Daily Humor

[bluidkiti]

On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater waiting for the movie to begin.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand. Bob and Susie noticed the sound was missing. The film began but silence continued.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

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While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

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The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer, when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."
From the back of the room, in a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."

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Exhilaration: that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and before you realize what's wrong with it.

[bluidkiti]

Household Tools For Dummies:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape.

[bluidkiti]

Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.

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Inside me is a thin person struggling to get out, but that person can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

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A new bride went crying to her mother.
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

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Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

[MajestyJo]

Hello

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-mice-7/0090.gif

God Saw you hungry & created Dairy Queen.

He saw you thirsty & created Coke, Juice, Coffee and Water.

GOD saw you in the dark & created Light.

GOD saw you without a Good looking, adorable, FRIEND.........

so He created ME!

[bluidkiti]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!” :169:

[bluidkiti]

An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn’t forget.

Several days later, the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, “Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you’re up.” “Okay,” he said. “…and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries, too,” she added. “You’d better write all this down.” “I won’t forget!” he said.

Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. She glared at him. “Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you’d forget.” “What did I forget?” he asked. She replied, “My toast!”

[bluidkiti]

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"

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My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".

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The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

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"I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs." - Bob Ettinger

[bluidkiti]

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

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A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"

[bluidkiti]

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

[bluidkiti]

There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!” :11:

[Chance]

Heee Heee :87:

[bluidkiti]

Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins. :27:

[bluidkiti]

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in. Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. “Yes, that’s right. The fee is $200. Yes, I’ll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I’m a very busy man. He hung up and turned to the man waiting. “May I help you?”
“No,” said the man, “I just came in to install the phone.” :11:

[bluidkiti]

http://wadegrindle.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Nose-itch1.jpg

http://www.med.wayne.edu/amsa/pictures/Humor/cartoon01.gif

[bluidkiti]

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat everywhere he goes. He never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, “What’s with the cat?”

The man responds, “I use it to tell time.”

As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, “So how does it tell time?”

The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud.

Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, “What’s with all the racket? It’s one in the morning!!!” :27:

[bluidkiti]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk. :11:

[MajestyJo]

http://www.angelwinks.net/images/love32.gif

[MajestyJo]

The Twelve Steps of Computer Users

by Cynthia M. Daffron

Grant me the serenity to accept the hardware I cannot upgrade, the courage to change the software I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Step One

We admitted to Jason, the pimply faced salesman at Computers 'R Us, that we were powerless to organize -- that our lives had become unmanageable. He sold us a desktop CPU, flat-screen monitor and a laser printer. There was no going back.

Step Two

Having plugged in all the equipment, replaced a fuse, and purchased a power strip, we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our data when we accidentally deleted it. We put our trust in the Recycle Bin. Another successful marketing strategy captured our attention and we found ourselves believing in the wonder of Windows XP.

Step Three

We made a decision, after discovering e-mail and the Internet, to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Microsoft Outlook, as we understood it. We entered all our contacts and appointments into Outlook, sent out e-mails, and experienced joy.

Step Four

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves when a virus crashed the system and sent a pornographic message to all our contacts. We returned to Jason at Computers 'R Us and bought anti-virus protection with a year of automatic updates.

Step Five

We admitted to ourselves, and to another human being in line at the computer store, the exact nature of our wrongs. This friend suggested an upgrade to a faster, sleeker computer, but we resisted the temptation to stray.

Step Six

We were entirely ready to have Microsoft remove all the defects in all computer systems, and put our faith in Windows Update. We believed that true system integrity might one day happen, but by the time we left the store, we no longer believed that it would happen during our time on this planet.

Step Seven

We humbly asked other users to forgive our shortcomings in failing to install virus protection earlier. We disavowed any interest in on line pornography.

Step Eight

When returned to full operational power, we installed new, yet incompatible software. We recorded a list of all the files we had harmed based on the guidance of the blue error message. We became willing to make amends for them all and learned how to reinstall Windows XP.

