Honesty with others/Alibis and excuses
How can I be honest with you if I can't be honest with myself. Rationalization and justification were big defects of mine and found myself yesterday, not excusing my behavior but acknowledging that I did wrong. I had set something up and then when I got there, forgot what I was suppose to do and lost the contract. It was there to be made. I got caught up with one thought and didn't take time to look at the whole picture.
How many times have I said, "Well I did this because I thought..." when in reality, I didn't think or didn't hesitate and meditate by following thought with more thought instead of action.
If there was one thing I hated, it was my humanness. I would people say, "What do you expect, I am only human?" I would think, "I expect you to try and not blame your human nature, for your bad behaviour." The program is one of change.
That doesn't mean we don't make mistakes. What it does mean is we try our best, whatever our best is in today.
For many years, I was too honest and it was important to speak my truth and that was that without much thought of others. Often it isn't what you say, so much as how you say it. The attitude and tone can make a big difference.
I justified things to myself more than I did others and yet having gone through two abusive marriage, I felt like I had to justify my existance and my reason for being. I was told I didn't matter and who cared what I thought and what I wanted didn't matter. It became a habit. If you said, "No!" You had better have a darn good reason, especially if it was opposing the thoughts of my partner.
I was resentful and angry at them and at myself for doing it. I rationalized and felt like I had to explain my actions and why I did something. It was not a very nice way to live. Recovery has given me so many gifts. The greatest being the freedom to be me.
For me, it was a lot of justification and rationalization that kept me from being honest with myself. All my life I felt like I had to have a reason for doing, saying, and being me. Very low self-esteem, self-worth, and a low sense of self kept me sick and like my disease, it got lower instead of going away, until I found recovery.
Like all things, I had to turn it over to my Higher Power and ask for help.
Quote:
Psalm 30:2
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
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