Defects of Character

[MajestyJo]

Moral/Immoral

"Coming to believe in a Higher Power gives us a new, broader
perspective. We learn the security of trusting eternal values
and moral principles. - - "Food for Thought"

For me it was about self-honesty that made the difference. I had cloaked myself in denial for so long that it was important to truly look at myself and stop comparing myself with others and take a good look at who I really was. It was important to look at the positive as well as the negative and use the Steps to change.

Posted in 2010. I used the word compare here, but it wasn't the right word to use. I had to identify, not compare. When I compared, I stayed sick.

Self-honesty didn't come easy, especially when aided by my judgmental attitude.

Those rose-coloured glasses can be deceiving. They can lighten up a blighten up a scenery, especially if in our mind we don't want to go there.

Recover takes work, and as we go through the Steps, we become enlightened and more honest.

For example: I was raised to be a good Christian girl, who went to church 3 times on Sunday. I was dressed 'up' in prissy clothes, frills (ugh), gloves, nylons and garter belts. I know, I am old. I was born in 1942, the year the war was ending.

That same girl became very outgoing, very social, and loved attention, especially if you are going to buy me a drink. I had a mouth that was totally garbage, and I the abused became the abuser,not only of others but to herself. As a girl in recovery said, when she saw my old dart team picture, "I don't think I would have liked to have been your friend back then."

I acted out in my disease and it changed me. That person isn't here any more, neither is the upright self-righteous Christian girl that I was raised to be.

The program is about change. Why would I want to remain in my disease? As my sponsor said, "You have been transformed like a butterfly." Thank God for the freedom of recovery.

[MajestyJo]

PROCRASTINATE/DO IT

“If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard,
just keep putting off doing it.” —Olin Miller

Well I do admit to being a procrastinator. I always procrastinate when it comes to housework. I just know it isn't going to go away even if I do decide to run away from home.

I got ready to go downtown, tired myself out and never got out the door. My hip was just paining too much, so it looks like an easy, lazy day for me. I may try to do a few of those odds and ends that I haven't taken time for lately.

I bought colouring books and crayons for a change up and something to do different, with the hope of getting back into oils. They are still in the package I brought them home in.

It looks like today will be a day of golf, both British and Canadian. I will take a peek in to see what is happening and watch the finals tomorrow.

So many times, I have to tell myself "Just do it!" That is how I got up, washed, dressed, and ready to get out the door. I had my hands on the handle bars of my walker, reaching for the door and decided, I just wasn't up to it. That is a big concession for me. I do need to go to the library. I do need to go to the market. Yet going there will be more harmful than helpful, I am not procrastinating, I am just not well enough to do it and I need to accept the fact and quit pushing myself.

The sad thing is it took more pain to get to that stage. It started as a twinge and a leg that kept giving out to a leg that hurts from the waist to the tip of my toes in the space of an hour and a half. I generally listen to my body and yet there are times when I totally ignore it and push through the pain and do it by heck or by golly. This is not right. It is going back into old patterns and it is self-abuse and lack of acceptance.

"Every vice has its excuse ready." —Publilius Syrus

"Don't make excuses, make good." —Elbert Hubbard

"An excuse is worse than a lie, for an excuse is a lie, guarded." — Alexander Pope

One of my challenges is that there is just me, and too many clothes and things and I can 'put things off' before I have to give them my full attention.

Procrastination gives me an excuse to run away from home and myself.

[MajestyJo]

envy/generosity

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/envy

Saw these on a list and really didn't associate the two together.

I can see being envious of the person who has to give. We can all give, it doesn't have to be money.

We can all make time to give in many different ways. Sometimes it is just an ear to listen or a shoulder to be cried on.

As an Aries, it said, and I found it was true, that we are good starters and good leaders, but not good finishers. I lose interest and I am onto look at the next thing and want to hand things over to someone else, because if I didn't, I would have too many irons in the fire.

I think I have also been told that I have adult attention deficit disorder.

Wanting what someone else has is a waste of time and energy. Be thankful for what the Good Lord has given you.

[MajestyJo]

jealousy/trust

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jealous

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

I couldn't see these two together either until I saw the first link, I saw it more as the second one.

My attitude was "Your not woman enough to steel my man and if you are, you can have him." After having a cheating husband, didn't want any more like that so if he would leave me for you, you can have him. Ironically, everyone thought I was after their man, and I wouldn't have taken them in a lucky bag, I wasn't looking, but for some reason, I kept finding them or tripping over them. That is not an ego thing, I had a lot of male friends. They felt comfortable with me because I allowed them to be themselves and I didn't put on a prissy act to get there attention, I was just myself and told things as I saw it. Another reason was that the women didn't travel from group to group, but I did, so I met the men from all the groups and therefor I was well known. It was do or die for me, and I chose to live.