Step Nine

We made direct amends during future installations by setting restore points prior to installations and restoring files whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Ten

We continued to take personal and system wide inventory and run virus scans. When we discovered evil, we promptly quarantined files, re-booted the system and even, reinstalled Windows XP if necessary.

Step Eleven

We sought through meditation and help files to improve our conscious contact with the registry, as we understood it, hoping for knowledge of its mastery of our computer and the power to carry that out without corrupting itself or crashing the system.

Step Twelve

Having had a organizational and efficiency-enhancing awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to new computer users everywhere.

In the end, we returned to Jason at Computers 'R Us and purchased a new laptop, so we could begin the process all over again.. We discovered the power of wireless and anticipate the satisfaction of accessing the Internet unfettered by telephone cords.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/computing-computers-users/0035.gif

[bluidkiti]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t have a dog.” :11:

[bluidkiti]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. “These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer,” said one of the foursome.

“And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” another complained.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on this side of the grass!” :170:

[bluidkiti]

A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out.

As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his chequebook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds.

The captain replied, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!” :grin:

[bluidkiti]

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!" :27:

[bluidkiti]

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket." --June Henderson

---

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

---

"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier." --James Dent

[bluidkiti]

What do you call a formation of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line! :40:

[bluidkiti]

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. "Go" is "Praise the Lord" and "Stop" is "Amen."
So the man on the horse says " Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord." :11:

[bluidkiti]

Rick forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 60 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway . Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since last Friday. Please pray for him. :11:

[bluidkiti]

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

:11:

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

[bluidkiti]

Our neighbor loaned my husband his old chain saw to trim some tree branches. Unfortunately, the engine burned out while my husband was using it. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, he bought a new saw to replace it.

When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, "Keep it. I'll borrow it when I need it."

I was turning away when his eyes lit up. "Hey," he asked, "want to borrow my car?" :11:

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Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3. :169:

[bluidkiti]

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

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Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, ....."And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

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I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines." :11:

[dwmoeller]

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in, it is cold outside.

[bluidkiti]

The new computer that my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction "Jewel." "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, "Myron." No such word, according to the computer. It suggested "Moron."

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I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be one special kind of person to forget to eat.

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I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"
Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

[bluidkiti]

My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered.

"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in." :27:

[bluidkiti]

We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery." :11:

[bluidkiti]

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.
Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now." :11:

[bluidkiti]

Bernie was invited to his elderly friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago." :11:

[bluidkiti]

A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?" :272:

[bluidkiti]

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.

Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

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A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

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Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?" :281:

[bluidkiti]

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!" :281:

[bluidkiti]

In a rest room at in the Houston Medical Center, a floor supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the rest room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!" :11:

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Shucks," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" :D

[bluidkiti]

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remembered." :281:

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While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder." :11:

[bluidkiti]

:11:

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith....

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As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Neb., I occasionally receive thank you notes from members of school groups. One of my favorites said: "Dear Molly, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all. Love, Theresa."

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Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Go That Extra Mile." Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it: "Because We Missed the Last Exit!"

[bluidkiti]

Just take the bus: walk behind a car and you'll get exhausted; walk in front of a car and you'll get tired. :11:

[bluidkiti]

Did you hear about the two guys who get shipwrecked? They end up on a deserted island with no food or fresh water.
One guy is in despair, "We're going to die!!" The other replies, "Don't worry. I make $100,000 each week." His companion says, "What difference does money make? We're going to starve!"
The other answers, "You don't understand. I earn $100,000 each week and I tithe. My pastor will find us."

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My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!"

"What," says the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?" :281:

[bluidkiti]

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?" :281:

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Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco." :11:

[bluidkiti]

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling." :272:

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Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish? :281:

[bluidkiti]

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

**I have been known to have this. lol :11:

[dwmoeller]

Did you hear the fart joke?

It stinks!

[MajestyJo]

http://i287.photobucket.com/albums/ll141/fanita_9/Saludos/start_each_day_45_thumb.jpg

[MajestyJo]

https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/14657378_10157613245320615_4311519755984891465_n.j pg?oh=4a510549be107a34b6ad5e9b1e165931&oe=58A26319

[bluidkiti]

:38:

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose. :11:

**********

How did The Great Pumpkin fix a hole in his pants?

