Daily Humor

[bluidkiti]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

[MajestyJo]

[MajestyJo]

The Twelve Steps of Computer Users

by Cynthia M. Daffron

Grant me the serenity to accept the hardware I cannot upgrade, the courage to change the software I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

We admitted to Jason, the pimply faced salesman at Computers 'R Us, that we were powerless to organize -- that our lives had become unmanageable. He sold us a desktop CPU, flat-screen monitor and a laser printer. There was no going back.

Step Two

Having plugged in all the equipment, replaced a fuse, and purchased a power strip, we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our data when we accidentally deleted it. We put our trust in the Recycle Bin. Another successful marketing strategy captured our attention and we found ourselves believing in the wonder of Windows XP.

Step Three

We made a decision, after discovering e-mail and the Internet, to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Microsoft Outlook, as we understood it. We entered all our contacts and appointments into Outlook, sent out e-mails, and experienced joy.

Step Four

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves when a virus crashed the system and sent a pornographic message to all our contacts. We returned to Jason at Computers 'R Us and bought anti-virus protection with a year of automatic updates.

Step Five

We admitted to ourselves, and to another human being in line at the computer store, the exact nature of our wrongs. This friend suggested an upgrade to a faster, sleeker computer, but we resisted the temptation to stray.

Step Six

We were entirely ready to have Microsoft remove all the defects in all computer systems, and put our faith in Windows Update. We believed that true system integrity might one day happen, but by the time we left the store, we no longer believed that it would happen during our time on this planet.

Step Seven

We humbly asked other users to forgive our shortcomings in failing to install virus protection earlier. We disavowed any interest in on line pornography.

Step Eight

When returned to full operational power, we installed new, yet incompatible software. We recorded a list of all the files we had harmed based on the guidance of the blue error message. We became willing to make amends for them all and learned how to reinstall Windows XP.

Step Nine

We made direct amends during future installations by setting restore points prior to installations and restoring files whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Ten

We continued to take personal and system wide inventory and run virus scans. When we discovered evil, we promptly quarantined files, re-booted the system and even, reinstalled Windows XP if necessary.

Step Eleven

We sought through meditation and help files to improve our conscious contact with the registry, as we understood it, hoping for knowledge of its mastery of our computer and the power to carry that out without corrupting itself or crashing the system.

Step Twelve

Having had a organizational and efficiency-enhancing awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to new computer users everywhere.

In the end, we returned to Jason at Computers 'R Us and purchased a new laptop, so we could begin the process all over again.. We discovered the power of wireless and anticipate the satisfaction of accessing the Internet unfettered by telephone cords.

[bluidkiti]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t have a dog.”

[bluidkiti]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. “These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer,” said one of the foursome.

“And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” another complained.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on this side of the grass!”

[bluidkiti]

A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out.

As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds.

The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!”

[bluidkiti]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

[bluidkiti]

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket." --June Henderson

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"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

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"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier." --James Dent

[bluidkiti]

What do you call a formation of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line!

[bluidkiti]

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. "Go" is "Praise the Lord" and "Stop" is "Amen."
So the man on the horse says " Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

[bluidkiti]

Rick forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 60 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since last Friday. Please pray for him.

[bluidkiti]

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

[bluidkiti]

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

[bluidkiti]

Our neighbor loaned my husband his old chain saw to trim some tree branches. Unfortunately, the engine burned out while my husband was using it. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, he bought a new saw to replace it.

When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, "Keep it. I'll borrow it when I need it."

I was turning away when his eyes lit up. "Hey," he asked, "want to borrow my car?"

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Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

[bluidkiti]

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

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Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, ....."And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

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I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."