Thank you for sharing Still Hopeful, welcome to the site. I can identify with you, my life was the opposite of what I was taught and lived for the first 19 years of my life. If I didn't break the rules, I bent them very badly.
When I came into recover, I was sick and tire of being sick and tired. I was one of the very sick ones, and I think it took me about 2 years, just to detox. I think it was because like you, I didn't think I was worthy. A counselor asked me at 6 years clean and sober, "Why haven't you forgiven yourself?" I looked at her and said in surprise, "I didn't think to ask." I didn't ask because I saw myself as unworthy. It helped that the lady who brought me to the rooms of recovery said, "God doesn't make no junk." He has a purpose for you, He brought you here."
I hope you continue to come so you don't have to come back.
A WELCOME HUG FOR YOU!