With a pumpkin patch. :281:

[bluidkiti]

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office. :11:

---------

Dictionary Definition

Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal. :27:

[bluidkiti]

Great Bumper Stickers
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

Great Definitions
Adult: a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlour: a place where some women go to dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Wrinkles: Something other people have (you have character lines). :281:

[bluidkiti]

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2. Love, Don" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2." :blush:

--------

(And there's a lesson in this one too...-Chris)

Some Merchants in town posted inspirational messages in front of their stores. One read "The Worst Pest in the World Is a Pessimist." After several months I grew tired of the same sign. So I left a message on the owner's phone machine saying I liked the advice but felt I myself was becoming a pessimist, because the sign never changed. The next day the sign had changed. It now read "What Will Fault Finding People Do in Heaven?" :272:

--------

As I was browsing through an old newspaper, I read aloud to my wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do. "It must be true," she said. "This is the second time you've read that article to me." :281:

[bluidkiti]

SYMPTOMS OF SENILITY VIRUS:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
17. Causes you to mis-number paragraphs
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the :272:

--------

My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...This Means You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner.

When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way." :162: :170:

[bluidkiti]

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
It was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his
shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in. :D

[bluidkiti]

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.

"I don't need to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!" :281:

[dwmoeller]

What do you call it when an Eskimo's pants fall down?

Northern exposure!

[bluidkiti]

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old." :11:

--------

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids." :281:

[bluidkiti]

What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around
in circles until you are all pooped out.

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

Why are archaeologists so annoyed? They always have a bone
to pick.

Did you hear about the new anti-gravity book? Apparently you
can't put it down.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster.
Or maybe it's just super-stitchin.

Did you hear about the quarry that went out of business?
They hit rock bottom.

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator? An
investigator.

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Whatever.

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.

What do you do if you see a spaceman? you park your car,
man.

How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach? Stop
eating caterpillars.

The past the present and the future walk into a bar. It was
tense.

What kind of music do bunnies like best? Hip hop.

Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper water makes
them sneeze.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course! Houses can't jump. :281:

[bluidkiti]

Riddles And Puns For The 8 To 14 Year Old

HOLIDAY HUMOR

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles.

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the fancy Christmas dance?
It was a moth ball!

Where does Santa go swimming?
The North Pool!

What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the sand?
Sandy Claws

I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his
Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the
top. I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?" Puzzled, he
looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge
in a bare tree."

RIDDLES

Why can't you gain weight by eating pretzels?
Because its knot food.

What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!

Why did the kid put his head on the piano?
Because he wanted to play by ear.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.

What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles!

When a snail loses it's shell it looks sluggish. (Mike Bull) :272:

[bluidkiti]

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!

What's ice?
Skid Stuff!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around? By icicle! :11:

[bluidkiti]

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite :281:

[dwmoeller]

Some potty humor:

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.


Did you hear the fart joke?

It stinks!

[dwmoeller]

How do you prevent water from coming into your house?

Stop paying the water bill.

[dwmoeller]

Oxymorons: A figure of speech composed of two contradictory words.

Jumbo Shrimp
Same Difference
Pretty Ugly
Only Choice

[dwmoeller]

What do you get when you cross an acrobat with a novel?

A book that can flip its own pages!

[bluidkiti]

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so. :281:

*****

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil. :11:

[bluidkiti]

Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner. :281:

[bluidkiti]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. :281:

[bluidkiti]

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me." :rolleyes: :28:

[dwmoeller]

The new employee must be blond!

[bluidkiti]

The new employee must be blond!

That was my thought also. lol

[dwmoeller]

Here are a couple of groaners:

What does a crab use to make a phone calll?

A Shell Phone.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

[bluidkiti]

I knew it had to be out there somewhere! Click on the link below to see what I mean... :)

http://www.laughandlift.com/lastpage.html

[dwmoeller]

How does the man on the moon hold up his pants?

