As I have shared before, a member of AA who became a priest in recovery and has over 60 years clean and sober, once said, "This is a one day at a time program." When I take the Steps, it is about in today and for me, how my past affects me in today. Looking at who I am and do I love myself enough to accept myself as I am or do I need to change.
I needed to take an inventory of what was there, how can you change something if you are not aware of it. This is one of the reasons for a sponsor. I stuff everything all of my life (birth mark removed surgically when I was one, badly burnt and hospitalized when I ws 18, seeing my brother killed when I was 3, and our house being struck by lightning, and the list goes on), so it took a long time for me to become aware of my feelings and my defects that had accumulated over the years.
I didn't want to look at myself, so I looked at others, not realizing that what I saw in them, I had within myself. As they say, "It takes one to know one."
When I was new to recovery, I thought I had done a 4th Step. As I healed and grew in recovery, I realized that all I had done was an extended Step One. I had not healed, detoxed, and didn't have the awareness, honesty, open mindedness and willingness to truly see and recognize something for what it was.
It really did help me though to go to meetings and hear other people share, it brought new awareness to me and later as I grew in recovery, I was able to give back and share what worked for me. I can never repay the gifts I received in recovery, I went to a lot of meetings and a lot of great people were put in my path. My coming here and sharing is an indirect amend to all those in my life, especially to those in my life prior to recovery, to say that I have changed and I try not to do what I use to do and I am not the person you knew back then. Each day, I try to become a better me. This is a one day at a time program and I am a work in progress.
