Thoughtful/Thoughtless
For so many years, in my disease, I was selfish and self-centered yet all through this, I gave no thought of my health and my well being. I never gave me a great deal of thought and care. Yes it was what was in it for me, but it was about my addiction, and nothing to do with my health and well being.
I never thought, is this good for me. Is this for my Higher Good. Is this for the good of the whole. I was completely thoughtless of those around me and thinking I was hurting no one but myself, not realizing that people cared even if I didn't. Not caring about myself and being indifferent about what happens to me is part of my disease, not part of my recovery.
I realized this yesterday, when I thought of not putting on something different to wear downstairs to the store. I found myself saying, "I don't care" I followed it up with, "That is the problem, you are suppose to care about yourself."
Not with the old attitude, "If I don't look out for #1 who will." I had to change it to "You are worthy and deserve recovery and be kind and love yourself" I had to change my thought patterns.
Growing up, I was told I was responsible. As a result, I took on things that were not mine. It wasn't that I didn't care, but I did get resentful of having the burden put onto me, not knowing it wasn't job. I know that it isn't right to have my happiness at the expense of others. I know that I have a right to happiness, no matter what someone else does, thinks or says. I use to think I was less than, because I was told all my life it was my job. Look what you made me do. If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have.... It is all your fault.
I lived my life through others, I was a people pleaser, I found my value and acceptance through others, I had to let go of expectations, I had to remember progress not perfection. It is a one day at a time program.
