Quote:
My folks know how to push my buttons, they installed them.
- Anon. (Alkiespeak - Book - Quote)
Many many times, I thought of my son pushing mine, not realizing that what goes around comes around. I am sure I did the same thing to my parents.
My father said to me when I came home to look after him, "You use to be such a quiet young thing, whatever happened? Now you are making up for lost time."
I was told at 14 that I talked with my eyes. My son just had to ask and look at me, and if possible, I would get it. He didn't know the meaning of "No" until I came into recovery.
As one of my unofficially adopted daughters said to me, "I could relate to you more before than I do now. She, like my son, didn't like to be told No!"
I fell for the sob stories, the whines, and the pleading hook, line, and sinker, especially when guilt was laid on top of it, either from myself or projected onto me. I didn't know I didn't have to carry it and I didn't have to say, "I'm sorry" for the rest of my life.
I didn't have to replace the buttons, but recognize that I was the one playing them. I had to change the tapes, so they were in tune with today.
Life is about me being clean and sober, and detaching and setting boundaries with my son.
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If I feel the bucking of uncertainty, despair, or fear, I can take it as a sign that I have gotten out of step.
... In All Our Affairs
It is also a sure sign that I am out of balance within myself or I have pushed a play button and living in the past.
Sometimes I don't realize that it is an old tape because it is familiar and comfortable and just feels right. That doesn't make it right. It just means I need to take a look at it, then turn it over to my God and ask for new direction and understanding.
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Just gave my son the money to go see the movie Star Wars, plus money for popcorn and pop. It is an early Christmas present, something I wasn't going to buy for him because it seems like I have already given him several presents already.
I went up to him and said, "Are you bored?" He looked despondent, and the "Oh Woe is me on his face and his body language." He said, "I am always bored." He doesn't go back to work until the new year, and not too sure exactly when that will be.
It seemed easier to give out the money than to be around him when he is so depressed. I am not feeling good and don't need the extra doom and gloom. So not sure I was listening to the subliminal message he was sending me, "Oh I would really like to see Star Wars, or whether I was completely doing it from my heart."
Am I enabling him or myself?