Gossip and jealousy almost drove me out of the rooms. If I didn't trust the program and my God, I would have died. I thought it was ironic, all my life I thought I was ugly. My Native American Co-Sponsor sat me down one day and said, accept it Jo, you are a very beautiful woman, inside and out. I looked at her shocked and didn't believe her. Took me many years to come to believe.

[MajestyJo]

Aware of others -or- Self-centered

This has been an issue the last few weeks, probably because I have been so upset about what is going on with my landlord, my son, and a lot of my health issues. A lot of what I call compounded interest, I would work away at the surface, but never seemed to get to the bottom of things or get an answer or the results I needed to resolve things.

Here is a post I made in 2011:

Looked at this earlier but ran out of time. I was thinking of it on the way home. I try to be aware of the people around me and it always amazes me how people seem to just rush around, turn a blind eye to everything and everyone around them.

Pushing my walker to the bus stop, I had to stop and let several people go by me, had to go around a couple of obstacles. A woman sat in the handicapped section when I got on the bus, she didn't have a walker just a shopping cart. I asked if she could move it to let me buy but she couldn't so I lifted it up for her. I didn't ask her to move because she was elderly, much older than I am.

I watched a woman take two kids across the street on a Don't Walk and thought, is that what you are teaching them to do, what are they going to do when you aren't with them?

Even in my addiction, I had manners although on certain occasions they went out the window because I didn't care. In today I care and every time I see someone uptown, especially someone who I have seen in the rooms, begging, panhandling and drunk on the street, I thank them for carrying the message to me.

If they are using, I am the last person in the world they want to see. I don't acknowledge them, unless they say hello to me first.

In today, it is about the newcomer and carrying the message of recovery. I know my first sponsor had what I wanted. I looked at her and she oozed peace and serenity. I didn't think I would ever get there. I phoned my NA sponsor and spiritual adviser because I told him my day was 'off' and I didn't know what was wrong. I proceeded to share my day and he finally said, "Do you think it is possible that you just might have found some serenity?" I was floored. I know it in today and cherish it.

continued...

[MajestyJo]

When I am in pain, I can be on both sides of this chip. For the most part though, when in pain, I know it is best to get out of self and help others. It is a good thing that I now post on six sites besides this one, as I have been in a lot of pain lately.

When I was using, it was about me with little thought of others. In today, I am much more aware and not only care, try to follow things up with action. There is feeling behind the thought.

When I haven't heard from my sister, I pick up the phone. For me, it is not good to go without contact with family for long periods of time. Unfortunately, for the most part, my family doesn't always feel the same way. Generally there is a want or a need to vent behind the call.

I try to be there for others although last night, even though I set a boundary, it was ignored and I had to reinforce it at 3 a.m. this morning. I later felt bad, because I had to end a conversation, but the heat was getting to me and my apartment was like a sauna. If they had wanted to talk recovery, I would have made more of an effort to talk.

More from 2011

The nice thing is that people give in different ways. We all have our niche, a place we can identify with, while at other places we would be totally lost. We give the way we can.

Today was a good example. In the elevator today, on my way home from downtown, I spoke to a lady who lives in my building. She had been waiting for the bus with me, and got off the bus a stop before I did. We ended going up in the elevator together. She never spoke or acknowledged me, often in the past, she wouldn't respond even if I said hello. She always seems to have this sour, grumpy look on her face, and I feel bad and sad for her. She didn't smile but she did respond when I talked to her.

How awful to go through life and be unaware of the people around you. Even worse, not caring about them and shutting yourself off from them. I had those walls up for far too many years. I know it gives me a lift when someone says hello when they pass me on the street.

For me, recovery belongs inside and outside of the meeting rooms and needs to be practiced in my home, at work, and in the community.

[MajestyJo]

Acceptance/Anger

“Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement
of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're
going to do about it.” - - Kathleen Casey Theisen

Acceptance is the key. Anger is danger. Just have to accept what is.

As the saying goes, I don't have to like it to accept it. Most times I don't although, I know once I find it, I can move forward.

Have to accept that I wouldn't have to edit so much if I quit and post later when I am feeling better.

[MajestyJo]

Acceptance/Perfectionism

Perfectionism – Expecting or demanding too much from ourselves or others. Treating things that aren’t perfect as not good enough. Not recognizing a good try or progress.

- Realistic Recovery

Not sure if these are the correct opposites. To my way of thinking, at least this morning, if I am accepting, than it doesn't matter if it is perfect or not. It is about accepting my best efforts for what they are rather than what I feel they should be.

