Sharing and Caring

[MajestyJo]

For so many years, I was so busy in service, that I didn't know how to practice self-care. I still didn't make healthy choices for me. I had to learn balance. I can't give away what I don't have.

I had gotten away from a lot of the meditation I use to do. I stopped lighting candles. I stopped using my crystals. I still took time in the morning. I still took time during the day when I came upon a situation. As Osho says, "Even doing dishes" can be a form of meditation and a connection with God.

When I go to post, I always ask that I be guided in what I say and the choices I make. It has always been the Serenity Prayer, Third Step Prayer and the Seventh Step Prayer for me. The asking for help and the getting out of the way, so God can work through me instead of going around me.

I also had to learn to not take on what is not mine! That was a big one. I was and still can be a perpetual sponge that just seemed to absorb other people's stuff! I took it all personal.

Acceptance is the key to my sobriety. Accepting what is allows me to keep my emotions balanced. Without it, I can be off the charts. What I don't find acceptable, I ask to leave. I accept and love my son, I did not love and accept his behavior. His going away to treatment through my life out of balance and made me realize how much I had depended on him to do things for me. His talk of leaving for B.C. turned my life out of balance again after I got to a place of acceptance. My life doesn't depend on him being in it. It just seemed empty and void with him gone, because his father left when he was 2 months old and there has always been him and me, even when we never lived together. So I as a result of that void, I had to fill it up with spiritual things. I had to bring my life back into balance. Reach out and ask for help. It has been a grieving process.

The other day I met someone who said to me, "Giving rides home to people from meetings is not AA's job." What ever happened to, "Get yourself to a meeting and you will always get a ride home." I can get out in the day light hours, but have difficulties at night. With my sleeping patterns being off, I am not always awake to go to morning meetings. My recovery has been online for several years, without it, I would not be sober today. Many nights when I have been in pain, I have gone to sites and looked at old posts to find the spiritual food I needed. Have never done chat rooms except at three recovery sites. Another Empty Bottle which is no longer, Essence of Recovery, where I use to chair a weekly meeting, and Milkman's Circle for Recovery.

The last time I asked the doctor for help with my sleeping, he wrote a prescription for Clonazapam." I refused to take them. For one thing they are for anxiety disorder and panic attacks and I don't have either. I did prior to recovery. I haven't had them for the last 12 years. Before that in part, but there were occasions prior to that time when I was 7 years sober. I had migraines for the first 7 years of my recovery and haven't had one bad enough to put me in bed let alone in the hospital since then.

God has been very good to me. "We have the tools to apply to our life. Life doesn't always get better, we do. I have a lot of the same issues that I had when I came into recovery, the arthritis, sleep disorder, eating disorder, relationships, a son who chooses to use, and the list goes on, but one day at a time, I choose not to use. I choose to use the 12 Steps. The help balance my life.

Balance is so important in my life and is so hard to maintain because of my fibromyalgia and the chronic fatigue and pain that goes along with it.

It is important that I balance my chakras and centering myself, not trying to balance myself with what is around me.

www.quotegarden.com/chakras.html

Trying to be there for myself and others is not always easy. Often I have to look at what is my priority for the day and try to live my life with that goal in mind. It often means I can't always do what I want to do and I have to accept it and know that I am as powerless over that disease as I am over my codependency and addiction although I hesitate to separate them. The 12 Steps can be applied to both and I must remember that in order to maintain a sense of balance, I need to live the program in all areas of my life.

I am grateful that I no longer have the peaks and valleys of the emotional roller coaster I was on in early recovery.

[MajestyJo]

Today will be different because I have a choice today.
A choice to drink or not drink.
A choice to use or not use.
AA/NA
Has given me a a choice
There once was a time when I went to sleep I was thinking of the morning when I could smoke the left handed lucky I had rolled for the trip to the bathroom in the morning.
I did not like to drink in the morning but I have had Whitecastles and Beer for breakfast before.
I liked to get a little high in the morning and drink at night.
I look back and wonder in amazement that I survived
my addiction.
I have a choice today that is why it will be different

Using was not an option. By the time I came to the doors of recovery, it was do or die. I realized that I had a lot of choices to make, because choices could lead me back to using again. I used pills to get off of alcohol, and that didn't work, in the end I was using both.

In recovery, I found the same soul sickness when I used my computer, food, and busy, to take me out of myself and helped me to stuff my feelings. I was heading for a relapse. I had to apply the 12 Steps to ALL areas of my life.

As it says in the quote, today I am not surviving, I am living. That is why I can't allow my pain to rule my life. I have to keep on doing, one day at a time.

Mender1

Drinking is still not an option. It is nice to see words that don't grow old that still hold true in today.

Today, I had pain that hit the top of the chart twice, really scared me. New pain, unusual pain, and when I stopped, because I am given that moment to pause and think, it is because I am coming off the medication the doctor gave me and my body is doing weird things. I have to recognize this and not go into a panic mode and immediately reach for a pill bottle, but reach for a crystal and go into prayer mode.

