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Family and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts This forum is for families and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking and/or drug abuse.

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Old 09-16-2017, 10:39 PM   #40
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MajestyJo's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Hamilton, ON
Posts: 20,018

God's Will, My will?

For me, when I turn my day over, I trust that I am walking in His will. For me, that is the program. If I take it back and come against a wall, I know. It is often the little things for me, going to Jackson Square and not seeing anyone I know or not connecting to anyone in the mall. At first it was just 12 Step Recovery people because I have gone to many fellowships in the city, but then there were the people from the YWCA, the people from bridge, the people from Housing, and it all made for that feeling of I am not alone. When I feel 'isolated' is a good indication of no spiritual connection to my Higher Power.

It isn't about the chaos around me, it is the chaos within me. Why things happen, I don't know. Having had a brother who died at two and a mother at 40, I questioned this for many years, more importantly, I questioned why I was living!

To my understanding, through the program, I have a purpose and I was chosen to be here. When I have completed my task, then it will be my time to go. When I look around, I feel truly blessed.

I also think this is why it is suggested we have sponsors. Someone who can give an outside objective as to the direction our lives our taking. Self-will run riot is the nature of my disease. If something feels good, doesn't mean it is right. In fact, it just may be an indicator that it is time to move on or make changes.

This weekend we had our Hamilton Bridge Tournament. I was at the hotel at noon, played bridge at one, went for dinner about six with ten other people, played bridge at 7:30 p.m. and got home at 11. I went back on Saturday at one and was home at five. I was so tired, and so fatigued that I turned down a dinner invitation from my partner. I told him I would take a raincheck because I felt too tired to eat. I also felt I was too out of it to make a good companion and the fatigue was so bad I didn't know if I could sit up to eat and the old fears of making a donkey of myself in public by dropping my fork, my food, etc. wouldn't allow me to go. When I am really tired the tremon disorder in my left hand gets really bad. When I walked into my apartment my son was frying perogies with onions for my supper. That was another reason I had turned down the other invitation, but if I hadn't been so tired, I would have gone. The food would keep or my son would have ate it all! I was so tired that when I went to cut my perogy, the plate landed on my lap and on the floor. Peas don't make for good eating with a tremon disorder.

I don't know if it was God's will or not. I enjoyed the two days. I was with friends. I didn't have good results on Friday with Barb but I was playing with A and B players and best percentage was 50%, but my Bruce and I placed 3rd in our section with 56% on Saturday. The director of the club gave me a free game on Friday night to stay and play. Without that, I would have gone home. I had nothing planned for Sunday, so it was a complete down day and I felt brain dead. Was it God's will? I think so. I might have been a bit willful by staying Friday but I was able to go back on Saturday and do well, so that was a good sign. I was able to be responsible to my partner and didn't let him down.

I didn't let myself down, I knew that I would be down for two or three days. It is raining here this morning and I had to cancel physio. It rained all weekend so that was another contributing factor. Tonight I am playing bridge again. Sparing for a guy who has gone on holidays and taking his place on Swiss Teams. Not my favorite thing, but said "yes" and although I regret it, because I didn't know the premier of Dancing with the Stars is on tonight, I will go to bridge.

When I live in the day, and in the moment, turn that day over to my Higher Power, pray and mediate, I feel that I am walking in His Light. When things happen as a result of other people's decisions, then I turn those over to Him too. I just choose not to be victimized or play the martyr role in today. I have freedom of choice, and I can make another decision based on my Higher Power's direction.

I try to practice self-care. What is good for me? Not in a selfish, self-centered way, but what is good for my health and well being. I can't give away what I don't have. I was drained yesterday and that is why I didn't post. I felt I had nothing left over to give. I needed to top me up before I could give to others. I never posted on my own sites either. I think I answer a few e-mails and talked on messenger only to say I could not stay on line. I was approached already today and had to say the same thing.
This is something I posted on another site in 2009. I find myself back there the last few days. Just not being able to be on my computer. I brought out my cards on Friday night, used a new angel deck and asked it if it was good to me to go to my meeting or stay home. It told me travel, which is a bit funny, because all I have to do is cross the street.

I have put my cards away for a while and don't bring them out much, but maybe this is a good sign that I need to go back to my cards and connect with my angels.

Love always,


I share because I care.

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