Quote:
Consider next the plight of those who once had faith, but have lost it. There will be those who have drifted into indifference, those filled with
self-sufficiency who have cut themselves off, those who have become prejudiced against religion, and those who are downright defiant because God has failed to fulfill their demands. Can A.A, experience tell all these they may still find a faith that works?
Sometimes A.A, comes harder to those who have lost or rejected faith than to those who never had any faith at all, for they think they have tried faith and found it wanting. They have tried the way of faith and the way of no faith.
Since both ways have proved bitterly disappointing, they have concluded there is no place whatever for them to go. The roadblocks of indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice, and defiance often prove more solid and formidable for these people than any erected by the unconvinced agnostic or even the militant atheist. Religion says the existence of God can be proved; the agnostic says it can't be proved; and the atheist claims proof of the nonexistence of God. Obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion. He thinks himself lost to the comfort of any conviction at all. He cannot attain in even a small degree the assurance of the believer, the agnostic, or the atheist. He is the bewildered one.
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This was very true for me. I didn't have much faith in my religious beliefs in fact I had a lot of resentments. It seemed like I had missed out of a lot of things in life as a result of the strict structure I was brought up in. Because I rebelled against the church and the ideas, I shut myself off from anything to do with it. I took my son to Sunday School and he rebelled and didn't' want to go. Said he didn't like it and wouldn't say why. He was only five. When we went to my husband's church when I remarried, he said he didn't like that church and if we had to go, let us go back to our own. When I remarried the church said I had to raise him in that faith and they asked me to join too. I said, "In the Bible it says 'Make a joyful noise onto the Lord' and your music is anything but joyful, it is down right mournful. Thanks but no thanks." My son went up to visit with his father when he was 15. He had him help to build his church and then had him baptized in his church. My son came home and said, "Mom if dad calls and wants me to go to visit tell him I am working." He didn't even have a job. I was furious. I believe faith is a personal thing and he had a right to choose or not choose for himself. Today he has his own belief and he doesn't go to church. I have mine, and I choose not to go to church either although I have thought of going back again. My only reason for going though is the social aspect of the church community. I can be open to their teachings and for the most part I agree. I just get hung up on the 'sinner' and the thought of good and bad. For me it is needy souls searching for something outside of themselves to make themselves feel good. I was a sick person trying to get well. Not a bad person trying to get good. The goodness was already inside of me. The problem was I set it aside in order to fit in or because I didn't feel worthy.
I have gone back to church, left and went back again, only to leave again. I related the pastors messages to those I have heard in AA. I love the music, grew up on Gospel music and still love to hear and sing it. I find strength and comfort through it.
A part of me found it difficult to see people in church and not walking their talk. I saw a lot of them as hypocrites who went there with their Sunday best, and then left to be their other self when they walked out the door. I didn't see a lot of Whole people. I found them very judgmental on the whole and if you didn't believe in there way, you were in the wrong and they had very closed minds. I saw a lot of people trying to be Holy but like they say in the program, it is a 24 hour a day program, not a 2-4 hour a program. My Higher Power is the (W)Holy Spirit.
To be continued...