With An Asteroid Belt

[SteveD]

Kiti - those are hilarious

The one about the only way to get the husband to do anything reminds me of something my wife told me -

She said, "Steve, when you're out mowing that back yard in your tank top your muscles ripple, your hair glistens in the sun and I get so turned on!
I love to just stand and look out the back window just to watch your muscles flex when you mow that back yard! Rocky's got nothing on you baby! When you man-handle the helm of that lawnmower you are the sexiest man on the entire planet!"

I tell ya, after that I was out there mowing that back yard at least 3 or 4 times a week!
:p

Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.

----------

Inside me is a thin person struggling to get out, but that person can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

----------

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

--------

A new bride went crying to her mother.
"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."
"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

--------

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

[bluidkiti]

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me." :170:

---------

Two rules for life:

1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

:162: :281:

---------

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights ...dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, the Resident Assistant noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought: Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath his sink. :11:

[bluidkiti]

Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Steve came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Merc, I
ain't got no crayons."

"Steve," Miss Merc said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They
don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Steve said, "What happened to all them crayons?" :11:

[bluidkiti]

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." :eek: :272:

---------

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???" :281:

[bluidkiti]

One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. ("It's just the cutest thing!") My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?" :11:

[BW1]

Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?


:)

Cuz it raises their spirits

[bluidkiti]

One night my father woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went, Dad thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Mom were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave." :281:

---------

"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them." - Phil Pastoret :11:

[bluidkiti]

http://www.laughandlift.com/cartoonhumor/103.jpg

:11:

[bluidkiti]

How did The Great Pumpkin fix a hole in his pants?
With a pumpkin patch. :281:

[bluidkiti]

The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle. :11:

--------

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener. :281:

[bluidkiti]

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me" :11:

[bluidkiti]

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box." :11:

[bluidkiti]

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids." :281:

[bluidkiti]

Q: Why did God create man before He created woman?
A: Because He didn't want any advice on how to do it! :11:

[bluidkiti]

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." :11:

[bluidkiti]

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one." :11:

--------

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you." :281:

[MajestyJo]

Bear with me.

https://media.giphy.com/media/14pFNhO4ShMbJu/giphy.gif

[bluidkiti]

A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?" :11:

--------

A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?"

There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So that means you get it, Daddy??!" :169:

[bluidkiti]

My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again.
He was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands all day.
So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french fries?"
And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are you fixed?" :281:

--------

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well... they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says. :D

[MajestyJo]

Your joke reminded me of my son. not sure how come my ex-husband and I were in the car together, because he left when our son was 2 months old. This was before mandatory seat belts and my son always wanted to stand behind his father.

The radio was on and the theme song for Kentucky Fried Chicken and my son said, "Mommy, they are playing my song."

[bluidkiti]

Quick Jokes: "Not Too Swift" Edition

A woman goes to the vet with her goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

The woman says, "well wait - I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!" :170:

--------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"What else? 'Here boy!'" he replies. :31:

--------

A guy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts the guy, "this is her husband!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

We are growing old together,
And as we go down through the years
We are sharing everything in sight--
The laughter and the tears.

Now as we sit across the breakfast table,
Our two hands intertwined,
Will you lean a little closer, dear, and tell me
Which pills are mine? :D

(By Evelyne H. Ziehler)

[bluidkiti]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a traffic cop. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said. :11:

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

[bluidkiti]

Some Funny Thoughts

- The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

- A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once!

- Repeat after me: we are all individuals!

- I used to be indecisive ... I think.

- You've heard that it takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb? One to screw it almost all the way in and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end.

- If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn't a coward take care of cows?

- When I'm not in my right mind, well, my left mind can get awful crowded. :11:

[bluidkiti]

Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready. "You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

He looked at me and replied, "Twice."

--------

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

--------

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."

--------

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:

"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want." :11:

[bluidkiti]

A priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on...