That old tape can still play, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all." It often caused me to give up and not even try, let alone trying and not meeting my expectations.

Perfectionism is part of my disease. It does not belong in my recovery.

As a rule, I look at acceptance/expectations. Not sure what is the opposite of perfectionism, just went with what came to mind. What was on my mind was the desire to do things right. Yet when it comes to some things, I just can't be bothered and don't seem to have the energy and I don't care. What I need is a happy balance.

The Big Book says to lower our expectations to make them attainable. I always expected to much of myself and I projected them onto other people, who I realized were not capable of meeting them. I had to accept that fact and accept that it was an abusive act on my part.

[MajestyJo]

As years have gone by, I have gotten more perceptive. I have gotten to know more about where people have come from by going to meeting and hearing people share in the rooms of recovery. I no longer have a narrow outlook and realize that there is a lot of things out there that I have no awareness of, no inkling of, and although a drug is a drug, I can't identify with a lot of the feelings and a lot of the fear of what it took to get that drug and the life style around the using of it.

I know the feelings of why people use, and often the background of why people picked up in the first place, but the world has changed, but people are people, and don't be blaming God for your actions. God doesn't go away, we do. Some people have found ways to found ways to run faster than others.

We can judge and we can say, "Well I didn't do that!" The reality is, a drug is a drug!" Alcohol is a drug. They may make that stuff, what every they choose to call it, but what every way you look at it, it is a drug!

If that is being judgmental, I guess I am judgmental! I use to think the wrath of God was going to come down and strike me dead! I am so glad I found a loving God in the rooms of recovery.

[MajestyJo]

The other night I was talking to my friend about the dark circle under my eyes and wanting to know how to remove them. I always blamed them on having to wear glasses since I was 14 years old. I hated them, and I realized a lot of it was associated with anger.

She said, "She said tenatively, "I get that it has a lot to do with vanity." I replied, "Of course it is!" what else would it be? LOL!

Even in my old age, in can creep in, that old vanity and pride, wanting to look good and fearing what others will say or think when they see me.

I spent most of my life growing up looking for validation and affirmation, and yet there was a part of me that wanted strokes and praise for what I thought were my good points, like my dark brown talking eyes and great legs! Then sum of the parts never seemed to make up a complete package that I was happy with, or I was too pleased with myself (which didn't happen too often), unless I got a lot of that attention to validate something, I could seldom find within myself.

As they say pride goeth before a fall. Sometimes it was the little things, like the zit at the end of your nose when things just had to be just so! It seems like the whole world was out to get you. It was the end of the world.

Colouring my hair auburn, going into the pool at the YWCA, going to school and having a girl telling me she really liked the shade of my hair, and she sounded sarky and me thinking "b*tch!" Only later to run into her and having her say, "Did I tell you I really like that shale of plum, and going into the bathroom, to find my hair was coloured plum. The chlorine had changed the colour of my hair. My sister tried to change the colour and it came out wine. I didn't have the attitude back then to carry it off, I felt very insecure, shame, introverted, yet wanted to put on a mask and play the aggressor and put on the bravado and not let on how hurt I was.

The games we play. The games we can still play. The roles we play. The roles and masks we can still play, if we don't apply the program, take an inventory, find our true selves, and allow ourselves the freedom of recovery. It is okay to be me.

Every once in a while, I keep thinking of going back to being that blonde. I have a box still stored away. It was done at the suggestion of my son, and I think it would be nice for a change. I did it at first because my hair was about 4 different shades. When I was smoking, the nicotine made my hair an ugly colour and there was a lot of self-justification. When I first done it, it made me feel beautiful, and that was good. In today, that isn't necessary, I feel more beautiful with my white hair, that is as long as I am not having a bad hair day!

Oh what a tangled web we can weave when we practice to deceive, especially ourselves.

[MajestyJo]

The thought of losing my sense of humour is scary, it was pretty sick for a long time and some days, it can still use a little healing. I think I inherited it from my dad, his was very, very dry.

My son told me one day, `Mom I wish I inherited your sense of humour instead of Dad`s, which can be close to being non existent.``

How sad to go through life and not see the funny side of it. For so many years, if I hadn`t been able to laugh, I would have cried my life away. The greatest lesson though was learning to laugh at myself. Not make fun of myself, but laugh at my own antics. Not put myself down, but just accept myself for who I am in today.

My humour was very sarcastic and often not very nice, in other words, down right hurtful when I was using, often directed at others, but most often directed at myself, more often than not at my ex-husband. My tongue was a weapon and in today, I try to use that tongue as a tool to help heal and put people back together again instead of tearing strips off them, tearing them apart and forgetting to put them back together again. That alone, is an amend I will never be able to pay in full.

