I asked myself, "If I am not an alcoholic, what am I?" I didn't like that answer either. I found that as a daughter of an alcoholic and a person who had an eating disorder, gave me a very dysfunctional outlook on life. Being married to a man who ran around with other women and was with another woman when our son was born was hard on my self-esteem and self-worth. I later learned that when you said "No!" it was rape, even though it was your husband. My second husband was an alcoholic, my judgment and me taking his inventory. In today, I know he was a drunk and when I decided, "If you can't beat them, join them, I became an alcoholic." In recovery, I came to realize that I had the thinking for many years, right back to that first drink I stole at the age of 10 years of age.
I used people, places and things for years. When I saw my brother killed when I was three, I used anything that was available to escape reality. Over the years, it took more and more of what ever substance I chose in the moment to cope with life until such a time as I could no longer cope; and it got to a place where I was thinking, "Stop the world, I want to get off."
So I questioned life, I questioned myself, and I questioned others. I came into recovery, and found a solution. I saw it working for others, so I followed the suggestions, and it worked for me too.
The people in the rooms loved me back to good health until I could learn to love myself.