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap." :281:

--------

I was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

(Oh come on, you know you cracked a smile at that...) :11:

[bluidkiti]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' :272:

--------

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?" :11:

[bluidkiti]

Our kindergarten class went to the fire station for a tour and some instruction in fire safety. The fireman was explaining what to do in case of a fire. He said, "First, go to the door and feel the door to see if it's hot." Then he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to your knees?"
One of the little tykes said, "Sure, to start praying to ask God to get us out of this mess!" :169:

--------

There was a five-year-old attending a formal wedding some years ago. The girl was sitting with her grandmother. She had been in Sunday school but had never attended a formal church service.
During the wedding, the minister said, "Let us pray." Each person bowed his head in prayer. The little girl looked around and saw all the heads bowed and eyes turned toward the floor and she cried: "Grandmother, what are they all looking for?" :11:

[bluidkiti]

For many years, it was believed that most injuries occur in the home.

This is no longer true. Evidence from a recent study suggests that injuries are most likely to occur at social gatherings, right after somebody yells, "Hey, Y'all! Watch this!" :272:

[bluidkiti]

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began. "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. :281:

--------------

A co-worker told his sister she should have the tires rotated on her car. Without skipping a beat, she said, "But don't they do that when I'm driving?" :11:

--------------

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!" :170:

[bluidkiti]

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!" :D

--------

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."

He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels." :)

--------

Taken from a classroom paper:

Asked to name six animals peculiar to the Arctic regions, a boy replied: "Three bears and three seals." :281:

--------

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One! :11:

[bluidkiti]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"

A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." :169:

[bluidkiti]

One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"
Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When she went in at 5 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read, "My name is Daniel." :169:

[bluidkiti]

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads designed for people with back pain .... all on the bottom shelf. :15:

[bluidkiti]

A young boy who had just gotten his driving permit asked his father if he could use the family car. The father said he could use the car if he studied his Bible diligently -- and got his hair cut. For a week the boy studied his Bible, but didn't get his hair cut. "I'm glad to see you studying your Bible," the father said, "but why didn't you get your hair cut?" "Well, Dad," the boy replied, "Samson had long hair. Moses had long hair. Noah had long hair. And even Jesus had long hair." "Indeed they did," the father answered, "and I'm glad you want to use them as your role models . . . . because they walked everywhere they went."

--------------

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

--------------

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." :11:

[bluidkiti]

One of our church deacons, a barber, at the Baptist church in Auburn, Alabama, was feeling guilty because he had never witnessed for the Lord. One day a man came into his barbershop and asked for a shave.

"Now's my chance to make a fellow believer out of him," he thought.

The barber put him in a chair and lathered his face. Nervously he stuttered, "S-S-Sir, are you r-r-ready to m-m-meet the L-L-Lord?"

The fellow opened his eyes wide and saw the barber holding the straight razor with a shaking hand. He jumped out of his chair and took off running down the street with the drape flopping in the wind. :11:

[bluidkiti]

Cold Cream

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently
rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he
asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a
tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?" :11:

[bluidkiti]

Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get old. I read in Reader's Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of his 91-year-old father. The older man began to set up the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over which method was best.

Finally, the son said, "Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees!"

The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as he went, "You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!" :281:

------------

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " --Charlie Brown :11:

[bluidkiti]

I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. :272:

-----------

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!" :169:

-----------

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.
Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now." :11:

[bluidkiti]

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber.

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before!

As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked. :11:

[bluidkiti]

Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Mary walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?" :11:

--------------

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his rented van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." :170:

--------------

Roses are red, violets are blue.
That's what they say, but it just isn't true!
Roses are red and apples are too,
But violets are violet...violets aren't blue!
An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green.
A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean?
To call something blue when it's not, we defile it.
But ah, why not...it's hard to rhyme violet! :281:

[bluidkiti]

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One." :170:

--------

Parking spaces near our seaside cottage are at a premium, and the street is often crowded with cars. One day our neighbor put a sign: NO PARKING HERE.

Later he added another: NO TURNING IN DRIVEWAY.

Finally, he added a third: NO CUTTING THROUGH THE YARD.

