Things My Sponsors Taught Me

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From the Book

Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Quitting or Refusing Antabuse Therapy

Thirsty, huh?

The refusal to use Antabuse if recommended by a doctor, or quitting it against medical advice, are identified by my sponsors as signs of denial. My sponsors went to the heart of the matter with the two words I’ve quoted. The person to whom this was said had just gone through a half hour of persuasive explanation as to why he shouldn’t take Antabuse. In A.A., this is called “intellectualization,” or “rationalization” and it’s frowned upon. I wish I could tell you that the pigeon never drank again, but the truth is I don’t know what happened to him.

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From the Book

Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.
On the Efficiency of Therapy

If it works, don’t fool around with it; if it doesn’t, quit.

Many A.A. members have a mixed bag of feelings about doctors and therapists. This is probably because many doctors and therapists, if not most of them, simply do not understand alcoholism. Horror stories abound about psychiatrists who allow drink to drink while under their care, about social workers who are pleased that so-and-so has cut down to only on fifth per day, or about doctors who fall for hard luck stories or outright lies and prescribe Valium.

My sponsors recognize the truth of A.A.’s slogan. “If it works, don’t fix it,” and the statement I’ve quoted to a pigeon who was being counseled by well-meaning members of our A.A. group. Some wanted him to continue therapy; other wanted him to quit.

A.A. practices a sort of benevolent pragmatism; this is way members practice their own programs, while admitting their programs might not work for others. There’s the attitude, “Weather therapy would or would not work for me is immaterial; it just doesn’t matter. What matters is if it works for you.”

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From the Book

Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Going to a Cocktail Party

If you can skip it, do.

There have been a number of clever articles written about cocktail party conversation; for example, how to confess to a multiple axe murder and receive the response, “That’s nice.”

Like taverns, cocktail parties present a potential source of danger to an alcoholic. Because the purpose of a cocktail party is for drinking, such “entertainment” is not essential to our health and well- being. If they can be avoided, they should be.

For an alcoholic, the next best thing to not going to a cocktail party is to arrive as late as you can and leave as soon as possible. By a cocktail party, my sponsors meant one of those stand up things that last from 4:00 to 6:00 p.m, or from 5:00 to 7:00 p.m. which never end on time. They’re usually held in a room with insufficient air circulation and over sufficient population, with too much smoke and not enough chairs, and their purpose is drinking, no matter how disguised (benefit, reception, etc...).

There’s another thing about cocktail parties that’s very apparent to a nondrinker: they’re boring! For a while, I had to make duty appearances at a periodic party which, I had the same people attended each time. I could set my watch by the telling of a particular joke, or by the departure of a particular foursome into the kitchen (where the bar was). There was a sense of déjà vu in hearing the same conversations from the same mouths; if I hadn’t been so busy being bored. I might have been embarrassed.

For any alcoholic at any time, if what you plan to do threatens your sobriety in any way, don’t do it!

My sponsors have nothing against a party, and neither do I. A gathering of congenial people, with or without alcohol, is a different affair that the uncivilized thing called a “cock-tail party.” If you want to see a really good party, drop in on an A.A. party. We have picnics, camp-ins, and formal dinner-dances. They’re lots of fun; there’s plenty of laughter, and no hangovers.

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From the Book

Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Behavior at a Cocktail Party

Get a glass of something safe in your hand and nurse it; nobody will really give a **** what’s in your glass, as long as you have one.

What you’re holding is completely irrelevant. But when your hands are empty, it sets up a situation that can be dangerous. Empty hands are a host’s or hostess’s reproach; they seem to bring out the pusher in otherwise nice folks.

For example, your hostess may think she is being clever and bring you a glass of what she thought you were drinking, and she may have thought wrong. Or a host might start an argument about what you want to drink and catch you at a weak moment. Or you may have a weak moment all by yourself.

Here’s a tip: Don’t hold an empty glass like it’s empty. Hold it carefully, as though you were afraid it might spill.


Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Safe Beverages at a Cocktail Party

A hot drink such as coffee is the safest. Never rink anything cold at a cocktail party that you don’t watch poured.

Waiters do make mistakes from time to time. But it’s real hard to make a mistake with a cup of coffee. Seven-Up looks like gin and tonic, especially with a lime twist, and the difference between Coke and rum and Coke is not discernible to the naked eye. To insist on watching the drink poured is not paranoia, but appropriate caution for an alcoholic.

I remember when I was in an Air force officer’s club with a crew of non-alcoholics. We ordered our first drink at the bar, then took them to a table. I was drinking Coke. It happened to be a two-for-one night, and the second round was brought by a waiter. My Coke looked like Coke, but it had a cherry in it. My sponsors’ remark came to mind, and I didn’t drink it.