My Fibromyalgia has been triggered badly by the stress in my life and a lot has been happening, the pain is much worse than usual, but thanks to this program, I don't have to pick up. I might not always be able to be able to sit at the computer, but I know I don't have to go back to where I came from.

Today I had major healing, I have faith in the program and I have faith in the healing power of my God.

[MajestyJo]

"Normal" Eating

The idea that we will one day be able to eat spontaneously, like normal people, is a delusion. We compulsive overeaters tend to think that once we lose our excess pounds, we can go back to "normal" eating. Not so.

From Food for Thought

Still have a chuckle at the word normal. I still say in my head, "Normal compared to what?" When it is normal compared to me, gosh only knows what you will end up with."

I may have been in recovery for a few 24 hours, but that doesn't mean I am 'normal' or that I am a staid old woman of 72, who acts her age. What does 72 look like?

My day certainly isn't normal, but that is what allows me to come here and post on the site.

My primary purpose is to carry the message of recovery, so that is why I do what I do. Without that, I don't have a life unless I am directed else where. So far that has't happened.

It started with a friend of a friend building me a computer for $100. The young guy could not read or write. It had a 1 gig hard drive and I was able to get on line. I found a Site called Another Empty Bottle. The boyfriend bought me a computer. Then it was followed by me going to March of Dimes for a computer course and I walked away with a certificate for Business Administration on Computers. I ended up with 15 sites of my own and now they are gone.

You never know where life is going to take you.

[MajestyJo]

Sorry I have gotten behind in posting, not just in my day to day readings but on recovery material.

Things are a bit slow, and concentration isn't so good. The mind is willing but the flesh is willing and I am struggling with myself, wanting to continue and not wanting to quit, which to me is failure to meet my responsibilities.

I still haven't done yesterday's readings, and though they are available and not lost, the fact that they are late, means that someone is missing out. They are good any time, yet for me, each has a purpose, and they are good at any given time, they are especially good, on the day they are meant to be. Not sure that even makes sense, probably not, yet there is a sense that this is a one day at a time program, and a reading for today, is meant to be read today.

So with that thought in mind, I am going to take a break, go down to the pharmacy and get the antibiotic that the doctor ordered for me. The nurse said if it doesn't help my nasal infection, then I need to call on Monday to get an appointment.

The readings help me too. It helps me and helps me to get out of self by reading them.

Just because I feel less than doesn`t mean I am less than. That is the old way of thinking, and it is progress not perfection.

[honeydumplin]

Your posts are appreciated, and I hope you get well.

There was something that I had received in an e-mail awhile back.
Since it has to do with message, and newcomer, this may be a good place
for it.

AA's Future
I don't know the source, it was forwarded to me.
Makes interesting reading and food for thought.
Whether you agree or not, this is a powerful and
disturbing subject: For all those interested in
the future of our AA fellowship.

What Happened? That question is being asked by a lot
of alcoholics lately. What happened to our high
success rate? 30 & 40 years ago, we were keeping 75%
or more of the alcoholics who came to us for help.
Today, we aren't keeping even 5%. What happened?

What happened to that wonderful A.A. Group that was
around for 20, 30 or 40 years? There used to be 50, 75, 100 or more
at every meeting. It is now a matter of history,
gone! More and more groups are folding every day.
What happened? We hear a lot of ideas, opinions and
excuses as to what happened but things are not
improving. They continue to get worse. What is
happening?

Bill W. wrote, "In the years ahead A.A. will, of
course, make mistakes. Experience has taught us that
we need have no fear of doing this, providing that
we always remain willing to admit our faults and to
correct them promptly. Our growth as individuals has
depended upon this healthy process of trial and
error. So will our growth as a fellowship. Let us
always remember that any society of men and women
that cannot freely correct its own faults must
surely fall into decay if not into collapse. Such is
the universal penalty for the failure to go on
growing. Just as each A.A. must continue to take his
moral inventory and act upon it, so must our whole
Society if we are to survive and if we are to serve
usefully and well." (A.A. Comes of Age, PG 231) With
so very few finding lasting sobriety and the
continued demise of AA groups , it is obvious that
we have not remained willing to admit our faults and
to correct them promptly. Seems to me that the
Delegate of the North east Ohio Area, Bob Bacon,
identified our mistakes and our faults when he
talked to a group of AA's in 1976. He said, in
essence, we are no longer showing the newcomer that
we have a solution for alcoholism. We are not
telling them about the Big Book and how very
important that Book is to our long-term sobriety. We
are not telling them about our Traditions and how
very important they are to the individual groups and
to Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole. Rather, we are
using our meeting time for drunkalogs, a discussion
of our problems, ideas and opinions or "my day" or
"my way".

Having been around for a few years, and reflecting
on what Bob Bacon had to say, it would appear that
we have permitted newcomers to convince the
old-timers that they have a better idea. They had
just spent 30 or more days in a treatment facility
where they had been impressed with the need to talk
about their problems in Group Therapy Sessions. They
had been told that it didn't make any difference
what their real problem was; A.A. had the "best
program". They were told that they should go to an
A. A. meeting every day for the 1st 90 days out of
treatment. They were told that they shouldn't make
any major decisions for the 1st year of their
sobriety. And what they were told goes on and on,
most of which are contrary to the Program of
Alcoholics Anonymous! Apparently, what they were
told sounded pretty good to the A.A. members who
were here when the TC clients started showing up at
our meetings. And a lot of the A.A. members liked
the idea of the treatment centers because the
centers provided a place where they could drop off a
serious drinker, if he/she had insurance. That
eliminated some of the inconveniences we had been
plagued with before; having to pour orange juice and
honey or a shot of booze down a vibrating alky to
help them "detox".

When A.A. was very successful,
the folks who did the talking in meetings were
recovered alcoholics. The suffering and untreated
alcoholics listened. After hearing what it takes to
recover, the newcomer was faced with a decision;
"Are you going to take the Steps and recover or are
you going to get back out there and finish the job?"
If they said they "were willing to go to any
length", they were given a sponsor, a Big Book and
began the process of recovery by taking the Steps
and experiencing the Promises that result from that
course of action. This process kept the newcomer
involved in working with others and continued the
growth of our Fellowship. Our growth rate was
approximately 7% and the number of sober members of
Alcoholics Anonymous doubled every 10 years. With
the advent of the rapid growth of the Treatment
Industry, the acceptance of our success with
alcoholics by the judicial system and endorsement of
physicians, psychiatrist, psychologist , etc. all
kinds of people were pouring into A.A. at a rate
greater than we had ever dreamed possible. Almost
without realizing what was happening, our meetings
began changing from ones that focused on recovery
from alcoholism to "discussion or participation"
types of meetings that invited everyone to talk
about whatever was on their mind. The meetings
evolved from a program of spiritual development to
the group therapy type of meeting where we heard
more and more about "our problems" and less and less
about the Program of Recovery by the Big Book and
the preservation of our Fellowship by adhering to
our Traditions.

What has been the result of all this? Well, never
have we had so many coming to us for help. But never
have we had such a slow growth rate which has now
started to decline. For the first time in our
history, Alcoholics Anonymous is losing members
faster than they are coming in and our success rate
is unbelievably low. (Statistics from the
Inter-Group Office of some major cities indicate
less than 5% of those expressing a desire to stop
drinking is successful for more than 5 years; a far
cry from the 75% reported by Bill W. in the Forward
to Second Edition). The change in the content of our
meetings is proving to be misery-traps for the
newcomer and in turn, misery-traps for the groups
that depend on the "discussion or participation"
type meetings.

Why is this? The answer is very simple. When
meetings were opened so that untreated alcoholics
and non-alcoholics were given the opportunity to
express their ideas, their opinions, air their
problems and tell how they were told to do it where
they came from, the confused newcomer became more
confused with the diversity of information that was
being presented. More and more they were encouraged
to "just go to meetings and don't drink" or worse
yet, "go to 90 meetings in 90 days". The newcomer no
longer was told to take the Steps or get back out
there and finish the job. In fact, they are often
told, "Don't rush into taking the Steps. Take your
time." The alcoholics who participated in the
writing of the Big Book didn't wait. They took the
Steps in the first few days following their last
drink. Thank God, there are those in our Fellowship,
like Joe & Charlie, Wally, etc., who have recognized
the problem and have started doing something about
it. They are placing the focus back on the Big Book.


There have always been a few groups that would not
yield to the group therapy trend. They stayed firm
to their commitment to try to carry a single message
to the suffering alcoholic. That is to tell the
newcomer "we have had a spiritual awakening as the
result of these Steps and if you want to recover, we
will see that you have a sponsor who has recovered
and will lead you along the path the 1st 100 laid
down for us".

Recovered alcoholics have begun founding groups that
have a single purpose and inform the newcomer that
until they have taken the steps and recovered, they
will not be permitted to say anything in meetings.
They will listen to recovered alcoholics, they will
take the Steps, they will recover and then they will
try to pass their experience and knowledge on to the
ones who are seeking the kind of help we provide in
Alcoholics Anonymous. As this movement spreads, as
it is beginning to, Alcoholics Anonymous will again
be very successful in doing the one thing God
intended for us to do and that is to help the
suffering alcoholic recover, if he has decided he
wants what we have and is willing to go to any
length to recover, to take and apply our Twelve
Steps to our lives and protect our Fellowship by
honoring our Twelve Traditions.

There is a tendency to want to place the blame for
our predicament on the treatment industry and
professionals. They do what they do and it has
nothing to do with what we in Alcoholics Anonymous
do. That is their business. That is not where to
place the blame and also is in violation of our
Tenth Tradition.

The real problem is that the members of Alcoholics
Anonymous, who were here when the "clients" began
coming to our Fellowship did not help the "clients"
understand that our Program had been firmly
established since April 1939, and that the
guidelines for the preservation and growth of our
Fellowship were adopted in 1950. That they must get
rid of their new "old ideas" and start practicing
the Twelve Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous as
it was given to us. That until they had taken the
taken the steps needed.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of saying something that can only be based on personal experience. In order to somehow avoid that, and also set a qualifier for my supposed hypocrisy, I'll go out on a limb and jump head first into the trap. Therefore, not only setting it, but setting it off too.

It's also easy for me to look at things much differently now, than I sought help, whereby a sort of self-righteous, pious, and demonstrative attitude has reared its ugly head, replacing the quiet, isolated, desperation that I awakened to every day for those last six months, when I had no idea who I was, or what I was, only that I did not want to be that any more.

And even that has changed so much more than it was ten or twelve years ago when I first walked into a room of A.A. The only thing I knew about the steps is that they were read at every meeting, and they'd taken the liberty to hang them on the wall so we could see them. No one said any specific thing about "working" them, "going through" them, or even revealing how the steps were affecting their day to day life.

The Big Book may has well been under lock and key. I was completely unaware of the fact that people actually had them, much less looked to them for guidance or anything. But there again, none of the above would have done me any good anyway. Sure, I'd tell you that I was an alcoholic, but I hadn't even got close to the unmanageability part of my life yet, nor was I fully convinced that there was that much of a problem with my drinking. I could drink just fine thank you very much. It was you who was having the problem with the way that I drank, not me.

In the most realistic manner of which it could have happened, that was THE most important thing that I had learned in those thirty days of going to that one meeting a week, was the fact that these people, these A.A.'s were seeing me exactly that way. I know this, because I would catch them telling me that I couldn't expect this to work because I was doing it for somebody else. This didn't make any sense to me at all. So I tried my best to fix it, by the only insane way that I knew at that point of how to alleviate the problem, and that was to distance myself from others as much as possible and therefore make it where I did not have to get sober for anyone else. It worked, but I'm kind of slow so it took awhile. Another ten years. I hadn't gone back out. I was never in.

There was no concept, even remotely, of what a bottom was. That hasn't changed either. I still think there's another one of those just waiting for me to redefine that whole scenario if I get insane enough to want to take the next drink. So it doesn't honestly make sense either to share about hitting anything other than what I hit, which for me was leaning out of the car at a stop light on tenth street and watching the scotch I had just drank end up down on the pavement in front of me, wondering what I had become for a brief moment, and then feeling much better, and thinking that I was okay again. I probably drank for several months after that. Hell, I drank two the day before my treatment started, just because they were in the refrigerator. I'm an alcoholic. Why would I have wasted it.

But that's me. That's my disease. Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Not love. Not freedom. Not joy. Not happiness. And yet I so desperately desired all of those, because I could see them in people like you, but much later than those that exposed this recovery to me originally, which were the counselors in what was called "group". I hate that word. Still do. I hated being "in group." Still do. I hated the people who were in the group, what they said, how they said it, and more importantly the attitude with which they said it. I thought they were phoney. One of the counselors was a recovering nicotine addict. She didn't know **** about taking a hit of crack. I guess I hated her more than anybody, and eventually got to the point to where I treated her as if she were piece of the wallpaper that I had to look at once or twice a week. Nothing more, nothing less.

Was I willing to go to any length during this process? Of course not. At that point, I'm sure I had no clue of what going to any length was. It wasn't until a couple of months later when I came face to face with two choices of either working a program, or going back out, knowing that I was going to die if I did, that I knew a glimpse of what going to any length was. But if I ask myself if I was going to any length at all. Yes, I was. I may have just been basically going through the motions in order to simply make it another day without a drink, but for once in quite some time, I was being honest with my own self about the whole thing. I began to listen to people, at times in like this unaware state, of just sitting there and trying to adapt to being in a room with other people without being high on something.

I started to become part of the "group" that I didn't care for, which for me that day, was going to any length. I just wasn't conscious of it. I wanted to be loved so bad, but really had no idea of what unconditional love was. I thought unconditional love was love that had no prerequisite. In other words, I thought it was you letting me do whatever I wanted to do, and loving me anyway. As it turns out, the best love I know of, has conditions, and in turn, expects conditions. In essence, it's conditional love that has no conditions to speak of. For the sake of discussion, I'd rather call it unconventional love, which really isn't love at all. It's more like attachment via proxy or something obtuse, that's for sure.
And this is where I want to conclude. The love that I began to experience for the first time definitely had some conditions that went with it, otherwise I wouldn't have had a desire to meet those conditions in order to experience it. There wasn't anything at all glamorous, or romantic, or even pleasurable about it. It was painful at times. It was working through what appeared to be a mine field in order to get through another day. It was very unconventional, in that it was nothing conventional about the way that it occurred.

