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Old 10-17-2014, 11:18 AM   #11
MajestyJo
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The other night I was talking to my friend about the dark circle under my eyes and wanting to know how to remove them. I always blamed them on having to wear glasses since I was 14 years old. I hated them, and I realized a lot of it was associated with anger.

She said, "She said tenatively, "I get that it has a lot to do with vanity." I replied, "Of course it is!" what else would it be? LOL!

Even in my old age, in can creep in, that old vanity and pride, wanting to look good and fearing what others will say or think when they see me.

I spent most of my life growing up looking for validation and affirmation, and yet there was a part of me that wanted strokes and praise for what I thought were my good points, like my dark brown talking eyes and great legs! Then sum of the parts never seemed to make up a complete package that I was happy with, or I was too pleased with myself (which didn't happen too often), unless I got a lot of that attention to validate something, I could seldom find within myself.

As they say pride goeth before a fall. Sometimes it was the little things, like the zit at the end of your nose when things just had to be just so! It seems like the whole world was out to get you. It was the end of the world.

Colouring my hair auburn, going into the pool at the YWCA, going to school and having a girl telling me she really liked the shade of my hair, and she sounded sarky and me thinking "b*tch!" Only later to run into her and having her say, "Did I tell you I really like that shale of plum, and going into the bathroom, to find my hair was coloured plum. The chlorine had changed the colour of my hair. My sister tried to change the colour and it came out wine. I didn't have the attitude back then to carry it off, I felt very insecure, shame, introverted, yet wanted to put on a mask and play the aggressor and put on the bravado and not let on how hurt I was.

The games we play. The games we can still play. The roles we play. The roles and masks we can still play, if we don't apply the program, take an inventory, find our true selves, and allow ourselves the freedom of recovery. It is okay to be me.

Every once in a while, I keep thinking of going back to being that blonde. I have a box still stored away. It was done at the suggestion of my son, and I think it would be nice for a change. I did it at first because my hair was about 4 different shades. When I was smoking, the nicotine made my hair an ugly colour and there was a lot of self-justification. When I first done it, it made me feel beautiful, and that was good. In today, that isn't necessary, I feel more beautiful with my white hair, that is as long as I am not having a bad hair day!

Oh what a tangled web we can weave when we practice to deceive, especially ourselves.

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Love always,

Jo

I share because I care.


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