Daily Humor

[bluidkiti]

Q: Why did God create man before He created woman?
A: Because He didn't want any advice on how to do it!

[bluidkiti]

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[bluidkiti]

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

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Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."

[MajestyJo]

Bear with me.

[bluidkiti]

A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

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A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?"

There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So that means you get it, Daddy??!"

[bluidkiti]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again.
He was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands all day.
So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french fries?"
And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are you fixed?"

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A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well... they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.

[MajestyJo]

Your joke reminded me of my son. not sure how come my ex-husband and I were in the car together, because he left when our son was 2 months old. This was before mandatory seat belts and my son always wanted to stand behind his father.

The radio was on and the theme song for Kentucky Fried Chicken and my son said, "Mommy, they are playing my song."

[bluidkiti]

Quick Jokes: "Not Too Swift" Edition

A woman goes to the vet with her goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

The woman says, "well wait - I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"What else? 'Here boy!'" he replies.

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A guy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts the guy, "this is her husband!"

[bluidkiti]

We are growing old together,
And as we go down through the years
We are sharing everything in sight--
The laughter and the tears.

Now as we sit across the breakfast table,
Our two hands intertwined,
Will you lean a little closer, dear, and tell me
Which pills are mine?

(By Evelyne H. Ziehler)

[bluidkiti]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a traffic cop. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

[bluidkiti]

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

[bluidkiti]

Some Funny Thoughts

- The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

- A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once!

- Repeat after me: we are all individuals!

- I used to be indecisive ... I think.

- You've heard that it takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb? One to screw it almost all the way in and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end.

- If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn't a coward take care of cows?

- When I'm not in my right mind, well, my left mind can get awful crowded.

[bluidkiti]

Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready. "You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

He looked at me and replied, "Twice."

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My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

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When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."

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Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:

"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

[bluidkiti]

A priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on...

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

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I was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

(Oh come on, you know you cracked a smile at that...)

[bluidkiti]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

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Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"