It was an attachment via proxy in that, even though the person that I was working with was going to love me if I went out and got drunk, that I was distancing myself once again, by falling down on one of the only conditions he had laid down in order to be one of the closest friends I've ever had, which was to try my best to stay sober. Did I continue to meet those conditions? Of course not. Did it happen again? Yes. But this time, it was even more difficult getting back to square one, which again made me realize how very valuable what little sobriety I had was.

For without the condition of the valley, the peak, which to this day is ever present, could have not been appreciated with the same magnitude, had it not been for the ground work that was being laid, and the unwritten boundaries for the future. I mean this guy was trying to stay sober. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if I were going to insist on continuing to drink, that the "love" that he was extending to me through carrying the message, was going to suffer.

To sum up what I'm trying to say, I'm grateful that I was loved in this exact way by the people that I encountered in A.A. I can say that I wasn't catered to, wasn't coddled, wasn't laid down a red carpet, or offered a coffee clutch of groupies giving me unwarranted advice. Just a warm hand shake, and some words of encouragement that I'd found a home, and that you'd be there for me. Any more, or any less, would have more than likely screwed up my alcoholic mind more than it already was.

Thanks for letting me share this.

[MajestyJo]

Thank you, my computer froze, so took it as a good sign, couldn't even log out of the site. I closed my computer off, put on a clean top, put on some warm socks, put my shoes on, brushed my hair, put on the coat and out the door I went.

The bus came so I hopped it instead of walking downtown. I had a book to return to the library. As I walked by the express shelf, not one, but two of my favourite authors had new releases and I grabbed both. One had two copies, so I didn't feel too guilty as I am a fast reader when I set my mind to it. I only have one book due before they are due, three books in two weeks is nothing.

Didn't see anyone I know, which is always a good indicator that I wasn't running away from home, and all I bought was a half dozen raisin bran muffins and walked home. I just felt the body needed the break and the exercise. The brain needed the cobwebs blown away, and here I am back with a clearer mind, with a much more vigorous mind set that I had before.

[MajestyJo]

Didn't belong to a group to get my 30 month pin, I was later given one by a long-timer. I went from one end of the city to another, north and south, east and west. I ended up at the Hamilton Women's Discussion Group were they had discussion plus a Big Book discussion table and a beginners table which was Steps 1, 2, & 3 in rotation. They had an open meeting at the end of the month for anniversaries. They were known for their food. Men thought we discussed them and thought we were men haters. We were there because we loved men too much or we feared them or were angry at them, which was my case.

They closed the meeting in a circle, gave out hope stones and said The 12 Promises before the closing prayer. Couldn't find the serenity and the power like that in any other meeting, and even though I left after four years, it was my hope to take what I found there and pass it on. I took the circle to my next group. I ended up the only woman in the group. It was a 12 & 12 Discussion Group which had been missing in my program. I then moved onto an Open Discussion Group before I left AA and went to NA and from there to Al-Anon, to complete my circle of recovery. When I need a meeting, I go where I need to go in today. The 12 Steps are a common denominator.

Thanks for sharing.

[MajestyJo]

The Language Of Letting Go.

Taking Care of Ourselves Emotionally

What does it mean to take care of myself emotionally? I recognize when I'm feeling angry, and I accept that feeling without shame or blame.
I recognize when I'm feeling hurt, and I accept those feelings without attempting to punish the source of my pain. I recognize and feel fear when that emotion presents itself.

I allow myself to feel happiness, joy, and love when those emotions are available. Taking care of myself means I've made a decision that it's okay to feel.

Taking care of my emotions means I allow myself to stay with the feeling until it's time to release it and go on to the next one.
I recognize that sometimes my feelings can help point me toward reality, but sometimes my feelings are deceptive. They are important, but I do not have to let them control me. I can feel, and think too.
I talk to people about my feelings when that's appropriate and safe.
I reach out for help or guidance if I get stuck in a particular emotion.

I'm open to the lessons my emotions may be trying to teach me. After I feel, accept, and release the feeling, I ask myself what it is I want or need to do to take care of myself.

Taking care of myself emotionally means I value, treasure, explore, and cherish the emotional part of myself.

Today, I will take care of myself emotionally. I will be open to, and accepting of, the emotional part of myself and other people. I will strive for balance by combining emotions with reason, but I will not allow intellect to push the emotional part of myself away.

Whatever I am thinking right now is creating how I am feeling. I turn to positive and loving thoughts because I choose to feel good. --Ruth Fishel

I have to work on my emotional sobriety daily. Going through a very emotional time at the moment with my son and where he is at in the, my two sisters`health issues, supporting my two best friends through difficult times, my friend Bert going into surgery, not to mention my own health, which thank the good Lord is getting better, at least better than it was. As I shared with my sponsor today, I am not sure if I am just numb, or whether it is just peace and calm within the storm of the chaos.

Found myself reacting to a pigeon on my balcony this morning. He just wouldn`t co-operate and fly out the hole I made for him in the netting. I thought I made it quite obvious for him as to how he was suppose to get out, I even put down cracker crumbs to tempt him. He was so dumb and waited so long, they blew away, the stupid bird. I finally gave up after arguing with him for almost two hours and called the superintendent on duty at 1 p.m. to help me get rid of him. At least I remembered to apologize for interrupting his Sunday dinner.

[MajestyJo]

Sobriety is soundness of mind.

I have to work on my soundness of mind daily.

That means my emotional sobriety. I haven't had a drink in 23 years. That means I am sober.

Do you have emotional hangovers from the day before?

Do you lay your emotions to rest when you go to bed at night or do you pick them up when you get up in the morning?

What do you do with your emotions? Do you acknowledge them? Do you ignore them? Perhaps you pick up a cigarette or decide you are hungry?

Are you feeling comfortable being with yourself or are you feeling a little antsy? Do you need to pick up a book or turn the TV on? Do the normal programs no longer satisfy your mind and your normal routine not fill up your mind. Is something leaking into your mind that you don't want there that you are wanting to avoid? Just maybe you should look at it, perhaps it is a sign.
Maybe your God is giving you a little nudge.

I thought these sights were closed. I have been telling everyone they were. The format is changed, and I am not sure if I can respond to anythings posted here, but I felt led here tonight, so there must have been a very good reason.

Love Always,

Jo

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/...tions/messages

[MajestyJo]

This disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and it is a family disease. I don't know when I crossed over from being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic to being an active alcoholic/addict. I remember the first taste of my drink at 10, was given Valium and 16, didn't start drinking until 21, but didn't drink regularly until I was 27.

When I made the decision to quit, my way I was 41. Figured men where my problem, (and they can be if I allow it to happen, I lived my life through many people in my lifetime) and never got more than three months at one time. When I came to the program at 49, I was able to stay stopped. The biggest part of my recovery has been service. The best way to get out of me and my problems is to help someone else; yet I can use other people to not look at my own issues, so I need the balance of meetings, a sponsor, outside interests, and working the Twelve Steps into my life.

It is a living program. Not a one time "fix" or a remedy to cure my "ills", it is about me learning to live instead of existing and living in the shadow of others and life.

Service helped me with my self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth.

Just keep coming, don't leave until the miracle happens. You may be the only Big Book someone will ever be willing to see.

This was posted on another site in 2003. I am still so grateful that I found AA before I found ACoA or I may have died in my denial. I was so caught up in the blame game, that I couldn't see myself.

I kept saying: I am not as bad as they are. I didn't do what they did. I was embarrassed for them. I put my life on hold for them. After all I did for them, how could they do this to me. I compared instead of identified. The list goes on, and on, an on....

[MajestyJo]

Addictions rule a persons life, but it's always someone
else's fault....

Playing the blame game

Did that for so many years. Blamed my father for my alcoholism because he was an alcoholic and my isms came from my mother who used food and had her own addiction because she couldn't deal with his. It killed her at the age of 40. I also thought she was lazy and accused her of a lot of things like not caring, especially not taking care of herself. Not knowing that he was running around on her and never home, and leaving her with no money and transportation on a farm a mile away from the nearest neighbor with three girls. I also believe in today that she had fibromyalgia. I later became his drinking buddy and blamed him for keeping me awake and losing time from work because of his drinking and not looking at my own. Blamed my husband because I felt that I didn't have a problem until I met him and then I had to drink to be able to stand to be around him. No thought of taking responsibility for my son and myself and leaving. I was told it was my responsibility as the oldest daughter to take care of my dad. He kicked us out because of 'our' drinking and died six weeks later as a result of his own. A major guilt trip for not being there. He had no desire to quit or let go of his grief for the loss of his long time girlfriend.

That old adage, if you had a husband like I had, if you had a boss like I had, if you had parents like I had, you would drink too. Always about the big "I" and aren't I just wonderful. A perfect example of a self-righteous sinner.

Posted in 2009

Choosing to learn, rather than wallow in pain is always the best option.....

My son still blames me in today, for his addiction. He was 25 years old when I came into recovery. Here I am 23 years later, still in recovery and it is still my fault.

I am a firm believe that we are products of our environment. It is often how we respond to what is around us, and how we react to it; and for me, it was, "If you can't beat them, join them." Where with my sisters, they wanted no part and stayed away and I chose the path of rebellion. I was the daughter of a preacher's son who married the village drunk's son. It was quite a combo if you wanted to compare and point fingers. I had to learn to identify my part, look at me, and take ownership for my part. Not just my addiction to prescription pills and alcohol, but my codependency, my dis-ease as an adult child of an alcoholic and the daughter of a mother of a food addict, and the wife of an alcoholic and the mother of a self-admitted alcoholic/addict.

