If You Want What We Have

[bluidkiti]

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For a girl without a self, I was pretty stubborn.
ELEANOR ANTIN

Newcomer
I feel good today. Thank God I’ve got my willpower back again. I’ve seen the light: I just have to be strong and stay away from addictive substances.

Sponsor
I prefer the word “willingness” to “willpower.” For me, willpower means forcing myself to do something disagreeable and self-depriving because someone else thinks I should. The trouble with relying on willpower—for me—is that I’m still a rebel in my heart of hearts. Give me something to rebel against, and, it time, I will. Though I may feel guilty when I break the rules, my rebelling somehow comforts me: It’s familiar. It lets me feel like my old self. It lets me say, “This is me, whether they like it or not!”

Willingness, on the other hand, means making a free, open choice to let in the message of recovery. It doesn’t mean always having to be strong. It doesn’t mean having to have all the answers. If we have willingness, we can show up at meetings, listen, and feel supported by the presence of other recovering people and by the laughter in the room. We can grow in recovery through practicing the program and participating in the fellowship.

For today, I don’t try to be strong. I go easy on myself by attending a meeting where I can relax and be myself. I enjoy listening to others share their experience.