It took a lot of prayer asking for forgiveness and it took a long time to find the willingness to forgive myself, for hurting others and to find a willingness to even ask for forgiveness for myself.

So many times things are not a laughing matter, but we flub them off as they were. So many people, the jesters are the ones that are the ones that are hurting the most. Worked with a girl like that and dated a guy like that, he was the life of the party. Laughter can cover up a multitude of sins or it can heal and take them away.

[MajestyJo]

Have been very lax in keeping up in this section, yet my defects of character have been very much 'glaringly apparent.' Maybe it is because I have tried to bite off more than I can chew, but I was sharing with a friend today as to how grateful I am for this site, and how if it wasn't for this site and sites like this over the years, I don't think I would be alive let alone clean and sober in today.

My reasons for coming and posting are still for the same reasons, Traditions Three and Five.

With winter coming on, I tend to be even more isolated. I needed to have a place share with other alcoholics and addicts. They say, I can't keep my sobriety unless I share it. I hope you will continue to allow me to share my recovery with you.

[MajestyJo]

Willing to admit faults/Self-righteous

Well I have lots of them, and I have often shared them. Personally, I think there is nothing worse than a self-righteous sinner. I get taken as one, because of my allergy to smoke, all kinds of smoke, not just cigarette smoke.

Most times for me, it is "Been there done it, wore the t-shirt." Just for today, I choose not to go there in today."

I do have freedom of choice. I have had three sponsors (Al-Anon, services, and AA) say they have never met anyone who has done as much work on themselves as I have. Using was never an option for me, as seeing as I had several issues: alcohol, prescription pills, food, relationships, work, computer, sex, etc. to deal with over the years, it has brought a lot of enlightenment and awareness.

As I said to the guy at the Holistic Center last week, I don't know if I just have a problem with letting go or I am just FULL OF SH*T!

It ended up to be a wonderful spiritual healing session. I just prayed and ask for what I needed and asked that any barriers and blocks be taken away.

[MajestyJo]

TRY/QUIT

I remember in early recovery, how I ofteb felt like I wasn't getting any where. I can remember wanting to get a quick fix and wanting to make everything OK, right now. Not realizing that I didn't get this way over night and realizing I sure won't going to get better over night.

It is a one day at a time program. All I can do is the best I can on each given day. Sometimes I fall short and don't put too much effort into things. Other day, I get tired thinking about what I did.

I might not get out to meetings very often, and my sponsor leaves tomorrow for Georgia, and then onto California and Arizona. I talk recovery each day for 3-5 hours posting on sites on the internet, which is a lot less than what I use to do. With winter coming on, I will not be able to get out as much as I use to.

Every time I mention getting a scooter, my doctor(s) say, "Keep mobile as long as you can. Try to get exercise every day." Since I had the problem with my feet, I do daily exercises, with my bean bath and physiotherapy exercises, and I realized that if I didn't keep going, if I stopped, one day, I might not get going again. Like my body, my mind needs exercise. My spirit needs little gems over the course of the day to stay content and at peace.

Food for the body, mind and spirit. I try to be the best me I can be in today. I will never quit recovery and staying clean and sober, unfortunately, there are days I quit on me.

[MajestyJo]

Trust -or- Suspicious

"Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons.
Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything
is possible." - - Cherie-Carter Scotts

Have a lot of trust in my Higher Power, although lately, I have been suspicious of some of His choices. Which means, look at yourself and look see where you screwed up.

Over the years I had trouble trusting doctors. My doctor was my supplier for years. I had to switch doctors. I also had to get honest with my doctor, it wasn't always about him.

It is ironic how one doctor can see how in touch with my body that I am while the other one completely ignores me and says, "Pain doesn't matter, it tells you nothing, take a pill."

I do trust my instincts on most days. When I was in so much pain, and as it got worse, I started doubting myself. When that happened, I had to go and spend more time with my God.

On the whole, I am a very trusting person. Probably because I trusted too easy, that I got hurt often. I set myself up, wanting to believe the best in people, instead of looking for the bad, I try to see and find the good.

Once I have been knocked down a time or two, I tend to be a little more suspicious of the person's motives and intent.

I need to trust myself to be patient and tolerant of others. I need to trust myself. If I don't trust myself, I am not trusting my God. If I invite my God into my day and ask Him to direct my day, how can I go wrong? Do I say, "Are You sure about this?" Or perhaps, I should say, "Do you remember the last time I tried this?" He would probably reply, "Yes, but you didn't listen then either!"