A lot of labels and a lot of ifs and and buts, but it all boiled down to, "I am sick and I need help." The solution were the 12 Steps that came from AA, and were applicable to my life and allowed me to heal too.

[MajestyJo]

Styles of Distorted Thinking
Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation.

Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground.

Over Generalization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.

Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to tell how people are feeling about you.

Catastrophizing: You expect a disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start, "What if's?" What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?

Personalization: You think everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.

Control Fallacies: You feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control makes you feel responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you.

Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but are sure that other people won't agree with you.

Blaming: You hold others responsible for your pain, or else you blame yourself for every problem or reversal.

Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act or feel. People who break these rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them yourself.

Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid or boring.

Fallacy of Change: You expect that others will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes and happiness seems to depend on them.

Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment. When you make a mistake, instead of describing your error, you say: "I'm a loser." If someone irritates you, you label them, "He's a louse."

Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct.

Heaven's Reward: You expect all of your sacrifices and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score.

by Adult Children Anonymous

Have had similiar thoughts about my fibromyalgia. People who don't have it just don't understand how it affects you. I look perfectly healthy and look like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. How can you explain to someone, that you just don't have the energy to sit up in a chair and that you have to go and lie down.

My doctor told me to throw away my high heels and to quit driving ten years ago. It took a long time to find acceptance. Any time something like this happens, it is a great grieving process for me until I can find the acceptance. I too had to detach from family and friends.

I still find myself trying to justify my existance and looking for approval because I often feel less than as a result of my dis-ease. It is not as bad as it was, but God and I are still working on it.


Quote:


"Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are. Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.

Excerpts Language of Letting Go, February 18."

Posted in 2009.

This is a one day at a time program. It is about my connection to my God, working my program, and how willing I am to practice it in all areas of my life. It just isn't about drinking and drugging, it is about my thinking that can take me out of myself, instead of going within, to connect with the Spirit within.

The following was a result of reading this post on another site.

[MajestyJo]

In a lot of pain tonight, and the words of the reading from Food for Thought came to mind: "When we abstain, we sometimes fear that we will be overwhelmed with the emotional pain that is no longer buried with food. By turning this distress over to our Higher Power, we are able to survive it and learn from it.

I give You the pain that I cannot handle."

I have rubbed my feet with Voltaren, used message and acupressure, and asked for what I needed to release the pain. I was responsible for a lot of it because I went downtown and didn't sit and put my feet up and didn't rest, just went here and there and didn't allow myself a time out. I did have breakfast, but haven't had any protein and just now realized that I should have had some yogurt and fibre besides the fruit I had. To add to my sins, I had a couple of brownies, instead of having the grilled cheese I thought of making. I took out a slice of cottage roll which is still defrosting, which isn't appealing and seems to be too heavy to have when all I want and need is some sleep.

I forgot my water bottle so bought one and proceeded to forget to drink it, so was dehydrated. I did drink my juice, but that isn't enough fluid. I am diabetic. Then I wonder why I am in pain, and then I go DUH!!!! I not only have to surrender the pain, but the thinking!

The reading from The Language of Letting Go also came to play in my life today:

We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us. We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.

Learn to let others be there for us.

When I came home this afternoon, I took the bedding off my bed and washed it so that ALL my laundry was done. I was tired and I was hurting and my feet were so sore they felt like they were bleeding. I just had to do it, because the Country Music Assoc. Christmas special was on tonight and I had to be free to relax and watch it. (Just a little self will) I didn't bother to bag everything, pillows, comforter and sheets, just folded it up and put it on my walker. I was doing a balancing act going out the door of the laundry room and a woman said, "Could you use some help?" I said, "Yes please, I am having a bit of difficulty." I didn't even choke on the words. I even told her that my morning meditation had said to be willing to ask for help. She said, "Any time dear, any time." When we don't, we are the losers.

Now I have to go for the ice pack as my bean bath isn't cutting it. The muscle spasms are from over extending myself and trying to do on 3 hours sleep.

One of my stops in the mall today was to a shop called Harmony. It has crystals and other nature things. They have a new thing, clothes made from natural fibres. I looked up their crystal chart to see what I needed. It was green tourmaline. Unfortunately, they didn't have any, but fortunately, I now know what I need. It was listed under several health issues, blood pressure, sense of smell (having sinus problems).

Green Tourmaline, also known as Verdelite, is perhaps Nature's best healing crystal of the physical heart, channeling its electrical energies into the center of one's being and creating a flow of wholesome energy to all parts of the body and self. It is the masculine, or yang counterpart to the feminine heart energies of Pink Tourmaline, and enhances courage and strength, stamina and vitality. Its spiritual vibrations harmonize with the energies of the Earth as it opens the Heart Chakra and stimulates a strong resonance with Divine Love

I don't have the stone. I do have a deck of crystal cards with the stone on it, so will do a meditation with them before I go to bed.

