Quote:
Belief meant reliance, not; defiance. In A.A, we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol's final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay." Now let's take the guy full of faith, but still reeking of alcohol. He believes he is devout. His religious observance is scrupulous. He's sure he still believes in God, but suspects that God doesn't believe in him. He takes pledges and more pledges. Following each, he not only drinks again, but acts worse than the last time. Valiantly he tries
to fight alcohol, imploring God's help, but the help doesn't come. What, then, can be the matter?
To clergymen, doctors, friends, and families, the alcoholic who means well and tries hard is a heartbreaking riddle. To most A.A.'s, he is not. There are too many of us who have been just like him, and have found the riddle's answer.
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It was coming to meetings, coming to realize that these people had something that I didn't have. I had tried for eight years to quit my way and it hadn't worked. I came to believe that AA would work for me because I could see it working in others. I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped. After coming to AA, I never found a good reason to go back out, a lot of excuses, but I didn't have to act on them. I slipped mentally and emotionally, but I never had to physically pick up a drink again. I had a spiritual bottom at one year sober. I had used my religious beliefs because that was all I knew. I came to realize it wasn't enough. I needed more. I went on a spiritual journey and as a result I found my religious beliefs enhanced my spiritual beliefs and my spiritual beliefs enhanced my religious beliefs. They were two separate entities joined by the Spirit of the God of my understanding.
This reminds me of a fellow I met in early recovery who shared with me that he relapsed every five years. He had repeated this pattern for many years. He blamed it on his Catholic faith and said it was because of guilt that he always picked up again. Shortly after he shared with me, he relapsed after celebrating five years and didn't make it back.
There was a lot of trauma in my life and yet I don't feel as though I doubted God. I had my beliefs. I just didn't believe God had much faith in me so therefore I didn't depend too much on Him to bail me out of where I was at. There were a few "God Help Me!" but they were more expletives than actual cries for help. It was I got myself in this corner now how the heck do I get myself out. Rather than show me the way out it was more like "Do it for me!"
I was at a group anniversary and the pastor of the church where the meeting was held came to speak and share. He said, "I wish the people upstairs had what you people downstairs have. It would make my job a lot easier."
To be continued...