One exception to this rule is in the coach section of an airplane. If the flight attendant doesn’t ask for money for you drink, it’s non-alcoholic!

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From the Book

Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Being Asked, “What’ll Ya Have?

Tell them coffee, or a Coke

The newly sober alcoholic is often vulnerable, and the aggressive host’s or hostess’s inquiry can be intimidating. What my sponsors taught me is that I don’t ever have to drink. For me to accept a drink so as not to offend a host or hostess is extremely hazardous to my health. It is far more polite to be firm and assertive, and refuse an alcoholic beverage. It has become more and more the rule to offer attractive alternatives to alcoholic beverages, and so it is less of an effort to choose something safe.

My sponsors told me the decision to abstain is mine; it is not and should not be, even for a little while, the decision of another person. My wife understands this; she will not answer for, although she doesn’t want me to drink. It’s my place to refuse a drink, not hers.

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Being Pressed, “What Do You Want in It?”

Tell them “A little cream,” or, “Some ice,” depending on what you ask for.

The lesson here is to be assertive, and not to compromise. If your host or hostess doesn’t hear you the first time, or refuses to hear you, make sure that the message gets across. After all, it’s your neck. When I fly, I am often asked, “Do you want a drink?” I sometimes answer, “Yes, I would. But I’m an alcoholic, so I choose not to.” To put it mildly, this gets the attendants attention. Most of the time, I get great service from then on, and all of the coffee I can handle! I guess they have enough experience with people who shouldn’t drink but do, and they’re appreciative of those of us who abstain.

The host or hostess who know you’re a recovering person will not press you. Some hosts and hostesses who are aware of what I am and what I’m doing about it, will ask me if I want a drink in order to give me the opportunity to refuse. I consider this exquisite manners, because they are joining my efforts by allowing me to make the necessary choices for my sobriety.

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.


ABOUT SLIPS

On Slips

The word “slip” implies and accident. Therefore, there are no slips in A.A. We set ourselves up to go back to drinking and then we pretend it’s all a mistake. Baloney and horseradish!

Incidentally, the words my sponsors used were not “baloney” and “horseradish.”

The hard-nose recognizes that there is a part of us (no matter how long since our last drink) that want to go back to drinking. If we deny this, we’re getting close to our next drink.

To stay sober, we should go to meetings regularly, practice the A.A. principles in all our affairs, and keep in touch with our sponsors.



Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Starting a Slip

The first step in going back to drinking is to question the very things which helped us to get sober.

This questioning usually precedes by some months an actual return to drinking. My sponsor used to say, “Everybody who is in A.A. for the first time got here by their own individual route, their own story. Everyone in A.A. for the in second time or more has come here by the same story.”

A slip starts with questioning the A.A. program of recovery. “I don’t need to take the fourth (or Sixth, or whatever) Step.” “I am an adult. I don’t need a keeper (sponsor).” “I don’t want to go on Twelfth Step calls.” And so on.

What happens next is completely predictable. The alcoholic skips some meetings and the sky doesn't’t fall in, so he or she skips more meeting, and then stops going to A.A. completely. Somewhere along the slide into oblivion a drink is taken and nothing happens, so the next time two drinks are taken, then four. And so on.

Those who are lucky get another chance. The others don’t.


Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On the Consequences of a Slip

Alcoholics who relapse hold their lives in their own shaky hands.

The disease of alcoholism is so powerful that almost anything can happen. I know an alcoholic who allowed himself one drink following a well-earned job promotion. When he came to, he discovered he had spent a week in a chair in his basement, awaking only long enough to get blasted again. What scare him most was that he had never gotten dunk like that before!

A.A. polls its members every three years or so, and has some remarkable and consistent statistics. One of these statistics is called 4-2-1, which means that of every four people who come to A.A., two never drink again; and of the two who do drink again, on eventually gets sober in A.A. I was fortunate and haven’t had a drink since my first meeting—as we say, “by the grace of God and the fellowship of A.A.”

There’s a darker side to this statistic in the fact that of the two who return to drinking, one doesn’t make it. In other words, the alcoholic who relapse faces a 50-50 chance of never coming back.

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Admitting a Slip

If you don’t take your “slip” to your home group, you’re setting yourself up for another one.

Chapter Five of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, contains two words that have given a lot of us trouble at one time or another. Those two words are: “rigorous honesty.” It means we shouldn’t lie about our drinking and we shouldn’t hold back about our drinking, most particularly with our home groups. To do so is to be dishonest and to be in real present danger of yet another relapse.

There is something one might call a “therapeutic relapse.” My sponsors are of the opinion that a relapse can be made into a therapeutic one by sharing it with the home group, so the person who relapse can learn from the wisdom and the experience of the other members of the group. I have seen this in the “Son-of-a-gun, you were right!” sort of experience some alcoholics have.

Alcoholics may receive all the necessary instructions from their sponsors, but these instructions may not have any inner reality to them. So they relapse, and then they may finally see the light. This is encouraging, and their chances for recovery are pretty good. Relapse, however, is very risky. Remember, it’s a 50-50 chance you won’t come back, and those odds aren’t very good. If a relapse can possible be avoided, do what has to be done to avoid it.

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.
ABOUT TWELFTH STEPPING AND SPONSORSHIP

On Why to Go on Twelfth Step Calls

It helps to keep you sober

A.A. is full of paradoxes. We have no leaders, yet we’re well led. We have no budget, yet we get along. We have a selfish program, yet the best way to keep the program is to give it away.

This is what Twelfth Step calls are all about: giving the program away to someone else, passing it along. Although the program was given to us, it’s not our private property, and it’s something we should pass along. When we do this, we find that we know the program more strongly than ever.

Outsiders and A.A. newcomers sometimes miss the boat and look at the Twelfth Step call as either a rescue mission, a sales pitch, or a marketing endeavor. Someone once asked one of my sponsors, “You must have been on a thousand Twelfth Step calls. How many were successful?” Without batting an eye, my sponsor said, “All of them. I came away sober from each one.” Of course, we hope that the person we visit finds recovery in the A.A. program, but the real motive is the strengthening of our own programs. If this weren’t our motive, we’d start getting picky – you know, only going on calls that seemed promising, so we could boast of an impressive string of accomplishments. That’s not what Twelfth Step calls are about, and that’s not what entire A.A. program is about, either.

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.


On Not Wanting to Go on a Twelfth Step Call

Someone was there for you; where would you be if they hadn’t been?

We know where we’d be – probably dead. But A.A. cautions us against thinking of a Twelfth Step call as a debt that must be paid. First, if it were a debt, we could pay it off by making one or two calls, which denies the true purpose of such a call. Second, we should not go from a sense of obligation; rather, we should to and talk about ourselves and answer a few questions. We might do a little persuasion, but we aren’t trained counselors – we’re drunks who have learned (at least for a while) to live without drinking.

And yet, we’d have been in a hell of a mess, to put it mildly, if there hadn’t been someone there for us. We really can’t afford, if we have a healthy conscience, to fail to answer the call whenever we can. Yes, it’s okay to refuse to go on a call – you won’t be kicked out of A.A. But for your sobriety’s sake, your excuse had better be real strong. My sponsor told me he almost refused to go on a Twelfth Step call because he was super-tired. He went anyway, and found that the pigeon was his sponsor’s only son!

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

On Calling One’s Sponsor

If you call me at three A. M. when you’re drunk and tell me you can’t sleep, I’ll tell you I can and hang up on you.

The purpose of a sponsor is to be a combination of a teacher, guide, cop, friend, and role model. The purpose of a sponsor is not to be an alcoholism counselor. My sponsor’s remark illustrates this point. I do know some alcoholics who called their sponsors when they had been drinking, and the sponsor hung up on them. The time to use a sponsor wisely is when the urge to drink has just appeared, not when it has succeeded. Implicit in the remark I’ve quoted is the teaching that a sponsor is there to talk with regularly and to go to meetings with, but not to use as a crisis line.

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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From the Book
Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.


On What to Do about a Drunken Pigeon

If it’s too cool, you might throw a blanket over him.

I was present when the wife of a man, who was having some difficulty in getting the A.A. message, called to report that her husband had gotten into the whiskey sours and was passed out on the dining room floor. My sponsor made the remark I’ve quoted, and then he held the receiver away from his ear. Loud noises came from it. The alcoholic was throwing up. When the noises subsided, my sponsor said to the alcoholic’s wife, “If you help him upstairs, in the morning he’ll be able to deny the whole thing took place. Leave him on the floor – he won’t be able to deny that. If you’re really concerned about him, you might put a pillow under his head, but if he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his drinking behavior, he’ll never get sober.” He added that the pigeon should talk to him in the morning. As of this writing, that particular pigeon has been sober for more than twelve years.

Alcoholics are so needy and dependent it’s difficult to avoid rescuing them from the consequences of their drinking. But rescuing them only enables them to drink some more.

Please feel free to share your Experience, Strength, and Hope