Thanks for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

MERRY CHRISTMAS THE A.A. WAY

'Twas the night before Christmas, we were all in the club, Enjoying a meeting, instead of the pub. The ashtrays were clean, and the coffee was made, The Big Books were out and we all had prayed. When out in the lot, there arose such a clatter, We all jumped up to see what was the matter. The Chair with his Big Book, and I with my smokes, Headed outside to find these two blokes. They came on inside and sat at the table; And said that they'd chair, as soon as they're able. To start with, they aid, "It's more than not drinking; It's doing your best to fix your sick thinking." "Think, Think, Think!" and the slogans we used, Help keep the newcomer from getting confused. Step 1 is a start, they said we should know, But after Step 2, we'll be all aglow. We make a decision when we got to Step 3; Step 4 was real tough, we all could agree. Step 5 is the one where we let it all out, And after Steps 6 and 7, we're left with no doubt. When we got to Step 8, we made our list; And then with Step 9, we have to persist. After Step 9, the promises ring true; We didn't just make that up, right out of the blue.

After that, it's on with the rest; The things we must do, to be our best. They put on their coats and got ready to leave; A pretty good end, for this Christmas Eve. As to their names, we only could guess; Must have been Bill W. and Dr. Bob S. The two men hopped into a '35 Ford, And as they pulled out, one of them roared: "We leave this message, for our sisters and brothers: trust God, clean house, and be of service to others. And for all of you people, I just want to say: have a nice holiday, but don't drink today!" Today I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is an old-timer walking ahead of me with a lantern.

Author unknown

Have a safe and sober holiday.

[MajestyJo]

He is Not Limited by Your Limitations

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“Is anything too hard for the LORD? ...”
(Genesis 18:14, NIV)
TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

If you could see what God has stored up for you, the people you’re going to meet, the places you’re going to go, the good breaks that are going to find you, you would be amazed. It’s going to be the surpassing greatness of God’s favor. But too often, we make excuses. We come up with reasons why this is not going to happen for us. “Well, that sounds good, but I don’t have the training, the talent, the connections.” Or, “I come from the wrong family. I’m the wrong nationality. I’m too short. I’ll never come into my garden.”

No, God is not limited by your circumstances, your family or who is against you. When God breathed His life into you, He put a blessing on you that overrides anything that comes against you! The blessings God has stored up for you cannot be stopped by people, bad breaks or injustice. God has the final say. Be encouraged today because God is taking you to a place of blessing. Don’t focus on your circumstances; focus on your God because He is not limited by your limitations!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father, thank You for blessing me beyond what I can see. Thank You for empowering me to rise above my circumstances and any limitations to boldly embrace the blessing You have for me in Jesus’ name. Amen!

Today I was debating with myself, kept telling myself that I needed to get out before the weather hit big time. I had a hard time getting outside of the door. I kept trying to talk myself out of going, even though I knew if I didn't go this afternoon, there was a good chance I would get snowed in for at least two days. It was after 4 p.m. before I left the house. I was limiting myself. I kept telling myself I couldn't do it and as I walked to the bus stop, I was having muscle spasms and pain and I had to breathe through it and ask for help.

As I walked to the bus stop, three buses went by and I told myself it was a sign that I needed to turn around and go home, especially when I had to wait almost ten minutes for another bus (not that I was in a hurry or on a time schedule). There hasn't been sun for several days and I felt like I hadn't had that connection I needed to give me what I needed to do what I needed to do what I needed to get things done. When I think of it, it is really dumb, the sun is shining some where in the world, it is there even if I can't see it and where was my faith??? As I walked along, gave myself a talking to and said a prayer, the pain eased and by the time I got to the grocery store, things were much better.

I knew I needed to go, I had prayed and asked for the inner knowing and the guidance, so once I was there, it was like my God had me by the hand. First off was my fruit bottom all natural yogourt (NOT STIRRED) for $4.99, then marbled cheddar cheese 460 g Cracker Bell for $3.99, and cookie and muffin mix 2 for $7. and my Stouffer TV dinners 2 for $5. which are regularly $3.69 each. I bought 12 TV dinners. I also got butter for $3.99.

It may not seem much to some people, but those are extra special, specials to me. They were bought with gift cards given to me by my niece. I have had $50 worth of gift cards for 4 days. Normally, I get money and I have to go out and spend it. The day I get it is the day it is to be spent. For me to have it so long is a miracle, even though I have been in recovery for 23 years. God and I still work on this a day at a time.

Told myself I was pushing things and trying to make things happen by going out today instead of waiting for payday on Friday and yet I just knew that I had to go out today. For one thing, I had been housebound too long, and I needed to get out and get some fresh air.

Normally, when I go out I connect with someone when I go out, but my God had already put my friend Bert in my path today. He phoned me to say he had gotten some chicken and he didn't like it and did I want to try it. He didn't want to throw it out. I went and got it and I wouldn't eat it but I gave it to my son. So there was some giving and sharing and some blessings, and all told, a very good day.

Thanks for letting me share.