." No! I am not in control, unless I turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding. When I do that, I don't need to go there, into that sick way of thinking, and let my God lead and direct my life.
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The past can be really sneaky because it can be attached to things in today and I need to cut the imbelical cord, but in order to do that, I have to see it. So many times, I have based things in today on past experiences, knowing full well, that in today, with my God's Good Orderly Direction, I do not have to go there in today. Which means, when I do, I am not walking in faith, I am not trusting my God, I am being selective as to what I think He can and will do, according to my will.
Letting go can often be as simple as a prayer and deep breathes in and out, which is a position of surrender, especially when you sit with both palms up, wiling to let go and receive, what your God has to give you and what you need taken away.
Remember recovery is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. It, what ever "it" is in your life in today, will always be there if we don't learn to let go!
With the letting go comes acceptance, the five As are a process. Aware I have a problem. Admit to my God, to myself and another human being that the problem exists and my acknowledging it, the process is put into motion. It can't go far without acceptance, and if my attitude isn't good, I am not going to be willing to take action. For me though, I often have to take action to change the attitude, which makes for a real spiritual awakening, and then I know, God and I are on the same page.
If I was able to control, my life would have been manageable. That is an illusion.