That's when the neighbor across the street put up his own sign: AND DON'T COME OVER HERE EITHER! :281:

--------

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector." he replies

To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it. :272:

--------

On Coast Guard Cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted. :11:

[bluidkiti]

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked." :170:

*****

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town. I wanted to learn everything "country" so that I could fit in. As I was searching for Widow Jones' farm, I got lost on the back roads. I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.

He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me how to get to the Jones' farm. "By the way, " I asked, "Do you know what time it is?" He leaned in to the udder of the cow and said, "12:30."

I started to leave but I just HAD to know. I told him, "Hey, I've just moved from the city and I really want to know the ways of the country. How could you tell what time it was?"

"Sit right here on this stool, son." I did.

"Now, grab hold of that udder." I did. (Before this, my closest experience to this was grabbing a milk carton).

"Now lean into the cow and lift up on the udder." I did.

"Lean over and look right over there on that wall. See that's a clock. When the little hand is on the 12..." :272:

[bluidkiti]

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Crispies. :11:

[bluidkiti]

When a woman says, "What?" it's not because she didn't hear you.
She is giving you a chance to change what you said... :11:

[bluidkiti]

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher decided to investigate.

"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked..." :169:

[dwmoeller]

For some, becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

[bluidkiti]

In a rest room at in the Houston Medical Center, a floor supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the rest room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!" :272:

---------

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Shucks," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, "Notice anything different?" To which she replied, "No" with a puzzled look on her face. My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone." Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said "I didn't take it!" -- Karen and Rich S., N.J. :11:

[bluidkiti]

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remembered." :11:

[bluidkiti]

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"Congratulations! That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." :272:

--------

"I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity." :281:

--------

I live across the street from a church.

When my wife's puppy escaped from the backyard, we went looking for it.

She went off in the car, and I started to walk around the church, calling the dog's name.

I didn't think anything of it, until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.

The dog's name is Moses. :11:

[bluidkiti]

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp (what a surprise). He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out (ohh, another big surprise). The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.
"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.
"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.
"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates. :281:

--------

At the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear" she asked.

The little boy replied "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again." :11:

[bluidkiti]

Libby said her three year old daughter's restaurant meal came with a sundae. Of course, all daughter knows is "ice cream".

When the waitress asked her daughter, "Would you like your ice cream sundae?", daughter replied instantly, "No, thank you, I want it NOW." :169:

[bluidkiti]

Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183."
My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?" :169:

[bluidkiti]

What do you call a cat that plays piano? A mew-sician. :27:

[bluidkiti]

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks "George, why are you mooing. You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly: "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

If vegetarians eat vegetables, then you really have to watch out for humanitarians. :11:

You can make 7 even, by removing the 's'.
You can make 6 odd, by removing the 's'.
I for one like Roman Numerals.

[bluidkiti]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150." :281:

--------

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and agitated pig. "What in the world are you planning to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of gas has shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again...she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too.

Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming, 'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!'"

And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!" :11:

[bluidkiti]

Puns Jest For Kids

- Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old -

Why was the cookie so unhappy.
Because his mother was a wafer so long.

Why did the waiter fall over?
He was tipped.

Define "Pharmacist": A helper on the farm.

Use "Lettuce" in a sentence: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together.

The blind man picked up a hammer and saw!

Whether it's a pancake or a baseball team, the secret is to start with a good batter. :11: :1:

[bluidkiti]

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.

*****

The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

*****

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe. :11:

[bluidkiti]

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received
a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s
office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?” :11:

[bluidkiti]

Tax Season

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up
at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so
many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up
forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander’s
job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother.” :11:

[bluidkiti]

It seems like every time our piano tuner John comes to our house,
he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him
that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about
it until the piano sounds off-key.

The last time he came over, I was on the defensive. "If you would
send out a postcard reminder like the dentist does every 6 months,”
I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a
timely fashion.”

Without hesitating, he replied, "OK -- from now on, when the dentist
sends you a postcard, call me." :11:

[bluidkiti]

Why does a Rooster crow so early in the morning?
To get a word in before the Hens wake up. :11: